Hey everybody, it’s me,David.  In August Sam and I blogged about our experiences in helping our wives emotionally and spiritually through the traumas they experienced.  We are coming together again this month to discuss our perspectives in helping those who have dealt with past hurts and what we learned from them.  Our view points will be from our own experiences in helping others and we know that there isn’t “one true” method that will work for everyone, but we hope within this month we can use these situation we faced, to help our readers find some answers to their circumstances.  I’m going to use my relationship with my wife Alejandra to explain.

How Do I Know if I Am Chosen for This Task?

When I was younger, my dating relationships did not last long. In fact I never really lasted more than a week with one individual because I truly sought God’s approval in the matter in one way or another.  He would nudge at my heart saying “she not it”, so I would move on.  In each case, I would always feel this impression on my heart from Him, except when I met Alejandra.

Looking back now, I think I see why God did this with me when it came to my relationships.  I believe that if I had I pursued the other relationships, they would have made me numb to Alejandra’s needs.  I probably would not have had the patience, love, and strength needed to be there for her.  I definitely would have excessive baggage of my own; that could have gotten in the way of how our time together.

What is one of the reason God has created us?  One of them is to show His love and I know that one of the people I was created to exemplify that love to, was my wife.  Who has God called you to show His love to?  Is it a spouse, dear friend or family member?  Maybe it’s all of the above.  He has ordained us for the purpose of blessing and strengthening each other.  When you are called to love a hurting person, it is a task that has your name stamped on it.  There may be time when you are the only one that has the favor of the person and you may feel like you’re inadequate or incompetent for the job.  Know that God has placed you where you are strategically and for a reason.  In the book, Stepping Up:  A Call to Courageous Manhood by Dennis Rainey, founder of Family Life, wrote a quote from Winston Churchill that impacted me:

“There comes into the life of every man a task for which he and he alone is uniquely suited.  What a shame if that moment finds him either unwilling or unprepared for that which would become his finest hour.”

Are you chosen for the task?  We all are, and though you can’t help everyone, you can help some people some of the time.  This is why it is important to allow God to lead you.  I may not have the answers for everyone, but He will equip me for the need, as He will do for you.

Baggage Claim – Hurts Turned to Anger

Have you ever traveled with family members who over pack?  You have your bags and you are able to carry them fine, but because they over packed, you now have to carry some of their luggage along with yours.  This is sometimes what happens emotionally and even spiritually to many who try to help others.  For me, I was okay with carrying a few of Alejandra’s extra bags, what I didn’t expect to find there were also bags in the “unclaimed” area.  These were bags of the past, before I was in the picture, that no one helped her carry.  They were left unattended and piled up together; the longer they were left, the harder it became for Alejandra to “unpack” her heart and emotions.  In time this put a toll on her and she became guarded on who to trust and how to be vulnerable.

All of my wife’s past hurts had been stored up in her heart for too long and it turned into anger.  Whenever we had an argument, it would result in dishes and cups being thrown everywhere.  For some reason her outlet was smashing dishes?  In these moments, I felt like Neo from the Matrix movies, dodging plates as if they were bullets in slow motion.  I kept on wondering why my wife was so angry and why it happened so easily.  The more I tried to help her, the angrier she became.  What do you do when the one you are trying to help is not willing to accept it?

I tried scripture.  I quoted to her Bible verses left and right, but nothing seemed to help. The more Bible verses I shared the more dishes she threw. I felt defeated, and I began to feel as broken as those dishes on our hardwood floor.   At my lowest points I found strength in this verse.

“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13

What helped me find strength to keep fighting for the emotional healing of my wife was the presence of the one who could overcome our troubles.  It was in my lowest point, that I felt God the most.  As Christians, we learn fast that we cannot fight this life and all it has to throw at us on our own.  He equips us with in which we will find victory.  This is not an easy task.  This is not something that happens overnight.  It is draining, exhausting, monotonous, and frustrating at times.

Why are they angry?  Most of the time it is because they were hurt and that hurt turned to fear and fear turned into anger. (Jedi moment)  On our own we can cause more harm than good because, we ourselves may become frustrated along the way, but he will show us how to be a tool of healing.

Fighting For Them and Not With Them.

The battles I faced when trying to be there for my wife made it easy for me to think about divorce rather than staying together.  I needed courage to fight the battle at hand and to see this through.  See it is easy to think of your spouse or loved one as your enemy when he/she is fighting you tooth and nail making it difficult to think clearly and rationally.  Alejandra wasn’t my enemy, she was simply reflecting the results of past hurts and pains and didn’t know how to control and deal with them. I needed to remember that as I fought this battle with her, that I fought it on the right battlefield.  She was not my enemy, Satan was, and he was trying to use any ammo he could to tear us apart.

Let me speak to all of our married readers and to those who plan to be married one day for a moment.  As a married couple you are target for the enemy.  Satan loves to attack marriages because they are a backbone to the Christian faith.  In scripture, marriage is used to represent our current and future relationship with Christ.  It is an institution that was created by God where a man and a woman come together to raise children, work together, find comfort and help in setting an example to others about God’s love and salvation.  If Satan can change that, the examples set forth by marriage of God’s love become a whole lot easier for this world to question and doubt.  This is why Christian marriages must be different than the worlds and why the enemy looks to destroy our faith by attacking marriages so much.

It takes courage not to fight back and hold your tongue when everything in you shouts otherwise. Winston Churchill put it like this,

“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm”

It takes courage to not react and remain kind.  It doesn’t take anything to scream out and just allow emotions to run rampant.  It, at times, feel easier to just let our anger loose and let the chips fall where they may.  I recall a time where the dishes were once broken on the floor.  I came in calmly and just picked them up, and then offered her a glass of water just to calm her down.  I myself was shocked at my choice reaction, but so was she.  Though the expressions of anger and failure was obvious by the evidence of broken dishes on the floor, it was the act of kindness that I showed that made it a day of victory and not of defeat.  I was there with her and for her, not against her.  It was an act of courage that I chose, not one of flesh.  I can’t tell you that after this there were no more outbursts, but I have to say that after I continued to love her the way she needed, there were fewer outburst.

Practical Thinking

One thing we all have to remember, is that we cannot change our loved ones.  We are tools used by God, He is the mechanic.  So with that remember these few points.

1. Be honored that God chose you, but be clear on what He chose you to do and how He wants you to do it.  Remember, Love doesn’t always look pretty..
2. Keep in mind that hurting people are not always rational in their thinking, reactions, or even their decision making. Try not to take their rejection personally.  Be patient and understanding to the cause of their hurt.
3. Make sure to allow for God to show you healthy boundaries so that you know what lines not to cross. Remember who the real enemy is.

Thank you for reading this week! Let me pray with you,

Father thank you for this day, and for the opportunity to minister to your people.  Lord we thank you for equipping us and teaching us how to love those in whom we are called to serve and help.  Lord we pray this week that you would help us to understand our loved ones, their hurts, and anger. Help us see them for who they are, and teach us how to better fight the real enemy and not with our hands, but with our knees. Help us and guide us Lord. In Jesus name we pray. Amen

Weekly Challenge:

Read Jeremiah 31:3 and see what God uses to draw us to him.  Look and see how you can change they way you draw the hurting.  Maybe there are somethings you know are not working.  I challenge you to adjust and let God use you.

Feel free to comment below or email us for additional help.  Follow us on Instagram or Facebook @throughthewinters.com

Seasons of Life

How do you break down the walls that you have built overtime from passed hurt?  Is it even possible? Well let me tell you a story.  It was a Sunday and I was getting my then two-month-old and one-year-old, ready for church.  My then five- and seven-year-old, were a little more independent so they could somewhat dress themselves. It was mid-winter and I was so frustrated because I had to get layers and layers of clothes on them before leaving. It wasn’t just a t-shirt and shorts like it was a month ago.  It was thick socks, undershirts, shirts and sweaters, with hats and scarves to follow.  I literally live 200 feet from the church, but walking it in four or five inches of snow with four small children feels like walking an Alaskan mile with glaciers in the background and polar bears chasing you.  It is never ending and I’ve been tempted to leave one of them behind just to get indoors.

