Check out Entry two where Miss Misery talks about how she struggles with issues of life; all she wanted to do was explode.

Entry 3-Way Too Many Voices

Dear Marsha,

Last time you asked me about the voices I mentioned in my last entry.  There are voices in my head. It’s not diagnosed issue but it feels like I have voices in my head. There is a voice of mine that hates me. Another voice who believes everything will be ok and then there is God’s voice. The voice that hates me is probably the loudest. It shouldn’t be that way, right? I’m a Christian. I believe in God. I’ve stayed on the right path. But the voice that hates me is always the loudest. It controls my emotions, increases doubt and sucks away my self-esteem. Everyday I’m fighting for control. I want the “Good” voice to be in control. The one that talks me out of listening to my “Hateful voice”. The one that reminds me of happiness. My good voice wins some of the battles. It’s not enough. When it comes to God’s voice. It’s hard to hear Him. My good voice sounds like Him but doesn’t bring peace and hopefulness like I know he could. My good voice just fights the hateful voice. My good voice just gives me ways to get over my feelings so I can get on with my day. I believe God’s there, and he can speak to me. But as I constantly battle with the two voices in my mind. I’m become so ashamed. I don’t want to talk to him knowing full well I’m failing. It doesn’t matter how many good things I do for his kingdom. This battle in my mind makes it seem like I’ll never get to the point where I’ll be ok. I don’t like to come to God with the same issues. Sometimes I feel like he is annoyed with me. So, I just have to do this on my own. No reason to drag someone else into my issues. God will get tired of it eventually……..The Voice

Dear Miss Misery,

I think that your answer from last week is quite interesting and honest.  I can’t imagine having to decipher which one is which but sadly I’ve been where you were.  I remember not too long ago I was waking up to thoughts of pure despair and I felt like I was going to go nuts.  No one would believe that I was being bombarded with thoughts of killing myself.  Yes…that’s right killing myself and I am not talking about when I was a teenager either.  It as about 4 years ago.  I felt like the voice was so loud that I could barely recognize God’s voice.  It was so thick that I felt I was breaking in the thoughts not just hearing them.  Months of that left me questioning everything and everyone.  So as you spoke about the voice that hates you sounding loudest made sense to me. As I was reading I realized that there are four voices begging for your attention, the ones that hates you, the good one, God’s and your own.  It’s interesting that the voice that you know hates you has the most control.  What’s interesting is that you want the Good voice to be the one in control…not God’s.  You want the voice that seems to fight for you to be the one that has the most say so.  Everyone of us has a voice that always seems to say the worst about us, our circumstances and our future.  That voice you know is the enemy.  He desires to have you to agree with his words.  He wants you to agree that you are a loser, a failure, no good, unwanted, and anything else you can think about.  He doesn’t care about the good voice and he doesn’t even care about God’s voice because as long as you don’t obey that voice, it doesn’t threaten him.  But what he wants is for you to take over his job by joining him on his hate for you.  When you hate yourself…

What I want to say which I know you know but I will say before is, God’s voice is the one you must hold on to but he will not scream over the voices you choose to agree with.  Nothing grows without it being fed.  So you would have to ask if there is anything you are doing to feed that bad voice.  Yes I experienced that heavy feeling of wanting to kill myself but I did not feed it…(not saying you are thinking this but I have to say) just because I don’t struggle with depression doesn’t mean that my methods for removing the voices doesn’t work.  So I realized that this was the enemy and knowing it was the enemy the Bible says that he is the author of lies.  Meaning he writes lies, he makes them up.  Knowing that he lies, I need to reverse the things he was trying to get me to believe a lie so than what was the opposite.

In your next letter can you tell me about your triggers.