Cactus Love-Don’t Get Too Close

(Sam)

Hey everyone.  Marsha and I decided to share this month’s topic about loving those who have been hurt with David and Alejandra so that you, the reader, could get exposure to two couples who have gone through this experience.  David and Alejandra have done a great job in sharing their experiences, and in some of the things they mentioned I found common ground emotionally and mentally.  Both David and I are married to women who had been violated—in more than one way—in their past.  Both women developed defensive mechanisms to try and keep anyone from hurting them again.  They saw themselves as “broken” and made it hard for their husbands to come close and help.

In many ways, when Marsha and I were courting one another, she tested me on how I would handle her personality and tried to see if I was strong enough for her.  She sought refuge in guys who treated her unfairly and who made her think that she deserved to be taken advantage of and abused.  When her relationship with God became stronger, she realized that she had value, but her perspective—with good reason—of all men became very blurred.  She was not going to be the victim anymore and no man was going to get close to her.

(Marsha)

At the age of 17 I had a chip on my shoulder because I refused to allow myself to be devalued again.  I was living life, not to achieve or reach a goal, but I felt that I needed to prove myself.  I wanted to prove that God was all I needed in order to get out of the hell I was in.  Even though that is true, I still felt the desire for a companion.  If I was going to have a relationship with someone, I was going to make sure that it would be on my terms. I would not allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone.  I worked really hard to build up a wall that protected my heart and mind and I was not going to tear them down for anyone, even some guy.

Why Won’t He Get The Hint

Sam came into the picture and he was very different because quite soon in our relationship, it was clear he wanted a commitment that could be dangerous, emotionally, for me.  He was loving, caring, patient and completely ready to be there for me physically and emotionally. We were 17, did I say that already?  We were much too young for such an intense relationship.  I found myself opening up to him quite quickly about my past of sexual and physical abuse.  I didn’t tell him everything because talking about it was quite hard.  I did tell him enough, though, to try and scare him; maybe even protect him from the mess I was.  I was kind of saying, “Hey I’m pretty broken, so you can ditch now so we can limit the hurt on both of us in the future.”  I felt like he wasn’t going to last too long anyway.  He just didn’t seem to have the strength to handle my harsh, in your face, nasty, moody emotional waves.

I quickly started to fall for him and it was not okay because my emotions were getting exposed.  It was more painful to put my guard down then to let him in.  I spent more time fighting his love for me because I couldn’t let it just happen, but all he did was fight back.

(Sam)

The thing was, she wasn’t as harsh and nasty as she thought.  Whenever we discussed something a bit touchy for her, I walked lightly.  I didn’t have to know everything at that moment to see that something was hurting her.  If I was going to be the one she would confide in, fine; but if not, it wasn’t my place to force her to tell me.   I think I gave Marsha more comfort when I didn’t make her feel like she had to tell me all her secrets.  I tried to make her feel safe with how I treated the information she did tell me.   I remember her at times shutting down—after she would tell me some things—expecting me to slowly find an exit from our relationship.  I saw no need.  What I saw was someone who needed a chance to be mad and express her frustrations, but not be judged for it.  With what she went through and how people treated her, she deserved to be angry.  Though we were dating, because of all this, I wanted to be her friend first before anything else.  She needed that more than a boyfriend.  The problem was I was falling for her.  Some would say that what I had was the “Hero Complex”.  Basically, I was feeling the desire to save her from what it was that made her feel un-safe.  I don’t know, maybe that’s how it started, however it became something else in time.  I wanted to talk to her on the phone, take the nearly two hour train ride to see her every day—she lived in Queens and I lived in the Bronx—and even incorporate her image in my art work (I was an Art Major at LaGuardia High School in Manhattan).  I was beginning to feel strong feelings for her and I wasn’t sure where all this was going to go.

It Takes Two to Fight

I know she was fighting me, but I fought back differently. It was more like I stayed persistent.  When she spoke negative about herself, I wasn’t going to let her leave with those thoughts.  When Marsha limited where she thought she would go in life I tried to help her see that there was always a possibility for more.  When she would cry, I held her and when she calmed down, I tried to make her laugh.  I had other relationships before, but this one was different.  Despite all she was facing, Marsha would take time to help me better understand God.  Though she struggled with her worth, she never hesitated to encourage me in my spiritual walk and self esteem.  Who does that?

 (Marsha)

A year into our relationship, we went on a date and walked around Manhattan.  We sat on a bench in Central Park and talked like always.  I’m not sure how everything started, but out of nowhere Sam said he was ready to take care of me.  He started telling me of his plan to buy me a car, get me a house and give me a new life.  I was very uncomfortable about the idea of “being taken care of”. I didn’t need him and I would never allow myself to get to any point of needing him. It was like a trigger.  Everything was going great. Unfortunately, that caused a bad reaction from me.

I can see now, looking back, that I was slowly trying to sabotage my relationship with him and I did it in different ways.  One time I allowed myself to fall for another guy in college.  Another time I separated myself from Sam just to see if I could work out feelings for an old friend.  I did all this just to push him into rethinking about being with me.  If I could push him to where he finally had enough, he would leave.  I began to love him and I knew that the pain of him leaving me was going to be great, nonetheless that was why I needed to push him away because the closer I got to him the more I allowed myself to be softened.

(Sam)

It wasn’t easy to be what she needed and in no way was I capable to do what I did to help her grow past her fears.  The truth is, many of her weak points weren’t dealt with until years later, after we were already married.  So what made us say “yes” to staying together and what made us willing to go on this road?  God.  It was God.  He knew what I needed to help get me on track with my call and mission and it was Marsha.  He knew that she needed someone who could take on a tremendous load of emotional weight and it was me.

Fight For What You Want

I want to talk to those that feel lie they are in the fight of their lives with their loved ones.  I realized some things over the years and I want to share them with you.

1. Make Them Feel Safe-  Safety emotionally and mentally is just as important physically.  Your loved one needs to feel like their emotions and heart is safe with you.  If they feel like you are going to belittle their battles, no matter how big or small they are, they will not trust you.
2. Get Rid of the “Hero Complex”– Let go of the idea that you are the super hero to come into this broken world and rid it of all the villains attacking your loved ones.  They don’t need a super hero, they need a prayer warrior.  Prayer is not the last resort, it should be the the first action in this relationship.
3. Healthy Persistence– When you pray find God’s view of your loved one and then be persistent in reminding them of who they are in God’s eyes.  They don’t need your view of them because even in your love, their are still flaws in your design of them.  When you seek God’s view then you know it will be perfect.
4. Love May Trigger a Bad Reaction– Don’t be too aggressive in your love.  When ever you are trying to incorporate good things into someone’s life you have to do it in pieces.  Too much of a good thing can cause a bad reaction.  It is like an anorexic starting to eat again.  You could never force calories on a body that has been starved of nutrients.  It needs to be incorporated slowly and so does love .

Weekly Challenge:

1 Corinthians 13 is a chapter in the bible that perfectly defines love.  Take some time to read the real qualities of love.  List the qualities you think you are doing well and then list those that you can improve on.  Start a conversation or if you need some additional help, feel free to email us on the side.