Every Sunday, before this tumultuous journey without fail, I would start getting one dressed and by the time I would get half their clothes on, they would poop in their diaper…AHH!!  This meant I would have to peel it all off and start all over again.  Then when that child was clean, I started getting the other one ready… Then that one would poop in their diaper and I would have to do the same thing all over again… ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  It was so irritating I wanted to cry. I think I did once…maybe twice. Anyway, as irritating as it was to put on all those clothes, it was what they needed to brace for the weather that was outside.

Where I live (New York), as the seasons change so does what you wear.  In summer you are in thin, loose garments to be comfortable in the heat.  In the winter you bundle up in a big coat so that you can handle the freezing winds and boots to handle the inches of snow and ice.  In the fall and spring, you are a little bit unsure what the day is going to bring because you are moving from one season to another.  You may have worn a thin shirt yesterday, but that doesn’t mean you will have the same luxury the next day.

Insulated From The Cold

I feel like every season represents different stages of our spiritual journey.  The summer represents vulnerability.  You are more open and there is little you are covering up.  Sometimes you are way too exposed and you get burned.  God is teaching you in his pool of life.

Winter represents a time of protection.  You are in this season because you’ve been hurt, broken, or maybe it’s a time where God is trying to mature you from a trial or tribulation.  This is probably the time when you are least likely to open up because it’s so cold outside (so to speak).

Then fall and spring are times of uncertainty because you are in a time of transition; there are warm moments then there are cold moments.  What are you transitioning from?  Maybe you are transitioning from being vulnerable to being more protected due to new circumstances or challenges of life—it could just be changes that need to happen.  Or maybe it’s the other way around — maybe you are transitioning from being protected to being more vulnerable because that season of protection is ending.

Insulated From the Cold

Can you really recover from the heartbreak of betrayal?  Several years ago I went through one of the worst spiritual winters in my life.  I had been betrayed by several people who I had once called friends and even family.  These people allowed themselves to be manipulated by one person and eventually turned against me.  This was definitely a brutal spiritual winter as I tried to keep myself protected, not just from the blows of disappointment but from the instinct of retaliation and bitterness.

After the series of “snow storms” were finished, I spent so much time protecting myself from anymore hurt and in the process I understood loneliness in its purest form.  I was in such a dark, ugly, confusing time of my life and I dressed for the season.  I refused to be vulnerable to anyone during this time, no one was exempt including my husband; it was just way too cold.  I went to church and greeted everyone, but I insulated myself from any new friendships that were trying to blossom.  I wanted whatever warmth I did have to remain and that meant not allowing any new friendship the opportunity to expose me.

Solomon said it in Ecclesiastes 3:1:  “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”

It was a very unpleasant time for those trying to get close to me but that was not the season I was in.  But I did not stay protected forever.  After a year or so of God’s healing, I went through my spiritual spring.  There were good days and bad, warm and cold, sunny and rainy, certainty and confusion.  It took so long for me to realize how to be vulnerable again because I felt like I was in that season forever.

What was and is awesome about God is that he didn’t want me to do it all at once.  It was in stages and I think God understands that and even encourages it.  We all go through our own spiritual cycles of winter, spring, summer, and fall.  Sometimes God calls us to spiritually peel layers, and other times we are called to protect.

Psalms 31:1-5 says…

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

I have learned in my winter season to run to God for refuge and in my wrongness.  He covers me in His righteousness.  He hears my cries and saves me.  When I am walking in the deep snow and cannot see the traps Satan has put before me, I am comforted that God is leading and guiding my steps.

Practical Thinking

If we look at these verses in Proverbs we can see a few things.

1. When we allow ourselves to run to God, we are safe no matter what the weather is outside. He is our fortress in a time of trouble and the place of rest in the time of weariness.
2. He will save you when things are coming on all sides and when you trust in him, you will not be ashamed.
3. Allow God to lead and guide you. During my time of “insulation” there were people that later proved to be dangerous to me.  Allow God to guide you to the people that will support the process you are in and will pray for you.  Don’t feel guilty if there are others who you don’t feel safe with yet.
4. Remember that there is a battle going on and we have an invisible enemy that will try to trap you. The trap may not look as obvious as it did before, so again, ask God for guidance.

Take a minute to sit in a quiet place with God and see how you can trust God just a little bit more than you did yesterday.  What areas can you honestly say that you haven’t given over to God because you are afraid to be ashamed? Find refuge in God.  Seek to learn the lessons he is trying to teach.

Weekly Challenge:

So what season are you in?  Are you in a vulnerable state with God and those around you? Or are you in the middle of a brutal winter with God?  Are there blizzards and dark moments?  Or are you transitioning?  Were you once vulnerable now you feel like life is getting a little colder and you feel it is best to protect yourself?  Or is God telling you to peel off those layers because it’s getting a little warmer?  Are you transitioning from protection to vulnerability, but not sure what the day will bring?

What do you feel like God is calling you to do during this time?  Take some time to read Psalms 109:16-31.  Let the words speak to where you are right now.  We would love to hear from you in the comments below.  Or you can feel free to send me an email for additional support.  Follow is on Facebook and Instagram @throughthewinters.com.  If you have not subscribed yet for our newsletters, do it now!! We do quarterly giveaways and weekly encouragement.  We appreciate you!

Ready Or Not, Here Winter Comes

Out of the four seasons that we go through, I absolutely, undeniably hate—loathe even—the winter season. It is cold and dark because the sun goes down sooner. On one hand it can be extremely ugly because the once beautiful green luxurious leaves that was all around, have fallen off and the remaining plants are brown and brittle. At the same time, it can be purely beautiful because the white snow that covers the surface of everything reminds us of purity in an impure world.

It can also be very silent. Throughout the summer, it is noisy with the play of children and the constant singing of birds of all kinds. During winter though, there is pure silence as the children can find it more pleasant to play indoors and the birds have gone on a vacation to a warmer climate. I spend the first two to three weeks of the cold reminiscing on the trips to the pool and the cook-outs we shared with friends and family. I must come to grips with the reality that no matter how I wish or pray for a delay or removal of winter, this season is going to come.

One day, in the middle of the winter, my husband and I were coming home from an event and something caught my eye. I stepped out of the car and looked closely. I zipped up my coat and walked closer to it. In the midst of all the white snow that was covering my yard, there was an unusually bright green color coming out of the ground. It was this beautiful flower that was weathering the frigid wind—emerging from the cold soil—this plant’s endurance did not match the season it was in. How did this little plant do it?

Winter, a Season of Punishment or Change?

There were moments when I thought I wouldn’t be able to weather the cold winds of life. I couldn’t take any more blows, so I imagined ending it all. At a very young age I was sexually abused by a family member; and physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by my father. When a child is violated sexually by someone that they trusted, it’s like sending a virus into a computer, everything starts going wrong.

My father’s abuse was so extreme that I thought he was certainly going to kill me. He didn’t know how to control me so all he could do was try to beat me into submission. My world was upside down. Sadly, my soul was calling out for love and guidance, but all that was received  was violence and rejection. The pain of being misunderstood, the cries for help that never got answered and the tears of bitterness that soaked my pillow went unnoticed and ignored. It was a season of loneliness, fear, anger and frustration. I thought that seemingly lifeless, hopeless season was going to break me, but with God’s help, I refused to allow this season to destroy me.

I became like this plant in the snow. The Through the Winters Ministry is all about helping the hurting, confused, broken, and others break through the painfully cold moments in their lives. We are here as a resource to help those who are in that season, to realize that there is hope. This is not just for those who have gone through abuse or loss or even a “moment” of hurt and despair — maybe it’s just “life.”

Winter is a part of life and it’s not always fair, warm, understanding, forgiving, or reasonable. Winter is not a curse or a punishment. You may feel like no one understands. I need you to know that you are not alone. You don’t have to allow the cold to consume you. We don’t have to let the season define the outcome of our lives. We don’t have to give into the fear that arises because we feel alone. We don’t have to let the light go out just because it’s a dark season. We cannot give up because—one thing we know for certain—seasons aren’t forever.

