Giving Yourself A Piece of Your Mind

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What does life look like when we don’t forgive ourselves?  My oldest daughter Rachel is a sweet kid.  She has so many awesome qualities about her.  She is dedicated, faithful, determined, caring, kind…blah blah blah.  Some of you may be thinking that every parent feels this about their child so why should I go on about my amazing daughter?  Anywho, this wonderful child also has a bad quality, she is super forgetful.  When she had to get glasses it was the same question over and over again, “Have you seen my glasses?”  “Did you move my glasses?”  She spent 22 hrs out of her day looking for things, find them and just to lose them again.  

One day we were all downstairs watching T.V. when I noticed Rachel was missing.  I went upstairs half way to hear her having a very intense, firm even brutal conversation with…herself.  She asked herself why she was so forgetful?  Why she couldn’t get it and why she could never remember anything?  With tears running down her face she went on to tell herself all the things she wasn’t and how she failed herself over and over again.  This one-sided conversation died down, but I could not help feeling bad for her.  

Self Talk

Have you ever had a conversation like this with yourself?  This story may seem funny to some, but some of us are the same way.  It is sad that so many people are angry with themselves due to their inability to meet their own expectations.   One of the sins my husband and I have had to counsel some young people were sexual addiction.  Many of them, along with grown adults, battle with fighting the urge to give in to their sexual desires and are prisoners to this addiction.  Tears have streamed down the faces of boys and girls who have been held captive to this relentless struggle.  

I am not ignorant of this bondage, between 6-13 years of age, I too was held captive to it myself, and I’m very sympathetic to the issues that come along with this struggle.  Many times I broke down crying because even though my heart wanted to do the right thing, I fell prey to my own flesh.  

What does one feel about themselves when they are constantly failing over and over again?  Many of these young people felt dirty, unworthy, worthless and disqualified from the positive messages that they heard preached on a Sunday.  They felt separated from God and his written word because they just didn’t know how He could love them and look past their sins.  They questioned the depths of God’s love and felt as if they were drowning.  They continued to measure themselves day by day by their victories and failures.  

Is not forgiving yourself more dangerous than not forgiving someone else?  Last week, I talked about the meaning of un-forgiveness in the metaphoric sense and not necessarily by its literal definition. Unforgiveness is a prison that holds someone captive till they are set free.  I said we fool ourselves into believing that this act of un-forgiveness is keeping the one who hurt us chained up or imprisoned but that’s not the case.  The one who experiences imprisonment is the one who refuses to let go of the offense.  They carry the burdens and memories of the hurt done to them and allow it to fester within their soul.  So living in unforgiveness is placing yourself in a prision that you have the key to.

What does it look like to live in unforgiveness against yourself?   I feel that not being able to forgive yourself can be a more significant battle than having to forgive someone else.  It can leave an individual crippled from being able to move forward in their life and not to mention what it could do mentally and emotionally.  Look at Matthew 22:39 says that we are to love our neighbor the way we love ourselves.  What happens when you have trouble loving yourself?  If it is hard for someone to love another because of un-forgiveness, wouldn’t it be a struggle for many that harbor against themselves?  

When we can’t forgive ourselves we are no different than my daughter Rachel; who made it a habit of reminding herself how much of a failure she was.  You can become your own devil, your own accuser.  We don’t need Satan himself to shout out our failures or flaws because we have them all written down and review them in our heads.  So many have had good things happen to them, only to sabotage it because they didn’t think it was what they deserved.  They believe that all the wrong done to them, is well deserved; as a result of their mistakes.   

My mother was a devout Christian before my father came into her life.  She knew that my father was unsaved; however, she wanted to be with him even though he was not living his life as a believer.  After a few years of marriage, she knew that she had slipped away from living the life she once dedicated herself to.  She didn’t know what to do, so she forsook her faith altogether.  Six or so years into their marriage, my parents became renters of a house that was converted into a church every Sunday.  They went to every service; they really didn’t have a choice.  After listening to a few of the messages, my mother felt compelled to give her heart back to the Lord.  It was like my father felt what she was thinking and he said to her, “If you ever go up to that altar I will leave you.”  She had a decision to make that Sunday.  She went to the throne of God that day to do one thing—to lay down her salvation at God’s feet.  She told God, “I can’t risk losing my husband.  I don’t want you to ever talk to me again because I choose him over you.”  My mother‘s life from that point was a spiral of, wrong choices, confusion, struggle, pain, hurt and loss.  

At the age of 13, I had such a burden for my mother that all I could do was cry for her.  My older brother and I spoke to her continuously about God, not knowing her desire to remove God from her life,  she rejected all of our invitations.  She didn’t reject because she didn’t want to accept him back, but because she thought that she wasn’t worthy of his love.  It wasn’t until my father passed away that God intervened as if to say, “He’s gone now.  Are you still going to choose him over me?”   My mother did not think she was worthy of God’s invitation because she felt that she had committed the most unforgivable sin.  The battle for my mother’s heart was on.  It wasn’t a matter of God forgiving her—it was now about her forgiving herself.  The scales on her eyes were removed, and it was then that she realized that if God was fighting this hard for her then he had to have forgiven her.  He knew what she had done, but he cared more about having her heart than reminding her of her wrongs.  

So What Do We Have to Do?

 First, we need to know that forgiving ourselves is having the willingness to hand over the keys of judgment and condemnation to God.  We have to be willing to give up our job as judge and jury over our mistakes.  

Second, we have to refuse to listen to the lies we tell ourselves that Jesus blood covers all sins except our own.  When we think of his sacrifice on the cross it doesn’t just cover others sins but it covers ours as well.    As much as we want to think that it’s humility and guilt, our reason for not accepting God’s gift of forgiveness is rooted in pride, stubbornness, and self-centeredness. 

Lastly, we need to think about the question Peter asked Jesus, “How many times do I have to forgive my brother?”  Well, let’s change it to “How many times do I have to forgive myself?”  What was Jesus’ answer…490 times(scripture).  Does it mean that we do the same sin 490 times?  Maybe.  My thought is that we may bring to mind 490 times the wrong we have done, and it is our responsibility to forgive ourselves that many times about each offense.  

What happened to my mother because she did not forgive herself?  Well she stayed away from God for almost  15 years, and in that time my own life spiraled downward, and the man she chose almost took my life and her relationship with all of her children was almost completely severed.  

Keeping yourself in the bondage of un-forgiveness is just a trap, and you don’t realize that the longer you stay bound, the greater the mistakes.  I believe that it would be better to let yourself off the hook and let God deal with you as he sees fit.  I am convinced by his resume’ with me that God will never treat us as we deserve.   

Weekly Challenge:

“Well, Marsha how do I take that first step to forgive myself?” You need to be honest with God about the things that you are struggling with. Be honest with him. Tell him why you don’t think you deserve forgiveness. Then surrender your thinking over to God and allow him to create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit within you. Read Psalm 51 and meditate on verse 4. If you need help, please email me or comment at your comfort below. Lastly, if you would like to hear more about my testimony, read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free. You can also buy the full book on Amazon.