Unexpected Friendship

How do you stay committed to someone who doesn’t want you?   Can a relationship last one’s need to be left alone when in a painful storm of life?  I have a friend who is closer to me than anyone has ever been, after my husband.   Almost 11 years ago, Sam took on a job at our current church as the youth pastor.  In that time, we met a young lady by the name of Elizabeth (Liz for short).  From the very beginning we had a connection, but she was a youth and I was 11 years older than her.

Our relationship quickly got tested when I was willing to challenge her sassy attitude, quick anger and growing temper.  Liz had a lot of her own issues to work through and my “in your face” methods left her uncomfortable and exposed.  She didn’t like my approach, but quickly found my ways to be the very thing she needed in order to help her deal with her feelings of rejection and loneliness.

After a few years of her going through some “God” moments, Liz was changed forever.  She had some residue of her old self, but who doesn’t.  Strangely, the unexpected happened.  My relationship with Liz changed in a way that I did not see coming.  I was facing a time of loneliness also because I was away from my friends back home and I had not opened myself to friendships from those in my current church.  I had shut myself out from everyone, but still I let Liz in to minister to her.

One day, out of nowhere, Liz and I started talking about the subject of friendship and she openly said that she wanted to be my friend and I did the very thing I was trying to help her get over, I rejected her.  I pretty much laughed at her.  Still, through her hurt, Liz made it her inner mission to be my friend and now it was my time to reject her.  I made subtle remarks to make sure she didn’t get too close, but Liz would ignore those remarks and push through a little more.  No matter how much I kept her at arm’s length, she just opened up my arms and embraced me.  She put her own hurt aside and looked past my own resistance and was committed to being there for me as I was for her—not for what she could get out of it, but for who she could be for me.

First Widows Club

In the book of Ruth, there is a friendship that trumps mine by a mile and half.   You can find the complete story in the book of Ruth, chapters 1-4.  A woman, by the name of Naomi, leaves her home in Bethlehem because there is a famine that hits the land and so her family goes to another.  Along with Naomi are her husband and 2 sons.  They settle and not too much later, Naomi’s husband passes away.

Naomi and her two boys bounce back and the sons get married to two Moabite women, Orpah and Ruth, so the 5 of them lived as a family.  To everyone’s surprise both son’s become sick and pass away as well.  It is possible that the sons died quickly after marriage because there wasn’t any time for either wife to get pregnant.

Naomi and her husband originally left their home of famine for a better life just to be met with death and despair.  This home soon became a house of three broken widows.  How long could they stay there?  In those days, women were not able to work.  If her husband died, her sons took care of her.  In a clean swoop, all three women lost everything.  It’s possible they didn’t stay too long before Naomi decided that the best thing to do was to go back to her home in Bethlehem.  She would rather face famine than live in the place of death.

So they start on this journey to Naomi’s hometown.  What was she thinking as she was traveling back home?  She left with her husband and two children with hopes for a better life and was now returning with two women from another land, no husband and not one son.  Naomi’s heart was shattered and she knew there was nothing better waiting for her in Bethlehem.  It would be selfish to drag these poor young girls with her.  She was in a hopeless situation, but her daughter-in-laws didn’t have to live that life.   Ruth 1:11 says,

     “Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands? ¹² Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons— ¹³ would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters, it is more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me!”

Hopeless Commitment

She knew she had nothing to offer them, and to keep them on this hopeless journey was selfish.  Naomi was in a place of confusion, bitterness and shame.  She wanted to spare them that road.  The Bible said that they wept and cried just before one of her daughter-in-laws realized that Naomi was right.  They exchanged hugs and Orpah started her own journey back home.  Only Ruth was left.  I truly don’t know if Orpah’s departure gave Naomi a release or confirmation that they were just with her in hopes that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, but then she turns to Ruth and says,

¹⁵ “Look,” said Naomi, “your sister-in-law is going back to her people and her gods. Go back with her.”

Naomi was giving her the room she needed to leave without guilt.  Do you have someone in your life who keeps trying to get rid of you because they think they are no good for you?  Naomi felt there was no hope. Is there someone who is trying to convince you that his path is hopeless so move on?  How do you handle that?

Are you like Orpah and the cost of friendship or relationship with this person just seems like poverty, lack, death and emptiness ahead; this road is too hard?  Do you see a better road for yourself so you leave to pursue something more rewarding? Or are you like Ruth who says,

“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. ¹⁷ Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

These very words are what I used in my vows to Sam and I know others have done the same.  They are strong, binding words and it takes a committed heart to fulfill these vows.    Ruth is promising that she will make Naomi’s journey her journey, she will make Naomi’s family her family, she will even leave her god to serve Naomi’s God.  Then Ruth goes on to say she will die where Naomi does and Ruth wants her body to be placed with hers.  Basically, nothing but death is going to separate her from her mother-in-law.

Are you that committed to those who make it easier for you to go then for you to stay?  Can you leave behind the comfort of your own journey to walk someone’s unforeseen path?  This story did not end with two poverty stricken women ending their days in some alley somewhere clinging to life.  On the contrary, Ruth’s determination to stay with Naomi was what gave Naomi hope where there seemed to be none.

The Reward of Commitment

Commitment keeps hope in a hopeless situation.  Ruth did not sit back and let death and famine over take them.  She waited for the opportunity to take them off this road of despair. (Ruth Chapter 2)

Commitment changes the ending of the story.  Because of her dedication, God sent a very rich man named Boaz who took notice of her.  The story ends with Ruth marrying Boaz who was in Naomi’s husband’s family.  This perfect union resulted in Naomi receiving an inheritance that she lost due to the death of her husband.  (Ruth Chapter 4)

People remember you a little longer when you are committed.  Ruth’s son played a big part in the Bible. Her son, Obed, was the grandfather of King David.   No one would really blame Orpah for leaving, but what would have happened if she had stayed?  No one heard anything from her after that, but it was Ruth who got a book in the Bible.  It was Ruth who becomes the great, great, great, great…grandmother of Jesus Christ.

Weekly Challenge:

Being committed can look like a lot of things.  I wanted to challenge you to look at this scripture where it encourages the reader to commit their ways to God (Psalms 37:5,6).  We need to be committed to God’s ways, leaving behind our lives and not allowing anything or anyone to turn us away from God.  Can anything convince you to leave God even if the ways of God seem hopeless?  Will you be like Orpah and see the challenges and walk away or will you be like Ruth and be committed no matter what obstacles are standing in your way?

If you need a book that would help you see life in a different perspective, check out the book, “In the Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day” by Mark Batterson.  You can find the link on our  homepage.

If you are struggling with some things please let us help you?  Comment below or email us on the side.  We welcome discussions. Also, follow us on Facebook and Instagram@throughthewinters

He Just Won’t Quit!

Have you ever met a person who would never give up?  Do you know someone where “determination” was their middle name and it annoyed the daylights out of you?  Some people just don’t know when to throw in the towel; they’re beat, they’re never going to achieve what they are after, but yet they just won’t give up.  As much as this characteristic can be ever so annoying, it can also be the thing that God loves about a person.  The art of determination is lost in a world of instant gratification.

I find the greatest inspiration to be those underdogs that should be knocked out of the race, but they refuse to give up.  One of my favorite superheroes now is Captain America (Steve Rogers) played by Chris Evans.  In the beginning of the movie, they portray him as a wimpy scrawny kid who was turned down time and time again from joining the army.  He enlisted and reenlisted, but nothing changed.  There was one scene where the government took him along with a bunch of other guys to see which one they were going to make into their super soldier.

The most inspiring scene for me, is when the drill sergeant challenged the recruits to get a flag off of a long pole—if they succeeded then they could ride back and didn’t have to run back to the barracks.  While everyone else thought of climbing the pole, Steve Rogers just pulled the pin on the base of the pole to release it so it could fall on the ground.  Everyone was dumbfounded as he unties the flag and nonchalantly hands it to the drill sergeants.   His heart found joy in riding back proving that there was more to him than what they saw.

Wrestling in The Dark

There was one man in the Bible who was known for not knowing when to give up either.  I have spoken about him before. His name is Jacob and you can find his whole story in Genesis 25-50.  Jacob was a man who was so focused on receiving the blessing of God in every way that he was willing to cheat, betray, lie, connive and wrestle his way to get what God had for him.

The part of his story I want to focus on is found in chapter 32.  There came a point in Jacob’s life when he knew that things needed to change and so did God.  Jacob was about to face his twin brother Esau for the first time in over 20 years.  The last time they saw each other he pretended to be Esau so that their blind father would bless Jacob instead of Esau.   He cheated Esau out of his blessing and he swindled him out of his birth right.  His brother promised to kill him when he got the chance and now Jacob was going to face him for the first time since then.  Before he would face his brother, Jacob was headed to a fight that he would never forget.

