Over the last four years of writing my articles, I have met several people; had conversations with many hurting people.  It never gets old, when I meet someone who reads my articles and see themselves in something I wrote.  Over time I have posted people’s testimonies of loss, depression, domestic violence, drug addiction and more but there is one person who has challenged me the most.  She has never shared her story because she doesn’t have a happy ending yet.  She doesn’t see what I see yet, she doesn’t have the complete freedom yet.  I don’t know how many of you can agree that you hear all the advice, the encouragement and it just seems so far from you.  Well this young lady, we will call her Miss. Misery, has agreed to write to me in her disappear.  She isn’t going to wait for her breakthrough before sharing what she is and has gone through.  Her upcoming letters will be posted on a separate section of the website called, “Miss. Misery.”  We are going to be tackling depression this month so I thought it would be fitting to introduce to you Miss. Misery.

Entry 1-This is Me

Dear Marsha…

There is something about putting your feelings to paper that makes them too real. As for me, avoiding my feelings is what I choose daily. I see it as my own form of “sanity,” so writing to you  may give me some release. If you are a person like me, feelings are bad.  Feelings only lead down a deep, dark hole and once you realize what is going on, it’s too late. You’ve reached the bottom. You look up at the circular entrance of the hole you talked yourself into. You realize it is a small speck with the least bit of light you can see. You start freaking out. You convince yourself you have to climb out of this hole. You knock your feet into the walls of dirt and dig your fingers so deep in hopes you can’t pull yourself up. “I have to get OUT!”. You’re screaming this to yourself at this point. You finally get out. You take deep breaths and swear you’re never going back in. But it’s all a lie. Cause you will talk yourself into jumping back in again. Regardless of what you went through to climbing out, you will always jump back in.

Depression is a form of torment and anxiety is it’s my friend. Many times you convince yourself “You’re never going to get that bad again”. But it happens again. The idea of God coming to your rescue becomes a fantasy. Now, Marsha, you may think I’m crazy. But hear me out. If God is super big and mighty, how is it that I find myself in the same situation, over and over again? Crying till my eyes are swollen. Not being able to breathe cause something heavy is on my chest. My bad thoughts are in this constant loop in my head, fighting myself, desperate to scream at the top of my lungs “HELP!”…..But He does nothing. He doesn’t heal me from this. He doesn’t magically appear in human form and rock me to sleep telling me everything is ok. I get so mad at Him. Reading his word isn’t comforting. Hearing the pastor preach doesn’t motivate me. Please understand, this is not just a day of hopelessness. These are days of being fully convinced that I am not good enough and nothing else is good enough and that life here, on this earth, is not good enough.

I remember the first time I was told that I have this issue. I thought “Wow, we finally found out why I’ve had emotional problems. Maybe I’ll be better now since I know how I need to handle this.” I was completely fooled by my optimism. I didn’t think about how much WORK I would have to do to stay sane. I wasn’t prepared for this.

-Miss Misery

Hello Miss. Misery,

I want to first tell you that I am so appreciative that you allowed me, and others, to enter your world of fear, anxiety and depression.  It’s not easy and I will never, ever take these entries for granted.  You are in a very raw moment of your life and you are taking a huge chance.  So let me address some things that you said…

Feelings are liars, deceptive, fickle and unpredictable but either way, feelings are real to you.  They may seem bad but they are real.  They are never to be ignored even though they can push you to do things that you will later regret.   In the world that you are living in your feelings are real so I will never devalue any feelings you do express.

I think what is interesting is that the very pit you have found yourself in is a pit you feel your self-talk has dug for you.  When we are alone with ourselves the conversation and dialogue you have, does play a significant part on the path you walk on.  When you call yourself ugly, stupid, dumb, unwanted, hated, failure, loser, or anything negative in that nature–it wounds your soul even more than it already is.  You can’t talk yourself into a pit when you speak positively of yourself.

When we keep finding ourselves in the pit we hate and we blame ourselves, I have to question how you feel about yourself?  I think my heart went out to you because the same place you fight to get out of is the same place you go back to for comfort.  It makes sense because even tough your feelings are real, feelings aren’t truth and someone times facing truth, facing change, facing somethings that bring you pain can make you want to go back in.  The truth is that some thing major needs to happen and if you do not have the necessary support or encouragement, it can cause you to retreat to what you know even though it’s a place of torture.  It is better to fight a demon you know than to face an unknown demon at times. I hope that makes sense.  It doesn’t mean you don’t want change.

When I read that depression was your friend it was something I could understand but it’s more like a companion that refuses to give up on you even though you feel like life has.  Everything else has failed you, in your mind, but depression always delivers what it promises–hopelessness.  Anyone reading my response to you must understand something important, clinical depression needs to be diagnosed by a doctor and–if necessary–medication prescribed.

You asked the questions that many asked over times in their life, “If God is super big and mighty, how is it that I find myself in the same situation, over and over again?”  You should ask that kind of question and other questions because it is valid.  I would love to answer this but I would love to learn more about you.  I would like to hear about your past, your relationship with others and maybe why you are here.  No one gets here overnight.  No one eats dinner with hopelessness and helplessness regularly.  Someone failed you, and I don’t know what is and if you are willing to share that in your next entry that you be awesome.

I would like to ask you, how long have you been serving the Lord and were you always struggling with depression in your walk with God. It seems like you were diagnosed and then it was a relief…to finally get understanding on why you did what you did.  I am looking forward to hearing from you next month.

-Marsha