We must also face the reality that winter is not a one-time event for us (unless we live on a tropical island). But really, no matter where you are in location or in life you will experience multiple rough traitorous seasons. There are some things we can all do during these times. Psalm 32:6-8 (NIV) says,

Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
will not reach them.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Some ways to insulate ourselves…

1. Let God be your hiding place– The seasons of life will change, but our God will never change.  He will be the cleft in the rock so that we can find refuge, an immovable and stable rock.  We can rely on him to shield us from the storms.
2. Be confident of God’s protection while he surrounds us– Know that God protects when we run to him. Many of us have gone through things and think that God didn’t protect us, but in the scope of our circumstances we have no idea what was truly awaiting us.  God has and will protect us in this torrential time.
3. Tear up your master plan for life-God’s protection works best when we surrender our idea of what is best for us. It is like going into the cockpit of an airplane and demanding to fly the plane when you hit turbulence.  Would you rely on your skill-less frantic emotions to navigate in hard times? Or would you buckle your seat belt and trust the pilot.

So during this time learn to seek God, pray to him and allow him to be your protection. Let him instruct you and teach you right now. This ministry is here to bring the comfort and support to those who want to get through these moments of pain by sharing the word and personal testimony. Yes, the word is amazing, but sometimes the testimonial of others that overcame some of the worst times in their lives with the help of God’s power, adds to hope. This flower is an example that growth can happen even when life hands us a death sentence. It can show us that we don’t have to allow the cold to dictate our life span. We have to make a decision that we will grow, we will stand firm, we will endure. We will survive and thrive Through the Winters.

Weekly Challenge:

Are you in a season in your life where it seems cold, lifeless, painful, lonely, dark or hopeless? Have you or are you going through a season where it seems silent? Is it a time when no one seems to be speaking to your pain (maybe God doesn’t even seem to be that talkative either)? Well King David in the Bible was so good at expressing his honest feelings to God.  He did not always say what was right, but he did keep his integrity.  I think Psalms 69:10-20 is a perfect example of a winter season that he was going through.  This is just a little encouragement when even the best of us has bad days.

Please feel free to comment below (at your comfort level) or you can send us a personal email for confidential support. We would love to hear from you! And if you know someone who can benefit from reading this, please share it.

Follow us on Facebook and on Instagram @throughthewinters.   Also if you haven’t signed up for our newsletter do that now on the homepage. We appreciate you.

The Day America Was Violated

Have you ever had someone invade your space and snatch your sense of peace and safety right from you?  Has there ever been a time that you felt so small that you felt like no one could really see you?  Well there was a day that my feelings of violation, anxiety and fear were shared by the rest of my nation exactly 16 years today.

The day of assault started like any other day.  I was on the phone with my older brother one early morning telling him about my decision to be a stay-at-home mom to my firstborn son, Joey.  I just informed my job about me not returning just a month or so before.  As I was ending the conversation with my older brother, my younger brother, who lived with me at the time, called my name from the living room.  I was ending the call soon, so I thought that he could wait.  He yelled my name once again and out of nowhere busted into my room, grabbed the remote and said, “TURN ON THE TV!!!  Don’t you hear me calling you?!!”  I thought: What is so stinking important?.  All of a sudden I saw it!  The building across from my, now, former job was on fire and every local news station was covering it.  The day was September 11, 2001 a little past 8 am.

I was stuck staring at the television that showed the building I used to go into for bagels, one of the Twin Towers, on fire.  My younger brother told me a plane just crashed into the building.  At some point I hung up with my older brother–but I don’t even know when–and went to the living room and out of pure helplessness, I called my former co-workers, but obviously, there were no answers.  I convinced myself that this had to be a camera trick.  My world was moving in slow motion as I watched a second plane smash into the second tower.  I did the only thing I could do and tried calling my former co-workers in desperation, again, no one answered.  I was in complete denial as I watched the towers fall as if an invisible hand was pushing them down like a sandcastle.  I felt absolutely helpless as I watched people scream through the streets that I used to walk through. I then realized that that could have been me.

Many people know the story of this very sad, sad day.  Unfortunately, this attack was followed by the attack on the Pentagon!  A third plane was strategically flown into the Pentagon building for maximum damage.  Then there was a fourth plane crash in a remote area that was meant for one more place, some think it set for the White House.

I was like every other American, I wanted answers.  After, it was confirmed that terrorists were behind this tragedy, everyone wanted to know, “What happens next?  How do we get them back?  When do we go to war?” The ink from President Bush’s signature wasn’t even dry before the troops were in the air, ready to find those responsible for this tragedy.  The military was filled with angry, determined, focused soldiers that day.

A Call To Arms

I don’t know what it’s like to fight in a physical war. However, I know what it’s like to feel hopeless because the blows of life just wouldn’t stop.  I know what it’s like to have an enemy invade my space and bring terror.  When I was five years old, my mother made the painful decision to leave me with other family members while she tried to get herself on her feet after moving to the U.S. from Jamaica one year before.  The absence of my mother gave me extreme separation anxiety.  She would visit me as often as she could, but every time she left, a part of me died.  My cousin used that opportunity to prey on me.  He told me that if I did not perform sexual acts on him that he would tell my mother to not come and visit me.  At the age of five in a foreign country with family members who I was not familiar with, it was the worst thing he could’ve said to me.  I would have rather you rip my heart out, blend it and hand it back to me than to take away my mother.

My cousin violated me, just like America was violated when terrorists came in and took away our sense of safety.  However, America did not allow those, behind such a vile act, get away so easily.  War was started with no hesitation.  We Christians are not called to flee the battlefield when the enemy musters up enough guts to attack us.  You see, America is known for their military skills.  Anyone that comes against America has to prepare for retaliation.  This nation has not trained their soldiers to run or ignore an attack, neither do Christians.  Christians are supposed to be soldiers, ambassadors, warriors and more.

For us not to retaliate against the enemy is like President Bush doing a press conference to address the attack on America, confirming that it was a terrorist attack, saying that the nation will come together to clean up the streets of NYC and Virginia, extending his condolences to those who lost loved ones, and after the clean-up was over, do absolutely NOTHING!  Would we, as Americans, allow that?  No way!

The very first thing we wanted to know would be,  “When do we attack?!  When do we leave?” There would be no hesitation, no question of the cost to go to war.  There would be no debate. Thankfully, not only did our president clean up the rubble left behind from the attack, but there was a call to arms.  President Bush didn’t have to beg people to enlist.  America knew what was needed.

While the war was on, he also looked to see how they got into America in the first place.  He was determined not to let this happened again.  He seized all those that played a part on the attack.  I want to take time to talk to all those that have been attacked at one point.  The assault is over, the dust has cleared. It’s clear that someone has come into your space and has taken your peace, and feeling of safety…what’s next.  Do you just get attacked and clean up the mess without retaliation?  Do you let them steal, kill and destroy without repercussion?

Our battle is not against flesh and blood.  My cousin was just a puppet in a bigger plan.  We all have an enemy.  If we can come to the conclusion that we have an adversary and he has raged war against us why do we have such a passive attitude towards it all?  When I found out that the enemy tried to rob me of the life God had for me, I didn’t just ask God to heal me and put me back together from being robbed of my innocence and childhood — there was a call to arms.

I Am Not Weaponless

When God called us to fight, he didn’t leave us weaponless; he has equipped us with everything to come out on top.  God has given us: the Word of God, our faith, our prayers, our obedience and other soldiers (fellow Christians) fighting alongside me in the same war.

So after getting the weapons, what is next? We need to learn about our enemy the devil and find out his tactics. This way he can never attack us the same way over and over again. When I took the weapons God gave me and learned the tactics of my enemy, God gave me one last weapon.  This weapon is unique for all of us.  It is one that gets stronger the more you stay with Him.   It’s a weapon that builds its self up the longer you are on the battlefield.  It is the weapon of “The story of how you overcome and the word of your testimony.”  Look at what it says in Revelation 12:11.

