Have you ever lived in a world of lies, one full of disillusion?  How do you move away from that kind of world in hopes to enter a world of truth and value?  What would your first step be to change from one to the other?  

In these last four weeks, we have had the pleasure of meeting “One Hot Mess,” TTW’s newest blogger.  She has shared with us of how her childhood was a lie in week one , then about a season in her life where everything began falling apart week two.  She shared with us about the paths she took leading her into darker territories of her life week three  , and lastly, she admitted to us God needed her to face the lies in order to give her the truth week four .  In this article OHM, wants to share with us some of the steps she to live the life God had destined for her.

Acceptance Is The First Step

I reached out to Marsha as she was getting ready to launch this website and republish her first book.  I explained to her all that I was struggling with, and she began to counsel me.  I had been to other counselors in high school (like when my mom and dad divorced for example) and to the Christian therapist before I had my daughter, but my time with Marsha was different because as God led her, she not only asked me questions, she gave her own insight to what I shared.

The hardest part was when I told Marsha my whole story.  I had such a hard time talking about Damon, but she wouldn’t let me get past it.  I started out by saying, “Damon and I were intimate.”  She said, “No, you weren’t intimate.  That’s what you do with your husband.”  So I struggled to say, “I had sex with him.”  As I went on Marsha asked me, “If you knew what was going to happen that night, would you have had sex with Damon?”  I said, “No,” so she asked, “Okay so what does that mean?”  I had already been crying at this point, but it hurt so much for me to admit that Damon had betrayed me. He was dishonest with me, and because of his dishonesty, I was pinned to make a decision I would not have otherwise made.  I had to acknowledge that I not only “had sex,” I had been violated. 

We went on to discuss why this was so hard for me to admit.  The control I had been trying to gain from when my parents separated back in middle school is the same control I wanted to keep by denying what happened to me with Damon.  I would be lying if I said I fully believed all of this after speaking to Marsha.  At first, it made sense, and I was completely shocked, but I questioned if it was true.  For years I had thought of myself as a nasty, promiscuous girl and that was the testimony I had always shared when people asked me how I became a follower of Jesus.  Don’t get me wrong, I was promiscuous in other parts of my testimony, but this instance was the one that I would use to define who I was.  So I wrestled with what Marsha showed me because if it was true, it would change everything.

My biggest fear of sharing my full story was not knowing whether people would believe I was violated or just think I was a dirty, good-for-nothing. I was looking for the world to confirm what had happened to me because I didn’t think my feelings alone proved anything. I had reasoned that yes, Damon lied, but I fell for the lie.  I reasoned that because I never said no, I did give my consent.  My conversation with Marsha made me rethink those things, so I decided to do some research on what consent is.  Allow me to take a moment to share what I learned — it just happens to be what God used to set me free.

What Is Consent?

Here is what I always knew:

Consent is when two (or more) parties have a mutual agreement and desire to do something, and have the freedom or perceived freedom to say no at any time to that something. In my case, that something was sex or anything related to it.

When one party says, “no,” the other party does not have consent and should not move forward.

Here’s what I know from experience:

Consent doesn’t always have to be asked, and you can consent without saying yes. For example, Jackson doesn’t necessarily have to ask me if I want to have sex, sometimes he can just take my non-verbal communication as wanting him to make love to me.

This is what my research taught me:

Saying yes doesn’t always mean consent.  If a person feels pressured or threatened to say yes against their desire, that is not consent; it is called sexual coercion.

The University of Michigan says that coercion is “a tactic used by perpetrators to intimidate, trick or force someone to have sex with him/her without physical force.” Also, “A perpetrator who uses coercive tactics knows that his or her victim neither wants nor enjoys this sexual interaction.”

Specifically in my case, The University of Michigan lists “I’ll spread rumors about you if you don’t have sex with me” as a coercive statement. This wasn’t one that was said to me directly, but it was part of the pressure I felt being used against me as I made my decisions.

Back when I researched this for the first time I just searched the internet for “What is consent?”  I knew I hadn’t been “raped” or even “sexually assaulted” so I thought that because I didn’t have a legal term for what I had experienced, I wasn’t really a victim.  I found one website that mentioned sexual coercion, a term I had never heard before, and I cried because I felt like that was precisely what had happened to me.  Now that I know the term, I can search for it online, and several articles about it shows up, further confirming that just because a person says yes, doesn’t mean there was consent.

This was OHM’s truth but what’s yours?  Maybe you need to admit that you are in a domestic violent relationship.  It could very well be that you have to admit that you battle with feelings of being abandoned. Or maybe you don’t want to admit that you are addicted to something, drugs, alcohol or pornography…you have to face the truth to break apart the lies.  The Bible says that truth will set you free (scripture).  Jesus is the truth that will get you free from the lies you are battling with. 

The Beginning of Freedom

My research gave me the validation I needed to start healing.  I was able to pity myself because I no longer saw myself as repulsive. Rather, I was able to forgive myself, and I started to look at myself with the comfort God had for me.  I also suddenly hated Damon and all the guys who were involved.  I was angry that they took advantage of me and that they let me think it was my fault.  I was also completely hurt over how Johnny prostituted me to his friend, as I shared in week 4.  Because I had “forgiven” them for something I thought I chose, I wasn’t prepared to go backwards and have bitterness toward them.  Now I know that I needed to understand what had truly happened in order to truly forgive and truly be free. I wasn’t experiencing freedom up to that point because I didn’t even know what I needed to forgive them for. It took a long time for me to do it for real, and I know that was completely normal.

For a little while I also struggled with acknowledging that God allowed these boys to hurt me, and I had a hard time forgiving Him.  Marsha’s blogs on forgiveness helped me so much to believe that even though I didn’t understand, God is good.

I was also able to learn how to change my mentality from victim to victor. After accepting my story for what it really was, I finally had power over the flashbacks I had at night. Because I knew where they came from and why they were so impactful, I was able to turn to God instead of expecting my husband to make things better for me. I had to work hard at capturing those thoughts that wanted me to feel defeated and depressed.  My husband and I also attended counseling together.  I learned how to communicate the things that would trigger the defense response I had at the beginning of our marriage, but I also learned how to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he loves me.

I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not hurting anymore.  Even though I actively forgive those boys, I am still being healed. However, I do know that if I saw them on the street, by God’s grace I would be kind toward them. That is truly freedom for me.

Freedom for You

I struggled for a long time because I didn’t really know what I needed God’s help with. How can we be healed if we don’t realize what we need healing from? I encourage you, if there are things from your own past that seem to be interrupting your life and consuming your joy, don’t ignore them, dig into them. Find a Christian counselor and work through the pain or trauma that you may have.  Even if you have tried therapy before, sometimes different seasons bring up different issues.  “Shop around” for a counselor until you find one who helps you to see the big picture that you may be missing.

I also want to challenge you. Once you have started talking to a professional about the things you have been struggling with, begin to look at areas where you can start to walk in victory — not as a way to deny what has happened, but to solidify the work that you put into embracing your whole story. For me, walking in victory meant taking responsibility for my emotions and seeking God first over the people he has placed in my life; then communicating with them how to help me. Now the flashbacks are rare, my husband can touch me without me feeling like he’s trying to attack me (it’s more of a tolerable annoyance), and I am trusting that God is with me in my darkness.  There are other things that I need to grow in, but I have come a long way. If God can do it for me, He can absolutely do it for you. If Jesus sets you free, you are free indeed!

If you are in need of help, please feel free to contact us through email at thruthewinters@gmail.com. We have resources we can connect you with.  Follow us on Instagram and Facebook @throughthewinter.