Secure Bromance

Has there ever been a great example of friendship where the both parties involved were secure in themselves and in their relationship with each other?  In his early twenties, David, from the Bible was working in the palace and fighting alongside the man who he would later succeed as king, Saul.  In these emotionally charged years, David became fast friends with Saul’s son Jonathan. Jonathan was much older than David—it was thought that he was maybe as much as 10-15 years older—when taking David under his wing.  Jonathan saw in David both power and fierceness.   Even though he was next in line to be king, it appeared that Jonathan was okay with not inheriting the throne.  In fact, scripture shows that he valued the friendship he and David held more than anything.  The bromance that these two men had for each other was rare, loving and a perfect example of how a true secure relationship between friends could look like. Let’s look and see what this relationship shows us.

For January we have been talking about the importance of loving yourself so that we can have healthy relationships. We talked about the Intimacy Free Relationship where we want a strong relationship but not allow ourselves to be vulnerable or exchange intimate thoughts and feelings. In the Insecure Relationship , one seeks for a connection where they are willing to allow themselves to be defined by any bond that they can have with any other person.  They are afraid of losing the person they attached themselves to and become willing to cling on to the relationship even if it has become one of disrespect and abuse.  In the Chaotic Relationship take both and mesh them together where we get close with someone but there is a lot of drama, fear, and turmoil.  Now, for our last week, I want to talk about the Secure Relationship; this is where David and Jonathan can show us some ways in which we can operate a healthy form of relationship.

In the other three relationships, we explained that sometimes we can be too scared of being vulnerable to share about who we are.  So true intimacy is hard for us and we take what we can get and settle in.  In a secure relationship, we can find it easy and effortless to be ourselves with those who we are close to.  Now, when we battle with intimacy like in the intimacy-free relationship, we hate hearing or seeing our loved ones break down or show emotion. While secure people welcome these feelings with hopes of getting closer with that person during those times.  When we find ourselves in one of the first three categories we spoke of, we may find that being alone can be tormenting and an indication that we were worthless and unworthy to be loved.  However, secure relationships love being with other people and at the same time don’t mind being alone nor sees it as a sign of failure or worthlessness.  We who are in insecure relationships want respect from our loved ones and want them to attend to our needs but if it is not offered, we will accept disrespect and keep our needs and feelings hidden from others. Those in secure relationships want the same as the ones in the insecure relationships.  The difference is in the security they find within themselves.  If the other fails in some way to return the love and respect back, their confidence within themselves doesn’t allow them to settle, but more forward.  Another difference, while those of us in an intimacy free relationship try to avoid intimacy at all cost for fear of getting hurt, those in secure relationships are less afraid to allow intimacy.

Do you relate to any of these characteristics?  What does a secure friendship look like while in hard times?  Of course, every relationship is great when nothing is going on but what happens when trials and tribulation become companions in your friendship journey?  How do you handle it?

Secure In the Storm

In the relationship with David and Jonathan, we see four things we can learn from them.  Jesus said that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves in Matthew 19:19, and Jonathan was the best example of that.

“After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.” – 1 Samuel 18:1

1. Jonathan’s love for this young man was sacrificial and vulnerable. Knowing that he loved David as he loved his own soul, he was not willing to allow his soul, nor his friend, to be without comfort, support or protection. Sometimes just being able to serve, love and protect our friends like we do ourselves, can be a hurdle that we feel is too big to overcome.

Jonathan did what he could to help David get to the position God called David to; even if that meant Jonathan himself would lose out. In the verses after this one, Jonathan takes off all his royal garments and placed it on David. How do you know royalty? By their garments and whatever indicated to others that Jonathan was the prince was stripped and given to David. So by the end of this conversation, David looked like Jonathan.

2. The next thing we saw with Jonathan and David was that they were willing to be vulnerable with each other. David told Jonathan about his fear of Saul, Jonathan’s father and the king, was trying to kill him. When you read the story you can see that David had fear and confusion in his voice. After missing a few attempts to kill David, Saul lied to Jonathan and told him that he was not going to kill David.  He made another attempt and it was this attempt that caused David go to Jonathan and say, in 1 Sam 20:1, 2

“What have I done? What is my crime? How have I wronged your father, that he is trying to kill me?”  “Never!” Jonathan replied. “You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn’t do anything, great or small, without letting me know. Why would he hide this from me? It isn’t so!”

