Loveless Love

What does it feel like to be in a loveless relationship?  It doesn’t have to be just a marriage, but a friendship where you are giving all, and the other offers nothing.  How about loving a parent and them not reciprocate the love in return.  They leave you when you need them the most; treat you as if your feelings don’t matter.  You do all that you can in these loveless relationships, and you get nothing in return.  In continuing with our series, “Mangled Motherhood,” there was a mother whose story always hits my heart.  She was devalued by everyone around her and the one person she desired love from, did not love her in return.  In hopes of acceptance, she lives vicariously through her children. She unintentionally devalues them by using them to fulfill her need for love from her husband; she desired for him to see her as more than he did.

This week we start off our bible study with a mother who was not only in a loveless marriage; but with a man that hated her.  He openly states that he doesn’t want her and never did.  The only means of affections she received from him was when she was fulfilling his sexually.  In his heart he desired someone else; everyone knows it.  There was a glimmer of hope the day this hurt soul found out that she was pregnant for the first time.  But before we talk about her as a mother, let’s see how she found herself chained to a man that detested her.

I Want That Love

This story can be found in Genesis 29-30 .  I am going to use some creative license to fill in some gaps that the story does not mention but alludes to.

Leah was the oldest of Laban two daughters.  Her younger sister Rachel was beautiful in every way.  She had the looks, the charm and the elegance that no one ever seemed to accuse Leah of having.  It was like any other day when a man by the name of Jacob came to the house with her sister Rachel.  Rachel found him at the community watering hole and assisted her in fetching water for the animals.  He was a much older fellow, but there was something about him that was striking.  Sadly, he only seemed to have eyes for Rachel when she came into the room or walked by.  

Jacob was not going to be leaving anytime soon.  Not too long after he came, he started working for her father tending the sheep.  Jacob’s heart became set on getting her sister even though Leah was gaining her own feelings for him.  To everyone’s surprise, Jacob announced that he wanted Rachel as his wife, but due to the fact he did have any money to give Laban for her—yeah in those days women were considered property—he was willing to work for as long as seven years for Rachel’s hand in marriage.

What was that like for Leah to see her baby sister betroth to marriage before her?  Jacob loved her so much that he was willing to work a whole seven years for her!  For the next seven years, she watched as he wooed her, romanced her, laughed with her, whispered to her, talked with her; while Leah was on the side desiring that kind of love.  She craved the acceptance, the nostalgic feeling of being embraced, comforted and cared for.  Will Leah ever get anything like that?  Could she ever get that?

How does it feel to see love so close but not able to touch it?  What happens when others around you have what you desire?  You ask for it, desire it, pray for it but get none of it.  Well, Leah was heading there.  She is someone that can relate to you!

Rachel and Jacob’s special day was finally here.  Seven years was like nothing for Jacob, but it wasn’t that quick for everyone else. 

Everyone came out to see these two finally get wed and exchange their vows.  There was celebrating, eating and drinking as the two danced and laughed with guests and each other.  As everyone was enjoying the fine wine and the food that was spread out for everyone, Laban was making plans for something unthinkable.

Just One Night of Love

The wedding was beautiful, and finally, after seven years, Rachel and Jacob were going to be together.  Jacob walked into his bedroom to meet Rachel were the lights were off; for the first time, he was able to make love to the woman he worked so hard for.  That night would be a night they would both remember…forever.  

Morning came, and Jacob was intoxicated with the memory of making love to his bride the night before.  He rolled over to see the shape of his new bride under the covers.  When he pulls her close to see his new bride’s face, he is surprised that the one laying in bed with him was not Rachel.  He had been tricked!!  LEAH had taken Rachel’s place in the marriage bed!!  Jacob looked at her, and with pure disbelief and anger, he demanded answers.  Leah explained that Laban made her take Rachel’s place.  