It was late one night when Jacob was alone that a man came behind him and started wrestling with him—out of nowhere!!  In Genesis 32:24

I have said it before, that the simplicity of an explanation can easily make the reader go over the struggle trying to be conveyed.  The wrestling between these two men was not a few minutes, but hours because it says they wrestled till daybreak.  Have you ever fought someone physically for hours?  Jacob did and was, surprisingly, winning.  This man could not over take Jacob.

²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him (Jacob), he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.

Read that again, the man was not able to overpower Jacob so he cheated and sprained the part of his leg where the thigh bone is inserted.  The fight did not end because Jacob was now crippled.  Jacob continued to wrestle this man in his painful state.

The Man That Just Won’t Quit

Look at what the man says next,

²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

The fight started out with the man attacking Jacob!! Now he wanted out??  Hours later the man is begging to be let go in the next verse.  Jacob responds,

“I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

Now let me tell you some things that I may not have said before.  The man with whom Jacob is wrestling is not just any man.  The Bible says that this was an angel of the Lord.  Now there is no way that God is being overpowered, truthfully, by a man. Nonetheless, God chooses to take on the strength of a normal human being for this wrestling match.

The second thing is that Jacob is over 100 years old in this scene.  YES 100!!  Are you as shocked as I am?  In 90% of the pictures of this iconic fight they have Jacob muscular and young, but sadly he was an old wrinkled man with a determination that could never be properly replicated by any mere photo.

Jacob asks for a blessing, but what the Angel asks next is interesting,

²⁷ The man asked him, “What is your name?”

Jacob’s name was very important.  His name translated: swindler, heel grabber.  He was everything his name said.  The next verse was life changing.

 ²⁸ Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

With his determination you would think that God would give him a long life, wealth or even protection from his enemies.  Instead, God gives him a brand new name?  Was this an even trade?  Absolutely!!  There is so much that we can learn from Jacob’s story.  Remember, his former name meant, supplanter, heel grabber and swindler.  For over 100 years whenever he was called they would say, “Swindler, Swindler come here.”  It wasn’t just his name. He lived up to it.  God knew that there was nothing he needed more than an identity change.

This swindler’s determination can teach us 5 things:

1. It is never too late to start over.
   1. Don’t think that God is intimidated by your age. He knows the inner strength in you; it’s not too late to start over, but there has to come a time when you make up in your mind not to allow your past to dictate your next move.
2. What you want from God may come when you least expect it.
   1. Jacob spent 100 years trying to manipulate God to bless him. He thought it was from the acceptance of his parents, the blessings of man, possessions and wealth.  Unfortunately, he was still gathering all of that over time and was still fighting for the real blessing.  What he was looking for didn’t come until he was alone and his guard was down.
3. Your biggest struggle may be with God.
   1. Sometimes we are so quick to blame others when struggles come up. However, there are some battles that come directly from God.  God will choose to take a weaker state to test our true determination.
4. Will you keep fighting even when God himself cripples you?
   1. Sometimes God will purposely take away the thing you need to win the fight, in order to see if your strength is in that thing, or in your relentless pursuit for change. Some people are strong as long as certain people are around, or as long as certain people are in my corner, or that they have the funds to do what they are fighting for.  But what happens when God touches it and leaves you crippled?  Will you still hold on to God?
5. God knows what your real blessing needs to be.
   1. What does God’s blessing really look like for you? Are you limiting your blessing to something that will fade away in time?  Are you looking for something that will make you happy, but will forget about after a day or two?  Or is you blessing bigger than you?  God’s blessing is bigger than what we could ever ask and hope for.  So whatever you think is a blessing will always be, at least, one step under God’s.  When his blessing does come it may not look like what you want, but it will be a legacy that will be spoken about for generations to come.  The nation of Israel continues to be a people that can never be snuffed out no matter what the challenges come to them.  That stems from the relentless, determination and perseverance of their father.

Weekly Challenge:

What are you fighting for that you won’t give up on?  It could be a relationship, maybe be for a healthy family, or even a healthy you.  Are you determined to never give up or are you one that would tap out when it gets to hard?  There is no way you can enter change without a fight.  Take out a journal and write out the thing/s that you are looking for.  Write about your fight and make some promises of never giving up.  Take some time to read Psalms 112:6-8.  God wants his people to be unmovable.  When things get too hard, you can trust in God to give you the strength to stand strong.

Also one of the most inspiring books that I have read is a book called, “In the Pit With A Lion On a Snowy Day” by Mark Batterson.  This book will give you the added kick you need to sink your heels into your dreams and aspirations.  If you are interested then go to our homepage for the link.

Start a conversation or email us on the side for added support.  We want to hear from you.  Please follow us on Facebook or instagram @throughthewinters

When We Fall…

A few years ago I was talking to one of my young adults who was  going through some hard times.  She couldn’t understand how to overcome and conquer a huge issue she had.  She had gone to visit a Christian School she was thinking of attending.  During her visit there, a speaker addressed something to those in attendance that she believed was awesome.  He had said to his audience that in the seasons of life when they need a break through, God doesn’t need them to do anything and that He will cause them to rise.  He used Proverbs 24:16 to support his theory where it says,

“for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again,
but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.”

As she talked to me about how she was encouraged by his message and that in her struggle she needed to do nothing, I had to correct her point of view in the matter.  I pointed out to her the intention in the text; the righteous one is not just sitting.  He or she “is” active during these moments of life.  The righteous one has to do something and it’s something easier said than done.  He or she has to…keep getting up every time they are knocked down.

How important is it to be so determined to get up after so many falls?  There is a woman in the Bible whose experience displays a perfect example of how the refusal to stay down brings about the healing needed in a very hopeless season of life.  As we go through this heartbreaking story I want us to look at how this woman got up every time she was knocked down.  She realized that the only way for her to get her breakthrough would be to go against the world view and instead follow her heart.

This woman’s experience is recorded in three of the four Gospels of the New Testament.  The books of Matthew, Mark and Luke share a handful of events which occurred during Jesus’ ministry; the woman with the issue of blood is one of them.  Her story is covered specifically in Matthew 9:18-22, Mark 5:21-34 and Luke 8:40-48.  I will use all three accounts to better give you a better perspective of her story.

A Cycle of Disappointment

There was a woman whose menstrual cycle continued for 12 years non-stop (sorry men.  Stay with me).  While most women only have theirs for about 7 days she bled constantly with no relief.  For these 12 years she paid doctors in hopes that they would give her something that would stop the blood.  Sadly, nothing worked.  Now please understand that this woman’s condition was not treated the same as it would be in today’s time.  Her condition made her, according to her culture, unclean.  In that time, when a woman was on her cycle, she needed to be isolated and was not allowed to touch people, or they would be considered unclean as well.  She was not allowed to be with anyone until her time of the month was complete.  She couldn’t go to places of worship like others and could not sit on anything without it being marked as unclean—chair, bed, stool etc.  She was totally isolated from people except from her occasional doctor visit.  Since this woman was battling her condition for 12 years, it’s possible that she was not married or that her husband was no longer around.  Also, this means that she had no children within these years.   If she had any before her condition she would not have been allowed around them.  So her condition was not just a physical thing, but a social issue as well.

The story really starts for us when we read that she has used up all her money on doctors and remedies and knows that all hope of her getting healed through them was gone.  She was going to die, and she knew it.  She would die alone, penniless, husbandless and childless.  She couldn’t live like this one more day.  The Bible says in Luke 8:40 that “Jesus was returning.”   This was not her first chance to go to him, but for whatever the reason, when He came the last time her determination to see him wasn’t great enough.  Maybe there was a chance that she was going to get better so she probably thought: why push through that crowd when the doctors reassured me that the medicine could work?  This time though, she had to do something.  Her last resort came when she heard the commotion not too far away and a crowd gathering.   She came to the conclusion that maybe if she could just touch the hem of His robe it would be enough to do something.

The very idea of her attempting this act would put everyone at risk.  All around her would be considered unclean, even Jesus.  The question remained, how would she even get close to Jesus with that mob surrounding him?  The crowd had formed around Him because he was going to help someone else. The only thing that was going to get her to Jesus was her determination.  It did not matter what her body was saying, how many people were in the crowd, or what society said was her place.  The possible repercussion of going into the crowd did not matter to her anymore.  She was going to fight for her healing.

Look at Luke 8: 43 and 44

 ⁴³ And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians, she could not be healed by anyone. ⁴⁴ She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased.  

Don’t Miss The Struggle

We can miss the struggle that this woman went through just because of the simplicity of the explanation.  This crowd was so intense that Luke 8:19 says that his family could not get to him due to the intensity of the crowd.    In fact, by the time the woman with the issue of blood tried to reach Him the crowd became more massive because it says in verse 42,

“…As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him.”

