When You Just Can’t Understand Depression

What do some say is the number one reason for depression?  Depression has been a subject that has come up a lot with me and I realized there are so many layers to this mental illness. One day I was in the car with a friend and it went from a decent time of light talking to a series of unexpected comments. She started telling me how she interpreted something I had done and her interpretation didn’t make sense to me. She was inadvertently blaming me for something that was out of my control. It just became a snowball of thoughts that made no sense. Now, this was not the first time she and I were in this situation where I was explaining my actions to her because she interpreted them wrong. Many times, she has said she didn’t feel she could trust me, that I didn’t need her, that she was alone…even though I haven’t left her side. This seemed to be a cycle—a pattern of some sort—sadly, I did not have the patience to listen to this any longer. I started to feel the back of my ears getting hot and—because I was driving —it was so important for me to stop the car. When we did stop, I exploded and started yelling at what she was saying to me. She started crying and I know that if she could take back every single word that she had said she would, but it was too late. In mid yell I felt God stop me and tell me that she is battling with depression; and that this was not her speaking. She was telling me her interpretation of my actions through the lenses of this illness.

Even though I felt the desire to eat her face with my words—then throw her out and make her walk the 4 miles to her house—I needed to put my anger to the side and truly explore the idea that something was wrong. As we sat in the car I asked her some questions and I told her, with love and true concern, that she needed to talk to her doctor about the possibility that some changes she was forced to made medically, was causing her a chemical imbalance that was bringing her into a place of depression. With a very heavy heart, she admitted having suicidal thoughts; she felt that if she was gone no one would miss her. It was clear that this was not my friend speaking and that she needed help soon.

She did take my advice—she knew her life was at risk if we had another conversation like that again (joking…not really. She knows I love her). The doctor confirmed that she is going through depression and needed mild anti-depressants. The question is, why do we experience depression so often in this day and age and why does it happen even though we may go to church and love God?

Let’s talk about it.

Why Does Depression Hit So Hard?

It seems like everyone is depressed, or getting over it, or starting to experience it. Mental health counselors see depression as the common cold of the brain. So many people can catch it and it doesn’t go away so easily. What are some things that cause this illness? We are going to talk about that this week and start the conversation on how to overcome and resolve it.

Let’s cover why women face depression almost twice as often as men? Well, there are four main reasons that I want to talk about why we get depressed in general.

First, with menstrual cycles, childbirth, and menopause, women’s hormones easily get thrown out of whack. Unfortunately, it could also be something as simple as the birth control a woman is taking that could cause depression. It is so important that women understand their body and if some thoughts are not normal, we must admit it to our doctor so that our hormones can be checked. Men don’t go through those kinds of changes, but men can face chemical imbalances as well. We also have to consider that maybe any medication that we are taking can be contributing to this mental illness. It can bring so much shame because certain thoughts are not normal and there may be no valuable reason for the sudden hopelessness. However, when we lay our pride down, we can get help and answers to our questions.

Now, what do you do when you come home from the doctor and they say there is no imbalance and your hormones are fine? What do you do when the thoughts become debilitating? Let’s look at the other three reasons we could be going through this.

The second reason some people go through depression is a loss of some kind. Last month I talked about the pain of loss and grief. In week one I talked about how the sudden loss of someone can almost take the wind out of us.  In week two I talked about the different challenges that someone goes through when their loves one passes away after health challenges.  In week three we talked about how loss does not just mean losing a loved one.  When we lose our health, finances and purpose, we go through the same grieving process as if we were to lose a human.  Lastly in week four I talked about how God understood and understands loss because when he was on earth, he experienced the loss of loved ones.  The loss of ANY kind—a parent, friend, job, dog, lifestyle, spouse, child, divorce—can trigger depression. Depression will linger the longer that person does not get help with addressing the loss.

There was a young man that lost his dog and he found himself fighting off feelings of suicide. The loss of a dog is…just a pet to some…but it was his lifeline. One day he found himself under a tree with a knife ready to slit his wrist. When he went through a divorce and had no one at home to greet him, he had this wonderful companion who greeted him and kept him company. This pet went on trips, went on walks, slept with him, and licked his tears. It did not matter what state he was in; this dog was there. His dog’s unexpected death made everything that he was going through heightened. It wasn’t just a dog; this companion was evidence that he was not alone in this world when everyone had abandoned him.

We can’t belittle anyone’s loss and that goes for a child as well. We assume that kids don’t face these things, but suicide is the third leading killer of kids from the ages of 10-14 (Clinton, Hart, & Ohlschlager, 2005). Those that are not familiar and lack empathy with this kind of pain, will say things like, “it was just…”, or “It was over 10 years ago, why are you still upset?”, “just get over it.” These words don’t help, it just pushes that person back into their depression because no one wants out of this mentality more than them. The world we all live in is ours to determine what is important and what is meaningless. The things that make our lives worth living for can vary and when something is ripped away from us it can send us into a spiral that is hard to get over.

The third thing is stress. A huge cause of depression is an unusual amount of stress. A woman that has three young kids that are demanding her attention from the moment she walks in from a 10-hour work shift—with a husband that is checked out—can cause that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. When she is always being pulled in every direction, with no help or time for herself, she can lose sight of who she used to be, leading her to a time of depression. It is no different for a single father that is expected to take care of his family alone—while working 10-14 hours a day—with a wife that is nagging, argumentative and insensitive to his feelings.

The Number One Reason for Depression?

What can some say is the number one reason for depression? Now, yes we can have chemical and hormone issues, loss of some kind that breaks our hearts, and we may experience stress that is greater than we can handle, but the last reason for depression is faulty thinking. It is more toxic than every other issue. Before depression hits its full peak, we bombard our minds with negative thoughts that prove to be very destructive. These thoughts are called, “Self-talk.” What is the conversation that you have with yourself when no-one is around? Do you continue to remind yourself that you are a loser, failure, an outcast, not accepted, hated, rejected, plain, fat, too skinny, poor, unwanted, dirty, damaged, untalented, forgotten, a mistake, overlooked, disqualified, ugly, stupid, foolish, dumb and more? I’m sure I missed something, but these are the ones that overwhelm most of us. It is these thoughts that keep us bound in our thoughts, relationship and work. It keeps us from believing that the promises that God has pertain to us.

The other part of having faulty thinking or destructive self-talk can stem from sin. The truth is that we place ourselves in situations where we choose our own desires over God’s. The consequences of our sin don’t always get erased because we say we are sorry. When we enter into that sexual relationship and we experience the loss of that relationship, it may bring depression. The failing of a marriage due to our neglect or our infidelity, causes a spiral of thoughts that stem from our actions. The painful reality—that may be hard to hear—is that some of our actions may have dug the pit that we are in right now.

So, if it is our fault does that mean God won’t help us? Whether it is our fault or not, God is able to get us out of our pit, but it is our responsibility not to fall in it again.

Psalms 40:1, 2

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

Psalms 69:15

Let not the flood sweep over me,

or the deep swallow me up,

or the pit close its mouth over me.

In the first set of verses, it says that they waited patiently for the Lord. Sometimes that’s the problem, we lack the patience to allow God to heal us. As much as we are living in a fast world, we do not have a fast God. There may be those that find healing immediately but there will be those that will need this patience. When we give ourselves to him, God answers the prayer in Psalms 69:15 and reassures us during our difficult times.

*Most of this article is taken from “Caring for People God’s Way” by Tim Clinton.

Weekly Challenge:

Read Psalms 88

I would encourage you to read this and take a moment to see if there are any thoughts that mirror your own. Then reflect on Psalms 40:1, 2

No one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email @thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.