She blamed her father for this deception, but in her heart, she loved being in her sister’s shoes for that one night.  Her secret love for him was acted out that night and for the first time she knew what it was like to be Rachel; loved, wooed, romance and accepted.  He held her and spoke tenderly to her; it felt right but so wrong.  I’m sure that tears streamed down her face knowing that it would all end in the morning.  

Jacob was furious and confused.  She will never forget the look he gave her and the look of disgust when he realized that everything he said to her last night was to another woman.  Her father and Jacob argued for a while.  Was there any recovering from this?  How much value do you think she had at that moment?  Her father used her to trick Jacob and Jacob was disgusted by her.  Her sister was broken because she had sex with her husband before Rachel could?  Even though Rachel said the vows, Leah was technically married to him now.  

Laban explained to Jacob that it is not customary to marry off the younger daughter before the older so if he really wanted to marry Rachel,  he would have to work another seven years for her.  The first seven years would only pay off Leah.  Now he must finish out Leah’s (honeymoon time) so to speak and then he would give him Rachel.  This was not the best way to start a marriage.  Leah was in love with Jacob; she did all that she could to gain his love, but sadly he hated her.  Jacob’s sexual encounter with Leah was definitely less intimate than the first time he had sex with her thinking she was Rachel.

Maybe Now You’ll Love Me

The Bible said in Genesis 29:31,

“When the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.”

God saw her hurt, he saw how rejected she was so he gave her something that Rachel didn’t have.  He gave her a beautiful baby boy.  She held that baby with hopes of—not only being a good mother but with the hopes—Jacob staying connected to her; this was why she named her first son Reuben meaning “Behold a son!”  This declaration was to get Jacob to see that she was able to continue his legacy and name.   Jacob loved her son, but sadly, that was the only one that he loved.  He continued to desire Rachel over her.

Maybe you are not a mother having children to get your husband to love you, or maybe you are.  Some women have children to keep their husband.  But let’s pretend that baby is something else.  How many of us try to achieve what we can to substitute for what we cannot?  We try to get the grades, make money, be the funniest, be the loudest, sacrifice the most, to gain acceptance.  What do you do for approval?

During the time that Rachel could not have children, Leah had another son Simeon and felt his life proved that God was hearing how much she was hated.  Then she had Levi, and the Bible says that she was believing in her heart that this time Jacob would bond with her.  Her fourth son was called Judah, and this child represented that she needed to give God the praise during this painful time of her life.  Poor Leah sought approval from her husband with each child and came up short every single time.  

Eventually, God shut her womb, it could have been for many reasons, but you see that Leah’s desire to have children is not for the main goal of having a big family.  Rachel being barren, offered Jacob her servant in order to bear him a child in her name.  When Leah heard this, she, in turn, offered him her own servant as well.  (This was a sick game that Jacob was perfectly fine in playing.)  Leah’s jealousy continued to grow even though she had four children already.  Leah mirrored her sister’s stupidity by getting her own servant to do the same thing as Rachel’s.  

Leah eventually started having children again, but nothing changed.  You see there was one thing that Leah could not appreciate and that was the love of God.  Leah wanted man’s love but could not enjoy God’s love.  He saw her need for acceptance and gave her what she desired; however, she used His blessings for selfish hopes to bait in her husband.  Her children loved her, yet used them the way Laban used her.  Leah treated those who did love her, the same way she had been treated in the past.

Yes, life is not fair—sucks even—but are we so fixed on what we are not getting that we bypass what we are getting?  You can talk about how unfair life is treating us, but we fail to acknowledge our destructive actions.   

Weekly Challenge:

Even though Leah was not loved by her husband God used her vicarious living to bring about Judah, the great great great great grandfather (maybe be a few more great) of the Messiah.  Greatness came fromher deepest pain.  But I must ask, do you use others to get approval love?  Take a moment to think about relationships you may have used to finally get the love you’ve been looking for.  Take a minute to read Psalms 9.  It is God we must find approval from.  It is with God at the center, we can see our children for who they really are.  Please feel free to respond below or email us on the side for additional help.
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