So please do not underestimate the power of this crowd.  This woman in her weak, drained, frail state pushed her way from the back of the crowd to the front where Jesus was.   I remember when I was at a youth convention and very pregnant with my first daughter.   I was trying to go to my seat while the teens were running to the front for worship. They didn’t care about who was in front of them.  They were pushing me and elbowing me just so that they could reach the front.  It wasn’t until I had to push them back aggressively to avoid getting injured that they finally moved out of my way.  I can’t say that I didn’t injure one of them, but I was not about to be trampled and risk hurting my baby.

Crowds are not thoughtful.  They will elbow, trample, punch and kick you to follow the group.  In a crowd there can be no real leader and no one takes the blame for anything.  Sometimes it’s not even their fault—you just get trapped among them and have no choice but to follow.  It is an understatement to say that this woman was stepped on, kicked and most of all knocked down especially in her weakened condition.  I wonder what her thoughts were as she may have tried her first time to get through and was knocked down.  Was she on the floor watching the crowd walk away before she got up to try again?  Did she wonder to herself, “Can I really do this?  This is impossible?  Should I keep going?”

She got up and got up and got up and got up and got up until her last fall placed her at the hem of Jesus’ garment, which was at his feet, right where she needed to be.    It was this woman’s determination not to stay down when kicked and stepped on that caused Jesus to stop walking and ask, “Who touched me?”  His disciples, looked and said to Him in response,

“You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ” Mark 5:31

The question was ridiculous. Yet Jesus was not talking about touch as in physical, but a spiritual touch.  This woman never put her hands on Him, but on His hem.  Spiritually she touched Jesus’ heart.  Her determination, her fight, her perseverance, her unwillingness to not stay down made the heavens stop and made a crowd stand still.

A righteous man falls 7 times, but the truth is that they must rise to the occasion 8 times.  There are times when God is just asking us to get back up.  This woman had the issue of blood, but what is your issue?  Are you in a place where you feel like you are desperate for some change and you can’t go one more day like this?  Have you been going through the motions, depending on your money and others to get you through this season of your life and nothing is getting better?  Well it’s time to go against what everyone tells you and go after Jesus.  However, before you do, know that it won’t be easy.  Your fight may start at a moment you are already tired and drained from being beaten up and knocked down in life.  Sadly, this woman had to get to the end of herself and money in order to follow after Jesus and maybe God is waiting for you to be drained and tired of those fruitless things you keep relying on as well.
Here are few things that can help you stay focused:

1. You will have to press pass the pain to get what you want.
2. Just because others seem to be closer to God physically it doesn’t mean they are touching his heart. Don’t let other people’s position with God discourage you from pressing in closer to Him yourself.
3. It is your true faith that will bring healing to your situation. When Jesus looked at the woman he said,

“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34

Sometimes, the very thing you need that shows you who you are and gets you to be who you need to be already exist inside you and your struggle is what God uses to bring it to the surface.  But, it will always require a determination to get back up again.

Weekly Challenge:

I think it would be nice to journal thoughts this week.  What are somethings that you need to be determined about?  Take this week and think about that you need to change and what that is going to take.  What are the things you have to let go off that is giving you false hope?  Write these things down and start looking for some scriptures that back up what you are aiming for.

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Hey everyone.  It has been an honor and blessing to share with you this past month some of my experiences and views about fathers.  I hope you enjoyed reading them and likewise that they were helpful to you.  Writing these blogs is not as easy as it may appear.  We spend a lot of time making sure that we do our best to stay on topic and keep each blog relevant to those who are our audience.  With that said, I want to have this last “Fathers” blog on the topic of being an Active Father.  Now there is no way one blog can cover it all, but I believe that we can highlight a few areas to at least get us on the right foot.  Now LADIES before you tune out, just hold on for a bit.  The things I want to go over can be useful for you as well and may help in providing some insight.

The Active Father is…

First, let’s make clear by what I mean by “Active Father.”  The Active Father is one who makes himself present to his children.  He sets a positive example for his children to follow and allows for his mistakes to be known.  He teaches and guides, is stern, but loving and makes time to hear his children’s concerns and thoughts.

The late Dr. Edwin Louis Cole was a man called by God to minister to men.  I did not have the honor of meeting him myself, however I have been blessed to know and meet a few of those he has mentored.  They all hold Dr. Cole in high regard and attribute their ministries and lifestyles to his example and teachings.  One of Dr. Cole’s students has even developed a very strong Men’s Ministry that is geared towards helping local churches strengthen their own Men’s Ministries.  The Men’s Discipleship Network (MDN) has begun to help change the way many men’s ministries in New York conduct and operate their meetings.  Spreading now to different parts of the U.S., MDN has made it their mission to help the Church of God develop within their men Biblical Manhood.

In his book, Maximized Manhood, Dr. Cole shares several points of what a Christ centered man is to look like, and what men must do in order to achieve these things.  In his 12^th chapter, Dr. Cole focuses on fathering and makes a statement that I’d like to expound on.  He says, “fathering is a comprehensive task…” and that it requires “…thinking, studying, monitoring, recommending, influencing, and loving.” In other words, to be a father the man must fully understand and grasp that he has a “task” in this role that requires him do work that will challenge his way of thinking, his point of views, his judgment, behavior and heart.  I totally agree with him. These are all things that I am challenged with every time I have a discussion or any time I need to address something with one of my own children.

They Are Watching You

Being a father is not just providing for my family physically, it requires an emotional and mental involvement as well.  These are the things that don’t normally come easy for a guy, but man, it is so important.  I’ve learned that it is not enough to just do for my kids, but that it is even more important that they know why I do what I do.  For example, why do believe in God, or why I treat mom the way that I do; why do I like Star Wars, or why I enjoy Fruity Pebbles?  From the simple and easy, to the more complex and personal, my children better understand who I am.  I allow myself to be transparent to them.  Likewise, it is important that they see me do and act upon the things I say; that I keep my promises, to the best of my ability, and that I practice what I preach to them and the congregation.  Not an easy job to do.  In fact, from my point of view, it is a job that is even harder to do without having a personal relationship with God.

In order to be an Active Father, the ways in which I take care of myself and conduct my affairs, is important not just for my sake, but for that of my family and those I influence as well.  I used to tell my older teen boys in youth group that like it or not, the younger ones are looking at them and what they do.  I would say, “You can say that this is not your problem because you didn’t tell them to copy what you do, however they are looking and following what you guys do whether you want them to or not.  You guys have a decision to make here because the choices you make will not only affect you, but it will also affect them.”   Many dads do a real good job of telling their kids what to do and what not to do.  Not so many do as well in showing them how by their example.  One of the stats I’ve seen over and over again through my many years of doing youth ministry was that, one of the main reasons why 4 out of 5 kids drop out of church is that they see a disconnect in their father’s faith if they see any faith in them at all.

¹ My people, hear my teaching;
listen to the words of my mouth.
² I will open my mouth with a parable;
I will utter hidden things, things from of old—
³ things we have heard and known,
things our ancestors have told us.
⁴ We will not hide them from their descendants;
we will tell the next generation
the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord,
his power, and the wonders he has done.
⁵ He decreed statutes for Jacob
and established the law in Israel,
which he commanded our ancestors
to teach their children,
⁶ so the next generation would know them,
even the children yet to be born,
and they in turn would tell their children.
⁷ Then they would put their trust in God
and would not forget his deeds
but would keep his commands.
⁸ They would not be like their ancestors—
a stubborn and rebellious generation,
whose hearts were not loyal to God,
whose spirits were not faithful to him.

Psalm 78:1-8

The Psalmist is saying that if we don’t place the teachings of God as a priority in the raising of our children they will not know how to turn to Him when they face trouble in this world.  This is why we need to be very careful not to make other things in this world seem more important than church attendance and involvement due to the fact that they will grow to not see the relevance of church at all.

The Curse of Today

I truly believe Dr. Cole’s words when he says, “The absentee father is the curse of our day.”  The Absentee Father is the opposite of the Active Father.  An Absentee Father can be living right in the home, but he is absent in playing his part in a child’s growth.  God designed that the roles of the father and mother be each critical to the upbringing of children.  With supposedly 60% of our homes having absentee fathers, the role of both father and mother has fallen, unfairly, on many women to uphold.  The death of my father made it hard for my mom to raise her three boys.  Thank God for the men who stepped in and did what they could to help us grow up to be men.

Men, do not allow yourselves to be absentees.  As men, we are called to play a role in the lives of the young that cannot be done by the women alone.  We have a responsibility to be involved and become active in the lives of the generations below us.  God has called men to be protectors and providers in more than just a physical sense.   If you haven’t already, allow God to help you know what it means to be His child.

Weekly Challenge:

In these 4 weeks I have talked about my father who was a godly man who left an impact on the lives of many who are still living to this day.  I was honest about my fear of not being good enough for my kids when it was my turn to father without having any real guidance.  I shared my insight on the revelation that fatherhood was really servanthood, but the truth remains that without God I could not do anything.  I could read as many books, go to as many fathering seminars, listen to self help teachings and still screw up my kids.  If I had not surrendered my life to Jesus Christ I would be a man with a lot of knowledge and no results.

