Tomorrow Isn’t Promised

How does someone naturally react to a person being ripped out of their life unexpectedly?  It was a beautiful July day as she got herself together for work. She took for granted that her husband knew her routine so well that he made her morning tea without even a request. Shortly, after making her tea, her husband left to work on the car. On that day, she went to work at her clinic—as a medical assistant—like usual, but her day would soon turn tragic when two and a half hours later her eldest son called her; something was wrong with her husband. When her husband got on the phone, he could barely articulate the pain he was experiencing in his head. His headache was so massive he could barely think. She told him to put their son back on the phone and then she instructed her son to take his dad to the Emergency Room. After getting off the phone she told her manager that she needed to go to the hospital. She was not too worried because it sounded like a really bad migraine, he’s had those before but not this bad, but everything would be okay.  He dodged too many bullets recently, for a headache to take him out.

A little over an hour later she arrived at the ER where a patient was coding. The alarms were going off and everyone with scrubs, except her, was running to the aid of this patient. To her horror she was watching several nurses, some she knew, go to a stretcher where her husband was! He was convulsing violently, and her son was standing in complete shock. Her world was spinning, her heart seemed to stop and—at that moment—she forgot how to breathe. This couldn’t be happening, she thought. They rushed to her husband and whisked him away to another room leaving her with her son to process the sudden thought that her husband may not make it through…but that was impossible because he was just making her tea before work a few hours ago.

After what seemed like forever, she got to speak with a doctor, and it was not what she was thinking. She was expecting to hear her husband had some kind of attack, but it would be treatable or he had some kind of allergic reaction. Nothing prepared her for the diagnosis. The doctors informed her that her husband had suffered from a brain aneurism. It seemed like he had incurred some head injury as early as when he was a teenager and it slowly caused a thinning of one of his blood vessels causing a build-up and eventually and eruption.  This eruption of blood crushed his brain, which caused a stroke that was so violent that it severed his brain stem from the spinal cord. They did a series of test; the doctors lost all hope of saving him. They said it was clear he was completely brain dead and if he survived, he would be a vegetable for the rest of his life. But they thought it was only a matter of time before he passed.

This woman felt like everything was being said in slow motion and before she knew it, she was falling. Her friend caught her and seated her. This was impossible she thought.

When Death Moves In

She needed to see him, her husband of 19 years could not be leaving her at 41 years old. She walked into the room and he didn’t look like the love of her life. He was swollen and unresponsive. Sadly, this was his second time being in the hospital in 13 months. She could not believe she was here again. She spoke tenderly, yet in a joking firmness, as she told him she wasn’t going to do this again.  He couldn’t keep making this a habit every year.  A nurse was there fixing things and overheard her words. The nurse brought a sense of reality to her as she told this soon to be widow that there was no hope of recovery. She was brutal and loving enough to get this poor wife and her husband to understand what they were facing.  It was in that conversation with the nurse that my mother looked at my father’s face and tears ran the side of his eyes.  It was the only response he gave to hearing the diagnosis that there was no dodging death as he had 13 months before.

Death could not wait to move in and take over everything.  Every day, after losing my father, I was greeted by death and loss every morning and when I got off the elevator to my apartment. They strangled any forms of laughter, joy, happiness, and hope.  I understand loss and grief my friend.  So, I’d be honored to talk about your moments as well. I am sure that both of us handled things differently, but I am sure that there are some things I may understand from my own experience or from what I saw with my mother.

Even though loss is a natural part of life, humanity goes through a grieving process that differs—depending on the circumstances of the loss. There are five stages a person goes through in their grieving process and only you know where you are.  Someone that has had a major loss, experiences the following emotions—maybe not in this order but at some point in their grief process.

• First, a person may go through denial, that what they love is gone. It is very hard to believe it at the moment that you are going to wake up tomorrow—and many tomorrows after—without the thing you love.
• Second, there may even be a moment when you want to believe the loss is only temporary. When it finally hits, the following emotion maybe anger. Anger is a normal emotion to experience when the truth starts to settle in. You need someone or something to blame and that could be someone, a circumstance, God or even yourself.
• Next, depending on the circumstance, you may try to bargain your way out of the loss. If it’s a spouse or fiancée that’s leaving you, you may start asking what you can do differently to get them to stay. You start promising things that you’ll do differently to make them happy.
• Sadly, when your bargaining doesn’t change anything and it hits you that the loss is definite, then depression starts to set in. Let’s stop for a minute to explain this stage.

How do you know if you are battling with depression? Well, some go through a brief mood fluctuation or the feeling of sadness, disappointment, and frustration for a few days. Sadly, there are those that experience these same emotional challenges at a more intense level for a much longer period—weeks, months and even years. Other symptoms go along with it, like loss of interest and changes in appetite (overeating and under eating). These things can lead to prolonged feelings of hopelessness and even thoughts of suicide.

In the upcoming articles, I will be writing about those things as well as a deeper explanation of depression and some things we can do to get out of it.

• Lastly, even though depression is an uncomfortable moment for one to go through, it’s through this time that acceptance comes. Acceptance doesn’t always look pretty as it may be followed by suicidal thoughts. In a few months, I will be addressing that as well.

These Milestones

So how long does this go on?  The first year without my dad was so hard for my mother. My dad was a very domesticated husband. He cooked, he made sure to be home for me and my brother—as much as he could—and to take care of the grocery shopping. That moment when we needed to walk to the grocery store and shop without my dad was painful.  What is there to be thankful for during Thanksgiving?  Who can celebrate a season of giving when so much was taken from you?  For our family to have Father’s Day without a father just reminded us of what we lost. As the years went on the birthdays and the anniversary of the loss, is like a dagger to the heart every time. It is expected that the first year and even the second year, can be very unbearable and can feel like the pain will never end.  It is not rational to try and bounce back so quickly because if you don’t grieve properly, it can come out some other negative way.  The grieving process is different for everyone but one thing I must say, someone who remains in grief past three maybe even four years usually indicates there is something unhealthy going on and that therapy, to help the individual process properly, is necessary.

So what is my first step to getting through this time? Death got its eviction when my mother embraced life.  Not too long after my father passed away, my mother returned to the church.  She gave her heart to the Lord and knew she could not go one more day like this. She knew that she needed him to return joy, happiness, purpose, energy, and hopefulness back into her life.  I will be honest with you that the first day she went to church didn’t remove her feelings of loss and grief, nor did the 2nd or 3rd time.  In fact, her healing took months and it wasn’t until she accepted within herself that God truly loved her and would never leave her this dark place.

Let’s look at a verse found in the famous Psalms 23:4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

My mother understood that having God in her life did not mean she would never have to face death again, but that she would never have to face it alone. She would always have him with her and because of that, she had nothing to fear.  Not only was she never alone, but when she had to walk through death she knew she would have God comforting her.  He wants to be there for you like he was there for her.

Thank God my mom was able to receive healing and grieve in a healthy way but what happens when it seems like you can’t get passed this? Well, there may be some things that have surfaced from this loss.  Maybe you have hurts from the past—feelings of regret from issues that happened—that were never resolved.  It is possible that you need to consider getting help professionally.  Again, you can’t do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction. Also if you would like to hear more about my testimony read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free!  You can also buy the full book on Amazon!.

I would like to pray for you…

Lord right now I thank you for my dear friend.  They have gone through much and need your help.  God I pray that you would scoop them up and help them in this difficult time.  God allow them to feel your presence and know you are right by their side.  Show them your love and comfort in Jesus name.

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