David here! Your favorite EMT! Last week we spoke about many things, some of the were being chosen for your spouse and handling her/his hurts with care.  Then we we talked about the baggage they bring into the relationship and it was left unattended for too long; the baggage becomes anger.  Lastly we talked about fighting for our loved ones and not with them. Now let us dive into this week’s topic, “Broken Together.” This week I want to talk more about what I went through, and how I handled being with a broken spouse. Let’s get to it.

Fighting Me, While Fighting Her

Like I spoke about in Broken Spouses week one, I learned to fight the right enemy, but at times I also found myself being my worst enemy. I had thoughts about leaving her and leaving all the other lies behind me. The thought of starting a new life without problems, or so I thought, constantly nagged me. Before I can come to terms with fighting for her, and not with her, I did have to fight myself, and my thoughts which seemed to overpower me. At times, I thought being selfish wasn’t wrong; I even found bible verses to back up my thoughts. But in fact, I was being selfish. One morning I awoke and decided to read my daily devotional, which brought me to reading Matthew 15:8-9,

“These people honor me with their lips,

    but their hearts are far from me.”

I kept coming up with reasons why I could leave her and even using God’s word to favor my thoughts. My heart was far from what God wanted, and I needed to align my heart with His.  The only way I could do this is through allowing God to take me through the process needed in order to get me safely to the other side.

How did I align my heart with God’s? I learned that one of the main ways to do this was through reading His thoughts.  When I started doing that God began to deal with me, and show me His heart.

Broken Together

It is actually funny how I came to terms with brokenness. While writing this my wife and I went back and forth many times on whether or not I can admit that I too was broken. Let me elaborate. For my career, I am an Emergency Medical Technician; I specialize in emergency situations. I assess immediately the patient and fix them or get them the proper care to be fixed. In retrospect, in my wife’s emergencies I wanted to assess and fix her dilemma—sadly that was the problem. She didn’t need fixing, she needed loving. I didn’t want to touch her brokenness (unresolved emotional issues, her feeling of neglect, rejection, abandonment and betrayal) and be broken while doing it. Sometimes we are so quick to try and fix our broken loved ones that we don’t realize that, that is not what they need.  They need love, to be hear and to be understood.  It wasn’t until I understood while pleading with God. Jeremiah the prophet says in Jeremiah 18: 1-4

“The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: ² “Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will let you hear my words.” ³ So I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was working at his wheel. ⁴ And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.”

God, the potter, wanted to break me as he sought fit. My question to God was, “Why would you want two broken people?” It didn’t make sense to me; however God was using Alejandra’s turmoil to produce the chiseling away of my pride. He wanted to dismiss all I knew and everything I thought made sense so that he could make something new within me.  The more my pride was showing itself in different ways, the clearer it was that he was speaking to me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was good that I was chipping away at those pieces of pride.  Even though it was necessary, it caused an unexpected storm within me.

Can I Abandon Ship

 The only way to explain these painful revelations that I too needed remolding was likened to a ship on the seas about to face hurricane Harvey or Irma full on at a category 5.  On a ship the Captain, no matter how dangerous the situation is, must stay on his ship to ensure the safety of his passengers. In an article I read from the New York Times, the writer states,

“The captain goes down with the ship” is a maritime tradition that a sea captain holds ultimate responsibility for both his ship and everyone embarked on it.  In an emergency, he will either save them or die trying.”

I wanted off this “ship” of life and commitment.  How can I not abandon the ship? The ship is going down—in my mind—my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I wanted to run for my life.  Is there someone you love that you can see has their life in pieces?  In your pursuit of helping them, are you seeing a storm start in you?  You weren’t expecting that were you?  Neither was I.  Are you tempted to abandon ship, or are you ready to anchor down and fight through the turbulence that truth sometimes bring.  Life sometimes gets confusing when God allows storms to bring you to pieces.  It was hard to receive Alejandra and God telling me that God was breaking me too! I had to ask myself: how was going down with my ship going to salvage the situation?  Well this exemplifies and embodies when Christ tells us to in Ephesians 5:

 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶ so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ that He might present to Himself the church ^[a]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”

Loving my wife like Christ loved the church not only helped me be made new, but by giving up “me” for her also brought a sanctity to our marriage that we never had before. It brought us together in ways only commitment could.

What if you are saying, David what do I do when the person isn’t my spouse?  Do I still have to give myself for this person?  Look at what John15:13

¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

God is not looking for us to take our lives physically but more spiritually.  Are you willing for God to put YOU on the potter’s wheel so that YOU can help someone else?  It is so easy to drag loved ones to the potter’s wheel and show God the imperfections of their heart, spirit and thought life.  We can easily tell God what needs to be different for them to live a victorious life, but while we stand at the imperfect clay life our loved ones have, will we willingly climb next to them and echo the words in Psalms 139

²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Let’s pray,

Father, we thank your mercy and grace. We especially thank you for our spouse. Lord you know the problems and headaches that may arise in marriage, but we also know the beauty and love there is in marriage as well. Barbara Rainey says “that the beauty of marriage is that two injured, imperfect, sinful souls can live together in harmony and thereby demonstrate to the world that the intentions of God’s original, beautiful, redemptive design are possible.” Teach us Lord this statement is true. I also lift up those friends or family members who we have committed our hearts to being there for them in a painful time.  Help us to have the courage to go on the wheel for them so we can be what they need us to be.  So we invite you to our hearts and our relationships. We praise you for victory and above all, your unfailing love. In your beautiful name we pray, Amen.

Weekly Challenge:

Read Romans 9:20-25.  Is there an area that God is trying to work on you as well as your hurting loved one but you feel it’s all about them?  Take some time to be honest with yourself and God about the areas that you need to change but maybe pride has weaseled in.

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