ME…

What posses the most threat to your life at this moment?  When I mean life, I don’t necessarily mean the action of existing through the act of breathing and moving.  I mean, is there something that is threatening your ability to thrive as you are meant to?  What is keeping you from thriving?  For the month of April, we only scratched the surface of what it really means to be a warrior.  There has to come a time when we stop running from the very things that bring us fear and fight back so much so that we bring fear to our enemy.  There are times when the enemy waits till we are in a good place to order fire on us; we must inquire of the Lord for every move we make.  We addressed the question, what causes a warrior to emerge?  Sadly, a warrior is made from some of the most heart-wrenching circumstances.  During these times, we realize that in becoming a warrior you must surround yourself with mighty men as well.  

With everything that life has to throw at us, one must wonder what is the biggest challenge in being that warrior God has called us to be?  Well let me tell you every morning I wake up, say a prayer and depending on the day I either study my word, listen to a sermon or dream. Dream? Yes, there are times when I lay in my bed and dream with my eyes open. I allow myself to dream the destiny that I think God has dropped in my spirit. I think about this ministry “Through the Winters” and dream of all the people God is going to place before me to help. I think about rewriting my first book and getting my story into the hands of people who feel like there is no hope.

These dreams are my ammo against the lies of Satan.  Today, they are dreams but one day I hope to make them a reality.  There is only one person standing in front of me, that keeps me from turning these dreams into reality.  One who doesn’t think I can make it?  Do you know who it is that is constantly reminding me of my failures, my shortcomings, and my weaknesses? Yes, you guessed it…ME. 

I have learned that over the course of my life my worst enemy was hiding in my own head, masking my critical thoughts as something else. My worst enemy wasn’t my abusive father. It wasn’t even the cousin who molested me. My worst enemy isn’t the devil. It would be so much easier for me if these characters were, then I would have to fight. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Sabotage

You and I share the same enemy, it’s in a different form, but it’s the same.  Each morning, I look my enemy in the eyes after I finish my devotion. The one who can stand in the way of everything God has for me that day and it’s…me.  The one trying to sabotages my progress with God is me.  I am my worst enemy and you are yours.  I am more powerful than Satan in this area. I can get into my own head with free access.  I can talk myself out of obeying God.  I can make flesh and blood my foe.  I can turn my Savior into my adversary. If  I am creative enough I can see evil in good and good in evil.  I’m always present when I fail and doubting myself when I am victorious.  Where Satan lie and try to persuade me, I can create ideas about myself and my destiny— in secret where no one hears but me and God.  I talk myself out of the promises of God and jump to the front of the line to accuse myself of my own wrongs.  I don’t need Satan to remind of my faults because I tattooed them on the frontal lobe of my mind.  I give him ideas on how to bring me to my own demise. Who needs Satan when we have ourselves?  Truth is sometimes I label my attack, “Satanic” just to protect the real enemy which is, again, me.

I remember when I was in my early teens and my father had passed away.  I sat on my bed thinking about an experience I had at a youth convention.  It was at this convention that the Lord showed me that he had a husband and a family for me.  The thought of having a husband and children was so far from my mind at that time that I could not wrap my mind around it.  During that time I was friends with a young man in the youth group whom I really liked.  He was the only other person, besides my best friend, I had told about my past.  I felt so good being able to share it with my own peers and to talk to them when I felt hurt.  Unfortunately, I did not see him for his true self.  The young man soon found out that I started liking him and he took advantage of it and I let him.

He continued to ask “favors” of me, and when I wouldn’t give into his request, he would violate me, talk down to me and make me feel like trash.  He was not at fault for this, I was.  Hear me out.  I wasn’t at fault for his violation but I was at fault for thinking I couldn’t get anything better. I even thought that if I were to marry him—or anyone like him—I probably deserved whatever abuse I received. I figured that this was as good a gift as God could give such a screwed up person like myself.  I was so wrong.  The husband God had for me was an example of his goodness and mercy.  He doesn’t give us what we deserve—otherwise, there would be no grace or mercy.

I heard Pastor Steven Furtick quote from Charles Spurgeon once saying,  “My greatest enemy is myself. Beware of no man more than of yourself: We carry our worst enemies within us.”

When I am dreaming with my eyes open, I am laying next to a man that I thought was impossible to have. I say “good morning” to the four miracles whom I can hold in my arms.  I then make my way into the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror and doubt every single dream I just dreamt of God.  I tell myself how everything I saw in my heart is too expensive, too uncomfortable, too farfetched and too radical. 

How do I fight myself though?   Just before I can count my own self out, I must do what Steve Furtick said to do: “consume, consume.” I need to allow my most consuming thoughts to be consumed by the truth of God.  That’s one of the most powerful ways to fight your greatest enemy.  I am comforted that my most consuming, painful, reminders of my brokenness, is no match for the promise God has.  He is going to finish the good work he has started in me (Phil 1:6).  

When I think to myself that what lies before me is impossible, I say instead, “Yes this is impossible, AMEN, because when it is impossible for me, it IS possible with God!!”  When I think I am a weak, cowardly sinner, I remember that with Christ I am a called, justified, glorified child of God who is MORE than a conqueror!  Listen, God doesn’t just want me to stop at conquering. He wants me to do MORE than just conquering (Romans 8:30).

Weekly Challenge:

Read Philippians 1:6 and Romans 8:30 for yourself.  Friend, you don’t have to be a helpless victim of your thoughts. This is not an easy enemy to fight. You can’t do it alone. What are the sabotages you set yourself up for so that you don’t have what God intended? Take the time to get a journal, a sheet of paper, or even your phone and write them down. Then step back for a moment. Have you totally given your life over to God so that you can let His word consume you? If not, what is holding you back?  We would love to hear from you in the comments below or via email.

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