The Disease Of Loneliness

Is there any “relationship security” in insecurity?  Sherrie was a beautiful young teenage girl with everything going for her.  She was a singer, dancer and was acting in plays, with ambitions to do something great with her life since she was raised in a home that was well to do.  Things changed, however, when Sherrie got into a relationship with Jason.  He was another teen in our youth group and in no time at all that she happily handcuffed herself to this relationship.  Jason had his own major issues and after some time I saw the dysfunction in this relationship.  Things went downhill even more after they became sexual involved with each other.    Sherrie’s fear of Jason leaving became such a nightmare that she was willing to ignore all the signs that he didn’t want her anymore.  She did all she could to please him, because abandonment and rejection was not something she could face.

“The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted, uncared for, and deserted by everybody.  The greatest evil is the lack of love.”

-Mother Theresa

How does someone come to grips with the fact that the one they absolutely love, who makes their heart beat and stop, doesn’t want to be with them?  The feeling of being uncared for, abandoned or rejected is like someone you love tying a 500 pound weight on your ankles, handcuffing you and throwing you in the deepest sea.  There is no escaping the power loneliness and the helpless, hopeless emotion that seems to drown us.  Where does someone go when these feelings are confirmed?

Jason’s abusive nature started to surface as he made it clear he was unfaithful and he tried breaking up with her many times.  However, the longer she was without him the more worthless, lonely, unlovable and abandoned she felt.  His words of offense and insult were harsh but it was worth it if she was with him.  She found worth and completion in him and in him alone, despite all his expressions of dislike and need for separation.

I know that Sherrie’s story sounds sad because we think we would never do that.  We would never allow ourselves to drop so low to get love.  Believe it or not, we all relate to people in one of four different ways.  Last week, we talked about those who want relationship but hate the intimacy of it.  Today I want to talk to you about the Insecure Relationship. These are the ones that say “I need and have to please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable.”

No Security In Insecurity

Do you have an insecure relationship with people you love?  Maybe you aren’t as connected to someone like Sherrie and Jason, but this kind of relating goes beyond a romance.  So what does an Insecure Relationship look like?  Well, those who find themselves in this category usually may not have had a good example of relationships.  In some cases, not all, the person has had a caregiver, like a parent, show relationships as a spot to be earned.   They secure their relationships by good works and a need to be perfect.  To have flaws or make mistakes will cause the other person to leave them or withhold love and acceptance from them.  The insecure person can be very demanding and have bouts of anger if the loved one doesn’t cling to them the way that they feel they should be loved.  This in turn leads to constantly going above and beyond to please those they are in a relationship with.

What causes the desire and need in a person to relate in this very tiring, insecure way?   Many psychologist believe that this type of relating is fueled by the need to be rescued from the abundant emotions of loneliness, and feeling empty and worthless.  These three emotions, along with others, can haunt an individual to think that it is a only through the relationship they find with a parent, sibling, friend, boss, pastor, lover, or whomever, that will save them from the false thoughts that flood them.

What is saddest to me, is I have discovered, that those suffering through this are some of the loveliest people you will ever meet.  They are sacrificial, truly loving, very dedicated individuals and many times they truly enjoy laughing and life with their loved ones.  Even though they can’t see it in themselves, they do a very good job of making someone else feel good about who they are.   The insecure person can also lack the confidence to do things on their own and so they look for someone to be there to protect them.  As wonderful and heartwarming that this person can be, it is not love that fuels them to be this way, but it is fear.

When we truly learn to love ourselves, we don’t rely on others to be our fulfillment of joy, or provide our sense of self and purpose.  It is an emotionally dangerous business to put demands and expectations on others to rescue us from such a false mindset that we are battling with.

More Secure in 2020

So how do we start loving ourselves better in 2020 if we struggle with Insecure Relationships?

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.   This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the Day of Judgment:  In this world we are like Jesus.   There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us.     –1 John 4:16-19

This verse gives us four different things we can do in order to take a different perspective of when we are struggling with insecure relationship styles.

1. We must realize that the only kind of love we can rely on is God’s love. Man will fail you and many lump God in the same way people have failed us.  Though He may not do things the way we would always like, we need to learn that His ways are perfect.  It has to be us who may have to look at everything differently.  When we see Him as God, and not man, we will be able to absorb His love for us and in turn affect how we view every relationship we form going forward.
2. True love comes from God.We cannot successfully duplicate real love without God.  Yes, there are those who are not people of faith who love but the knowledge of true love comes with the understanding of the author of love, God.  When we realize that God is the embodiment of love and are serious about encountering this, by accepting Him into your life you make the decisions to live in that love and that love is produced in us as well.
3. Next…there is no fear in love.What does that mean?  Well it means that when true love is present the fears of abandonment and rejection are removed.  Maybe you are thinking, “Marsha, I loved my parents, I loved my friend, I loved so and they still left, abandoned and rejected me.”  Remember what I said in the first point; man will fail, which is why God should never be lumped in with man.  It stinks when those we trust and love hurt us, there is no doubt about that, but they are human and humans are never perfect.  Though human interaction is important and the scriptures teach us that we are to encourage and help develop one another, it also teaches us that our hopes and dreams should not be placed in man but in God.  God’s love never fails.  He will always make a way, provide strength and will be there when others have failed.  We need not fear because His perfect love reassures us in who we are.
4. Love secures your identity.  When you see yourself as God sees you, you begin to understand His love for you and that casts out the fear of abandonment, fear of rejection or fear of loneliness. Does that mean we won’t get rejected, or that every relationship will work out the way you want it to?  No of course not.  Things will still happen and bad days will still come, but you won’t carry with you a desire to buy love or secure a spot in an others heart.  It also means that when you face a moment with someone who wants to terminate their link to you, you won’t feel like your identity has been destroyed

What ever happened with Sherrie and Jason?  Well after close to six maybe seven years, Jason did finally break off the relationship and intentionally got in a relationship with someone else who later became his wife.  Sherrie finally faced the truth and went on her own journey to build back her self-image.  It was not long before she too found someone else, got married and she now has two beautiful children.  She needed to discover her worth and was willing to let go of her fear of abandonment in order to embrace a healthy relationship.

The power of love and being love is far greater than I could ever explain.  Relationship is the air to our lungs so being in a healthy one with a loving God whose love for us is perfect, allows us to live and love others.  We would  love to hear from you.  Please comment below or email us on the side at thruthewinter@gmail.com.  Follow us on instagram and facebook @throughthewinters.com.