Check out entry three where Miss Misery talked about the voices that she was struggling with.

Entry4-So Many Triggers

Dear Marsha,

I thought a lot what you said and I thank you for your response to me.    You mentioned triggers the last time.  Triggers set me off. Triggers are like a ticking time bomb. In a period of time, reminders of being alone can pile up. Reminders of not being good enough pile up. Reminders of not being qualified can pile up. Reminders of knowing that I can’t live the way I know I could pile up. The inability to feel normal in my mind piles up. And by the time it’s all too much for me to handle or control, the simplest incident can set it off. Setting it off means uncontrollable crying till my head hurts, inability to breathe correctly, flashes of thoughts that are hard to keep track and feeling completely hopeless. Darkness takes over my brain….. My thoughts consist of  “I don’t think I can fight anymore?” “Why am I here?” “They’ll be able to live without me, they have each other. They’ll be alright?” “I will never be ok”. Yeah, Christians can have suicidal thoughts too, fight Marsha? I was surprised when I had my first one. But now, it seems like a constant pattern when I have my panic attacks. Ending it all seems really easy instead of constantly fighting, hoping, praying on your knees till they bleed, rebuking and living through constant disappointment, right? Sometimes I think God doesn’t think I deserve happiness. It’s hard to believe he does when you’re constantly battling with your tainted mind over and over and over again. But whatever, being tired is my new normal.

There was a question I had from your last letter.  How do I learn to believe the good voices that I do hear?

-Miss Misery

Dear Miss Misery,

Thank you again for writing me.  Last month’s letter was very enlightening as you talked about the voices and this month’s entry seems to be continuing as you talk about them a little more.  Let me explain to others reading what a trigger is.  When someone has been in a traumatic situation the brain remembers smells, sounds, touches, voices and when that person comes across it again it brings them right back to where there were before through flashbacks and dreams.  So when those smells, those touches, voices or even phrases are experienced again, it’s like a gun that goes off every time.  So when you talk about triggers you are saying that your feelings of not being good enough, not being feeling qualified, and other inner thoughts, bring you back to the younger you.

I remember in letter two you talked about your father and those were all the feelings you were having.  I think that season of your life was so traumatic that when there is any feelings that resemble your encounter with him, that causes a trigger.  You felt you weren’t good enough for him and your feelings of not being good enough in any situation makes you revert back to when you were younger.  It doesn’t have to be a parent that makes you feel like that but when you don’t feel good enough at school, at your job, in a relationship, with friends or even by yourself, it releases the same familiar insecurity and it sets off several triggers, that’s why they are piling up.   

Then the voices that we talked about last week play a part in your triggers.  I have triggers.  I have things that are said to me, songs that are played on the radio, smells that I come in contact with that teleport me to that place where I was the most vulnerable.  This will take time and consistency in order to soften the blow of these encounters.  The first thing you may want to do is be honest with yourself about the situation.  Let me tell you now, there will be many times when you can’t meet the expectation of yourself, others or a task that you’re doing.  Success, victory in all situations is not realistic and unrealistic expectations is an easy way to come face to face with your insecurities.  

You can never be successful in everything you do.  Only Jesus did that.  You have to look at your motive for success as well.  If you are looking to succeed in an area for validation, you will always find yourself here.  You must admit that your self image is what is damage not your abilities.  Even if you did everything right, you would still find something to prove you are not good enough.  

I know you are a Christian so I can say this freely, God has a way of always looking at the underdog and choosing them.  God was always in the habit of finding runts like David, cowards like Saul, the uneducated like the fisherman, the swindlers like Jacob to turn the world upside down and fulfill his plan.  What’s interesting is that we try to be the very thing God doesn’t look for; so whose eyes are you looking through to determine if you are good enough?  You have to remind yourself you are not that young version of you anymore and it would be best to get scriptures that support a healthier thought life.

Yes Christians so have suicidal thoughts, David in the Bible did, Jonah, and Elijah did as well.  In my article,“Suicide: What Does God Think About It” , I wrote about John 10:10 where it talks about how the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Every Christian has to remember that Satan hates our guts and he wants you to hate you too so that you can destroy yourself.  The rest of that verse says that, “But I, (Jesus) have come to give you life.”  The enemy wants to suck the life out of you but Jesus wants to give you life.  I would encourage you to read it.    

Does it makes sense?  

Now about those good voices.  When you think of how you know the difference between good and bad voices says something.   You have to have realized that the reason you know that it’s bad is because the fruit of it has never been good yet the reason a voice is good is because it gives you hope.  I know that you will believe these voices if it is encouraging someone else but at some point when you realize you are worth it, then you adopt that hope for yourself.  If there is any questions, feel free comment below.  

In your next letter can you tell me how do you think people view you? Thank you again

-Marsha