Hey everybody, it’s me,David.  In August Sam and I blogged about our experiences in helping our wives emotionally and spiritually through the traumas they experienced.  We are coming together again this month to discuss our perspectives in helping those who have dealt with past hurts and what we learned from them.  Our view points will be from our own experiences in helping others and we know that there isn’t “one true” method that will work for everyone, but we hope within this month we can use these situation we faced, to help our readers find some answers to their circumstances.  I’m going to use my relationship with my wife Alejandra to explain.

How Do I Know if I Am Chosen for This Task?

When I was younger, my dating relationships did not last long. In fact I never really lasted more than a week with one individual because I truly sought God’s approval in the matter in one way or another.  He would nudge at my heart saying “she not it”, so I would move on.  In each case, I would always feel this impression on my heart from Him, except when I met Alejandra.

Looking back now, I think I see why God did this with me when it came to my relationships.  I believe that if I had I pursued the other relationships, they would have made me numb to Alejandra’s needs.  I probably would not have had the patience, love, and strength needed to be there for her.  I definitely would have excessive baggage of my own; that could have gotten in the way of how our time together.

What is one of the reason God has created us?  One of them is to show His love and I know that one of the people I was created to exemplify that love to, was my wife.  Who has God called you to show His love to?  Is it a spouse, dear friend or family member?  Maybe it’s all of the above.  He has ordained us for the purpose of blessing and strengthening each other.  When you are called to love a hurting person, it is a task that has your name stamped on it.  There may be time when you are the only one that has the favor of the person and you may feel like you’re inadequate or incompetent for the job.  Know that God has placed you where you are strategically and for a reason.  In the book, Stepping Up:  A Call to Courageous Manhood by Dennis Rainey, founder of Family Life, wrote a quote from Winston Churchill that impacted me:

“There comes into the life of every man a task for which he and he alone is uniquely suited.  What a shame if that moment finds him either unwilling or unprepared for that which would become his finest hour.”

Are you chosen for the task?  We all are, and though you can’t help everyone, you can help some people some of the time.  This is why it is important to allow God to lead you.  I may not have the answers for everyone, but He will equip me for the need, as He will do for you.

Baggage Claim – Hurts Turned to Anger

Have you ever traveled with family members who over pack?  You have your bags and you are able to carry them fine, but because they over packed, you now have to carry some of their luggage along with yours.  This is sometimes what happens emotionally and even spiritually to many who try to help others.  For me, I was okay with carrying a few of Alejandra’s extra bags, what I didn’t expect to find there were also bags in the “unclaimed” area.  These were bags of the past, before I was in the picture, that no one helped her carry.  They were left unattended and piled up together; the longer they were left, the harder it became for Alejandra to “unpack” her heart and emotions.  In time this put a toll on her and she became guarded on who to trust and how to be vulnerable.

All of my wife’s past hurts had been stored up in her heart for too long and it turned into anger.  Whenever we had an argument, it would result in dishes and cups being thrown everywhere.  For some reason her outlet was smashing dishes?  In these moments, I felt like Neo from the Matrix movies, dodging plates as if they were bullets in slow motion.  I kept on wondering why my wife was so angry and why it happened so easily.  The more I tried to help her, the angrier she became.  What do you do when the one you are trying to help is not willing to accept it?

I tried scripture.  I quoted to her Bible verses left and right, but nothing seemed to help. The more Bible verses I shared the more dishes she threw. I felt defeated, and I began to feel as broken as those dishes on our hardwood floor.   At my lowest points I found strength in this verse.

“I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13

What helped me find strength to keep fighting for the emotional healing of my wife was the presence of the one who could overcome our troubles.  It was in my lowest point, that I felt God the most.  As Christians, we learn fast that we cannot fight this life and all it has to throw at us on our own.  He equips us with in which we will find victory.  This is not an easy task.  This is not something that happens overnight.  It is draining, exhausting, monotonous, and frustrating at times.

Why are they angry?  Most of the time it is because they were hurt and that hurt turned to fear and fear turned into anger. (Jedi moment)  On our own we can cause more harm than good because, we ourselves may become frustrated along the way, but he will show us how to be a tool of healing.

Fighting For Them and Not With Them.

The battles I faced when trying to be there for my wife made it easy for me to think about divorce rather than staying together.  I needed courage to fight the battle at hand and to see this through.  See it is easy to think of your spouse or loved one as your enemy when he/she is fighting you tooth and nail making it difficult to think clearly and rationally.  Alejandra wasn’t my enemy, she was simply reflecting the results of past hurts and pains and didn’t know how to control and deal with them. I needed to remember that as I fought this battle with her, that I fought it on the right battlefield.  She was not my enemy, Satan was, and he was trying to use any ammo he could to tear us apart.

Let me speak to all of our married readers and to those who plan to be married one day for a moment.  As a married couple you are target for the enemy.  Satan loves to attack marriages because they are a backbone to the Christian faith.  In scripture, marriage is used to represent our current and future relationship with Christ.  It is an institution that was created by God where a man and a woman come together to raise children, work together, find comfort and help in setting an example to others about God’s love and salvation.  If Satan can change that, the examples set forth by marriage of God’s love become a whole lot easier for this world to question and doubt.  This is why Christian marriages must be different than the worlds and why the enemy looks to destroy our faith by attacking marriages so much.

It takes courage not to fight back and hold your tongue when everything in you shouts otherwise. Winston Churchill put it like this,

“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm”

It takes courage to not react and remain kind.  It doesn’t take anything to scream out and just allow emotions to run rampant.  It, at times, feel easier to just let our anger loose and let the chips fall where they may.  I recall a time where the dishes were once broken on the floor.  I came in calmly and just picked them up, and then offered her a glass of water just to calm her down.  I myself was shocked at my choice reaction, but so was she.  Though the expressions of anger and failure was obvious by the evidence of broken dishes on the floor, it was the act of kindness that I showed that made it a day of victory and not of defeat.  I was there with her and for her, not against her.  It was an act of courage that I chose, not one of flesh.  I can’t tell you that after this there were no more outbursts, but I have to say that after I continued to love her the way she needed, there were fewer outburst.

Practical Thinking

One thing we all have to remember, is that we cannot change our loved ones.  We are tools used by God, He is the mechanic.  So with that remember these few points.

1. Be honored that God chose you, but be clear on what He chose you to do and how He wants you to do it.  Remember, Love doesn’t always look pretty..
2. Keep in mind that hurting people are not always rational in their thinking, reactions, or even their decision making. Try not to take their rejection personally.  Be patient and understanding to the cause of their hurt.
3. Make sure to allow for God to show you healthy boundaries so that you know what lines not to cross. Remember who the real enemy is.

Thank you for reading this week! Let me pray with you,

Father thank you for this day, and for the opportunity to minister to your people.  Lord we thank you for equipping us and teaching us how to love those in whom we are called to serve and help.  Lord we pray this week that you would help us to understand our loved ones, their hurts, and anger. Help us see them for who they are, and teach us how to better fight the real enemy and not with our hands, but with our knees. Help us and guide us Lord. In Jesus name we pray. Amen

Weekly Challenge:

Read Jeremiah 31:3 and see what God uses to draw us to him.  Look and see how you can change they way you draw the hurting.  Maybe there are somethings you know are not working.  I challenge you to adjust and let God use you.

Feel free to comment below or email us for additional help.  Follow us on Instagram or Facebook @throughthewinters.com