The Crush That Crushed

Have you ever loved someone that didn’t love you back?  I was about twelve years old when I had my first real crush.  I had it bad for the drummer in my church who was about 3 years older than me.  Lame, dorky, pre-teen, were all perfect descriptions of me at that age–when it came to him.  If there was a perfect example of a lovesick teenager I was her.  I found myself sitting closer and closer to the front of the sanctuary, not so that I could get a God experience, but to get a better look at him when he played.  It’s very possible that he couldn’t play for a hill of beans but because I was so “in love”, every beat he hit made me melt into the pew.

I did almost anything to get his attention, but like most 15-year-old boys he was more caught up in himself, he didn’t give me the time of day.  This young man gave as much attention to me as someone would a wilted piece of grass. I can’t forget the day he finally talked to me for the first time.  I don’t remember what he said to me because I think I passed out from shock.  What I also remember though, is the day I saw him kissing a girl from our youth group.  I cried for days.  I had this stupid idea that one day he would see me as someone special enough to pay attention to. All those days of daydreaming about our wedding, our kids, and our future together went out the door.

Even though my eyes saw the kiss and the inappropriate affections of two teenage kids, my heart still hoped that one day he would be with me.  Why would I hope for something like that when it was clear that I was not the one he wanted?  His heart was clearly with some other person.  I felt bad for him because it was obvious that I was more awesome than her but it was his loss…LOL. Eventually, I forgot about my handsome drummer boy with bad judgment and ventured off to something else.

I know that I am not the only one who can relate to placing affection towards someone that doesn’t deserve it.  Can you understand the idea of loving someone that doesn’t love you back? Well God knows that feeling all too well.  Last week we talked about a prophet named Hosea who married a prostitute in obedience to God.  Hosea was a representation of God while Gomer, his wife, was a representation of us.

Undeserved Love

What is it like to really be loved?  Gomer and I have a lot in common because the version of “love” that I was familiar with was one that was abusive, selfish and unforgiving.  Gomer was use to being used and abused like a Kleenex tissue cleaning up an oil spill.  She did not feel comfortable being treated like fine silk.  Hosea tried to heal her through his love but pure love is painful when it just confirms how screwed up you are.  The true love of God is not fuzzy and warm.  The love of God is not as exciting as you think in the beginning.  The painful desire to flee arises when one who is broken and knows nothing of “unfailing love” and it’s pure, relentless, self-less qualities, has a true experience.  Sometimes the shame of our past behavior becomes that more real.

In this heart-wrenching story of Gomer and Hosea, Gomer has run off again.  Due to her need for dysfunction and chaos, she has left her husband and prostituted herself again.  In Hosea chapter 3, Gomer is the victim of–what we now call–human trafficking because she is a slave to the man who captured her.  What does a husband do when he has spent years cleaning up the dirt of his wife, clothed her and loved her as much as he can just for her to seek slavery over safety?

Then God ordered me, “Start all over: Love your wife again,

your wife who’s in bed with her latest boyfriend, your cheating wife.

Love her the way I, God, love the Israelite people,

even as they flirt and party with every god that takes their fancy.”

God is telling Hosea that he wants him to love his wife the way God loves Israel.  So what did Hosea do?  Well, think about what he had to do.  He first needed to come to grips with the idea that his wife is not out buying groceries and must have stopped to get a mani-pedi.  She went to a lover’s house that is not letting her go.  I remember at 12 years old being crushed by seeing my drummer boy making out with his recent love, but Hosea wasn’t a lovesick little girl gazing at a kid who was just getting over his acne.  He was a man that fell in love with his wife even though she did not show that same love back and was not like the other wives.  Not only was she looked at by others as a dishonorable woman, but he was looked at as well by the community. I’m sure many wondered why he did not divorce her or have her stoned to death for her constant addiction and unfaithfulness?

When he found her she was giving herself to her newest boyfriend.  When she was at home with him, Hosea was just looking for her to hold his hand just once as he passed her.  He wanted her to notice him as I wanted my crush to notice me. Look at what he said…

I did it. I paid good money to get her back.

It cost me the price of a slave.

Then I told her, “From now on you’re living with me.

No more whoring, no more sleeping around.

You’re living with me and I’m living with you.”

Can I be honest with you, this is the most uncomfortable love I’ve ever heard about but it’s exactly what God did for you and me.  You see the reason why we struggle with letting God love us is that it reveals our: shortcomings, impatience, dirtiness, filthiness, the basic muck and mire of loving a person who finds it more pleasing to roll around in mud; instead of clothing themselves with the robe of righteousness.  How would you feel putting on a clean, expensive, white robe after you just rolled in the mud and have dirt caked on your skin?

Stay With Me…Please

How did Gomer feel when her husband knocked on the door and she was naked in the bed?  How did she feel when tears started rolling down his face as he saw his wife giving someone else something that belonged to him?  What do you think she felt as her current lover was demanding money before he let her go?  How embarrassed was she when her husband had to scrape together all that he had to buy back his own wife?  I just can’t help but cry because that was the scene when God loved me again.

I’m going to go farther and say that maybe Hosea had clean clothes for her.  He was not the kind of lover to make you walk the streets in your whoring clothes to add to your disgrace.  Maybe he helped her dress and as he did that he lifts her chin and said with tears in his eyes, “From now on you’re living with me.”  She drops her head and starts sobbing and then he says, “No more whoring, no more sleeping around.”  She nods her head seeing that his love is real and never failing.  He lifts her head one last times and makes something clear, “You’re living with me and I’m living with you.”  He was letting her know that he still wanted to be with her.  He wasn’t paying for her to come back with him so that he can make her live in isolation.

Will God do that for us?  I remember when living in the filth of sin and God broke through the atmosphere of death and loved me.  It didn’t make me happy that he came.  It made me feel vulnerable and confirmed how broken I was.  I needed to make the same choice that Gomer needed to; was I going to let my God take me home even though I knew I didn’t deserve it or stay in slavery.  I chose to let God love the dirt off of me.  When I allowed him to clothe me in his righteousness I realized that my dirt wasn’t going to rub off on my new robe.  The longer I wore it the cleaner I became.

Before we can let God love us we have to be willing to leave our old lovers alone.  God is trying to get us to just give him some attention.  We go about our day sometimes and don’t even acknowledge his presence.  How many times have we missed him whisper of our name in the wind?  How many times has he tried to show off by giving you an unexpected rainbow only for us to look the other way?  How busy is our day that we never see him or think to spend time with him?  God crushes on us and like someone who crushes on another His heart skips a beat when he is with us.

Weekly Challenge:

Read 1 John 4:7-19 as we are in the month of shiny hearts and chocolate, look where the true meaning of love lies.  Question if you really understand love.  If you don’t, what about it don’t you understand?  Think about what is most uncomfortable about God’s love.  What old love do you need to let go of to live with God and to allow God to live with you?

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