I don’t want to end my time with you without asking you have you given your life over to Jesus Christ?  Did I convince you of that this month, Dads?  If I have, and you want more help in this new step, I would love to connect with you and pray with you personally.  All you have to do is send me an email and I’ll connect with you, talk with you and pray with you or you can get connected with a local church and take the steps there as well.

If you aren’t already, follow us on Facebook and Instagram @throughthewinters.

Hey everyone Samuel here again.  We are taking on the topic of Fathers this month.  First, I want to say HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all the dads out there!!!  Second, if you haven’t noticed on our website, I chose as a recommended book to read on the topic of Fathers “Be A Better Dad Today”, by Gregory W. Slayton.  In this book, Slayton first talks about the importance of fathering, then spends the rest of the book going through, what he calls, “The Ten Tools of Fatherhood”.   I strongly recommend that you dads and granddads get this book and include it as a resource on developing your life as a father.  It is also a very great read for husbands with no children as well, because it also discusses the importance of the relationship between husband and wife.

Empowering Servant Leadership

            What does it take to be a father dedicated to being a servant leader?  I would like to touch on a chapter of the book titled, “Empowering Servant Leadership”.  The sub-text of this chapter reads, “Empowering your family by putting their needs above your own will yield rich benefits today… and for generations to come.  This is the essence of fatherhood.”  Sacrificing your desires and wants can be a very difficult thing.   It takes courage and willingness, to lose something that might matter dearly to you.  Sacrificial love is a must for any dad who wishes to become a good father.  I share the same opinion as Slayton, when he says that “Jesus is the perfect example of an empowering servant leader.”  Whether you are a believer who lives your life in truth that He was the son of God or not, the lessons Jesus taught His followers about life is to be commended.

History, both from and outside of scripture, records that the men Jesus taught changed their lives. They dedicated themselves to impacting the lives of others for the gospel.  They dedicated their lives to the example Jesus laid out for them from both His words and actions.  He took a handful of men that history would have otherwise overlooked, and made them leaders among leaders.

What is the True Calling of a Dad

A Servant Leader:  One who is willing to lead others by example, not just by words.  He is ready to put his own safety on the line for those who have been entrusted to his care.  He is willing to sacrifice his comfort, logic, and even his life in order to provide a better chance for others to succeed.

Sounds like Jesus to me.  In fact, He told His disciples once that if they wanted the true responsibility of leadership they needed to recognize what that meant.  They needed to know that it was not something that will come easy and that even with all He possessed His leadership came with a price.

The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His life, a ransom for many.             – Matt. 20:28

And likewise is the call of a father.  Our families need to know that the priorities of the whole matter more to us than that of our own.  Placing the family’s best interest before that of any individual is a priority.  For the believer, our families need to see that all we do and all we are, point towards Christ.

Let’s be honest.  Dads get a bad rap for the most part.  We are considered lazy, unaffectionate, clueless, selfish, inconsiderate, childish, and the list can go on and on.  Now, most of us receive these titles and more because we haven’t provided many examples of positive traits to be called.

When I took on the role of youth pastor several years ago there was a kid about 9 years old who was running around the church.  My wife told him to stop and go sit down but nothing she said to him got his attention.  She eventually said, “If you don’t stop I am going to call your father.”

He looked at her and laughed as he said, “Go ahead, call my father.  He doesn’t care.  He cares nothing about me.”  Sadly, this kid was not exaggerating as he was in the center of a family with a disconnected father who sought his own needs over theirs.  This young man grew to be a bitter, rebellious young man craving the acceptance of his father and when he never got it, he turned to self destructive behaviors.

Children Obey But Father’s Don’t Provoke

See these are some common things you hear in today’s society but that’s not true of all fathers.  Even the “good” dads get branded time to time as bad,  leaving one to feel like we lose either way.  For me, I say, “Thank you Jesus for your mercy and grace.”  I know I am not perfect, but I believe in and choose to serve, a perfect God.  As I study scripture more and more, I learn more of the God I serve and the example He sent in Christ Jesus.   I read the lessons given by the lives of those from scripture and try to reflect it back into my life.  One of the biggest lesson taught to men in scripture, is that of fatherhood and the responsibilities placed on them in mentoring and protecting the souls of the young.  The Amplified Bible puts it this way…

Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger, do not exasperate them to resentment, but rear them tenderly in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.  – Eph. 6:4

As a father of four, working a job schedule that does not really have a set time of punching in and punching out, it’s not always easy to give attention to the needs of my kids when they want it.  I understand however that they are never to become second to my work.  They are my first ministry and my first responsibility.   I may have an errand to finish or a task to complete, but it is my responsibility to make sure that at the end of each day they know that I am not just their father by nature, but also by my actions.

Do you understand that your children are your ministry?  They are the ones you attend to, teach and guide through life.  Can you do that if you see that your job is the only way to attend to their needs?  Or maybe you think showing them a hard working father is an example of life.  Sadly, that sounds right but in the end a neglected child causes irritation and provokes the child to anger.

I will never say that being a father is an easy job and ladies, nor am I saying that mothering is easy, far from it.  Parenting PERIOD is a hard and important job.  It’s not for the lazy, fickle or unmotivated.  That is why we need the Lord in all we do and strive to become.

In order to be the father that God has called us to be, we must first submit ourselves as His servants.  Submitting to His authority and allowing Him to be our Lord.  Then we become His disciples, learning from Him how we are to live and behave.  We develop under His teachings courage, authority, and knowledge.  He then challenges us to use what we learn in our everyday life.  He encourages us to go and teach those He has placed before us.  We evolve then to Servant Leadership ones who lead by example, willing to sacrifice our comfort for sake of those entrusted to us all so that we can help in securing their calling and future.

Fatherhood, a call to Servant Leadership and a task not to be taken lightly.

-Samuel

Weekly Challenge:

You will notice that on the homepage we have the book, “Be a Better Dad Today.”  It is obviously not a book that will erase mistakes that were made or keep you from ever making a mistake but this book is so good in giving some good basic guidelines to being that servant father.  Purchase the book for yourself or buy it as a belated Father’s Day gift.

Also if you have enjoyed the pictures on our website, Elizabeth Madaia photography is opening up their summer schedules for all those that follow Through the Winters ministry.  If you can get to the Suffolk County area you can get a 10% discount when you give the code THRUTHEWINTERS when ordering your package.  You can go to Elizabeth Madaia Photography Facebook to see all the different options and pictures.

Feel free to comment below or email me on the side if you would like to have a private conversation.  We appreciate you!!

 Samuel is going to continue sharing about his challenges of being a fatherless father. 

The Double Life of a 16 yr old

On April 16^th (Which was Easter Sunday this year) our oldest son turned 16 years old.  This marked a whole new era of parenting for us as he is reminding us almost daily that he can now legally drive.  Any chance he can get even if it is to move the car from one spot to another he asks the question, “Can I drive the car?” This birthday also marked for us the day 16 years ago when we entered into the realm of parenthood.  As a new parent, I had my worries of: Can I provide for him, will he love me, but what really scared me was this year right here.  I was worried about raising my son through the years where he was most in need of a father.  Can a father ever be enough for their children?

I lost my dad at the age of 11, just as I was about to turn 12.  Between that and the years leading up to the age of 16, I did stupid stuff, some of which I can’t really remember.   I recall 16 though and the crazy views I had of right and wrong.   I’m not going to say for sure that I would have made different choices had my dad been around.  I don’t know if that would be true.   What I can be sure of is this; his presence would have definitely helped.   By the time I turned 16, I had already lost my virginity, had a really warped view of what love was, had low self- esteem, and was contemplating suicide.  Very, very few people knew this about me, as I kept my personal life to myself. I maintained a big smile on my face and was very social in other areas.  Now I was 16, my year of lies and dishonesty.

I wasn’t a horrible teen.  In fact, I tried to be there for as many people as possible, as best I could.  That’s just the way I was.  When it came to myself, I kept my struggles and thoughts all locked in.  I wasn’t honest with people about what I was thinking, or feeling.  I lied to my mom and others to hide what was really going on with me.  I became angry at friends who took advantage of me and made me feel not as “cool” as them but hid it so as not to show them what they did or said, affected me.  I never felt the need or was ever tempted to do drugs, or smoke even though over half of my friends at both church and school did.  That stuff was garbage to me.  I just thought it was dumb.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

So, here I am now, 40years old and my son is at that age where I doubted all that I was and wondered what value I had to this world.  I don’t know about you, but I wondered, “Will I be able to give my children what they need to survive in this world?”  I’m not talking about physically or economically.  I’m more concerned about mentally and spiritually.  Though I had men of God step up and help me through different areas of life, as I said last week, I had my issues.  When my oldest son was born, like I said earlier, this was the year I feared the most.  What if he hates life the way I began to?  How will he handle his inner demons, I thought.    