They triumphed over him
    by the blood of the Lamb
    and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
    as to shrink from death.

I entered the battlefield of ministry and used my testimony as a weapon against the enemy to help others, that’s how I got here with you. When I started using my testimony as a weapon, Satan had to think carefully and strategically before attacking me.  The more he chose to come up against me the more ammo he was giving me.  I had determined within myself that I would not be struck down and that I won’t ever be destroyed.  His blows may hurt for awhile, but when I recovered, not IF but WHEN,  from any attack he had better watch out.
Friend if there is no other blog post you need to read, please read and take this one seriously. You have God, but you also have an enemy. I did not know anything about a man thousands of miles away named Osama Bin Ladan. He meant nothing to me  and I didn’t care about his gang of Taliban until September 11, 2001, 16 years ago, when he made himself known. Satan meant nothing to me until I realized he took things from me that I could not get back.

Weekly Challenge:

I would love for you to think for a moment, what have you done to arm yourself against the attacks of the enemy? Have you let the enemy attack your without consequence? Is there a part of your story that is perfect ammo but you are too scared to use it? We want to hear from you in the comments below! Also, if you want to stop being the victim and want to become the victor, but not sure how and need help, send us an email or comment below if you feel comfortable. Also if you would like to hear more about my testimony read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free!
You can also buy the full book on Amazon!

Through the Winters – No More Excuses from Through the Winters on Vimeo.

Through The Winters -Vlog 1 from Through the Winters on Vimeo.

Filth In A Dress

Have you ever had a friend tell you about their opinion of someone before you met them?  How much weight do you put in their compliments or reservation of the unknown person?  I know for me if my best friends tell me that there is someone coming that is loving, caring, funny or even untrustworthy, rude, etc…I will have their description in the back of my mind no matter what I experience firsthand.  At the age of 7, when God introduced himself to me for the first time, I already got the scoop on him from my Sunday School teachers and it wasn’t too pleasant.

I was not raised in a Christian home. A wonderful family took me to church while my parents stayed home on Sunday mornings. Other children were dressed up in their Sunday best and so was I. However, my clothes did not mirror who I was. I was a child stripped of the adequate parental love and affection. My faith in others was lost because those who were supposed to protect me stole my innocence. I was living in a world turned upside down from my turbulent childhood. I was faced with intense bullying and became a bully at a very young age. I started to do many things that I would later regret. Along with that, by the time I walked into the doors of the church I was in the beginning stages of my struggle with sexual addiction.

How do you minister to a child like that? Well it was at church that I learned about God’s love, strength, and power. Who was this God? My definition of God at 7 years of age was some invisible being who wanted to come into my life with a new set of unreachable rules and regulations — that’s how I saw him because that’s how he was introduced to me. If I didn’t follow these “rules” I was going to be punished—I was used to that, so no big deal.

Hell… Yes, I Want In!

I remember one lesson in particular where my teacher started talking to us about two different men. One man lived his life the way he wanted to and there was another man who was the Christian who followed after God. The Christian did what God told him to do and was able to go into this magical land called Heaven. The other man was sent to this horrible place called hell, to be tortured because he was a liar, a thief, and lived his life the way he wanted to.

When you talk to a little girl like me — who was entering into the world of sexual addiction, who cursed like a sailor and had the temper like an unstable bomb — hearing about hell was a relief;I just wanted a place. Heaven, to me, was an unreachable standard. It was for good little girls and boys like some of the friends I was meeting at church. They lived lives of magical rainbows and unicorns, while I was doing everything not to drown in my slimy sin filled life every single day.

How could someone like me ever make it to Heaven?  If I stubbed my toe going to school I used potty words.  This place seemed so much more comforting because I could fail and fall every single day of my life and my status in hell wouldn’t be moved.  I could blow up in school and beat someone to a pulp and not worry because hell was for failures, losers, liars, the violent and more.

I never felt angry towards my Children’s Church teacher for her lesson, but at that age everything is an introduction. She was introducing me to my God. She was setting the stage for where my foundation would be built. She was doing the best she could. Nonetheless, the truth is that there is not one story in the Bible where God introduces himself and hell to an unbeliever. My introduction to God through my teacher was nothing short of wrong. In the world we live in, Christians are known for listing those who are going to hell, but they forget that they were once on that list. Unfortunately, some Christians present God as a divine master who has a hardened heart towards those who need him.

There was a man in the Bible called Saul. He was one of the worst characters in the New Testament. Saul persecuted and killed many Christians because he thought he was doing the right thing. God got a hold of him by knocking him off his high horse, so to speak, and confronted him. Surely God would tell this guy he was going to hell if he didn’t shape up. In Acts 9:1, 3-5 you will see their first conversation:

“Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples. […]3 As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. 4 He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”
5 “Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked.
“I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied.”

As you read on, never once did God say to this murderous, violent, self-centered, self-righteous, foul-mouthed Pharisee that he was going to hell, there was no one else that needed that knowledge more than him.

God’s Not Scared of Rejection

I was about 7, maybe 8 years old–way too young to complicate the voice of God, when he spoke to me. It was at this time that the Lord straight up asked me about when I was going to give in and let him into my life. I made it clear to him that I had gotten a bad deal in this life. I had a mother who was not around, a father that couldn’t stand me and now a God who wanted to be a “Father” to me.

I rejected God the day I had my first conversation with him. Even though I rejected him, He did not turn around to tell me where my end would be.  All God wanted me to know was that He was there and He wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted to let me know that there was more to him than what I had experienced thus far. He knew I needed just to know that He was real and when I was ready, He was ready for a relationship and was willing to clean the dirt/sin off of me.

I don’t know where you are, but has anyone ever reminded you of how your actions make you a perfect candidate for hell? Well that may very well be, but the truth is that every single human being who is born in this wretched world is a candidate for hell—even the best of the best. I want to tell you that God did not send His only Son to this earth to be tortured just to remind everyone where they are going without him in their lives.  He died a horrific death on the cross so that He could rescue us from eternity in Hell!

Practical Thinking

I want to talk to those that are ministering to someone who is living a very wretched life style.

1. Make sure that you contribute to a healthy first impression-when you are ministering to someone who has gone through a lot in life.  Your view of God plays a big part in the way they receive him for the first time.
2. Take some time to review how you define God’s character.  Is yours definition one that lines up to the word or do you battle with some things clarity yourself.
3. Don’t focus on their filth, but instead focus on their potential.  Those who come to God in filth don’t need you to focus on their hurt, pain, sin or habits.  They need you to fix your eyes on what God can do, so that their garment of sin will be too uncomfortable.
4. When you can root yourself in their future with God, they will be more prone to let go of anything that keeps them back.

Don’t forget who God is to you. If we have been saved for a long time we sometimes forget the path we had to walk in order to be with God.  Take the time to remember your positive impression of God and share it.  In honesty, share where you were when you understood who God really was and be patient with their experiences.

Weekly Challenge:

We at Through the Winters want to be there for you as you take a journey to learn the true heart of God. Has your view of God and his heart for you been distorted by other’s imperfect, limited, uncertain ideas? Is it possible that you are relating to God the way others have told you to relate to Him without really searching him out for yourself? We would love to hear from you in the comments below or via email. I want to encourage you to get our book, The Threshing: A Weapon Forged By Fire if you were battling with some of the things mentioned. Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free! You can also buy the full book on Amazon.

This is the last week to our marriage series.  So we have a question, what happens when your name is added to the list of betrayers in your spouses eyes.  You promise to love and take care of your significant other, however you drop the ball and bring harm unexpectedly.

