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Entry 11-No One Will Take A Chance on Me

Dear Marsha,

I think my mental issues keep people away. Like they just pop in to do their friendly “mental health checks”. But if I’m looking for deep relationship, they’re not there. Friendships don’t really progress. Sometimes you try to tell the bad voices to shut up. All they do is blame you for the relationship being that way. So, while blocking the voices, you try to change that. So, you ask your friend what’s going on in their lives. Like truly being considerate. Knowing that true relationships goes both ways. Not one way. But I don’t get a lot from them. And even if you do think you progressed with them or given them advise or help them in their situation or be the friend they vent to…it doesn’t matter. They’ll think of you the same way. How do I know this? Because here I am, sitting in my room, seeing all the glorious friend selfies that I won’t be a part of. Knowing that something so small and insignificant can mean so much to me. Those posts show friendships that I don’t have. It doesn’t matter how shallow social media can be, it still affects me so much.

I believe people rather not take a chance on me knowing my issues. I’m not reliable, I’m inconsistent, I’m a recipe for a disastrous relationship. Who wants to be friends with the depressed girl? If I can just turn it all off, just to get a good close friend… to truly be normal, I would do ANYTHING. To have a friend to just have fun with, cry with, be there for each other, give each other advice, sit next to each other in church, not be afraid to see each other’s ugliness, fight and makeup, have inside jokes, watch movies or shows together or have intentional friend dates…… I’m asking for the impossible, aren’t I? At least impossible for me. At this point, it’s just easier to blame myself. All I’ll be is someone who is checked up on.

-Miss Misery

There Is Someone

Dear Miss. Misery

Hmmm…Wow.  I had to think a moment before writing back.  You have such real thoughts but at the same time, I can see also see how thinking keeps you back from having what you want.  You mentioned a few times that your friends do the friendly check-up.  I totally get it that you feel that the person is only around because you are “that person” that needs to be checked up on, while they do “selfies” on social media with those they really want to be with.  You want people to be around you because they want to, not because they feel like they need to.  You want to feel like you offer so much to the table that they want to be with you, mental issues or not.   It is hard to think they are real friends.

I will tell you, coming from a fellow checker-upper…LOL, you are right in some ways.  Friendship has layers and I know for me I check up on people that I do care for.  There are times people do come in my life that have a lot of needs and I don’t take on that task because it is too much.  Yeah, you are right, the friendships that I do check up on is not like the other relationships.  However, I know for me, I think there is some depth in those relationship where they allow me to go into their dark world.  You have written me 10 other letters and the things that you struggle with are not easy.  For someone to take on the task of checking up on you, means that they want to enter your world as much as you let them.

I would like for you to look at it another way, there are others that are struggling as you, but have no one to check up on them.  They feel like no one loves them enough to even come into this world of pain.  I think it is hard to see the blessing that you have those willing to check in and talk with you.

When it does come to friendship what you are asking for is right at your fingertips. Again, having people willing to come in your world, is very deep and vulnerable for both of you.  I understand you want to feel like you can go into their world and it go both ways, but maybe they are protecting you just as much as you try to protect them.  We all have our ugly sides, our demons, and we are not too willing to show that to just anyone.  I do believe that they are protecting you from seeing that side because if they allowed you to enter their world, would you take their ugliness personal?  Would you make their issue your own?  Would you walk away from the friendship because they say something to you that mirrors how you feel about yourself?  There are many reasons why it may not be able to go both ways at this time and if someone loves you enough to enter, check up on you, but protect you from their world, I think that you have more than you are willing to admit.

I have had relationships as you have talked about, those relationships where I had fun, cried with, gave advise etc.  It is always easy to be with someone that you laugh with and have fun.  But the part that becomes tricky is the friction that comes and the fighting, silent treatments and misunderstandings for a few days before the make-up.  This accomplishment did not come overnight, and it is not as simple as you’d think.  It is A LOT of work and it takes a lot of breaking within yourself before finding that special someone.  In the meantime, I think that God needs you to see those He has given you so you can go deeper with them.

I know you said that you would do anything, I think the first thing you would need to do is be willing to allow the relationships you have to develop at its pace since it is not under the same circumstances.

What do you think about what I said?

Marsha.