One Hot Messed Up World

What do you do when the world your parent’s tried to create for you crumbles around you?  You discover that everything about this world is a lie.  You thought that you were safe and that the place you were in was sturdy and indestructible; that the people in it were honest and committed.

Last week we met a new member of our writing team that we will call, One Hot Mess or (OHM) for short.  She shared with us part one of her testimony in week one where the world she found comfort and acceptance was now crumbling.  It began when she started going to a church and discovered that her parents had been living in sin her whole life.  They were never married and yet her father was an elder in the church.  Once she confronted them, it wasn’t long before they got married after 14 – 15 years of living together.  Then, not even three months after this long-awaited wedding, they gave up on the marriage and announced their decision to divorce.  It was during this time that OHM saw her world through new eyes and it hurt her dearly.  Her concept and understanding of “love” was based on what she saw before her; the father she thought she knew was not the protector that he presented himself to be.  

Nothing was real, so she went on a journey to find her own truth.  Everything that she thought was good, right and strong was now it’s viewed as evil, wrong and weak.  Let’s have her continue her story.

The Door to Self-Destruction

During this time I was dating a guy who was 17 while I was 14. He was not the kind of guy I wanted to introduce to my parents — he smoked cigarettes and weed and went to the alternative school due to the fact that he would throw chairs at teachers.  I was with him because he thought I was pretty and he made me feel special.  During one steamy make-out session, I stopped him and said, “You have to use protection.”  Sex was not his intention — I had told him I planned to remain a virgin until marriage — but in preparation for that “date” I changed my mind.  I made the decision that if no one could protect me, I would be in control of how I used my body before someone could take advantage of me.  I lost my virginity at 14 years old—8th grade.  Little did I know that that one decision would crack open the door to what would truly be the worst year of my life.

When one physical boundary is crossed, it’s so easy to cross another and another.  My relationship with that 17-year-old didn’t last through the summer, and I had no tears for him.  As a high school freshman, I moved on to a senior named Johnny.  Johnny liked me for more than just my body.  We enjoyed having intellectual conversations with each other.  I really liked him.  So when he started calling me “babe,” I assumed we were a couple.  I did things for Johnny sexually that I had told myself I would never do.  So, I told myself, “It’s okay, he’s my boyfriend.”  I assumed that to justify my actions and cope with the regret I felt, but I wasn’t really sure.  I decided to ask Johnny, “Are we dating?” 

He said, “No, I’m not ready for a relationship.”

I didn’t see that coming.  Because I was a “self-respecting” young woman, I “broke it off” with Johnny.  Since we were just friends, we needed to act like just friends.  Johnny didn’t like that.  To make matters worse, his friends made fun of him for being “dumped” by a freshman. 

In classic teenaged drama fashion, he took out his anger on one of my friends, so I texted him to tell him off.  We argued back and forth until finally, he threatened to tell the whole school the sexual things I did for him.  With a false ego, I said, “Go for it, they’ll probably see me as a Queen.” 

One Hot Mess was leaving the world her parents made of deception and delusion, but she created for herself a world filled with a whole new set of lies and illusions.  She set standards for herself that she would later lay down.  OHM put her standards aside for someone whom she thought would care for her.  She saw herself as a self-respected young woman, but her behavior showed differently.  She broke off a relationship where there was no connection.  

Is she different from us?  I know that humanity tends to create a world for themselves where they believe the lies that seem fitting to their standards.  They tell themselves lies like: “I’m in control”,  “I know what I am doing”,  “I’m doing what is best for me.”  When we lie to ourselves in these ways, we are heading right for danger and don’t know it.  OHM was about to face the unexpected all the while trying to keep her world together.

So the next day, Johnny went around the whole school showing everyone the text message I sent him.  I was officially labeled “Slut Queen” (profanity edited).

A Queen Without Honor

For the next several weeks, I would walk through the hallways at school and guys would shout “Slut Queen” as I passed by without teachers having any idea of what was going on. One guy called me a “female dog” after he followed me home from school because I wouldn’t give him my phone number.  I was depressed and caving in under the weight of these bullies.  So when Johnny approached me with what seemed like a chance to make peace with him, I agreed.  He asked me if I would perform the same sexual act for one of his friends for a certain amount of money.  I said yes.  I thought, “I can team up with him, and this will get him off my back.  This will stop him from totally destroying me.”  However, Johnny played me. 

After I did the deed, I got absolutely nothing.  He had not planned to uphold the terms of my service.  Instead, when I asked him about the money, he laughed at me as he and his friend walked away.  I was more worthless than worthless.  I never spoke to Johnny again, but what I did must have been degrading enough to satisfy his vengeance, so he left me alone.  However, because the “rumors” had spread, he was replaced with ravenous upperclassmen boys who stalked me between classes and at lunch, telling me I was “beautiful” and begging me for my number.  I learned very quickly that they were after one thing… It was a trick I fell into multiple times.  Later, I “befriended” one of Johnny’s friends, Damon, who opened the floodgates of a promiscuous hell for me until I was able to cut ties with him.  That would last through January of freshman year.

After a while, the guys were focused on graduating, and the gossip subsided, but I lost my friends, my dignity, and my grades in the process.  During the second half of freshman year, days before my 15th birthday, my parents divorced.  Around this time my mom, sister and I started going back to church.  That alone gave me an ounce of the hope that I remembered once having as a little girl, and it helped me to cut off the toxic relationships I was in.  I even started going to youth group and got baptized.  However, I was still just being religious, trying to clean myself up and clinging to what I needed in order to get through the war zone at school. 

One Hot Mess’ testimony mirrors many of the lives from the Bible.  Eve was deceived into thinking her one decision to eat the fruit would give her what she wanted.  Moses thought that if he killed the Egyptian, he could help free the Israelites.  David thought that by getting rid of Uriah (Bathsheba’s husband), he could cover up power raping and impregnating her.  Peter even thought that by denying to know Jesus he would be safe from getting persecuted.  The truth, however for all these people, including OHM, is that we never truly achieve what we hope until we learn to surrender our will to God.  The question now is, what would it take for One Hot Mess to get to this place?  Join us next week as we continue her journey.

Weekly Challenge:

Are you making decisions that mirror the lies you are believing?  Are you lying to yourself that you are in control, or maybe you feel like your decisions are only affecting you?  Take out a journal and be honest with God about the areas that you need to confront and give to God.  Honor God in your decisions and see him put your world back together.

If you are struggling with life choices and need help, contact Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.