The Threshold, the Real Starting Point

Last week Marsha and I shared about the beginning stages of courting each other.  To say that my journey to gain Marsha’s heart was easy would be a flat out lie. She fell in love with me as I did with her, but her heart remained guarded even after we married.  Falling in love was the easy part.  Having Marsha trust me with her heart after so many had hurt and damaged it was another thing.  See Marsha knew that she cared for me, and that she wanted to be with me.  We laughed and did things together, enjoyed each other’s company, and loved living together as husband and wife.  Her heart, however, was still very guarded.  It didn’t matter that I was her husband. I was still in the category of people who could hurt her and betray her trust.  Giving me her heart meant that I now would be the one to care for her and nurture her.  She would be vulnerable and transparent with me, trusting me to protect her from her fears and not judging for those things of her past that made her feel ashamed. This wasn’t her being unreasonable either.  She loved me and really wanted to believe that I was different, but that was something I was going to have to prove to her.  Sadly, I didn’t do that too well in the early years of our marriage.

(Marsha)

The marriage altar is considered, by some, as the finish line to the big goal and the wedding ring is the trophy of success. I, however, see it in a different light.  The marriage altar  is the starting line and the wedding ring is just a reminder of the lifelong marathon that lies ahead.  My mistake was that I thought once I walked over the threshold of our new apartment, everything would be better.  I thought that I would be better.  I loved Sam and loved being with him.  I got to a place where I started to trust my husband, but while on this marathon we began to run into obstacles.  We faced challenges that actually had me seeing my husband as the enemy.

(Sam)

I couldn’t go back in time and save Marsha from what had happened to her.  So I vowed to be the best man I could in loving her and providing for her.  My problem was that I didn’t listen to her properly in order to provide and love her as she needed me to do.  I did them as I felt it should be done.  My intentions were good, but the delivery of those intentions only complicated our relationship.

This neglect on my part showed its self the most when I received my first job in ministry as a youth pastor.   We knew that this was God ordering our steps. There was no doubt about that.  About a year in, the demands placed on me called for more hours at the church.  I was told that I had to work a set amount of office hours and separate from my time of ministry.  I wanted to do right by my wife and I knew that this was where God had called me to be, so I just accepted the responsibility thinking that this is what a good husband who loves his wife is supposed to do.  However, while doing what I thought was right, I was neglecting Marsha and our growing family.  She had just begun to trust me with her heart and I was about to be careless with it.

New Life, Same Demon

(Marsha)

It might have been different if running the youth ministry was all Sam had to do. Our church had an attendance of 1,800 people on a Sunday morning.   This attendance amount was split up into 3 services.  Sam was very talented and with a church this size it became part of his job to fill in where needed–along with running the youth and its sub-ministries–it soon became clear to me that the challenges of Sam’s job and the hours he put in during the week were going to put a strain on us. There were times when he had to work on his off days, work late into the night and still be expected to show up on time the next day.

One time he was reprimanded because he took two hours off to go to the laundry mat to wash clothes. That week Sam had worked everyday 12 to 14 hours each day preparing for a Christmas Production and when he took the time to wash clothes he was told he was being irresponsible.

At this time, we were a family with two children 2 years apart from one another.  I needed so much help because I was overwhelmed at being a stay at home mom. With Sam working almost 80 hours a week, 7 days a week at times I was feeling neglected and ignored. I remember begging him for attention and explaining to him how I needed him at home with me and the kids.  He didn’t know what to do and his logic was that if he did not work, then we did not eat so he went to work.

It was at that moment when I hated the fact that I allowed myself to trust him.  As our children were born, I slowly allowed him to take hold of my heart and now I finally needed him, but there was no love given back; not in the way I needed it to be given. I was so ticked off for finally letting my guard down and allowing myself to be vulnerable since I didn’t want to in the first place.

He spent more time apologizing to me for hurting me, but it did nothing to change what I felt. I understood he was trying to provide for me, but I needed him to stand up for our family.   The leadership at the church demanded more and more from him without any care about his young family. When he gave them an inch they took 10 miles and cared less about him being tired or the growing tension between us.  After several fights, I turned to belittling him hoping that it would cause him to notice how serious I was and to make him take some action to change. When even that did not work, I turned on those he worked with and for.  They saw my attitude and knew that I was not happy.  They had made my husband choose them over me and I was not going to just smile about it.

My past hurts, without me realizing it, had now taken control of my current actions.  My mind felt like that child who was trying to do whatever she could to be loved and noticed.  Sam was not hurting me in ways that others did in my past, but my mind saw no difference.  I began to make a world for myself without him.  I wanted to hurt him back because he promised to love me, take care of me and be there for me, however I felt lied to. I put my guard down because I trusted him.  I gave him my heart and he was breaking it.  I wrestled this demon before and I would not lose.

The Biggest Mistake

(Sam)

I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!  It was crazy, but it was happening and the strain it placed on both of us was impossible to ignore.  I don’t know how we got through it if it were not for our faith in God.  There came the day when, again, I apologized for coming home late and Marsha responded by saying, “I don’t care.” It was different than all her other usual responses.  It was distant and it was colder.  It took a while to sink in, but I had lost her.  Emotionally she had checked out.  Divorce was not an option in our playbook, nonetheless mentally it was as if we were.  How was I so wrong with intentions that were meant to be so right?

If you are someone who is married to another with a past that caused trauma and pain, please, listen to me.

1.The biggest mistake we can make in our relationship with them is to try and love them as we think they need to be loved.  We need to go to God every single day for wisdom on how to love his child.  He knows better than them what they need to be what

2. Your spouse needs to be heard–I said this before–they may not always be ready to tell you everything all at once.  Some things may take time.  Patience is apart of love.  You need to know that nothing great comes instantly.  What ever you wait for and work hard for will be appreciated and cherished.  Allow these moments to show how you need to change as well. You may gain their love,  however you must realize that their heart, the thing that they emotionally protect the most, requires work and patience to obtain.

3.  Healing comes in many different ways and the part you play in that process can hinder or help the heaing.  Remember God will use you as a tool for healing, you won’t bring healing.  Allow God to use you as a physical version of him so that they can experience healing.

Marsha and I healed and our love now is stronger than ever.  What we went through has made us stronger and wiser about ministry and family.  I had to make changes in my job and behavior in order to help meet her needs as she needed them met.  At times change is needed in order to grow.

Weekly Challenge:

Take a few minutes to read Ephesians 5:21-33.  If you are a wife trying to love a broken husband, see how you can honor your husband more so that he can get healing.  Honoring and respecting your husband may give him more confidence to trust you with his inner thoughts.

If you are a husband loving a broken wife, see how how God is commanding you to love her the way he loves you.  Maybe you need to take more time to listen to what she is saying and not saying, so that she can feel safe with you.

Please feel free to make a comment below or email us on the side for additional support.

Intimacy (Into-Me-You-See)

(Alejandra)

Hello there! This is Alejandra AND David Tash again! Last week we spoke about “showing the books!”  Meaning, when is it the right time to reveal to each other our brokenness (link) and how inadequate one can feel when burdened with information that was once unknown.  My husband David compared marriage to the prepping of a cake. We all love eating the cake. However, many refuse to put in the work that is required to attain that moment of pure enjoyment.  Now, what do you do when all the cards are laid on the table?  Much of my brokenness had turned into anger, and now that my husband knew why I was so angry, we needed to seek a healing agent.  For me, that healing came as God shown through my husband. The term, “I do, but I can’t” was born out of my inability to be functional in my marriage.  Though I said “I do” to being a wife, I didn’t know how to be one.

This week we want to talk about intimacy. To most of us, when we talk about intimacy we think about sex. But how can one even touch that topic when there isn’t a connection of the hearts?  David and I once heard at a marriage retreat, that the word intimacy really means into-me-you-see. Intimacy is more than just sex in marriage.  David needed to really see how broken I truly was, before we could enter truly into an intimate relationship.

Why Do Hurt People, Hurt People?

I have to say, I was very prone to fleeing. I run the minute I think that my wounds from my past are about to be reopened.  Every time David would try to talk to me about my past, it felt like he wanted to hurt me.  Eventually, that hurt which had not been dealt with, turned to anger.   The only person to lash out at was him. I thought, Before he hurts me, I’ll hurt him.  Every word that came out of me was through yelling at the top of my lungs.  I would even lash out physically to show my level of anger and break dishes.

