The Disorder of Losing Order

How does a child process losing every almost everything?  Leaving your job, leaving friends, family, and all that you are familiar with in order to venture off into something new can be scary, lonely and daring. My mother and father wanted a new life for my brother and I. In the beautiful island of Jamaica where there are tourist and cruises galore—poverty and crime knocked on the doors of many of the locals. My parents felt that America had more to offer so they contacted family who were already in the states and asked if my mother and I could come live with them for a short time to get life in America started.  

Leaving Jamaica, my dad, and my brother–who was my everything–to go to a foreign country was more than I could handle at three years old.  April 15, 1981, I left my beautiful tropical island where I wore almost nothing and was sweating during the month of December, to stepping off a plane to be in a huge building in frigid cold spring weather–was one of the shocks my mind would encounter. Wearing a onesie and a pair of sandals was not the ideal attire in this new land. My aunt—who I did not know at the time—quickly greeted my mother and wrapped me up in her coat and we headed to her house.  

I did not know what was going on. Where was my dad? Where was my brother and when were we going home? I remember all too well the confusion of who my new family members were and questioning why we couldn’t see my father and my brother. I eventually settled in my mind that things were different. But just when I got use to the idea of being in a new place that was colder than Jamaica ever got or that I had no backyard to play in and that my brother and father would join “later”…something else rocked me. My mother was not able to stay with us. The rest of my aunt’s family was coming up from Jamaica and my mother would have to find a place so she could start her own life.  

I was devastated the day my mother explained that she was going to have to leave me with my aunt…whom I had only known for a few months, if that. How could she leave me? This couldn’t be happening. My world was spinning. She promised she would come and visit as much as she could but that was not enough. She was my safety; the only thing I had left. I was in a foreign country with people I barely knew. I had not one toy or anything I was used to. But all of that was okay as long as I had her. I would go anywhere as long as she was with me. When she said she was leaving it was like everything that I had been through came to a head. I remember many days of screaming and yelling and clawing at her as she was leaving. My world was ending in my mind..because in a way it was.  

My mind was already experiencing trauma from not understanding what was going on. My mind wasn’t, and nor is any child’s mind, able to process being apart from their parent especially when the parents are their safe haven. It is the place a child runs when they feel afraid or that there is danger. Where was I going to run when I felt unsafe? I wasn’t in any danger, or was I? My aunt was and is still an amazing woman. She tried to take care of me as well as my mother ever could but one of her sons (my cousin) erased that feeling of safety when he started molesting me. I wanted my brother and he fulfilled that feeling a little but when I started to protest, he started threatening to tell my mother not to come to visit me anymore.  

Shortly after I gave into his demands my mother came to visit and I stuck to her like glue. I remember my cousin calling me into the room and I told him “NO.” I thought it was the time my mother was going to take me to her place for the weekend but to my surprise she was unable to take me and when it was time for her to leave, I remember having a full-on tantrum. I held on to her and screamed and held on to the door and fought anyone that came to me. I screamed for my mother for an unusual amount of time and it wasn’t until I was told to “Be quiet or else!”  I knew what was in store for me after.  

What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

It is a condition that occurs when someone has gone through a very traumatic experience as I did. Let me explain it this way, when someone is placed in–what they define as– a life-threatening experience there is a switch that God has built into us that changes our way of handling something in a life-threatening situation. Normally, we would take more time to think and rationalize decisions which is why we can watch a TV show and question someone’s decision because we have time to think. But when you have less than a second to decide how to survive, you stop rationalizing, but only react.  

The reacting switch is awesome for soldiers in war, a person in a crashing plane, or someone in a burning building. However, when the war is over, all the passengers are off the plane and the fire is out when someone’s reaction switch is not turned off, that’s when PTSD sets in. For example, it’s when a soldier hears a noise resembling a bomb or grenade (like a firecracker) that will turn that switch on and he will start to react to his surroundings where he was just rationalizing.  

Did you know that it has been said that 5.2 million people between the ages of 18-54 are diagnosed with PTSD. Studies show that the statistics for this is much higher. The sad thing is that 75% of people will experience some type of severely traumatic experience in their lifetime and 20% will develop PTSD.*  

Why would 20 percent of people develop this disorder? I see it in this way.  God never changed his design of man. When He created this world there were things we were not meant to have to experience such as war, murder, rape, molestation, death, car crashes…etc. It was the fall of man that brought those things into existence.  With the Fall came, things that our original minds were not able to handle and deal with, not alone anyway.  Even the trauma of being away from my father and brother was a lot but my mother leaving was too much for me. My mind started going on survival mode by the time my cousin was with me.  

Did you know that early childhood trauma is many times more powerful than that which is experienced as an adult?  It not only generates extreme stress, it disrupts one’s development of mental and emotional abilities to cope with relationship challenges? Every child separates from their parents even for a short period of time.  For me, my mother was my safe haven and my refuge when I was unsafe.   

It Could be Anything

How could sending your child to school for the first time bring on PTSD? Several weeks ago, I watched an interview with a young man and his wife who was talking about the first day of school for their oldest child. Tears started to roll down the man’s face as he was recalling the day that he walked his little girl to the door of the elementary school. Why in the world could this be so traumatic for someone? If you as a parent decide to send your child to school instead of home schooling them, this is a normal process. As a survivor of the 1999 columbine shooting, this 35+ year old man was trying to get through his PTSD. In 1999 his high school was overtaken by two peers who went through their school shooting fellow peers and teachers. When anyone survives an ordeal like this, it makes sense that when it is now their child’s time to be dropped off at school, the memories, the anxiety, fear and the reliving of such a moment would haunt anyone. How would you feel dropping your child off? How would you be on day one, day two or day three? Maybe you could get through pre-school but what would happen when your child was in high school? Would fear run through your spine when your child comes home and talks about kids that were aggressive, boisterous and threatening?  

Do you feel like you are misunderstood, maybe you misunderstand your issues yourself, Through the Winters would like to help you.  In the upcoming month we are going to talk about the  affects of PTSD and the pain of living with this.  Look at this verse.

“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
    “I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
    if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
    I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
    give you a long drink of salvation!” Psalms 91:14-16 (MSG)

God is the only way to get through this but we must be willing to hold on to him for dear life.  He will be the one to get us out and take care of us.  We have to learn to call on him and believe that when we have a PTSD episode that he will answer us and he will be by our side during bad times.  But no one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email at thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

*Statistics are found in Caring For People God’s Way, by Tim Clinton.