What would you do in this situation?  Would you avoid Jonathan?  Would you accuse Jonathan for being apart of the conspiracy to kill you?  Would you say that Jonathan was siding with his father?  Would you be angry with him for not believing you?  Or would you just push Jonathan to leave the friendship because you are expecting it anyway?  Or maybe you would just beat yourself up for actually trusting that he could be believed.

Well, David allowed himself to be angry, confused and afraid without the thought that Jonathan would be offended or would reject him.  At the same time, Jonathan did not agree with him.  He felt that David was wrong and combated him.  A secure relationship is not afraid to have healthy conflict. They don’t think they are going to be abandoned or rejected.

I’ve had a relationship where myself and the other person never had a disagreement.  Now, I know that, that may sound nice, but I don’t trust any relationship that is without disagreements.  You have to have your opinion while I can have mine on something and we can be okay still.  I need us to be upset with each other when we cross a line because it is then where the truth of how we really care for one another comes to the surface.  I see who you really are and see if you are in this for self or for true friendship.  So I was there I was, faced with that moment when my friend and I got into our first fight.  It was an interesting encounter but I knew after that we would have a few more and I was not disappointed. Some things needed to be brought to the surface in our relationship.  We fought, argued and disagreed.  Tempers rose and flared but I can confidently say that with every single disagreement it solidified our bond.  We grew closer and closer to each other because we didn’t allow each other to rob us of who we were and that helped us to strengthen and trust our growing friendship.  Today I know conflict and disagreements won’t shatter us.

Secure Humility

3. Jonathan and David responded to each other’s needs. Sometimes we are so hung up on our needs that, when we take a step back, we can see that the relationship is more about us gratifying ourselves then helping the other person. We want the relationship to fit what we need as opposed to fitting the needs of the other person as well. When we are only seeking for our needs to be met, then we are like the insecure person who will only keep the person in their life for validation of worth.

In the verses above David is an anxious state and even though Jonathan didn’t agree with his thoughts he did take steps to see if David was correct. 1 Samuel 20:4

Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.”

A secure relationship thrives on humility and loyalty. Jonathan didn’t want to believe David but he humbled himself…remember he is 10-15 years older than him. He submitted himself to David’s emotions.

Secure people are in touch with their feelings, but they work very hard not to live by them or allow themselves to be overwhelmed by it. As angry as David was –as much as Jonathan didn’t want to believe his irate friend–neither of them allowed their emotions to overtake them and blind them to see the truth.

I’ve seen people allow what they feel dictate to them what must be true.  Just because what you feel is real it does not mean what causes that feeling is.  It’s like the kid who believes that there is a monster in their closet.  He may see a shadow or heard something fall.  It causes his mind to respond and his fear that some big scary creature is there, in the room, becomes real.   The emotion is true but it’s cause is not.   David’s words angered or at least bothered Jonathan but he did not allow that to cause him to break the bond that they created.  David could have responded in a way that would have had him question Jonathans loyalty to the friendship.  Both of them knew who they were to each other confidently in their heart and mind.  This allowed them to be confident in their friendship and not allow outside influences affect what they built.

Relationships with others is important.  We are relational beings.  In them we find a place of belonging and comfort.  They allow us to have experiences and opportunities that challenge our limits and goals in life.  In relationships we find direction and ways to seek for purpose.  This is why pursuing relationships is even more important.  If the thoughts we have of our self is weak, any relationship we seek to have now fills the blank areas in us with it’s own limits, it’s own views of how life will be and it’s own standards.  Whereas, like Jonathan and David, if we know and understand who we are, the relationships we pursue enhances who we are, encourages us to grow further in life and raises our standards.

Now I don’t know about you but the only way I have learned to be secure in who I am has only been possible because of my relationship with God.  Who better to define me than the one who created me?  When I submitted my heart, mind, and who I am to be defined by Him, no one else’s opinion mattered.  I still needed relationships, but they were defined by how I already saw myself…a child of God.

As we come to the close of this year’s Love Yourself Challenge, I pray that you will take a moment to evaluate how you are with others and be honest if it mirrors how you may be struggling with yourself.  We love you so much.  Please comment below or email us on the side for additional help.