I remember crying myself to sleep one time after I had a huge blowup.  I was ashamed of my actions and was wondering why I would hurt someone I so deeply loved? The answer to that question was simple.  I didn’t know how to love and how to love David for who he really was.

(David)

After several arguments with Alejandra, I truly considered divorce. I seriously heard a voice saying, “Come on, you can’t do this. Just leave her.”  I remember being on my knees and saying…nothing, I just groaned and sobbed.  There are times where you’re so beat down that you’re on your knees and feel helpless and weak.

“… the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Romans 8:26 NIV

I know this verse was true because moments after, I felt God say, “I want Alejandra to truly experience love, and you are the only one who can do that. I want you to love her.” From that moment on, I not only felt peace about what God was saying to me, but He also gave me the strength to do it. I felt His overwhelming strength, peace and above all love that armed and equipped me for the task at hand. Psalm 18:31-36 says:

For who is God except the Lord?

    Who but our God is a solid rock?

³² God arms me with strength,

    and he makes my way perfect.

³³ He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

    enabling me to stand on mountain heights.

³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;

    he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

³⁵ You have given me your shield of victory.

    Your right hand supports me;

    your help^[d] has made me great.

³⁶ You have made a wide path for my feet

    to keep them from slipping.

Scriptures like this gave me what I needed to be patient with her.  It made able to be kind even when she wasn’t, and to not let my pride get in the way while everything in me screamed, “Just quit!”  God’s voice was so much stronger.  One thing I know is that without God this marriage would have been over.  It was God who armed me with strength.  My main weapon was the scriptures in the Bible that taught me how to love my wife like Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25)

My Marriage, Christ, and The Church?

I studied and looked at how Christ dealt with us, the church, and how he loved His people.  I knew that this would be the key to how I could minister to my wife’s heart and just as important, how I could show my love towards her. The apostle John stated in the gospel…

 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. ¹² The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. ¹³ The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.”   John 10:11

 This verse ministered to me profoundly.  Notice that Jesus states, “the hired hand” runs away from the sheep when he sees the wolf coming that’s due to the fact he “cares nothing for the sheep”.  I couldn’t depend on anyone to help me love my wife the way she needed to be by me because they are just hired hands. They wouldn’t care for my wife like I did.  I needed to consult with God because only He knew the condition and remedy for my wife’s heart.

I want you to understand that God has set within you what you need in order to best serve your spouse.  He has prepared within us all that is needed for our spouse’s needs, wants, and desires.  I needed to lay my life down, and love my wife back to the life God had intended for her.  My goal was to build a fortress of safety around her, providing a place of healing and safety where she could learn to trust again.  I needed to provide for her an environment where she needed not to fear her past and abusive relationships.  Once Alejandra saw my willingness to lay my life down and go through the fire with her and for her, she began to trust.  This trust began to birth intimacy in our marriage.  She saw that my ultimate goal wasn’t sex it was love and the wellness of her emotional being.

Sometimes we may confuse intimacy for sex, but true intimacy in marriage is in knowing each other’s deepest feelings, fears, traumas, and hurts and providing a sense of security for one another.  Sex is great. However, it is nothing more if true intimacy between the husband and wife is never reached.  Can this happen over night?  Nope!  It took me about two years to tackle down this issue, and today we are still learning to fully overcome this aspect of marriage.  It is, however, so much easier now that my wife knows I can be trusted with her heart.

Weekly Challenge

This week, learn to be intimate with your spouse.  Don’t seek after sex so much as learning what ways God has called you to be what it is your spouse needs you to be for them. In what way can you become that safe place for your spouse?  I want you to study what Christ did for us, and ask God to help you to do the same for your spouse.  Now realize this. It is a daily 12am-12am shift.  Meaning, it doesn’t end!

Let’s Pray:

Lord, please help us to be considerate of our spouses. Please help us see past the anger, yelling, and shattered dishes and see the brokenness in our spouse. Equip us with your unfailing love, so we may be a representation to our spouses. Strengthen us in the times that we may become weary. We are not perfect, but we hold on to your truths in John 10:11 and practice 1 Cor. 13:4-7 so that we may never lose sight of the blessings you have given us. Let us hold no record of wrong as you also wash away our sins. Give us guidance and strength, in Jesus name. Amen!

Hi everyone! This series is particularly special to us.  I’d like to introduce to you my amazing husband, David Tash. We have the honor of bringing you the first ever Through the Winters Ministry Marriage Series!  David and I have seen so many marriages end before they can actually begin because one or both of the individuals in the relationship is experiencing some form of trauma or hurt that was never dealt with. Marriages like these can experience extreme havoc, especially in the intimacy and communication aspect.  We believe that healthy communication can help in producing greater intimacy and trust with your spouse. It will also help to provide a more united front as your understanding of the other’s weakness and sensitive areas, are exposed. This will allow for the true healing that God intends for us, this is an important step that will help your hurting spouse find a way to move forward.

(David)

Hey everybody and God bless you! You’d think we would have kids by now, with a marriage of 5 years. Simply put, we are enjoying marriage for all its beauty as God intended it to be. For those of you who may have rolled your eyes at the “5 seconds” that we have been married and think, “What does he know?” In this day and age many new couples don’t make it past the first year, let alone 5.

Marriage is a Piece of Cake, Right?

I know we are accustomed to using the phrase “piece of cake” as a means of sarcasm, but today I’d like to use it as a metaphor. I would say that mine and Alejandra’s, marriage is a “piece of cake,”to be more precise, a chocolate mousse cake topped off with a big strawberry.  Well, that delicious cake took some serious prepping and baking. In fact, it took more time to do all those things than eating the slice itself! For me to enjoy this slice of cake, I needed to work on making it become the final product that I would enjoy. I needed to physically get the ingredients, prepare the tools, mix and bake the cake. For my marriage to work and come out right, I needed to put in the proper time and effort in order for it to become what it is today. And like all cake makers, I made some mistakes the first time around. The finished product may have been okay, but there was room for more improvement. Maybe I put too much of this and not enough of that. I was determined to make every effort count so that I could make my marriage into the best product it could be, but what you do in the midst of your failure is what will determines your conclusion.

I fell in love with Alejandra when I witnessed how involved and committed she was to love God. It made her stand out quickly. She had the heart to serve and worship God in every area of her life. We had almost identical pathways, and it only solidified what we already had as individuals and what we were now creating together. I once asked her “Why do you love God so hard?” She replied, “He keeps me sane.” At that time I took this as a joke, until the day she told me her story.

When Is It The Right Time to Show “The Books?”

In any business merger, no merger is complete without either party showing their financial books to each other. The books, refers to the total overview of the company. It covers the past, present, and future projections. It also provides the historical gains and losses. The books show every good and bad thing that has ever happened to the company since its inception. Most companies keep these records firmly sealed and monitored by just a handful of supervisors. When a corporation decides to show the books, it can disrupt or solidify a merger.

(Alejandra)

No one wants to go into anything blindly, especially marriage. The more I learned about David, the quicker I knew that he wasn’t like any of my past relationships. It felt convicting to let him in on things that I normally had a hard time sharing with anyone else. I risked it though, because for me, it was crucial to come forward with what I had been through. If this relationship was going to move forward he had to know about my past. I had been sexually molested as a child by more than one person. I had been in various abusive relationships, and my heart was beyond broken. Remembering all these situations brought tears that rushed down my face like Niagara Falls. While telling him, part of me felt fear that he would leave me because he wouldn’t want to deal with all my mess. Another part of me felt shame because I felt I was to blame for the things I went through. These were the lies the enemy told me day after day.

God wants to restore you in His love. Shame is never part of God’s plan for our lives and it shouldn’t be part of yours either. I now understand that God allowed me to go through all these things in order to help others through my testimony and God will do the same with yours.

