Making the Biggest Mistake of My Life

What is love anyway?  What does life look like without understanding what love is?  It’s going to be Valentine’s Day in a couple of weeks.  Valentine’s Day was never the same for me after meeting Sam.  Almost 22 years ago I thought that I made the biggest mistake of my life with him.  On August 1^st 2020 I will have been married to Sam for 22 years.  I was only 20 years old and he was 21, so the choice to marry young just seemed childish and immature to most.  I have to confess, on the day I married Sam, I thought I just ruined his life.  My brain was filled with all the horrible things that were going to happen from not thinking this through a bit more.  When this picture was taken of us at the altar I remember some of the thoughts that were bombarding me:

“Do you think this is a game?  This is forever!”

“Why in the world did you do this? You can’t turn back now.”

“Not only are you going to ruin your life, but his as well and there will be an audience to witness it too.”

Allow me to take you back to the months leading up to our “special day.”  As I got closer to that precious moment I wanted to run away because my insecurities were surfacing more and more. You could see that Sam was called by God to love me, but I didn’t know if I was called to receive it.  God had prepared him emotionally and mentally to marry a very broken woman, but I wasn’t prepared to be put back together.  Before he and I began to date, all of his previous girlfriends were just like me.  They were severely abused and some were even raped by someone else while being in a relationship with him.  He had a heart for those who had my type of wounds because God was calling him to love the broken.  I would love to tell you that his pure love made me run into his arms for safety and healing, but it was the other way around; I fought my husband in so many ways.  I also refused to trust him or be vulnerable with him.

In our January “Love Yourself Challenge”, we talked about four different relationship styles that many people fall into.  I was a little like the first three, I hated intimacy but yet thrived on insecurity, I was also combative.  I struggled to receive love because it was too vulnerable and kind.  I was use to betrayal, abuse and pain but all Sam gave was patience, kindness and love.

A few years before my relationship with Sam, there was a young man in my life who was not good for me at all.  At the time I didn’t think he was bad for me, instead, I saw him as a friend and confidant since we practically grew up together.  I didn’t see as I do now, but he was abusive, selfish and exactly what I thought I deserved.  He used me, put me down and made me feel like trash.  He violated me verbally, physically and expected loyalty from me which I gave to him.  He was vulgar and vile in his words to me, but I’ll be honest, I felt comfortable with him.

The Familiar Abusive Love

When my relationship with Sam started getting serious I knew I couldn’t have him and the other toxic relationship as well.  The other young man was not happy by the invasion Sam was having in his life when it came to me.  I will never forget the day he took me to the side and asked me if I was really going to throw away everything I had with him for Sam who was a stranger.  Those who have never been battered and bruised may not understand why a person would stay with someone who hurts you, but to the victim, it is all they know.  What other way of life do we know?  My heart was torn because I became familiar with the demons I had to face with this young man.  What I now faced with Sam was strange to me.  I was use to the sexual assault from my friend, I was use to him making me fight for his affections.  I was use to him making me jealous by making me number two to every and any other girl that showed him attention.  I was use to the fights, the arguments, the cold shoulders and isolation I felt because I did not meet his expectations.  I know, this should be a “no brainers” on which way I would sway…right.

It was just that Sam was offering me “strange” love.  I was not used to this powerful sacrificial love that was willing to get into the dirt with me.  It was a love that was willing to wait and be patient.  It was a love that pushed me to be better.  The young man I had in my life was a familiar love but it was harsh, unforgiving, painful, conditional, selfish, and demanding.  I knew what to expect with this love, with Sam, I was uncomfortable and unfamiliar.  I needed to make a decision.  My husband was not oblivious to the truth that I wanted to end my relationship with him just because I thought he was way too good for me.  I didn’t feel like I deserved that kind of love.

That “Strange” Love

There was a woman in the Bible who battled with uncomfortable love. Her husband was called to love her in her constant unfaithful, disgusting, abusive, and selfish mess.  Let’s look at an unconventional marriage of a powerful prophet of God, who was asked by the Lord to take a prostitute as his wife.  In this unusual love story, Hosea is called to love a woman name Gomer – who just couldn’t handle his love.  She kept running from him and put his love to the test.  God helps to show Hosea how to love his wife through her mess and unfaithfulness.  In the following verses, God is using Hosea’s experience to express how he feels about Israel.

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her. I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope. She’ll respond like she did as a young girl, those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

And then I’ll marry you for good—forever! I’ll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I’ll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You’ll know me, God, for who I really am.  -Hosea 2:14, 15, 19-20 MSG

How many times are we faced with people who get tired of our nonsense so they just give up on us?  It’s possible that we pushed them to make those choices.  Our fear of abandonment, insecurity and fear of rejection has caused us to bring more chaos in our relationships then necessary. I love how God is willing to start fresh and how He is willing to start over with you and me.  When we are so used to others giving up on us, we think that God is going to do the same.  We are so blessed to have a lover in Him who is willing to start over and over again with us.  Each time God starts over, He doesn’t want the same old love back, but a fresh new love. God wants things to be new and fresh each time.

Look at the scripture from Hosea where God said, He will marry us in love and tenderness.  What is that?  For someone like me, who allowed people to de-value me and treat me in unkind ways, I become convinced that abusive love was the best I would get.  There are others like me who lower their expectations and embrace abusive love as their version of reality.  It is the kind of love they have learned to become comfortable with.

I made the choice—to this day I don’t know what made me do it—to embrace what was uncomfortable for me.  I needed to fall in love with God first and see myself as He saw me.  It was only after that, when I was able to truly able to marry the second love of my life.  Since then, my life has been saturated with a love that continues to be foreign to me.  Some of you reading this might know what I mean.  You know that the love God has given you has been hard to receive even though it is what you need.  Others of you might still be searching, but listen, don’t give up hope.  God knows how to pick up broken pieces and fix them in ways that become new.

I want to encourage you to look and see if maybe there is an abusive love in your life.  Is there a love that isn’t really love at all, one that reminds you of your failures, your mistakes, where you fall short, and insecurities?  We must look for a love that will never give up, one that will be willing to start over and who loves the best in you.

Sometimes I think I am destined to never understand my husband’s dedication and so I will never understand my God, who is my first love.  That couldn’t be far from the truth.  That brings us to the next line where God said that He “Won’t leave us nor let us go.” I don’t know of any other God who never gives up on those who follow Him.

Weekly Challenge:

Read Hosea 2:14-23 and Ezekiel 20:35 and 36. Read it in a version that is easy flowing and see how much God goes above and beyond to show Israel how much he loves them and wants to be with them. I would really like for you to replace Israel with your name. After, write down how he displays that kind of love to you. Think of ways that maybe you are having a hard time receiving his strange love. We would love to hear your thoughts so please feel free to comment below or email us. We have been loving the discussions.