Intimacy (Into-Me-You-See)

(Alejandra)

Hello there! This is Alejandra AND David Tash again! Last week we spoke about “showing the books!”  Meaning, when is it the right time to reveal to each other our brokenness (link) and how inadequate one can feel when burdened with information that was once unknown.  My husband David compared marriage to the prepping of a cake. We all love eating the cake. However, many refuse to put in the work that is required to attain that moment of pure enjoyment.  Now, what do you do when all the cards are laid on the table?  Much of my brokenness had turned into anger, and now that my husband knew why I was so angry, we needed to seek a healing agent.  For me, that healing came as God shown through my husband. The term, “I do, but I can’t” was born out of my inability to be functional in my marriage.  Though I said “I do” to being a wife, I didn’t know how to be one.

This week we want to talk about intimacy. To most of us, when we talk about intimacy we think about sex. But how can one even touch that topic when there isn’t a connection of the hearts?  David and I once heard at a marriage retreat, that the word intimacy really means into-me-you-see. Intimacy is more than just sex in marriage.  David needed to really see how broken I truly was, before we could enter truly into an intimate relationship.

Why Do Hurt People, Hurt People?

I have to say, I was very prone to fleeing. I run the minute I think that my wounds from my past are about to be reopened.  Every time David would try to talk to me about my past, it felt like he wanted to hurt me.  Eventually, that hurt which had not been dealt with, turned to anger.   The only person to lash out at was him. I thought, Before he hurts me, I’ll hurt him.  Every word that came out of me was through yelling at the top of my lungs.  I would even lash out physically to show my level of anger and break dishes.

I remember crying myself to sleep one time after I had a huge blowup.  I was ashamed of my actions and was wondering why I would hurt someone I so deeply loved? The answer to that question was simple.  I didn’t know how to love and how to love David for who he really was.

(David)

After several arguments with Alejandra, I truly considered divorce. I seriously heard a voice saying, “Come on, you can’t do this. Just leave her.”  I remember being on my knees and saying…nothing, I just groaned and sobbed.  There are times where you’re so beat down that you’re on your knees and feel helpless and weak.

“… the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Romans 8:26 NIV

I know this verse was true because moments after, I felt God say, “I want Alejandra to truly experience love, and you are the only one who can do that. I want you to love her.” From that moment on, I not only felt peace about what God was saying to me, but He also gave me the strength to do it. I felt His overwhelming strength, peace and above all love that armed and equipped me for the task at hand. Psalm 18:31-36 says:

For who is God except the Lord?

    Who but our God is a solid rock?

³² God arms me with strength,

    and he makes my way perfect.

³³ He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

    enabling me to stand on mountain heights.

³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;

    he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

³⁵ You have given me your shield of victory.

    Your right hand supports me;

    your help^[d] has made me great.

³⁶ You have made a wide path for my feet

    to keep them from slipping.

Scriptures like this gave me what I needed to be patient with her.  It made able to be kind even when she wasn’t, and to not let my pride get in the way while everything in me screamed, “Just quit!”  God’s voice was so much stronger.  One thing I know is that without God this marriage would have been over.  It was God who armed me with strength.  My main weapon was the scriptures in the Bible that taught me how to love my wife like Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25)

My Marriage, Christ, and The Church?

I studied and looked at how Christ dealt with us, the church, and how he loved His people.  I knew that this would be the key to how I could minister to my wife’s heart and just as important, how I could show my love towards her. The apostle John stated in the gospel…

 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. ¹² The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. ¹³ The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.”   John 10:11

 This verse ministered to me profoundly.  Notice that Jesus states, “the hired hand” runs away from the sheep when he sees the wolf coming that’s due to the fact he “cares nothing for the sheep”.  I couldn’t depend on anyone to help me love my wife the way she needed to be by me because they are just hired hands. They wouldn’t care for my wife like I did.  I needed to consult with God because only He knew the condition and remedy for my wife’s heart.

I want you to understand that God has set within you what you need in order to best serve your spouse.  He has prepared within us all that is needed for our spouse’s needs, wants, and desires.  I needed to lay my life down, and love my wife back to the life God had intended for her.  My goal was to build a fortress of safety around her, providing a place of healing and safety where she could learn to trust again.  I needed to provide for her an environment where she needed not to fear her past and abusive relationships.  Once Alejandra saw my willingness to lay my life down and go through the fire with her and for her, she began to trust.  This trust began to birth intimacy in our marriage.  She saw that my ultimate goal wasn’t sex it was love and the wellness of her emotional being.

Sometimes we may confuse intimacy for sex, but true intimacy in marriage is in knowing each other’s deepest feelings, fears, traumas, and hurts and providing a sense of security for one another.  Sex is great. However, it is nothing more if true intimacy between the husband and wife is never reached.  Can this happen over night?  Nope!  It took me about two years to tackle down this issue, and today we are still learning to fully overcome this aspect of marriage.  It is, however, so much easier now that my wife knows I can be trusted with her heart.

Weekly Challenge

This week, learn to be intimate with your spouse.  Don’t seek after sex so much as learning what ways God has called you to be what it is your spouse needs you to be for them. In what way can you become that safe place for your spouse?  I want you to study what Christ did for us, and ask God to help you to do the same for your spouse.  Now realize this. It is a daily 12am-12am shift.  Meaning, it doesn’t end!

Let’s Pray:

Lord, please help us to be considerate of our spouses. Please help us see past the anger, yelling, and shattered dishes and see the brokenness in our spouse. Equip us with your unfailing love, so we may be a representation to our spouses. Strengthen us in the times that we may become weary. We are not perfect, but we hold on to your truths in John 10:11 and practice 1 Cor. 13:4-7 so that we may never lose sight of the blessings you have given us. Let us hold no record of wrong as you also wash away our sins. Give us guidance and strength, in Jesus name. Amen!