David’s reaction helped me do this more effortlessly. His compassion allowed me to trust him even more. In reality, it united us instead of drawing us apart. When is the right time to have this conversation with your significant other? I honestly believe the sooner, the better, especially if you feel that your relationship is heading towards matrimony. Was I scared? Of course! He could have said to himself, “Wow this girl has too much baggage” and left me. I would not have blamed him. Getting to this point, for me, took a lot of prayers and seeking God’s guidance through reading the Scriptures. One verse, particularly, helped to lead me towards this decision. Paul writes to the church of Ephesus:

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor…” Ephesians 4:25 (NIV).

In the natural I would not have said anything, but this verse and others like it instructed me to walk in truth. To begin a marriage based on lies and deceit would have been detrimental to our marriage today. My husband would have been married to not only a broken person, but also a liar. Omission is still not being completely truthful; therefore, living a lie. My husband’s reaction was not only a weight lifted off my shoulders, but a testimony of God’s love. The only way we could’ve started this healing journey in our marriage was through truth.

Why Let Me Marry a Broken Spouse? Why me?

(David)

Alejandra’s story left me in awe, and also took a while for me to process. I was thankful for her sincerity, but it left me wondering: What now? What am I supposed to do with that information?  I grew up in church all my life, was in an amazing relationship with God and thought this would grant me an amazing marriage without problems and with my very own happy ending. I had never been intimate with anyone before marriage, and I was as close to a perfect son to both my parents as I could be. I asked myself this question, “God, if I was such a loyal servant to you, how did you let me marry a broken spouse?” I loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her. However, I felt as though her wounds were too much for me to handle. I was angry at God for letting her go through so much, and for most of her hurts, I felt I was completely inadequate to help her get through them.

My self-righteous attitude blinded me from seeing God’s true intent. If you are the significant other to a spouse who has been hurt or broken, and you asked the same question I did, I have the answer. God chose you! He entrusted you with this marriage. There was no one else on Earth good enough to serve your spouse as you are. He was aware that his/her particular hurts and pains needed someone as strong as you! I felt privileged, after knowing this. The fact that God entrusted me to be the healing agent for my spouse’ wounds was amazing. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says,

“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.” (MSG)

If God chose you for this specific assignment, as painful as it may be, He will also provide a way to help you adapt and go through it. This gave me the notion that the possibility of having a successful marriage no matter how broken you or your spouse may be, is at the 100% success rate with God!

(Alejandra)

In this blog we spoke about the broken spouse and the healing spouse. Well I was the person in dire need of someone who would understand me, and my husband David struggled with knowing whether or not he was equipped to deal with my past wounds. For the spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend who is broken, sometimes vulnerability is the first step to finding healing within ourselves and in our relationships. You’ll later discover that the root of most of our problems is the lack of communication and the lack of vulnerability. Now we understand that being vulnerable is a scary step, it was definitely scary for me, but that’s why I prayed about our relationship so much. My fear led me to pray hard for David; that he would have the knowledge and strength to know how to speak and handle me.  God will do the same for you.

Weekly Challenge

I want you to pray about things you might not have told your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. Ask God to tell you what areas of your life you kept hidden from your spouse.  Then ask Him to show you how to reveal them to your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. When you choose to tell them, give him time to process the information, and allow time for God to deal and lead them.

As for the spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend who is on the receiving end of this information, know that God has equipped you before hand to deal with your significant other. Trust Him and remain prayerful. God has a way of turning all things for our Good as Romans 8:28. The key word for both parties is to trust in God even when you cannot understand the entire plan.  Take time to meditate on these verses Proverbs 12:19, Ephesians 4:25, 1 Corinthians 10:13.

If you need additional help or have questions leave a comment below or email us on the side.  We are going to be praying for you

My Shack of A Life

For the last four weeks we have been talking about the power of determination.  The power of determination gives us the drive to get back up and helps drive us to hold on to God until he blesses us.  Determination keeps us committed to those who try to get rid of us, and it helps us remove excuses for giving up on the race of life.  So, the question is, who could ever be more determined than us?

Have you ever hit rock bottom?  I know that when I did it was because I realized I tried to live life without God and it wasn’t possible.  We surrender what we thought we knew about running out life and ask for him to fix what we ultimately broke and miss used.  When we finally get to this place we are, in a sense, giving God a life that was built on a foundation of hurt, self-sufficiency, ego, pride, rejection and more.  We built a world without Him, and we admit that there is no “us” without Him.

It is like trying to build our house and then finding out that all the wood we used for the structure was rotten.  We attempt to repair the parts that are breaking apart, but the more we try to fix it the more issues present themselves.  When we finally exhaust ourselves and realized there is no saving it, we present it to God.

In Luke 14 Jesus talked about the cost of following him as a disciple.  He wanted them to understand what he demanded from them so he compared this decision to a man who was going to build a tower.

²⁸ For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? ²⁹ Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, ³⁰ saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’

Luke 14:28

We are going to look at this a little differently and see the man building the tower as Jesus and the tower represents our lives.  When we come to God with our shack of a life with rotted wood he looks, counts the cost, and evaluates the time needed to repair and complete us.  What is the cost God is willing to pay?

I Corinthians 6:20   ¹⁹ Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Determined to Pay The Price

He knew very well that the cost to restore all of us was not going to be cheap.  Jesus purchased us with His own life when He died on the cross for those who would believe.  So after purchasing us, He sees that there is going to be time needed to invest in restoring us.  God is a determined builder, and once we place our lives into his hands we can be reassured that he is going to make us brand new (2 Timothy 2:19).

However, our years of struggling with our past may convince us that there is nothing He can do with the life we give him.  We question His ability. Nonetheless, there is no one more determined to change our lives than He.

What are some of the challenges you face in putting your life in God’s hands for repairs?  Well I know that for a while I blamed God for where I was.  I blamed him for putting me in this family and watching me get molested, beaten, battered and bruised.  I was in a spiritual, emotional and mental shack because that’s where He put me (so I thought).  When God was pulling at my heart, I was accusing God.  I wanted nothing to do with a God who place me here.

When I hit rock bottom I realized that it wasn’t God that put me there but the choices my parents and grandparents made.  He didn’t want me there—he wanted me out.

How do you resolve your blame to God?  How can you trust someone who places you in a horrible situation just so you would need Him?  My friend, I learned something very difficult and painful. It was never God’s intention for any of us to live the wretched lives we experienced.  It was never God’s intention to allow loss, grief, pain, abuse, abandonment and anxiety to rule us.  Some of these afflictions are a direct result of choices made-maybe not by you but ultimately a decision made by someone.  Those people who came before us made choices that caused us to be in the cross fire of their consequences.

Imagine this. I want to build a bridge, but don’t have any idea how to do so.  The man who created the foundation for the first bridge comes by and tries to help, but I silence him and tell him to mind his business.  I continue to keep building it.  It is unstable, broken in some spots and wobbly . However, I make it to the other side.  I walk across it a few times and then invite others to cross over it.  Eventually, the bridge collapses; some are injured and lives are lost.  How foolish is it for me (and those who got hurt) to turn to the man who could have built the bridge and say, “This is your fault because you should have stopped us.  You knew it was built wrong, but just watched.”  We (parents and grandparents included) create a world completely void of God and we wonder why He doesn’t intervene in the crumbling foundation of our lives and our children’s lives.

Determined to Finish

There is another reason we struggle with giving God our lives to fix. We think it’s too messed up to be fixed.  When God gets into the root of our dysfunction we are ashamed of the cracks and the holes.  Look at Philippians 1:6

⁶ I am convinced and confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will [continue to] perfect and complete it until the day of Christ Jesus [the time of His return].

I came to God a: foul-mouthed, nasty, insecure, depressed, suicidal, violent, lustful, mean-spirited, self-destructive, abusive girl. God transformed me little by little.  Over time He dealt with my hang-ups, habits and hurts.  I needed to just trust that when He started working on me, He would not forget me or leave me when it got really ugly.  I needed to know that He was going to be determined to transform me to the woman He originally planned for me to be.