By the time my son was born, I was already involved in youth ministry and learned quite a bit about teens and home life.  I went in knowing that the way in which I interpreted the world to my kids would play 70% of how they would see life, and their purpose in it.  These thoughts, along with others, scared me because I was so focused on my weaknesses.  I had inner struggles that, more times than I wish to admit, overpowered my better judgment and caused me to fail.  Loving my kids would not be the issue.  I was more concerned if I could show them how to survive in this world.  Did I possess enough knowledge to help them face their own struggles and pains?  Will I be able to notice when something is wrong with them emotionally and/or spiritually?  Then one day this verse came to me.

“May the God of HOPE, fill you with all joy and peace as you TRUST in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

I finally realized that I was allowing my love for them to push me in the wrong direction.  I let it make me feel that I wasn’t adequate to be their father.  I let it consume me into a point of view that made me feel ashamed and not worthy of the responsibility of raising them.  I know crazy, right?  It just clicked in my head from that point on.  “What I think I can or cannot do, is not the point right now.  I am a child of God and He has trusted me with these children.  It is a great responsibility, but it is one that He will guide me through if I seek Him and His wisdom.”  He entrusted me so I will trust Him.  I needed to believe that He was going to equip me with what I required to get the job done.

Though You Can’t God Can

That was the day I took a stand to not be wavered in how I see myself.  I made a choice to follow God without fear of man and of what I believed my circumstances to be.   Now I know for some it may not be this simple.  What worked for me may not work for you, but the point is this, at some point, it has to “click” in your mind that if you are going to truly walk in faith, there has to be a part of you that accepts that though you can’t, God can.  When you accept that He can, He will “fill you with joy and peace AS YOU trust in Him…”  See before my “hope” was in what I could do on my own strength.  Now my hope is in God and His unlimited strength.

That new way of thinking impacted many things in my life, not just my role as a father.  The major change in my actions was prayer.  I prayed for real.  I established a new and stronger relationship with God where He and I spoke to one another.  I learned how to meditate on Him and soak in His presence.  It made me bold because I knew who I belonged to and who had my back.  I knew it before, but now I KNOW.  I felt Him in my life.  I had new passion and courage to move forward understanding that no matter what would happen it would be okay.  Why?  Because I was following His direction and He was not going to lead me astray.

Through prayer, I saw life differently and there were some things I learned that I would like to share, to encourage you.

1. Understand that you are not serving a God that does for others but won’t do for you. He wants to do the same thing for you as he has done for others.  He will help you in whatever area you need.
2. Accept the truth that God doesn’t just want to help you, but he wants to challenge, encourage and use you to do something bigger than you.
3. In order to see life differently, you not only need to speak to God, but learn to listen as well. You can’t just ask God to “fix this and give me that”.  It has to be, “how do I…and teach me how to…”  A strong prayer life will guide you through those complicated and weak areas of life.  For me, it was my uneasiness of whether I could do this father thing. In times of conversation (prayer) He will teach you, inspire you and mold you.

When you understand Romans 15:13 nothing God does will surprise you.  I discovered that if He set me on a path, I wasn’t going to go on it alone.  The more I understood that the stronger I became in trusting who I served.  He can do the same for you, but you have to come to a point of understanding that relying on just your own strength is not enough.  To truly trust God means to truly follow Him.  If you still do things your way, on your terms and expect God to follow along you’re not trusting in Him, your trying to control Him.  As C.S. Lewis described Aslan, a representation of Christ, in the Chronicles of Narnia “He is not a tamed lion, you cannot control him.  He will do as he seems fit.”   Allow God to show you that He is able to make you more than enough.  Develop a “true time of prayer” with Him and discover your new way of seeing life.

-Samuel

Weekly Challenge:

This week really did challenge our trust factor with God concerning our children.  This week take some time to read about a man by the name of Abraham.  He was over 100 years old when he finally got his son Isaac.  He loved this child so much, so God tested Abraham’s trust in God over his love for his son when he asks him to sacrifice his son.  See how what happens, would he obey or would he let his fear of losing his child cause him to disobey in Genesis 22:1-19.

Also if you have enjoyed the pictures on our website, Elizabeth Madaia photography is opening up their summer schedules for all those that follow Through the Winters ministry.  If you can get to the Suffolk County area you can get a 10% discount when you give the code THRUTHEWINTERS when ordering your package.  You can go to Elizabeth Madaia Photography Facebook to see all the different options and pictures.

Feel free to comment below or email me on the side if you would like to have a private conversation.  We appreciate you!!

Hey everyone.  Samuel Winters here.  For the most part I have been behind the scenes with our weekly blogs editing and stuff.  I am so grateful to all of you who have been reading and subscribing to our ministry here at Through the Winters.  Currently, I serve as the Associate Pastor of our church in Long Island, NY.  I have worked here for just under 11 years.  We have dedicated our time to ministry because we know that there are people hurting in this world.  Many of them have a hard time seeing God as a “Good Father”.   Marsha and I felt that since this month celebrates Father’s Day, it would be good for our readers to hear a bit more about my life stories, and allow me to share some of my views about the topic.  I know that, for a good portion of our readers, this subject about fathers is not a very popular one.  I hope that my story and messages bless you throughout this month, and that they encourage you to allow yourself to be used by God to help the next generation.

One of the Hardest Days of My Life

How does a young boy survive life without a father?  It was February 6^th 1990 and in just a little over two months of that date I would turn 12 years old.  I remember being woken up really late that night by the sound of my mother’s scream.  As I sat up in my bed startled by the sound, my older brother walked in.  “What happened?” I said.  My brother was quiet and didn’t look at me directly as he walked over to me and put his hand on my bed.   I heard my mom sobbing and saying something, but I couldn’t make it out.  My brother finally spoke, “It’s pop.  He’s dead.”   To tell you exactly what I said then would be more guessing than facts.  What I do remember next was walking into my living room and seeing police officers standing there.  A female officer was with my mom.  This was real.

My mom and dad had owned a deli in Westchester NY; it was a fairly new business venture.  Our milk delivery was going to be late so my dad, on his way home from his other job, decided to stop at Top Tomato Store to get milk for the deli until then.  As he was in the store it was held up by two gunmen.  During a scuffle with one of the gunmen my dad was shot and died on the scene. The days that followed that crazy night was just chaos.  The phone rang all day for three days.  News reporters showed up to the house and interviewed my mom.  People were coming over to pay their respects.  It was a lot to take in and almost unreal at the same time.  I remember being sad, but I don’t remember crying.

My father was a deacon in our church.  He was well loved there and apparently he was seen as a kind of father figure to many others.  His death obviously hit my two older brothers, mother and extended family hard,but it also was a tragedy for so many of our friends and members of our church as well.  I didn’t realize how much he was seen as a “dad” to other members of our youth and young adults.  I was even more surprised to find out that he mentored some of the younger men in our church.  My dad had his faults and weaknesses, but he did the best he knew how and trusted God for the rest.  And now, he was gone.

I honestly don’t remember turning 12 in the couple of months that followed.  In fact, that whole rest of the year is kind of a blur.  I completed 7^th grade, went to 8^th, prepared for high school and life continued.  The ups and downs between then and now were crazy.  I made a bunch of stupid choices and a few good ones.  I could have gone in so many other directions that would have led me into chaos but God was there.  There were men he placed in my life to look after me and my brothers in my father’s absence.

Big Shoes to Fill

It would be a number of years later, Marsha and I were married and I was a youth pastor at a church in the Bronx, when we received a phone call  from one of our young people.  He told me that his stepfather had just walked out on his mother.  He was the youngest of four, having one brother and two sisters.  My wife and I hurried to their home not really sure what to say to them when we got there.  I went outside with the two boys and we talked about a number of things, one of those things being about how I had lost my dad.  The youngest boy, he was about 12, asked, “How did you handle it?  What helped you go forward?”  Without even thinking about it the answer just came out of me.  “There were men from church who stepped up and became spiritual dads to me.  Each of them looked out for me in different ways. “

I became the youth pastor at the same church I was raised in so when I began to name my spiritual fathers to him, he knew who they were.  As I told these two young men of how God provided me with fathers in my times of need, it was also a revelation to myself.  It hit me that God did not leave me alone, but instead allowed me to grow under the watchful eyes of these men.  Now, it was my turn to return the blessing.  That moment showed me that there was so much more that needed to be done.  There was a responsibility I had as a follower of Christ to show love to those who did not know love and to be an example of God’s fatherly love.

I missed my dad, but it was the men who became father figures that showed me how to love those not of my blood.  They had me over their homes and would check in on me, asking me about school and work.  They made it their business to make sure that I was in church.  They loved me, prayed for me and a few even disciplined me.   One of them even sat me down to have the “talk” with me when he realized that I was getting serious about girls.  I finally understood why so many were so hurt and taken back by my dad’s death outside of my family.  What these men were for me, my dad was for others.

