Meet One Hot Mess

Lies I love finding people and whose stories allow for others to understand that God is in the business of restoring and rebuilding lives.  Sometimes restoration means facing the lies we have created in our crumbling world.  

We are blessed to have our newest blogger.  Due to the depth of her story and the others involved, we will not be able to reveal her identity to protect those closest to her so, for now, we are going to be calling her, “One Hot Mess” or (OHM) for short. For the whole month of July, she will be sharing her mistakes and failures.  OHM will not only be telling the parts of her story that she has testified to before but what she has never spoken of till this month.  Let’s meet her.

Hello, Through the Winters family, my name is One Hot Mess.  My family and I are in full-time ministry and are blessed to be able to call the Winters our mentors.  I am also a survivor of sexual trauma.  When I was in high school, my “friends” literally treated me like a prostitute, but I overcame this time in my life because of Jesus Christ and the people He placed in it.

When Marsha asked me to share my story here on the blog, I was honored!  She is one of the main people who God used to help me to find healing from what I experienced as a teenager.  I’ve confidently shared most of this part many times at different church events, but I left out some of the details because of shame.  I didn’t realize that those parts make my story even more victorious, so today I am sharing some of the many details publicly for the first time.  I am going to share the unexpectedly difficult aftermath of my new life in Christ, how God showed me where I wasn’t fully healed, and how He expedited the healing process from the pain and anxiety of my past.  I hope that my story will help any of you who have gone through similar situations to find your own freedom in Christ through these blogs throughout the month.  

“Perfect” Childhood?

As a child, I thought I had a perfect life.  I was a black girl with two parents who lived together and who had respectable professions.  I was a daddy’s girl and had siblings I adored.  I excelled in school to the point of being accepted into prestigious programs all throughout my elementary and secondary education.  Though I grew up in the “ghetto”, my parents raised us as if we didn’t.  I had no idea that the young men who hung out on the corner were drug dealers, that some of our neighbors were alcoholics, or that my best friend’s brother got into some trouble with the law.  My dad treated homeless people as if they were his buddies so I knew many of them by name.  My friends and I rode our bikes around the block unsupervised and without any fear.  I had been sheltered from the bitterness of the real life that was happening around me.

I realized my family had flaws when I was about ten years old.  My father became the deacon at the church our family started to attend regularly.  I remember sitting in Sunday School, and my children’s pastor taught about the Ten Commandments.  The one that stood out to me was, “Do not commit adultery.”  My pastor explained that in the New Testament, adultery wasn’t just cheating on your spouse but also, if you had lust for another person, had sex outside of marriage, or even separated from your spouse to be with someone else, that counted as adultery.  That’s when I realized my parents had been living in sin!  You see, my parents had never been married.  My dad had separated from his first wife, my brother’s mom, several years before he started a relationship with my mom. But they never married, so my sister and I were born out of wedlock.  When I went home from church that day, I confronted my parents with what I had learned in church, “You committed adultery!” I shouted, pointing my finger at them.  My mother looked shocked. “No,” was all she said in response.  This was the beginning of my confused perspective of Christianity.  However, because I had childlike faith, I held on to the teachings of the Bible, and I had also resolved to remain a virgin until marriage.

One Hot Mess started to see that the life she knew wasn’t as perfect as what her parents were serving up.   They had created a world for themselves full of lies and sin and brought these two girls into it.  But when you are introduced to the truth, Jesus, the very lies you tell yourself start to fall apart (John 14:6, John 14:17).  OHM needed to find out the truth for herself, and that was a journey in which her parents wouldn’t be able to manipulate.

Flaws In My Faith

My faith journey was separate from that of my parents.  I loved church so, naturally, I wanted to become a member… at 11 years old!  Our senior pastor started a junior membership class for students like me.  I also remember going to visit my aunt in Atlanta and going to church there.  The pastor gave an altar call, and I felt compelled to go forward and pray the “sinner’s prayer.”  I was hungry for God, but I didn’t understand what it meant to be a Christian.  My journals at the time were occupied with fear-filled prayers like, “God forgive me for this,” and  “forgive me for that.”   I was very religious, but I didn’t have a relationship with God.

When I was 13, we moved to a new state, and my faith was challenged for the first time.  My dad finalized his divorce from his first wife, and my parents decided to have a surprise courthouse wedding.  I was so proud of them for finally obeying God, but the joy was short-lived.  A few months after the long-awaited wedding, my parents sat my sister and I down and told us that they were separating.  It didn’t make any sense.  “Did you pray about this?” I cried.  My parents had nothing to say to me.  That day, I started to doubt God.

I prayed for my parents to stay together; however, things became worse.  Though they were separated, they still lived together and slept in the same room.  My parents fought more than I had ever seen them fight.  Each of them talked to me about the other in ways that hurt me.  My mom was angry and told me things about my dad I didn’t want to know.  My dad, who also had a new girlfriend at the time, often said things to me like, “I miss your mom,” and, “You know I love her more than I love you.”  In my mind, the fact that he loved her and was with someone else was a gross contradiction.  The fact that he loved her more than me, but he still left her completely broke my heart.  That meant I wasn’t good enough to keep my dad around. He had left me too. 

Have you ever watched an infomercial of a random kitchen appliance or backyard tool that over promises and under delivers?  This period was a season of OHM’s life where there were promises made that were never fulfilled.  Her father advertised love in a way that would allow the enemy into One Hot Mess’ life to deceive, trap and imprison her.  He presented a love that was uncommitted, hurtful and fickle.  Sadly this was love full of lies.  It was full of cheating and abandonment.  

I avoided going home right after school because the painful tension lingered in my house. While hanging out at my sister’s after school program, I faced another test of my faith.  One of the teachers at my sister’s school made inappropriate advances toward me that I thought were completely innocent until he began texting me as “more than a friend” and kissed me in ways no boy ever had.  I was mortified.  When I told my parents, my dad’s reaction was so passive I thought he didn’t care.  I thought fathers were supposed to kill for their daughters, but my mom was the one who cussed and threatened as my dad just talked to the teacher’s supervisor.  That wasn’t enough for me.  From that point, I made up my mind that I had to protect myself.  My dad wouldn’t defend me, and God let it happen, so I decided to take my life into my own hands.

Weekly Challenge:

Based on One Hot Mess’ story, I wonder, what kind of world have we created for our kids?  Are we raising them in the center of lies and hoping that they won’t notice?  It’s like giving birth in a heap of elephant dung and praying for your child doesn’t get any on them.  If you are the parent of a minor, think about the world you have built around them.  Is it honest, is it safe?  Can they thrive or will they only live to survive? Take the time to watch this video by Jimmy Evans. He shares the keys to creating an honest family. After  the video if you need additional help please feel free to email us, also comment below and start a conversation.