Turning Insight into Insecurities

What do you do when you see the potential of your child, but they themselves won’t go after it?   How do you parent a child that you may feel is unqualified?  Well let me tell you about a woman who did trust God to do what he said he would do.  There were three women in Genesis with whom God spoke directly about their children: Eve, Hagar and Rebecca.  Rebecca was the first woman recorded to have twins. They were Jacob and Esau.  Jacob was the father of the Israelites.  If you are not familiar with this person, let me give you a quick back story.  Before Jacob was a father of a nation, he was a swindler, a deceiver and a trickster—that’s what “Jacob” means.  At the age of almost 80 years old he was living at home unmarried and manipulated by his mother.

When Rebecca was pregnant with the boys, they were fighting in her stomach.  She was so overwhelmed that she prayed to God for answers.  It was then that God told her there were two nations in her stomach (this was the first sonogram so to speak).  God went on to say that the younger son would rule over the older one.  It is written in the bible that Jacob became her favorite, while Esau was her husband Isaac’s favorite.  Rebecca instilled in Jacob that being the second was not enough when she manipulated him at almost 80 years of age to trick her blind husband, to bless Jacob over Esau.  She helped nurture his insecurities, his need for acceptance by her even though he was way passed  his change of life.

For the last four months we have been using Steven Furtick’s book Unqualified to get a better insight on how to handle the shortcomings of life. In his book Steven states,“If you are a parent, you have the awesome responsibility of helping your children realize who they are.  You have a God-given insight into their identities, and get to play a part in bringing those insights to light” Pg. 143.  As a parent, we are given a better picture of the destiny God has for our kids.  The honor we have—being  a little like God—seeing the possible path laid out for our kids, does not give us license to manipulate, swindle or control the way in which God accomplishes his plan.  Our need for control may produce a child with unnecessary insecurities, fears, and a warped self-image.

When Enough Isn’t Enough

Jacob was a twin but, due to the fact that he was second born, he felt inferior because of the benefits Esau received because of the order of delivery.  How do you handle it when you watch lazy, unmotivated, unfaithful people receive blessings for nothing?  We watch from a distance while these people take advantage of the thing you scratch the walls to get.  You work hard, study, train just to receive half of what other people receive just for showing up.  At times, we think life isn’t fair.  We want to even out the playing field, but that would mean taking on the character of those we despise just so we can receive what we feel belongs to us.

Jacob knew that Esau would get a special blessing and the birthright.  It wasn’t enough that his mother was told by God that he would be the stronger of the two boys, that he would be the ruler and the one to be blessed.  Jacob wanted to insure he would receive his blessing by pretending to be his brother.  One day when his brother Esau came back from a hunting trip, the bible says he was “famished”, so famished that Jacob wouldn’t allow him to eat the stew he made without Esau trading his birthright.   Esau fell into, what the Christian community calls, the worst trade ever.  Stew was given for the blessings of the first born.

Identity Abuse?

If that wasn’t enough,  Jacob’s mother, Rebecca, overheard the conversation between her husband and her own son, Esau. Her husband was ready to die and give out blessings to his favorite son.  While Esau was away preparing their father’s favorite food, Rebecca convinced her 80 year old son, Jacob, to take on the clothes of his brother  tricking his blind father into blessing him over his brother.  His mother’s manipulation made him believe that the only way to get the blessing that God had for him was to be someone that he was not.  Steven Furtick said something that I have NEVER heard before,  “If you grew up in a dysfunctional environment, if you were a victim of identity abuse, comparison, manipulation, or favoritism, know that God longs to reveal the true you” pg.144.   I never heard of the term Identity abuse before.  If I were to give my own definition of this phrase by adding the definition of identity and abuse it would be, “anger, and harshness stressed verbally in hope to injure or damage someone due to  character, personality , individuality even identification.”

I would say that Jacob was a victim of identity abuse because who God called him to be, and his status in the family, was never received by his father.  Sadly, his mother’s insistence was her willingness to destroy his relationship with his brother and father forever.  She placed everything that Jacob had, even his relationship with her, on the altar to be sacrificed so she could be happy.   Excellent parenting starts by a parent realizing what their role, and place, is in their children’s life and in every new chapter of their children’s lives.  Bad parenting is when we overstep our boundaries with their creator and misunderstand that our children never belonged to us.  We don’t get to choose their destiny like a road trip.  We are just as much on a trip as they are and we must remember our place is always in the front of the car as the passenger never the driver.   Steven said great parenting is about helping children value and recognize who they are and then helping them reach their God given destination.

Four Points to Parenting the Unqualified

1. It is not your place to determine if your child is unqualified or not.

You don’t have the full picture of your child’s destiny so you are not qualified to determine what unqualified looks like.   Encourage your child to give their feelings of insecurities to God who will give them security.

2. Get God’s insight on your child’s destiny.

Spend more time getting on God’s plan for your child’s life instead of spending your prayer time trying to get God on your plan.  Remember that you don’t get a vote in the direction your child goes, only their master designer.

3. Know you role and shut your mouth.

Refrain from giving your ideas on how to get to a future that is not your own.  Ultimately the life your children live will be theirs.  The things that you may be willing to sacrifice, relationships, career, talents, are not yours to sacrifice.

4. Trust your God.

When you stop to think of all the things you are in control of, you will be sobered up to the truth that you have no choice but to trust God with your children.  The areas you think you have control over, you don’t.  Actually, you have control over nothing.

Weekly Challenge:
For the last of the Unqualified series I would encourage you to listen to the very last preaching from Steven Furtick in his Unqualified series.  In his message, “Brace Yourself” Steven reminds us that those that changed the Christian world were all people that we would never think God himself would pick.  It would be awesome for you to read the story of Jacob, Esau and Rebecca for yourself in Genesis 25:19-34 and chapter 27.  Please feel free to start a conversation or email us on the side if you need some additional help.