Samuel is going to continue sharing about his challenges of being a fatherless father. 

The Double Life of a 16 yr old

On April 16^th (Which was Easter Sunday this year) our oldest son turned 16 years old.  This marked a whole new era of parenting for us as he is reminding us almost daily that he can now legally drive.  Any chance he can get even if it is to move the car from one spot to another he asks the question, “Can I drive the car?” This birthday also marked for us the day 16 years ago when we entered into the realm of parenthood.  As a new parent, I had my worries of: Can I provide for him, will he love me, but what really scared me was this year right here.  I was worried about raising my son through the years where he was most in need of a father.  Can a father ever be enough for their children?

I lost my dad at the age of 11, just as I was about to turn 12.  Between that and the years leading up to the age of 16, I did stupid stuff, some of which I can’t really remember.   I recall 16 though and the crazy views I had of right and wrong.   I’m not going to say for sure that I would have made different choices had my dad been around.  I don’t know if that would be true.   What I can be sure of is this; his presence would have definitely helped.   By the time I turned 16, I had already lost my virginity, had a really warped view of what love was, had low self- esteem, and was contemplating suicide.  Very, very few people knew this about me, as I kept my personal life to myself. I maintained a big smile on my face and was very social in other areas.  Now I was 16, my year of lies and dishonesty.

I wasn’t a horrible teen.  In fact, I tried to be there for as many people as possible, as best I could.  That’s just the way I was.  When it came to myself, I kept my struggles and thoughts all locked in.  I wasn’t honest with people about what I was thinking, or feeling.  I lied to my mom and others to hide what was really going on with me.  I became angry at friends who took advantage of me and made me feel not as “cool” as them but hid it so as not to show them what they did or said, affected me.  I never felt the need or was ever tempted to do drugs, or smoke even though over half of my friends at both church and school did.  That stuff was garbage to me.  I just thought it was dumb.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

So, here I am now, 40years old and my son is at that age where I doubted all that I was and wondered what value I had to this world.  I don’t know about you, but I wondered, “Will I be able to give my children what they need to survive in this world?”  I’m not talking about physically or economically.  I’m more concerned about mentally and spiritually.  Though I had men of God step up and help me through different areas of life, as I said last week, I had my issues.  When my oldest son was born, like I said earlier, this was the year I feared the most.  What if he hates life the way I began to?  How will he handle his inner demons, I thought.    

By the time my son was born, I was already involved in youth ministry and learned quite a bit about teens and home life.  I went in knowing that the way in which I interpreted the world to my kids would play 70% of how they would see life, and their purpose in it.  These thoughts, along with others, scared me because I was so focused on my weaknesses.  I had inner struggles that, more times than I wish to admit, overpowered my better judgment and caused me to fail.  Loving my kids would not be the issue.  I was more concerned if I could show them how to survive in this world.  Did I possess enough knowledge to help them face their own struggles and pains?  Will I be able to notice when something is wrong with them emotionally and/or spiritually?  Then one day this verse came to me.

“May the God of HOPE, fill you with all joy and peace as you TRUST in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

I finally realized that I was allowing my love for them to push me in the wrong direction.  I let it make me feel that I wasn’t adequate to be their father.  I let it consume me into a point of view that made me feel ashamed and not worthy of the responsibility of raising them.  I know crazy, right?  It just clicked in my head from that point on.  “What I think I can or cannot do, is not the point right now.  I am a child of God and He has trusted me with these children.  It is a great responsibility, but it is one that He will guide me through if I seek Him and His wisdom.”  He entrusted me so I will trust Him.  I needed to believe that He was going to equip me with what I required to get the job done.

Though You Can’t God Can

That was the day I took a stand to not be wavered in how I see myself.  I made a choice to follow God without fear of man and of what I believed my circumstances to be.   Now I know for some it may not be this simple.  What worked for me may not work for you, but the point is this, at some point, it has to “click” in your mind that if you are going to truly walk in faith, there has to be a part of you that accepts that though you can’t, God can.  When you accept that He can, He will “fill you with joy and peace AS YOU trust in Him…”  See before my “hope” was in what I could do on my own strength.  Now my hope is in God and His unlimited strength.

That new way of thinking impacted many things in my life, not just my role as a father.  The major change in my actions was prayer.  I prayed for real.  I established a new and stronger relationship with God where He and I spoke to one another.  I learned how to meditate on Him and soak in His presence.  It made me bold because I knew who I belonged to and who had my back.  I knew it before, but now I KNOW.  I felt Him in my life.  I had new passion and courage to move forward understanding that no matter what would happen it would be okay.  Why?  Because I was following His direction and He was not going to lead me astray.

Through prayer, I saw life differently and there were some things I learned that I would like to share, to encourage you.

1. Understand that you are not serving a God that does for others but won’t do for you. He wants to do the same thing for you as he has done for others.  He will help you in whatever area you need.
2. Accept the truth that God doesn’t just want to help you, but he wants to challenge, encourage and use you to do something bigger than you.
3. In order to see life differently, you not only need to speak to God, but learn to listen as well. You can’t just ask God to “fix this and give me that”.  It has to be, “how do I…and teach me how to…”  A strong prayer life will guide you through those complicated and weak areas of life.  For me, it was my uneasiness of whether I could do this father thing. In times of conversation (prayer) He will teach you, inspire you and mold you.

When you understand Romans 15:13 nothing God does will surprise you.  I discovered that if He set me on a path, I wasn’t going to go on it alone.  The more I understood that the stronger I became in trusting who I served.  He can do the same for you, but you have to come to a point of understanding that relying on just your own strength is not enough.  To truly trust God means to truly follow Him.  If you still do things your way, on your terms and expect God to follow along you’re not trusting in Him, your trying to control Him.  As C.S. Lewis described Aslan, a representation of Christ, in the Chronicles of Narnia “He is not a tamed lion, you cannot control him.  He will do as he seems fit.”   Allow God to show you that He is able to make you more than enough.  Develop a “true time of prayer” with Him and discover your new way of seeing life.

-Samuel

Weekly Challenge:

This week really did challenge our trust factor with God concerning our children.  This week take some time to read about a man by the name of Abraham.  He was over 100 years old when he finally got his son Isaac.  He loved this child so much, so God tested Abraham’s trust in God over his love for his son when he asks him to sacrifice his son.  See how what happens, would he obey or would he let his fear of losing his child cause him to disobey in Genesis 22:1-19.

Also if you have enjoyed the pictures on our website, Elizabeth Madaia photography is opening up their summer schedules for all those that follow Through the Winters ministry.  If you can get to the Suffolk County area you can get a 10% discount when you give the code THRUTHEWINTERS when ordering your package.  You can go to Elizabeth Madaia Photography Facebook to see all the different options and pictures.

Feel free to comment below or email me on the side if you would like to have a private conversation.  We appreciate you!!