A Hopeless 10 Year Old??

Last year I was doing a course for school where I had to read a book called, “Counseling People God’s Way” by Tim Clinton. In the first few pages I was hit with a painful statistic. Between the ages of 10 and 14 years of age, the leading cause of death was suicide, and that was over 10 years ago. My two girls are in that age range. What makes a child at the age of 10 think that there this world has no hope so they take their own lives?

In the last 4 weeks, we have been looking at how to prevent harm from coming to our children from a spiritual aspect. I know that maybe there are some of you who have more questions, but I will revisit this topic again in the future. I would love to cover more ground, but today I want to get a bit deeper with you on the physical harm that comes to our kids when they are faced with trauma. My cousin forwarded a lecture by Nadine Harris where she takes a little under 20 minutes to talk about what our kids are going through. When we talk about trauma we are not talking about disciplining your child, grounding or taking away something they love because of bad behavior. Trauma can be categorized as having a parent addicted to a substance, abuse of any kind or continuous neglect.

Nadine spoke about how this kind of exposure changes a child in so many ways. Let’s use my tomato plant for example… When I saw my tomato plant growing, I noticed it was starting to bend so I took a strong stick and tied it to the stick so that it could grow tall and strong. My pastor and his wife have a garden, but she couldn’t keep up with it and neglected it. It grew tomatoes, lots of them, but the plant was so bent that the fruit was getting rotten and not growing correctly. When we don’t give our children what they need to grow – love, stability, the right atmosphere and care – they will grow, but they will grow crooked, broken, and their minds will rot.

Children Will Never Adapt To Trauma

Ignoring the obvious, why is it necessary to have love, stability, care and a good atmosphere in order to raise a healthy child? Well, I will use the scenario Nadine described. Imagine your 12 year old is in a forest and was face to face with a bear… Adrenaline and cortisol releases signals to the other parts of their body that they are in trouble, so their heart beats rapidly and causes their eyes to dilate. These responses also tell them to “fight or flight” – run or defend themselves. Now this kind of reaction is perfect for a one time situation in a forest with a bear. The problem is that your child goes home with the bear. They live with the bear, sleep with it and wake up to the bear in their face.

It was never ever God’s design for children to keep releasing these hormones. It is a defense mechanism for a random moment, but when they are constantly released, this causes a delay or decrease in brain development. When I was doing a study of the different stages people go through from birth to death, I was hit with a very painful fact. This study showed that children being abused between the ages of 3 and 6 will urinate on themselves because that part of their brain is not developing like others. Just reading that one part made me breakdown as an adult because I was never ever able to hold my bowels when my father just walked in the room and looked at me with anger. My body was calling out for help. The part of the brain that controls certain things like that can take longer to develop.

That isn’t just the only thing trauma affects. Regular releases of these stress hormones breaks down a child’s immune system. When I was younger I developed severe stomach problems. There were many nights that I woke up in my own vomit because I used to just throw up all over my bed and sleep through it. It is not uncommon for intestinal problems, flu, colds, asthma, migraines and other things to plague a child in these situations because their body doesn’t know how to handle the stress facing them. Nadine said most children in these cases have a shorter life span by 20 years!

When a child is living like this, they battle with depression, heart disease, and lung cancer later on in life. When hearing all of this how should I be shocked that the third leading cause of death in kids between the ages of 10-14 was suicide? A child’s make up totally changes because these high doses of stress activation effects their pleasure and reward center. This would explain why kids get involved in early sexual activity, sexual addiction and substance abuse. It also reduces their ability to control their impulses and learning which may be the reason most these kids have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), or even Bipolar Disorder.

They Need Our Help

What does all of this information mean for us? Well, maybe you are an adult or even a teen who went through some of these things. I’m hoping that something I said opened your eyes and gave you some answers to some of your issues. You have to know that God can and will help you – one way is he blessed us with Christian counselors and therapists who are capable of helping you. Some people think that once you’re saved you are completely healed and you should move on and get over your trauma, but that is so unfair in so many ways. When someone with cancer gives their hearts to the Lord for the first time, do we tell them by God’s stripes they are healed so they don’t need to go to chemotherapy or radiation treatment? Absolutely not. Do we tell them to get over it or move on? No, we pray with them and continue to support medical help. Don’t allow people to diminish your battle with your abuse and neglect to a 5-second prayer and a one-verse scripture reading. Value your process of healing. I went through 6 months of counseling with my dear friend Louie Vega when I was in my early twenties. Something tragic happened and I was just so stuck that I could not get out of my own head. Those 6 months may have given me back 20 years of my life.

Now if you are a parent to one of these precious children, these children cannot give you a roadmap to their hurt. They are struggling to handle what is going on. You need to ask God for wisdom, but also look into getting your child professionally evaluated. These kids are living their lives like those tomato plants. They are drooped over and growing crooked. Prayer is awesome, but let us look at this scripture…

“Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses.” Timothy 5:23

What does this have to do with what we are talking about? Well, Paul, who had been healing the sick, raising the dead and casting out demons from everyone else, doesn’t tell Timothy, his spiritual son, to fast, pray 7 days, and click his ruby slippers together. He gives him sound simple advice. I am doing the same to you: if your child has changed and you suspect it is from trauma, you need to take sound, professional advice.

In God’s world it is never too late to get straightened out, but it’s a long process and you need to be patient. Be aware that your lack of patience or even enabling can make things worse. So you will need some guidance. When my daughter started struggling with her vision and we got her glasses, the ophthalmologist came out and made me look through a distorted lens so I could get a feel of what she had been going through. Your child’s trauma is not just their issue, but yours too. It’s not time for guilt, denial and fear, but it is time for action and a plan. You will need counseling as well so that you can get a better understanding of the lens they are looking through.

If you need to talk a little more but in a private setting, please feel free to contact so that we can help you. You don’t have to do it alone.