Face to Face With Hopelessness

Have you ever looked hopelessness in the face?  I will never forget the day I spent half an hour with hopelessness.  As a teenager, my husband ran from the idea of being a pastor.  Sam never wanted the job but the very thing he ran from was the very thing that chased after him.  As a pastor, he accepted his role and looked forward to the first wedding, the first baptism, the first baby dedication but he was not ready for what came first.  Shortly, after being credentialed with the Assemblies of God, he got a call from a member of his church that he won’t soon forget.  The distress and the pain in the voice of this father was overwhelming.  Tragedy had hit this home very hard; it was moving in as an unwanted guest.

As Sam helped this church member handle this tragedy, I decided to go to the hospital the next day just to look hopelessness in the face.  When I walked into the ICU, I was faced with a beautiful 19-year-old girl who was lying on the fence of death and life; after she was found hanging in an attempt to commit suicide.  After she was cut down and rushed to the hospital—the doctors broke the news that she may not survive—she was hanging for way too long; there was no hope.  I sat next to her bed as two of her dearest friends wept bitterly on the other side.  I had never been in such an uncomfortable situation before.  I did not know her personally, but I could not help but cry for her loved ones.

As I sat next to her I expected her to be cold and without life, but I took her hand in mine and felt her warmth and wondered if she was even there or if it was just the machines that were giving her the appearance of life.  With tears in my eyes, I stared at her and prayed to myself.  Sadly, I didn’t have the faith to have hope where there seemed to be no hope.  I could not help but wonder what would make a 19-year-old, who has everything going for her, try to kill herself?   Maybe she had no other friends except the two that I saw and she felt that it wasn’t enough.  Watching these two girls I thought, “Who needs more than two loving friends who wouldn’t leave your side—even when death was clinging to you?”

I Can’t Remember a Day Without Hopelessness

As I walked to my car, I wondered what her funeral would look like.  Would it be maybe just a handful of people?  Those who we spoke to testified of her chronic sadness and the multiple signs of her wanting to call it quits and leave this world.  As expected, she did not pull through, but to my surprise, the funeral did not look the way I imagined.  The place was so full that everyone wasn’t able to fit in the room.  She was loved by so many people and the room was overflowing with mourners.  There were people of all ages there.  Kids her age from her high school wept bitterly because they didn’t see her suicide coming.  The consistent testimony they all had was that her joy for life and her gift of happiness was what kept them together.  Many of her peers talked about how this beautiful young adult got them out of their sadness and hopelessness.

I was asked by her father if I could say something to the room of teenagers who looked at hopelessness in the face and accepted it.  As I got up and saw their faces—even though their eyes were open and they showed signs of life—these teenagers had the same look of hopelessness.  With tears in my own eyes, I shared the following story.

“I was only 15-years-old and there was nothing I saw worth living for.  My extremely physical and verbally abusive father passed away only a few months before.  His death was bittersweet as I felt the freedom to breathe, but life was still closing in around me.  My mother was experiencing her own depression—as to be expected—and her emotional deterioration was putting a spiritual weight on me.  Even with the weight of life, I laughed with my friends.  Like this young lady, no one knew what was going on in my mind and heart.  I was not faking my joy when I was with my friends, but when I was with them, I felt out from under the hammer of hopelessness.  I felt like life was good for those moments until I had to return home and face the pains, the memories, the reminder of how a hopeless life was and at that moment I felt desperate.

November of that year I went on a trip to Massachusetts with my youth group.  The trip was going great until my friends all broke out into a huge fight.  I couldn’t handle it.  The only group of people that I found joy with were now yelling at each other and it was too much for me.  I screamed and walked off to…find peace.  I walked to the frozen lake a ways away to think.  I thought…and I thought about just ending everything.  I thought about how I couldn’t go one more day like this.  I was trapped in this hell hole and there was no way out.  I didn’t understand why I still felt trapped even though my abuser was gone.  Jumping in that icy pond, in the middle of November, seemed like a better idea than living one more day in my hurt and pain.  I was tired of experiencing some form of happiness just to have it was taken from me.  So, I held on to the handle of that deck—almost white-knuckling it; then my mind battled with itself wondering how I got there.  One part of me was wanting to jump as the other held on to the railing to keep me from jumping.  I was frozen in the position of just looking at the lake mixed with all sorts of emotions.”

If you are someone who can relate to my story and you find yourself on your ledge, sort of speak, let me ask you the questions I asked myself that day.  How did you get here?  What caused you this pain?  Do you remember a time in your life that you didn’t carry these burdens?  Well let’s talk, it’s just you and me right now.  No one needs to know that we are talking.  So, let me tell you some things and see if you can relate to it.  If you do, don’t be ashamed, I did too and maybe we are not alone and there is another person who is reading this and can relate as well.  Right now let’s make this about you though, and no one else.

Hope Where Are You

What is the definition of hopelessness?  Webster’s Dictionary defines it as: having no expectation of good or success, not susceptible to remedy or cure, incapable of redemption or improvement, giving no reason to expect good or success, giving no ground for hope, incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment.  Think about this definition and do you relate to this?  Do you feel that there is no good coming or anything in your life?  Do you think that there isn’t a remedy or cure for the problem that you are constantly facing?  Maybe you have lost something valuable and you feel like you are incapable of redeeming what has been lost, or that you are incapable of managing your emotions and accomplishing that feeling of happiness, peace, and joy.

I can guarantee that even with a definition like this, it is a total understatement of what actually goes on in your head.  Have you shared what you have been going through?  I bet you have—in your own way—but maybe others didn’t pick up on it.  You see 75-80% of people who are suicidal will somehow communicate it in some way and give clues but because they don’t feel heard.  It is in that they feel their confirmation lies.  That no one cares so then, they can make a serious attempt to ending their life(Book 335).

Have you gotten to that point yet?  Did you drop a clue that no one picked up on?  Well, I want you to know that there is someone that cares and has picked up the clues.

“Why are you cast down, O’ my soul?  And why are you disquieted within me?  Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him. For the help of His countenance.  O’ my God, my soul is cast down within me.”  Psalms 45:5, 6

In these verses, David is speaking to his soul because he is sad, broken, hurt and discouraged, yet somehow, he is about to find the strength to keep going.  He found hope in no one else but God. I believe you can as well.  In God, we can find everything we need.

My story with the young people at the funeral continued as follows…

“On the day that I was gripping the deck and contemplating jumping into that icy lake water, I felt like I had not tried everything.  I wanted to believe that there was one more thing out there.  ANYTHING, but this.  That night I went to a service and I didn’t really care what the pastor was saying, I just got up from my seat and went to the altar and cried before God.  I told him that I could not walk this road alone.  If there were more pain and sorrow ahead of me, I was willing to walk it as long as if He was going to walk it with me.  I asked God for a reassurance that He was with me, for a sign to show me that I would never be alone.  In His love, mercy, and grace He sent me the sign I needed and I never thought of killing myself ever again.”

I explained to them about the love of God and of how He loved them all as well.  Now, to you, I say the same.  God loves you and He sees you where you are.  He is there waiting for you to look to Him for strength.  Though things may seem like they don’t have a purpose, know that He has a purpose for you.  In His love, you will find direction, hope, and freedom from the thoughts that weigh your mind down.

Suicide is not the kind of thing that you can put to the side.  If you are struggling with hopelessness, it may be time for help.  It is possible that you need to consider getting help professionally.  Again, you can’t do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction. Also if you would like to hear more about my testimony read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free!  You can also buy the full book on Amazon!  Please comment below or contact us through email if you need additional help at thruthewinters@gmail.com.