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Entry 14-No One Even Notices

Dear Marsha,

You asked what giving up looks like.  Giving up is the hardest and easiest thing to do. When you’re a Christian, suicide can’t be the way out. Hell, and fire await the ones who decide to play God. But when you’ve tried everything to just get better and nothing changes, it doesn’t seem that horrible. To just, turn it all off. Think about it, who is really going to miss you? I don’t have many friends. Hey, half of the time I’m having a mental breakdown, no one notices. It could be that people notice and just won’t give a damn. They’re just tired of my issues. They are probably tired of me. It doesn’t matter if I’m trying to be a good friend, I have mental illness. It draws the line from me having a meaningful friendship. No one wants me in their life like that. They just want to know you exist, do their good deed for you and that’s it. Being alone is the best option at this point. Why? You won’t be continually hurt by the people around you. Isolation is a safety net. Cause if I ever decided I had to end it….no one would really be affected by it. They will mourn and move on. There burden will be lifted, and they will no longer have to deal with me.

-Miss Misery

A Recipe For Disaster

Dear Miss Misery,

My heart breaks for you because I know that this was not easy to admit.  What Christian wants to talk about suicide and the thoughts of feeling unwanted?  I know that you can’t just turn your thoughts off but there is one thing that I have not spoken about but is worth talking about.  We spend a lot of time talking about God but don’t talk about the enemy.  The enemy spends as much time as he can trying to get us to doubt ourselves and our self-worth.  Yes I know that we think things but when you get to a place where you feel like you can’t turn it off, then you have to remember that Satan comes on the scene.

I was a teenager when I thought seriously about committing suicide.  I looked over a very icy lake at a retreat center and grief, hopelessness and anger came over me like never before.  I didn’t think there was any way I could escape from what I was going through.  There was something that God said to me that I will say to you, “If you will trust God through this journey, do everything he asks of you, he will get you out of this pit.”  When God said that to me, I was not free the next day.  I had to take everything one day at a time and before I knew it, I was miles away from where I was at that retreat center.

Now being so far from that moment in time I can see that Satan was trying to keep me from my potential and the blessings God has for me.  Twenty-two plus years and four children later, I can say that God had something so great for me that Satan knew that suicide was his only hope.  The enemy also knows that God has so much for you and he is trying to keep you from it.

Isolation is a recipe for disaster.  The more you separate yourself from people the more overthinking could happen.  When you are alone there is no one to snap you out of your funk or keep you distracted from your thoughts

Are there things that bring you any joy or give you satisfaction?

Marsha