Check out Entry nine to read the previous letter.

Entry 10-Is the Bible Really For Me Too?

Dear Marsha,

I hope I’m not annoying you.  What you write last week did make sense.  Those verses were great—and yes they made sense for that moment but sometimes I feel like I’m in a hamster wheel. My thoughts are on this constant never-ending loop.

“You mess up, you jacked that up good this time”

“Why do you think you can get it right?”

“How is God good and great if he leaves you to rot in your mind?”

Sometimes I think parts of the bible aren’t meant for me. If that was the case, he would have fixed me, when I asked. But I have to remind myself it’s a process, it’s always an ANNOYING process! The fight inside my mind is never ending. It breaks me down. I try so hard every morning to crush my bad thoughts with the Word. To feel like I am progressing and all I do is fall. Have you ever tried to escape your mind? There are moments where I wish there was a return to sender for Minds. I received a defective one. Please take it back. Give me a Mind that functions. Maybe I won’t feel alone. Because knowing you’re the only one out of your group of loved ones that has a mental disorder, makes it so easy to feel alone. And then the loneliness cranks up the hamster wheel again.  I don’t know if that makes sense?

-Miss Misery

You Are Exactly Who God Would Have Picked

Dear Ms. Misery,

No, you are not annoying me because as much as it can be hard to think you are making progress I know it is draining when you wake up to the enemy—bad thoughts—breathing down your throat.  In no way did I experience what you go through regularly but for a period of time I went through depression.  It was never-ending, mind-pounding thoughts.  It never stopped…it never gave me a break unless I was distracted for a moment with something or someone but when life got quiet, then the thoughts were right there to keep me company and tell me everything I didn’t want to hear.  I can’t tell you how bad it got for me, but I can say that I found myself scratching the walls for an out.

I wonder how many people feel the way you do that the Bible isn’t meant for them.  How many people read things and can use scripture for others but not for themselves?  It can be so hard when your mind won’t work or agree with promises God has for you.  It is worse than an arm or leg that won’t work.  You at least use you mind to overcome the obstacles of life.  You can still process the word to compensate for being physically lame but how can you compensate for feeling mentally handicapped?

I think there is one thing that you said that can be the mistake that many make; you make your mental struggle your identity.  You are not depression.  You are not anxiety.  You are not fear.  When you make that your identity you start to isolate yourself first before others do.  I said it before in a letter, what we do to ourselves first will determine what others do to us second.  If you isolate yourself because you think you are not worthy, then everyone’s actions will just solidify your worst nightmare and then before you know it, you are really alone.  I believe that you are struggling with loneliness but because your worst enemy (Satan) not your mind, has set a path for you. 

One time there was a pack of lions that went after a wilderbeast and finally got it separated from the herd.  They proceeded to attack it as they were alone to fend for themselves.  With in a matter of minutes another wilderbeast came in a took on the pack as his friend started limping away.  After the pack got a beating of their life, that’s when both escaped.  You see the enemy wants you to believe you are so tainted that you can’t be around others, so when you finally believe the lie, you are perfect prey for the attack.  Jesus has never designed man to live independently of people and him.  We need each other, and him, so the enemy doesn’t separate us. 

When I was battling in my mind for that season, I told no one.  I shared a little with my husband but I was too embarrassed to tell those that knew me the best.  I was afraid that they would look at me, or worse, change the way they were with me to pamper my struggle.  I suffered for several months with this and it was lonely.  I cried many tears alone and felt broken but never had the guts to tell anyone how defective I felt. 

I know you said a few letters before that there wasn’t anyone that you felt really wanted to deal with you.  Can you explain a little more why you felt that way?   

-Marsha