Wasted Help

In a time of pure frustration I sometimes ask myself, “Does God call us to help everyone? Does He call us to ever walk away from those who refuse help?”  In the 20 plus years that I have been in ministry, I have come across a lot of people.  As a pastor my heart has been rewarded to see the many teens, young adults and adults turn away from the lifestyles they used to be in and embrace a new one where God is leading and guiding them.  I have had the pleasure of mentoring those who have taken my advice and gone on to get married, have children, become missionaries, able to walk in their dream and live a fulfilling life.

Sadly, those were not the only results of the lives whose paths I have crossed while serving in ministry.  Along with the proud days I’ve also had those days when I would sit in my office and cry because someone has totally walked away from the idea of God just to embrace the lie that they are worthless.  They were people that I had grown to know and love who found themselves in such a sad place that they committed suicide, got involved in toxic relationships became pregnant outside of marriage and/or suffered with drug abuse.  I have wept over the lives of many, who claimed to want the help, but when faced with truth they chose to instead turn on me.

We have taken the month of February to talk about love.  Love can be painful when you are the one trying to give it unconditionally.  I’d want nothing more than to reassure you that in every encounter you have, that causes you to love a person, will end in happiness but, I can’t.  You know the phrase, “Good things happen to those who wait?”  While in some cases this is true, it is also true that at times the happy ending we are all looking for in our relationships with others may not always come. In some instances we may not be around to witness the good results behind our times of sacrifice.  Let me share one story.

There was a young man I quickly got close to, who battled with pure hatred for his father.  He was so angry because he felt that his dad was verbally abusive to his mother and younger brother.  This side of his father wasn’t seen by anyone but them.  In the public eye the father put on a façade that made him appear loving and caring.  The young man was always talking about what his father did to his brother and mother, but never said anything directly about what his father did to him personally.  The only thing he ever said was, “My dad is supposed to be a Christian, but yet treats us all like garbage.”

Stubborn Bitterness

His mother took ill and this young man’s family was rocked by the amount of treatments she would need to receive to get better.  This unforeseen circumstance caused his father to change his ways and he started to treat his mother much better.  The father, according to the young man, became more attentive and loving to his wife.  In fact, their relationship strengthened.  But the young man still held anger towards his father and refused to entertain the idea of forgiveness.  If anything, he blamed his dad all the more for causing his mother to be ill.

The young man was about 17 by this time and he was so bitter because his father was pretending like nothing from the past ever happened.  In all appearances, his father was making strides to be better.  He stopped drinking, got more involved in his church and really worked hard to be the man God had created him to be, but for his son the damage was already done.

How do you bring a sweet promise to a bitter person?  The young man would meet with me in my office from time to time and each time we met I felt like my words were falling on deaf ears more and more.  Have you ever had someone in your life who made you feel like they just didn’t want to hear you?  You are trying to encourage, but they don’t want to turn from their bitterness? This young man was bent on bitterness.  He never disrespected me, but in the process of his father getting better, he in turn was getting worse.  He soon became the thing he hated as he became the one who did the name calling and cursing at home.  He was breaking his curfew and began doing drugs, drinking and smoking.

How hard is it for you to watch those you love make stupid mistakes?  There were times where I wanted to just grab him and shake him because I knew that he was heading to a place I could not go.  It was hard to witness this change in him because, although he wasn’t the most well behaved young man, he was a good guy.  All I could do was love him through his stubbornness.  One day as we were talking and I was telling him that God forgives, and he just screamed out, “HOW CAN GOD FORGIVE MY DAD FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME?”  I was taken back.  He went on and said, “Not for what he did to my mom or what he did to my brother, but what he did to me!”  I caught that right away.  For the first time I finally heard him spew out all the things he experienced at a young age from his dad.  All the names he was called, the forms of discipline that was given and the rejection he felt for being told that he should never had been born.  Although he was still mad at his father for all these things, he was now angry at God for giving his dad a second chance.

This young man’s story had him going through many twists and turns.  In his eyes there was no silver lining.  Things progressed more when his father had to kick him out of the house because of his actions and behavior.  He was now 19 and nothing penetrated him; my advice, his friends prayers, absolutely nothing.  He became a rebel.  His younger brother, who once looked up to him, had pulled away and his mother, who he was so worried about being hurt by his father, would cry when trying to talk to him.  Somehow, he still had respect for me when we spoke even though I had to tell him about his wrongs.

It’s Not About Me

It was during these rough times where I learned some things about myself as well that I wanted to share to encourage you.

1. It’s not about me:  I had to learn that when this young man was rejecting my advice, he wasn’t rejecting me.  Many who struggle with bitterness don’t want to hear the truth.  You cannot give into the temptation of taking it personal.

2. I need to do my best:  My biggest responsibility is not to make them change but to do my best to obey God and love them the way God has asked me to.  You and I may have the desire to quit on them, be harsh to them, tell them where to go and call an Uber to get them there, but we must put our skepticism to the side and continue doing our best.

3. I can never give up:  As long as they are alive and kicking anything can happen.  We cannot allow the present situation to convince us that there is no hope.  Some people need an anchor during the times when they are going through storms.  If we are the only constant thing they know, that becomes the most important role to lead them back to truth.

No matter how hard I tried to minister to this young man through the years, he would know what he had to do, but never did it.  At one point he did forgive his father, but it didn’t change his heart.  I cared and still care for this young man; however, at some point I ran out of advice.  He would call me to ask what he should do, and I would answer, “Did you do the last thing I told you to do?”

He always gave excuses and eventually responded, “No.”

“Then that’s what you have to do.”

He didn’t see that his poor choices were resulting in bad outcomes.  This went on for two years and each time it was harder and harder for me to see him fall into situations and get worse.  What made it even harder for me was that he did not stop believing in God.  Somehow he used that as his reason to continue to rebel.  He felt that God was doing this to him and so he rebelled even more.  Had it not have been for the love that God gave me to help this young man, I think I would have lost it long ago.

There will be times when those who seek our help, don’t want it in the way we offer it.  They will, at times, know what they need to do to change yet refuse to do so.  We can’t force people to want something better; we can show them the way, help with directions and steps, and even provide opportunities for them.  In the end it must be their choice.  The hardest part for us is if the person we are trying to help is someone we care for.  It can become taxing on us emotionally and even cause us to go too far in trying to help.  We must, as best as possible, leave the door open for them to come back, but at the same time hold our ground with having patience and most of all the love of Christ.

All of us who try to help those who come from walks of life where they have experienced pain must recognize that we might not be able to help everyone.  But where I find some solace is in knowing that when I did try, I planted a seed of hope in each one.  The watering of that seed is now left in someone else’s hands.  In the meantime we are called not just to speak, but to also pray and love those who are hurt and broken.  We ask God to break the stubborn, hardened, stony heart and to reveal Himself each day to the person more and more.

Weekly Challenge:

Read Nehemiah 9:28-31.  God is not ignorant of helping those who are stubborn but look at how he responded to their evil.  I encourage you to place the name of your loved ones before God and check your heart to see some things that you can do differently to exhibit more patience during your stubborn love.