Be a Father to the Fatherless

To the men…  Be a Father to the Fatherless.   Reach out to the boys in your church and community.  Let them know that you notice them and that you are praying for them.   We need Spiritual Fathers in the church to help raise up and encourage young boys to become Men of God.   Men we are given a great responsibility in the Kingdom of God and to love and train the next generation of men in the way they should go.  Look for how you can influence young men in your church in the ways of God.  If you have sons of your own, recognize the importance of your calling in teaching them the Word.

To Mitchell, Eli, Joel, Angel, Fernando, Louie, Armando and Michael thank you for being the fathers I needed in my times of need.

-Samuel

Weekly Challenge:

As father’s day is coming up think about those men that have been a father to you – an uncle, mentor, family friend – and take the time to thank God for them.  Think of how they where you would be without them.  Also read Romans 8:14-17.  God is reassuring us that his relationship with us is different when we surrender to him.  He sees us as his children.  For those that may be fatherless, you can be reassured that you are not without that figure that will lead, guide, protect, provide and even comfort.

Turning Insight into Insecurities

What do you do when you see the potential of your child, but they themselves won’t go after it?   How do you parent a child that you may feel is unqualified?  Well let me tell you about a woman who did trust God to do what he said he would do.  There were three women in Genesis with whom God spoke directly about their children: Eve, Hagar and Rebecca.  Rebecca was the first woman recorded to have twins. They were Jacob and Esau.  Jacob was the father of the Israelites.  If you are not familiar with this person, let me give you a quick back story.  Before Jacob was a father of a nation, he was a swindler, a deceiver and a trickster—that’s what “Jacob” means.  At the age of almost 80 years old he was living at home unmarried and manipulated by his mother.

When Rebecca was pregnant with the boys, they were fighting in her stomach.  She was so overwhelmed that she prayed to God for answers.  It was then that God told her there were two nations in her stomach (this was the first sonogram so to speak).  God went on to say that the younger son would rule over the older one.  It is written in the bible that Jacob became her favorite, while Esau was her husband Isaac’s favorite.  Rebecca instilled in Jacob that being the second was not enough when she manipulated him at almost 80 years of age to trick her blind husband, to bless Jacob over Esau.  She helped nurture his insecurities, his need for acceptance by her even though he was way passed  his change of life.

For the last four months we have been using Steven Furtick’s book Unqualified to get a better insight on how to handle the shortcomings of life. In his book Steven states,“If you are a parent, you have the awesome responsibility of helping your children realize who they are.  You have a God-given insight into their identities, and get to play a part in bringing those insights to light” Pg. 143.  As a parent, we are given a better picture of the destiny God has for our kids.  The honor we have—being  a little like God—seeing the possible path laid out for our kids, does not give us license to manipulate, swindle or control the way in which God accomplishes his plan.  Our need for control may produce a child with unnecessary insecurities, fears, and a warped self-image.

When Enough Isn’t Enough

Jacob was a twin but, due to the fact that he was second born, he felt inferior because of the benefits Esau received because of the order of delivery.  How do you handle it when you watch lazy, unmotivated, unfaithful people receive blessings for nothing?  We watch from a distance while these people take advantage of the thing you scratch the walls to get.  You work hard, study, train just to receive half of what other people receive just for showing up.  At times, we think life isn’t fair.  We want to even out the playing field, but that would mean taking on the character of those we despise just so we can receive what we feel belongs to us.

Jacob knew that Esau would get a special blessing and the birthright.  It wasn’t enough that his mother was told by God that he would be the stronger of the two boys, that he would be the ruler and the one to be blessed.  Jacob wanted to insure he would receive his blessing by pretending to be his brother.  One day when his brother Esau came back from a hunting trip, the bible says he was “famished”, so famished that Jacob wouldn’t allow him to eat the stew he made without Esau trading his birthright.   Esau fell into, what the Christian community calls, the worst trade ever.  Stew was given for the blessings of the first born.

Identity Abuse?

If that wasn’t enough,  Jacob’s mother, Rebecca, overheard the conversation between her husband and her own son, Esau. Her husband was ready to die and give out blessings to his favorite son.  While Esau was away preparing their father’s favorite food, Rebecca convinced her 80 year old son, Jacob, to take on the clothes of his brother  tricking his blind father into blessing him over his brother.  His mother’s manipulation made him believe that the only way to get the blessing that God had for him was to be someone that he was not.  Steven Furtick said something that I have NEVER heard before,  “If you grew up in a dysfunctional environment, if you were a victim of identity abuse, comparison, manipulation, or favoritism, know that God longs to reveal the true you” pg.144.   I never heard of the term Identity abuse before.  If I were to give my own definition of this phrase by adding the definition of identity and abuse it would be, “anger, and harshness stressed verbally in hope to injure or damage someone due to  character, personality , individuality even identification.”

I would say that Jacob was a victim of identity abuse because who God called him to be, and his status in the family, was never received by his father.  Sadly, his mother’s insistence was her willingness to destroy his relationship with his brother and father forever.  She placed everything that Jacob had, even his relationship with her, on the altar to be sacrificed so she could be happy.   Excellent parenting starts by a parent realizing what their role, and place, is in their children’s life and in every new chapter of their children’s lives.  Bad parenting is when we overstep our boundaries with their creator and misunderstand that our children never belonged to us.  We don’t get to choose their destiny like a road trip.  We are just as much on a trip as they are and we must remember our place is always in the front of the car as the passenger never the driver.   Steven said great parenting is about helping children value and recognize who they are and then helping them reach their God given destination.

Four Points to Parenting the Unqualified

1. It is not your place to determine if your child is unqualified or not.

You don’t have the full picture of your child’s destiny so you are not qualified to determine what unqualified looks like.   Encourage your child to give their feelings of insecurities to God who will give them security.

2. Get God’s insight on your child’s destiny.

Spend more time getting on God’s plan for your child’s life instead of spending your prayer time trying to get God on your plan.  Remember that you don’t get a vote in the direction your child goes, only their master designer.

3. Know you role and shut your mouth.

Refrain from giving your ideas on how to get to a future that is not your own.  Ultimately the life your children live will be theirs.  The things that you may be willing to sacrifice, relationships, career, talents, are not yours to sacrifice.

4. Trust your God.

When you stop to think of all the things you are in control of, you will be sobered up to the truth that you have no choice but to trust God with your children.  The areas you think you have control over, you don’t.  Actually, you have control over nothing.

Weekly Challenge:
For the last of the Unqualified series I would encourage you to listen to the very last preaching from Steven Furtick in his Unqualified series.  In his message, “Brace Yourself” Steven reminds us that those that changed the Christian world were all people that we would never think God himself would pick.  It would be awesome for you to read the story of Jacob, Esau and Rebecca for yourself in Genesis 25:19-34 and chapter 27.  Please feel free to start a conversation or email us on the side if you need some additional help.

Living in 2000 Pieces

How do you take the pieces of your life and turn it into peace? Let’s use Legos to answer this question. Well, when you have four children, under the age of 16, everything you do is an event.   One event we love the most at our home is Christmas.   I try very hard to make sure that we don’t do anything extra and unnecessary on that day. We make sure not to have people over or visit others because when you, as the parent, are in the minority at a hostile situation your mistakes become evident.  My children have never gotten so violent, rebellious and unlovable until it is Christmas with extra people added.

One year my two oldest became obsessed with Legos.  If you don’t know what those are, let me quickly explain them to you.  Legos are small interlocking hard pieces of plastic of different shapes and sizes that when put them together they make structures like buildings, vehicles, scenery and people; it all depends on what you purchase.  So, one Christmas my son wanted the Lord of the Rings Lego set and my daughter wanted a Lego Tree House set.  Both sets had over 2000 pieces each.  That Christmas, my husband and I sat with them for hours and hours putting the structures together and, surprisingly, I loved it more than they did.  I was taken back a little by the amount of pieces and the detailed instructions given in order to put these things together.  When I was a kid you just got a bag of random Lego pieces—long, short, thick, thin—and it was up to me to make my structure as I saw fit.  It was fun trying to make a house, but sometimes there weren’t enough pieces and I had to use a different color to finish off the base.  Other times I had way too many pieces left over, and I couldn’t do anything with them.  In this day and age, Lego has upped their game and perfected their pieces, but there is one difference, you have to follow the instruction manual.