I have the privilege of mentoring different people and there are a few things that discourage them while God is rebuilding them.  Changing takes time.  Just when they thought they overcame certain things they see that they have a long way to go.  It can sometimes feel like renovations on our attitude and thoughts will never end as one issue after issue seems to come up.  There may be a temptation to believe that we can’t change, or that this is just who we are and even that God made us this way so we better just give up.

What gives me comfort is that my transformation was not dependent on my determination, but God’s.  He never left me in the state I was in and He won’t leave you there either because, not only is he passionate for us to have an intimate relationship with him, but God is not a God that will be mocked.  In Luke 14:29 it says that those that viewed the structure that was started but was not finished, mocked the builder because he began something he could not complete.  You can be reassured that if God has started a good work in you He is determined to finish it.

Weekly Challenge:

As we allow God to reconstruct us we have to do our part.  Read Psalms 51 and admit the things that have to be removed for you to have a clean heart.  Also if you would like to hear more about my testimony read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free!
You can also buy the full book on Amazon!  For help in pursuing the life that God has for you try reading “In the Pit With A Lion on a Snowy Day”  by Mark Batterson.

Follow us on Facebook and Instagram @throughthewinters.com

Losing To Grandma

How do you finish strong in this race called life without giving up or being discouraged?  Well I was able to get a better handle on running races when three years ago my two best friends and I decided that we would throw caution to the wind and sign up for a 5K color run.  Now the whole idea of signing up online and paying a fee for hundreds of people to see me come last was ,but I did it anyway.   I thought to myself, “Well if I run faster than at least one of my friends I wouldn’t be technically last.”   Don’t tell them I said that.

In the end, the experience was memorable because none of us had ever done a color run before, let alone run a 5K.  There were people of all ages there, teenagers, kids, babies in strollers and grandmothers that should have been home knitting a very ugly sweater.  I personally sized up those around me and thought “I got this.”  All I had to do was keep up the pace I had on the gym treadmill and follow the instructions from the “Couch to 5K app”. To my calculations my friends and I should be one of the top 10 to come in, right?

The three of us started strong as we made sure to pace ourselves and rotate from running to walking.  We quickly realized that running on a treadmill in an air conditioned gym is totally different then running in 80 degree weather where the air sucks all the moisture out of your eyes, nose and throat with every breathe.  After running for two minutes I was wondering where the finish line was?  I felt like I had already ran a good 10 miles, but that couldn’t be because the starting point was still a few feet away from me.  With my friends by my side we talked a little to pass the time.

Behind us was the granny that I assumed mistook the 5K run application for mug making; she was behind us keeping a nice stride.  We looked at her with a little pity as she worked her way into view with her light strides.  We talked about her determination and how strong she was to attempt this.  We soon realized that this granny must have been a distant relative to Usain Bolt— one of the greatest Olympic sprinter in history.  Within a few minutes she caught up to us and slowly began running ahead and away from us.  When I realized what had just happened , I increased my speed because I was not losing to someone’s great grandmother.   I totally underestimated her stride as she slowly disappeared into the crowd of runners in front of us.  It was then that I decided to let her go and at least beat the lady pushing a baby in a stroller who was also running with her two other kids—that was a more decent goal to reach.

I’m happy to say that I didn’t come in last, but I am sad to say that the lady with the kids made it across the finish line with all her kids and was having lunch with the granny by the time we came through the finish line.

The Race to The Pool

There is a man in the Bible who wasn’t necessarily running a marathon, but nonetheless was running for something without having any strength in his legs.  This man’s story is found in the Gospel of John chapter 5.  He was lame (unable to walk) and seemed to have made his home at a small body of water called the Pool of Bethesda.  Now scripture says that he was lame for over 38 years, we are not given the time table of how long he knelt by the Pool.  Some people mistaken the amount of years he was lame to the same amount of time he was there; which is not true. Nonetheless, he had to have been there for a significant amount of time though because when Jesus comes on the scene, the first question he asked the man is a little perplexing.

“Do you want to be healed?” – John 5:7

The question makes very little sense when you first read it because the lame man was not the Pool of Bethesda’s only occupant.  In fact there were others who occupied the area who, like the man in our story, were crippled and/or had some type of sickness or handicap.  People came to the Pool for healing.  Scripture says that people came here because occasionally an angel would appear and it would stir the waters of the Pool and whichever lame, crippled, or sick person that reached the water first would be healed instantly.

Once Jesus asked this question, the man made excuses for not being healed almost as if he was use to explaining his dilemma.  So the obvious answer would be that this man really was interested in getting some kind of healing, but he could not make it to the water in time to be healed.  In verse 7 he says …

“Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.”

But Jesus wasn’t looking at the man’s physical state, more over that He was looking at the man’s determination to win this race to the Pool.

Is there a part of your life that you need God to heal?  Maybe you are lame and/or cripple whether it be in your thinking, your perspective of life or even your view of yourself and you know that something has to change.  Are you at the starting line but see obstacles that makes you wonder if you should even run?  Are your shortcomings being used as excuses by you as to why you can’t go after what you seek?  Do your doubts make your desires seem completely impossible?  Are you watching others around you receive what you are racing for?  Are they living the life of healing that you are going after?  Well let’s look at the question Jesus asked that man one more time.

Really??

“Do you want to be healed?”  Now if I add one word to this question it changes everything and may even be a little offensive.  “Do you really want to be healed?”  Was Jesus saying that?  It is very possible because after the man’s excuse for not having anyone to take him in the pool and someone getting to it before him, Jesus says…

“Get up, take up your bed, and walk.”

To me, his response to the lame man was not one of sympathy or understanding.  It’s almost like a teenager who slacks off all year and then tries to explain why they got a failing grade.  The parent hears the excuse, but doesn’t buy it for one second.   Jesus didn’t buy this man’s excuse and Jesus doesn’t buy ours either.  There are many of us who find ourselves in bad situations that we have caused to happen.  Our own bad behavior brought us to a crippling state and in order to get better it will require complete determination to get us out.  Our bad actions can ruin relationships with friends and love ones.  They bring calamity and discord where ever we go and still we make excuses for why we can’t repair them or why things won’t improve.

Like the lame man, are you in a place where many where “lame and crippled” come, therefore you think that your situation is so bad that you’ll never overcome those circumstances.  You see others around you getting what you want, but instead of you digging your cleats in, you make excuses as to why you are the way you are.  This man made a bed in his circumstance and you have to make sure that you don’t make a bed right next to your handicap state.

Now some may be thinking, well Marsha how do we know that that man got himself in that situation.    How do we not know that he was a victim?  Well later on in the chapter, it says that Jesus saw him later on that day after he was healed and gave him a warning…

¹⁴ Afterward Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, “See, you are well!  Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you.”

Jesus confirms that the man did something that got him there in the first place and if he didn’t stop something worse was going to come on him.

The life we live is like a race that we run with the power of determination.  In this life we must be honest about the things we have done that have resulted in us  being detoured or stranded.  In addition, we have to be willing to take a step back and see if our reason for staying where we are is just an excuse and/or if we have settled.  Have we told ourselves what we think we need to hear to justify where we are and mixed a little bit of truth with a lie to feel better?

The Apostle Paul said it right when he was at the end of his life in 1 Timothy 4:7,8…

⁷ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ⁸ Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.

What are the three main things needed in order to fight the good fight and finish the race?

1. Accept the struggle and quit complaining. We spend more time complaining about where we are than figuring out the strategy to get out and succeed.  Stay focus on the real issue so that you can preserve your energy for the race.
2. Stop making excuses. The excuses we make just show us that we are not learning from our mistakes.  If we can make an excuse for why we aren’t doing our best, then we will make an excuse for why we should quit.
3. Don’t make a bed in a place of lameness. We must not allow ourselves to get comfortable with the broken parts of us.  Don’t get use to where you are; don’t convince yourself to settle.

Weekly Challenge:

In this week take sometime to see if there is an area that you may feel crippled in: relationships, your perspective, your self-image. Be honest as to what part you play in being where you are and what excuses you have made to stay where you are.