It has been my pleasure to have One Hot Mess (OHM) sharing so transparently about her struggles with loving herself. How can we really love ourselves when we worship things other than God? OHM has done such an amazing job at sharing the things that she put in place of God Click to read, which kept her from seeing herself the way God does. This week will be no different. Let’s see what my friend has to say.

I Used to Worship People-Pleasing

I am the former President of People-Pleasers Anonymous. I used to worship people-pleasing. (I really tried to find a better way to say that, but I couldn’t think of anything. It wasn’t enough to say “I worshiped people” or “I worshiped acceptance.”)

I was obsessed with having people like me. I think the obsession stemmed from knowing what it’s like to be an outsider, feeling unworthy and unwanted. I didn’t want other people to feel the way I felt, and I know that even the best people are capable of hurting other people, so I feared hurting people’s feelings. It’s a good quality to have to treat people the way you want to be treated, but feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings is a trap. I feared hurting people’s feelings because I didn’t want to be on the outside… It was a vicious cycle. That’s why I was the president.

The Disease to Please

After a while, trying to read everyone’s mind, wondering who’s mad at you, why you weren’t invited, what they would think if you did this or that, and trying to force people to like you more than they already do (or don’t), makes you CRAZY.

I was such a people-pleaser, I let pleasing people become my god. I valued other people’s opinions and voices over God’s. Honestly, if God didn’t break through to me by allowing me to disappoint some of the people who matter most to me and deal with it, I probably would not have changed. And I’ll be honest — it hurt so much. I’m grateful for it now, but I hated it during the process.

If you’re not one of those people who struggle with people-pleasing, I seriously envy you on a jealousy-is-a-sin level. I think that very few of us don’t have an issue, and those few are either miraculously healthy (mentally and emotionally speaking) or psychopaths (no shade — Jesus loves them, too).

Good Intentions Gone Wrong
I’m not a data or stats expert, but I think most of us want to please someone — our spouse, our kids, our parents, our friends, etc… We want the people we care about to be happy, and we like to contribute toward that happiness. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, looking to the interests of others, even over our own interests, is what Jesus does. However, people-pleasing becomes an idol when your worth is defined by how much those people are happy with us.

If you’re not sure if this is an issue for you, ask yourself, “If [BLANK] wasn’t happy with me, how would I see myself?” Fill in the blank.

We are not always going to make people happy. In fact, if people were always happy with us, I would question whether we’re being authentic or honest with them, or whether we’re happy. But my opinion doesn’t matter much, let’s see what God says about people-pleasing.

What the Bible Says About People Pleasing

Paul wrote the Letter to the Galatians to confront them on some bad teaching that was being spread among some of the Galatians Christians. He said in Galatians 1:10,

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Paul then went on to address some hypocrisy he was seeing in the church, including how he called Peter out for being in the wrong about trying to make Gentile believers be circumcised like the Jewish believers. He even went so far as to say that those who wanted Gentiles to be circumcised should cut off “the whole thing.” He certainly cared more about pleasing God than pleasing people.

Do you think Paul wanted people to like him? I would be shocked if he didn’t. He knew what it was like to be rejected. When he became a Christian he wasn’t quickly accepted by others because they were afraid of him. He saw so many people as important to him and it seemed that at times he wished he could be at all of the churches at once because he loved being with them. He often reminded the churches of his love for them in his letters. But the most important thing to Paul was sharing the gospel, and he wasn’t afraid of offending people by it because he was sharing truth. His worth was not based on how much people were happy with Him, it was founded in Christ.

So, we see clearly that to serve God and please Him, we won’t always please people, and pleasing people shouldn’t be our goal.

Pleasing God

To tear down the idol of people-pleasing, please God. The good news is pleasing God doesn’t always mean disappointing people. The bad news is, it could mean disappointing people. Scratch that — I’m sorry — that was the residue of the people-pleaser typing. What I really mean is, pleasing God, whether it disappoints people or not, is always good news. Because the good news is, Christ made us perfect to God and our faith in Him pleases God.

God’s word tells us not to fear man, but fear the one who can destroy our soul. That is God — He could destroy our souls, but in Christ, He won’t.

As for the disappointment of others, you are not responsible for making them happy. You are called to love, but love doesn’t always look like “happiness.” Love looks like discipline so that someone doesn’t get hurt or go down the wrong path. Love looks like setting boundaries so that you can take care of yourself and fill up on that love. You can’t pour out your love towards others if you’re empty. Love looks like seeking God for His, “Yes,” and saying, “No” if you don’t have that peace. Love looks like having the freedom to show it, instead of being pressured or forced. (If someone is forcing you to “love” them, that’s not love, in case you were wondering.) Love gives others the freedom to reciprocate.

Because He First Loved Us

I want to give you a different perspective of the following verses:

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment, The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loves us” (1 John 4:18-19).

On one hand, we understand that when we love God out of fear (not the good kind) that means we haven’t been “made perfect” in love — or Love hasn’t completed His work in us. It means we haven’t really put our faith in Jesus who saves us from the punishment we fear.

On the other hand, we see that if we haven’t been made perfect in love, then we can’t love. Again, “We love because he first loves us.” If we aren’t secure in God’s love, how will we love others? More so, if we are “loving” other people out of fear that they may not love us, is that really love? God doesn’t want us to love Him like that, why would he want us to love others that way?

These verses encourage us to let Him first complete His love in us so that we can love others. If we are focused on pleasing people over God, we can’t truly love them. We need to believe in God’s love for us in order to love others. This faith in action pleases Him and tears down our idols.

Acting Out Our Faith
What if we choose to please God over people? We may find that our “yeses” are “yeses” and our “no’s” are “no’s” — we would be more committed to the things God is calling us to do and we would keep the promises we make. We might find that we’re more effective in our spaces of influence — our families, jobs, churches, etc. We might find that we are able to better love the people in our lives, maybe even through discipline or distance, for God’s glory. We may find that we have deeper relationships with God than ever as we go to Him to hear what He wants. He’ll become our source of worth. We may find that we love ourselves in a way that we haven’t before because we see ourselves in God’s eyes, not in people’s eyes.

Love Yourself Challenge:

Day 7 — Journaling question: Am I trying to live up to other people’s expectations of me, or God’s expectations of me?

Day 8 — Meditate on this Scripture: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives our fear, because fear has to do with punishment, The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because He first loves us” (1 John 4:18-19).

Day 9 — Write yourself a love letter from God, reminding you of how He sees you. Use Scripture to back it up.

Day 10 — Research some books you can read (or listen to via audiobook) that will help you learn to say, “No.” Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend is a good one. You can find that on the right side of the website.  Another good one is, The Best Yes, by Lysa TerKeurst.

Day 11 — Who are you afraid to disappoint? Talk to God about this.

Day 12 — Pray this prayer:

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)

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