Living That Lego Life

What do you do when your life is more like Lego Pieces than a well built estate?  What do you do when life isn’t coming together the way you thought it would?  I remember learning the most about myself, such as, insecurity and shortcomings, when I was a new mom to Joey and Rachel.  I couldn’t understand what God wanted from me.  My husband was working 50-60 hours at the church, and I was at home with my 2 year old and newborn wondering if my life was reduced to potty training and nursing.  Motherhood, and being a wife, was a wonderful opportunity, but I was battling with so many random thoughts of myself that I was convinced I was broken.   Behind closed doors I was fighting so much anger and resentment for where I was, mostly because the picture I had for my life wasn’t the one I was living.  I found myself taking the random pieces I had been given and tried to make a life out of it.  My dreams however were bigger than the pieces I had.

It was as if I was 8 yrs old again and was given a bag containing pieces of my dreams, and now I was asked to make something out of it without any guidance or understanding of what everything was for.  I felt like I was trying to make everything fit, but it wasn’t.  So I became frustrated and angry.  I neglected other aspects of my life because I felt surely God wasn’t going to be able to use this.  Raising kids and being married is NOT to be taken lightly. I learned that later on.  I would find out much later that the pieces of motherhood and being a wife was the most important, precious pieces given, but without the other the Lego pieces of my life, it was just a frustrating, confusing season.    I liken it to sitting down expecting to watch a Batman movie and a Barbie movie comes on.  It’s not what is expected.

In Steven Furtick’s preaching, “Piece it Together,” he gives you another perspective to living a life in pieces.  I don’t know how many times I’ve looked at my life, my situation or even my future, and considered it all, shattered because of all the random pieces.  But what if you and I aren’t as broken as we think we are?  I’m not saying that we aren’t weak or sinful.  What we are given to work with in this life may just be exactly what God wants you to have, in order for you to draw closer to him.

If you are so bent on focusing on your pieces of your so called broken life, then your weaknesses won’t drive you towards God.  They will drive you way from him and into an existence dominated by condemnation, guilt, legalism and maybe resentment.  We’ll end up striving to fix ourselves, to clean ourselves up, to make ourselves worthy of God.  Or we’ll give up on the process altogether because it’s hopeless.   (Steven Furtick- Unqualified pg. 111)

Putting those Pieces Together

There are things that we have to do in order to put our Lego life together.

1. You need to use your manual.  It didn’t matter if my son was putting together his Lord of the Rings Lego structure or if my daughter was putting together her Lego Tree House  We still needed to use the manuals.   If we try to put together the pieces of our lives with no vision and understanding of how and where each piece is supposed to fit the result of what we are putting together will have missing pieces or too many pieces left over.  (Philippians 4:6-7)

⁶ do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

God wants you to come to him and He wants you to read his manual in order to figure out where every piece is supposed to go.  You don’t have to guess.  Your pieces turn into peace when you find Christ in your crisis.

2. Don’t be discouraged if what you are handed doesn’t look like the box. Sometimes we look at the box our pieces came in—our wildest dreams—and we wonder why our lives don’t look anything like the picture God gave us.

He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it.  Philippians 1:6.

On Christmas day, what we started gets finished.  There was never a Lego structure that was started and left unfinished.  And God is not in the business of starting his masterpiece in us and leaving us unfinished.  Be patient with the process.

3. Don’t take any piece for granted.  Sometimes, we overlook the small parts of our lives.  We wish we could just remove them, but every part is important in the building of that life.  We are so quick to throw out something we can’t understand about ourselves, but the very thing we think is unnecessary, may be the very piece needed to complete you.

Weekly Challenge:

In this week’s challenge, I would love for you to read the story of a man name Joseph.  He was a 17 years old when God gave him these big dreams.  He knew that God was going to do something amazing with him but his dream sparked jealousy in his brothers.  He was thrown into a pit, sold as a slave, accused of rape, thrown in jail and left there to die.  How was he supposed to accomplish the dream God gave him?  Well, read Genesis chapters 37,39-41 to see how God used different pieces of his life to create greatness.

I also would love for you to watch Steven Furtick’s preaching called “Piece it Together”. It is so inspiring and encouraging.  Finally you can follow us on Instagram and Facebook @throughthewinters.com

Perfection verses Failure

God is not in the business of picking the right man for a job, but instead, is in the business of taking the one who seems unfit and molds him into the man he is destined to be.  How can we understand the mindset of a God who overlooks the perfect candidate and chooses to focus His eyes on the inexperienced, loser, runt and the… unqualified?

At the age of 7, I found myself battling a number of insecurities as I was facing the recent awakening of my sexuality from months of being molested.  My perception of life and of how things should be, was not that of an average seven year old.  I realized this more when I became friends with a girl who was, in my definition, perfect in every way.  She went to church in her Sunday best with both of her God-fearing parents and siblings.  She exercised manners that I had never seen before and was very talented.  If there was a solos or vocal part for the choir, her or her sister was almost always picked.   I wasn’t jealous of her, but I admired her ways, success and growing reputation.  In fact being around her, it became obvious to me that I had a number of shortcomings.  I realized that I could never be like her, but I was definitely going to try.

I remember the day I decided I was going to give this “Give your heart to God” thing a try.  I was going to walk that perfect road and live the sinless life with God at my side.  I was 9 years old when, at a church service, the pastor gave his normal call to salvation at the end of his preaching.  There were a few people who raised their hands and I made the choice to raise mine.  One main reason I did this was because I heard that as a prize for raising your hand, you received a nice shiny new bible.  I didn’t understand why everyone didn’t do it.  No questions asked, you raise your hand and that’s it—how easy was that?  So I did it, but then I was instructed by someone to go up to the altar.  Others who lifted their hands were told to come down as well.   After they prayed for me I was then brought to the side of the sanctuary where they asked me more questions, I wasn’t expecting that at all.  I was intimidated, but I wanted to be like my friend, so I listened and agreed to whatever they said and as a reward I was given a beautiful maroon hard covered King James Bible.

Being Authentically Fake

When I went home, I immediately planned out this new life of salvation, with a list of things I was going to do different.  1.  No more cussing.  2. No more showing boys my two fingers when I got upset.  3. No more of those inappropriate thoughts I had that no one else knew about and most of all  4. NO MORE HITTING PEOPLE!  That was going to be hard.  My friend that I looked up to, had never gotten into a fist fight before, so I knew that needed to change for sure.   I was going to read my Bible until the pages were falling out like hers.  (She was on a bible quiz team.) I wanted evidence to all that I too was reading my Bible.

I would start this new life early Monday morning.  I woke up, prayed a small prayer, got dressed and was ready for school.  I literally walked 3 and a half blocks when I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk, that I have walked over several times before, and used a “potty word”.   Upset at what I had just done, I used a few more “potty words” for saying the first one.  When I realized what I did, I threw my new found salvation in the trash and decided this was too hard to be like someone else.  I used those two fingers more than ever that day.  That week in fact, I went to church with my very first black eye because of a brawl I got–I think it had something to do with those fingers I kept using.

Comparing myself to my friend, I was convinced that God had chosen her over me—hands down.  There was no way that he would ever pick someone like me to do anything of worth for his kingdom.  I thought I was a failure in so many ways because I couldn’t even be like my friend for just 3 hours let alone 24.  How was I going to ever have all those neat things my Sunday school teacher talked about?  I just knew that I would never be picked to do something great, or even have that perfect life, husband or kids.  Those blessing were reserved for someone like my friend, so I thought.  Never had I ever been so wrong.  Never have YOU ever been so wrong if you have had thoughts like this about yourself.   Let me tell you something, God thrives on challenges and boy was I a challenge!!  I realized much later that I was trying to serve a perfect God in the ways and manners that my friend was called to serve him.  I tried to model myself after her, thinking that that was how God wanted me to look, act and think.  There are certain criteria that all believers are to follow, but He made us individuals for a reason.

Trying to Serve a God I Don’t Understand

I needed to learn how God created me to be; how His plan was for my life and what He called me for.  The process for my salvation was not to do things like my friend, but to use my friends example as an inspiration for what I could have in my own way with God.   Steven Furtick said it right in his book Unqualified, God’s thoughts about any given situation (Including mine) cannot be numbered, we can’t even count them and they outnumber the grains of sand (pg42).  How can I try to serve a God that I don’t understand for myself?  When I misunderstand God’s checklist of qualification, I then  try to be something he never intended me to be and He doesn’t want a fake.

“Apart from God, it’s impossible to get a clear picture of who we are, because our identity is so intimately and intricately and inseparably bound to His.” (pg66)  When I read that quote I was hit with a truth that I am still discovering today; I can never discover my identity until I finish discovering God’s.  How can I mold my life after His purpose and plan if I don’t know what those are?  For me to try to live my life without discovering my God and his identity, is to never know who I am.  I Corinthians 13 says it perfectly in verse 12 when it reads…

 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

Have you ever tried to look at yourself in front of a completely blurred or dirty mirror?  Because of its faultiness, it is deceiving on what it reflects back to you.  The mirror shows you everything that is there but adds to or distorts the reflection.  Living our lives outside of the one who created and designed us, is like looking at ourselves through a mirror that is dim and/or distorted.  We can’t trust what it is we truly see because it’s not showing the proper image of who we really are.  As you draw closer to God, It’s like God sprays Windex then the distortions are fixed, adjusted and the smudges are cleaned off.  That same mirror you feared to look at because of what it showed you about yourself, now reveals to you what God sees in you.

