This is the last week to our marriage series.  So we have a question, what happens when your name is added to the list of betrayers in your spouses eyes.  You promise to love and take care of your significant other, however you drop the ball and bring harm unexpectedly.

The Threshold, the Real Starting Point

Last week Marsha and I shared about the beginning stages of courting each other.  To say that my journey to gain Marsha’s heart was easy would be a flat out lie. She fell in love with me as I did with her, but her heart remained guarded even after we married.  Falling in love was the easy part.  Having Marsha trust me with her heart after so many had hurt and damaged it was another thing.  See Marsha knew that she cared for me, and that she wanted to be with me.  We laughed and did things together, enjoyed each other’s company, and loved living together as husband and wife.  Her heart, however, was still very guarded.  It didn’t matter that I was her husband. I was still in the category of people who could hurt her and betray her trust.  Giving me her heart meant that I now would be the one to care for her and nurture her.  She would be vulnerable and transparent with me, trusting me to protect her from her fears and not judging for those things of her past that made her feel ashamed. This wasn’t her being unreasonable either.  She loved me and really wanted to believe that I was different, but that was something I was going to have to prove to her.  Sadly, I didn’t do that too well in the early years of our marriage.

(Marsha)

The marriage altar is considered, by some, as the finish line to the big goal and the wedding ring is the trophy of success. I, however, see it in a different light.  The marriage altar  is the starting line and the wedding ring is just a reminder of the lifelong marathon that lies ahead.  My mistake was that I thought once I walked over the threshold of our new apartment, everything would be better.  I thought that I would be better.  I loved Sam and loved being with him.  I got to a place where I started to trust my husband, but while on this marathon we began to run into obstacles.  We faced challenges that actually had me seeing my husband as the enemy.

(Sam)

I couldn’t go back in time and save Marsha from what had happened to her.  So I vowed to be the best man I could in loving her and providing for her.  My problem was that I didn’t listen to her properly in order to provide and love her as she needed me to do.  I did them as I felt it should be done.  My intentions were good, but the delivery of those intentions only complicated our relationship.

This neglect on my part showed its self the most when I received my first job in ministry as a youth pastor.   We knew that this was God ordering our steps. There was no doubt about that.  About a year in, the demands placed on me called for more hours at the church.  I was told that I had to work a set amount of office hours and separate from my time of ministry.  I wanted to do right by my wife and I knew that this was where God had called me to be, so I just accepted the responsibility thinking that this is what a good husband who loves his wife is supposed to do.  However, while doing what I thought was right, I was neglecting Marsha and our growing family.  She had just begun to trust me with her heart and I was about to be careless with it.

New Life, Same Demon

(Marsha)

It might have been different if running the youth ministry was all Sam had to do. Our church had an attendance of 1,800 people on a Sunday morning.   This attendance amount was split up into 3 services.  Sam was very talented and with a church this size it became part of his job to fill in where needed–along with running the youth and its sub-ministries–it soon became clear to me that the challenges of Sam’s job and the hours he put in during the week were going to put a strain on us. There were times when he had to work on his off days, work late into the night and still be expected to show up on time the next day.

One time he was reprimanded because he took two hours off to go to the laundry mat to wash clothes. That week Sam had worked everyday 12 to 14 hours each day preparing for a Christmas Production and when he took the time to wash clothes he was told he was being irresponsible.

At this time, we were a family with two children 2 years apart from one another.  I needed so much help because I was overwhelmed at being a stay at home mom. With Sam working almost 80 hours a week, 7 days a week at times I was feeling neglected and ignored. I remember begging him for attention and explaining to him how I needed him at home with me and the kids.  He didn’t know what to do and his logic was that if he did not work, then we did not eat so he went to work.

It was at that moment when I hated the fact that I allowed myself to trust him.  As our children were born, I slowly allowed him to take hold of my heart and now I finally needed him, but there was no love given back; not in the way I needed it to be given. I was so ticked off for finally letting my guard down and allowing myself to be vulnerable since I didn’t want to in the first place.

He spent more time apologizing to me for hurting me, but it did nothing to change what I felt. I understood he was trying to provide for me, but I needed him to stand up for our family.   The leadership at the church demanded more and more from him without any care about his young family. When he gave them an inch they took 10 miles and cared less about him being tired or the growing tension between us.  After several fights, I turned to belittling him hoping that it would cause him to notice how serious I was and to make him take some action to change. When even that did not work, I turned on those he worked with and for.  They saw my attitude and knew that I was not happy.  They had made my husband choose them over me and I was not going to just smile about it.

My past hurts, without me realizing it, had now taken control of my current actions.  My mind felt like that child who was trying to do whatever she could to be loved and noticed.  Sam was not hurting me in ways that others did in my past, but my mind saw no difference.  I began to make a world for myself without him.  I wanted to hurt him back because he promised to love me, take care of me and be there for me, however I felt lied to. I put my guard down because I trusted him.  I gave him my heart and he was breaking it.  I wrestled this demon before and I would not lose.

The Biggest Mistake

(Sam)

I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!  It was crazy, but it was happening and the strain it placed on both of us was impossible to ignore.  I don’t know how we got through it if it were not for our faith in God.  There came the day when, again, I apologized for coming home late and Marsha responded by saying, “I don’t care.” It was different than all her other usual responses.  It was distant and it was colder.  It took a while to sink in, but I had lost her.  Emotionally she had checked out.  Divorce was not an option in our playbook, nonetheless mentally it was as if we were.  How was I so wrong with intentions that were meant to be so right?

If you are someone who is married to another with a past that caused trauma and pain, please, listen to me.

1.The biggest mistake we can make in our relationship with them is to try and love them as we think they need to be loved.  We need to go to God every single day for wisdom on how to love his child.  He knows better than them what they need to be what

2. Your spouse needs to be heard–I said this before–they may not always be ready to tell you everything all at once.  Some things may take time.  Patience is apart of love.  You need to know that nothing great comes instantly.  What ever you wait for and work hard for will be appreciated and cherished.  Allow these moments to show how you need to change as well. You may gain their love,  however you must realize that their heart, the thing that they emotionally protect the most, requires work and patience to obtain.

3.  Healing comes in many different ways and the part you play in that process can hinder or help the heaing.  Remember God will use you as a tool for healing, you won’t bring healing.  Allow God to use you as a physical version of him so that they can experience healing.

Marsha and I healed and our love now is stronger than ever.  What we went through has made us stronger and wiser about ministry and family.  I had to make changes in my job and behavior in order to help meet her needs as she needed them met.  At times change is needed in order to grow.

Weekly Challenge:

Take a few minutes to read Ephesians 5:21-33.  If you are a wife trying to love a broken husband, see how you can honor your husband more so that he can get healing.  Honoring and respecting your husband may give him more confidence to trust you with his inner thoughts.

If you are a husband loving a broken wife, see how how God is commanding you to love her the way he loves you.  Maybe you need to take more time to listen to what she is saying and not saying, so that she can feel safe with you.

Please feel free to make a comment below or email us on the side for additional support.