Because we see ourselves one way through the distorted mirror, we probably change ourselves from God’s original design of how He made us to be. This newly fixed and clean mirror will show us who we were always meant to be and it will show us the real things we will need to change.  For example maybe there are some things we have gotten so used to wearing, but now they no longer look good on us; maybe anger, un-forgiveness, bitterness, fear, false humility, passivity, procrastination, doubt, laziness…basically sin and anything else God didn’t intend for us to have, needs to come off.  Don’t be discouraged, Steven said it right “…the presence of sin does not disqualify you from pursuing God’s plan or your life.  If that were the case, we’d all be hopelessly disqualified, because we all sin.  God blesses us despite our sins, and he is sovereign enough and good enough to use our mistakes for his glory.” (pg94)  Now this isn’t an excuse to just live life anyway we please and expect God to just remove the consequences when we say sorry.  If we should mess up He will be quick to forgive but we must make every effort to learn His voice for ourselves so that we may be who He called us to be; not in the image of someone else.

Weekly Challenge:

This week I would love for you to see if you are trying to be something you’re not.  Is there a part of your life that you are being authentically fake?  Read 1 King 3:3-14.  In this Bible story Soloman, David’s son, is honest about his feelings of insecurity after taking his father’s throne.  David was an amazing king and Soloman knew he was nothing like him.  So in these verses you see how God responds to Soloman’s need for help and wisdom to rule such a powerful kingdom. If you have some extra time, Steven preached a message years ago that called Death to Selfie. In this message Steven talks about Jacob in the bible and his sole desire to be like his Esau.  The whole series is awesome but I think this message is great for this week’s blog weekly challenge.

Also if you would like to hear more about my testimony read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free!  You can also buy the full book on Amazon!

If you need some support or help please don’t hesitate to contact us.  Also follow us on Facebook and Instagram @throughthewinters.com

The Wild Card

In the 2000 Olympics, in Sydney Australia, one of the most memorable swim races was witnessed by 17,000 spectators.  The Olympics gives out what is known as, “wild cards” to a rare few who are allowed to represent their country even though they did not meet the requirements to earn a spot in the Olympic event.  Eric Moussambani had the opportunity of a lifetime when the Olympics gave him one of these wild cards so he could represent his country.  For eight months Eric trained in the ocean because there was nowhere in his country that an Olympic size pool was available.  The pool he did train in was only 12-13 meters long but he was preparing to swim the 50-meter race.  Eric was so honored and excited to experience this memorable moment.  Reality set in when he was told that he was doing the 100-meter race.  Eric had never seen an Olympic-sized pool before and the size of the pool before him overwhelmed him.  Now to add to his anxiety he has to swim 100 meters when he only trained for 50.  Eric realized that he was unqualified when he saw the American’s training and diving in their practices.  He tried emulating some of their dives and form but it was way too late to perfect what he was not.  How was this man going to qualify against the other competitors?

On the big day, Eric and two other men from Niger and Tajikistan took their places and set themselves up to dive into this huge pool.  By all means,  it would be a miracle if he would even have the strength to finish, let alone move on to the next level.  The men waited in their ready positions for the sound of the whistle that would tell them to dive in the pool and begin the race.  “Ready… Set….”  There was no “Go”  The two other competitors dove in and began swimming with all they had, Eric was still at his podium when several whistles went off causing the race to stop.  Something was wrong and Eric immediately thought he was the one they were blowing the whistle for.  Instead, it was ruled that the other two swimmers jumped into the pool before the final whistle was blown, to everyone’s surprise, they had disqualified themselves.

The other two competitors were no longer in the race and everything was reset for Moussambani.   It wasn’t over for him, he still needed to swim and swim he did.  The first 50 meters went okay, but because he had never swam more than that before, he soon became tired and weary.  The obvious struggle that he had to endure in order to finish was so painful for everyone to watch.  All he wanted to do was finish the phase at this point.   He knew that he would not make the qualifying time to move forward.  He was just honored to represent his country in the most famous event in the world.  So he fought on and pushed past his pain to finish his race and finish he did.  Sometimes life isn’t about qualifying but it’s about the fight.

The Sin of Comparison

How many of us can relate to Eric?  We are all unqualified to be on this Olympic-sized pool of life.  There are two kinds of people that show up to life’s games.  The ones who fool themselves to think they are qualified and those who know they are unqualified.   Don’t we live life comparing our failures and victories against others?  How else do we know that we are fat; when we see those that are skinny.  How do we know that we are poor; when we see someone who is rich.  How do we know that we are a failure; when we see someone who is successful.

It is my opinion that comparison is a tool that the enemy uses to lead us into suffering, pain, and sin.  When you look at the story of Adam and Eve you see two perfect people who had it all, but Satan caused them to question themselves by showing how inferior they were, compared to God.    Gen 3:5 “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 

Adam and Eve were more like God than the angels because they were made in God’s image, but Satan made Adam and Eve believe that there was some part of them that was not like God.  They compared their knowledge of good and evil to God’s knowledge.  Comparison, in this case, leads them to enter a life of sin.  There was nothing wrong with being like God, but it was the path they went on to be more like Him which led to their downfall.

We find ourselves at times failing at life’s challenges when we are not confident in who we are to God.  In the book “Unqualified”, Steven Furtick makes a very powerful statement, “Maybe the fact that you don’t currently measure up to the expectations you or other people have isn’t a deal killer.  Maybe God wants to do something beyond your abilities, and he is a far less intimidated by your failures and limits than you are.” (Pg 10).

Walking Contradictions

Can you handle the fact that maybe God has called you to be a walking contradiction?   “Maybe some of the things we think are dirt and grime are actually essential parts of who we are.  Maybe some areas we call weaknesses are really strengths in disguise.  They bother us now, but God has plans to use them for our benefit.  They are an essential part of who God made us to be.  Erasing them would be a travesty” (pg 41).  This statement means that we may have to be the walking dead who lost everything but need nothing.  We may have to show others that we are weak but stronger than ever.  How contradictory is it to hunger after God but live a life full of His love?  Life becomes more complicated when you try to be something you aren’t. “First impressions, second impressions, last impressions—they are irrelevant to him because he knows the real you.  He sees past the façade and recognizes you for who you really are.” (pg 59)

I know that some of these things that Steven is saying and maybe even what I’m saying to you as well can be way too hard to do, but change has to start somewhere.  May I suggest that as a first step you use one of Steven’s ideas?   Simply start with changing your third word (pg 41-44).  Your third word is how you finish the phrase, “I am…”   For example: I am fat, I am weak, I am a coward, I am impatient, I am ugly, I am angry, I am mean, I am critical, I am fearful?  You may say, “Well I am those things, Marsha!”  You may be right, but sometimes it’s that third word that keeps you from living a life that is unsatisfactory.  Last week, in the weekly challenge, I asked you to read Exodus 3 and 4; it was the account of Moses when he was at the burning bush.  In these verses, Moses asks,

Who am I?- translation-I am not qualified

Who are you God?-translation– I’m not close enough to you God.

What if they don’t believe me –translation– I’m a nobody.

I stutter when I speak-translation –I’m not good enough.

Can you please send someone else-translation-You have the wrong guy.

When you read God’s response to Moses’ reasons for not being the right person, God never corrects him!!  The truth is Moses was right, he was unqualified, un-knowledgeable of God, the people weren’t going to believe him, he was a horrible public speaker and there was probably someone who would seem like they would be a better fit.  God never disputes his excuses.  God will not dispute all the things you see about yourself either because the truth remains that without Christ we are nothing.  However, God is in the habit of taking those that are last in to be picked for a team and turn them into an  MVP.  He takes the singer that has no rhythm and makes her the lead worship leader.  He can also take a man who is wanted for murder with a speech impediment one of the most powerful leaders to ever walk the face of this earth.

We know that in order to be who God has called us to be it will involve a struggle or two that we would rather avoid.  We don’t want to struggle, let’s be honest.  We want to be the best player on the court or field, we want to be the most anointed singer ever, we want to be the best swimmer in the Olympic Games.  Bishop Ethelbert Talbo said, “The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win, but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not to triumph, but the struggle.  The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.”  The most important part of walking with God is not just being saved by God, but being transformed by him and that’s going to take guts and a willingness to be disciplined and vulnerable before him.

Weekly challenge:

We can all use a little more confidence in God.  Read Psalms 16.  Also, check out this preaching from Pastor Steven where he talks about how the things that frustrate us maybe the thing that helps us ”  Making Friends With Frustration.”  Please feel free to start a conversation or contact us for additional help.  Follow is @throughthewinters on Facebook and Instagram