Over the years we have met quite a few people who have stories that are so unbelievable and so inspiring that we want to use them here to help our readers.  The Bible says that Jesus is the resurrection and the Life, that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.  We need a God that can give us life when we are dead inside.  But how do you come back to life when the world has snuffed it from you?  How do we move forward when the pain feels like too much and you feel like you can’t walk with God?

Kaylee was a young woman who purchased her ticket to death.  The inner child in her had been ripped away from her and she did not know how to live with that emptiness.  For the next 4 weeks Kaylee has agreed to so graciously share her testimony and is willing to bring us into her world.  In the month of February she will share how she lived a life of death, addiction and pain.  Her story will give anyone hope, but first we have to embark on her world of hopelessness.

Kaylee

Read Kaylee’s story

Buried Pain Never Stay Buried

I was 18. I was out on my own for the first time, and I could finally find release.  I grew up in a traditional, conservative home where I had strict rules – contributing to chores, having straight A’s, maintaining a healthy appearance, having a good reputation, keeping the family name, etc.  I saw these rules as non-negotiables and I placed a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect for my parents.  During my childhood I experienced abuse.  I experienced rape.  I experienced deep, emotional pain and night terrors that gave me insomnia for fourteen years.  I kept these events from my parents and society in order to maintain my reputation and family name.

Within one week of living away from home, I had moved to the city and lived with a friend.  The night I moved in, I went and got my first tattoo. It was my first declaration of independence.  Then I had my first alcoholic drink, my first night being drunk, my first one-night stand, and got three piercings.  I began spiraling out of control.  

One memory, in particular, comes to mind:  I was out with a friend celebrating my birthday.  It began with just a simple hookah session.  I loved going to the hookah lounge and chatting to catch up and celebrate my birthday.  Eventually I was bored, and we decided to go grab drinks. When we got to one of my favorite bars, I had consumed my drink, my friend’s drink, and then a fraternity came in (easily fifteen men) and bought me shots.  By the end of the night, I had consumed roughly 20 or more alcoholic beverages and shots.  

I didn’t ride home with my friend, but instead with a guy I once worked with who was at the lounge.  Not knowing him too well, he was basically a stranger to me. He drove me to his house and I had thrown up all over his car.  I woke up in the bathtub in clothes that weren’t mine covered in my own vomit. I looked at my phone and I had numerous text messages from guys I had never met or heard of.

Like many of us, Kaylee buried her pain.  There was a hole left in her after being abused, violated and robbed of the opportunity to live life in an emotionally healthy environment.  She wore a mask until she could not wear it any longer.

What mask are you wearing?  What have you covered yourself with to save face, to save your reputation?  Are you hiding you scars because you don’t want to embarrass a loved one?  Are you screaming silently for help?  Kaylee was, and no one heard her, so when she had the chance she silenced her pain with what she thought would make it all go away.

Silencing Your Pain

The bible tells a story of someone who kept silent about her violation.  2 Sam 13:1-22 Tamar, David’s daughter, was a beautiful girl who had a half brother who was in love with her in a lustful manner.  He sought advice from a cousin who gave him the idea to trap Tamar and seduce her.  Amnon (her brother), faked being sick and asked for her to be sent in to help take care of him.  It was there that he attacked her and raped her.  He, in his own sin, became so disgusted with her—after he got what he wanted—that he sent her away.  When Tamar’s father, David, found out, he did nothing to bring her justice.  When her older brother Absalom found out, he killed Amnon but told Tamar that she was never to speak of what happened again.  Tamar lived in silence with the hurt and pain of these actions.

Cruel events and tragedies like these hurt people in places that can’t be touched.  It is a wound that no ointment can fix.  It is an ever bleeding sore that doesn’t heal on its own and each victim deals with it differently.  Kaylee turned to addiction as do many of us in our own way.

Addiction is ugly.  It doesn’t play by the rules.  It lies to us and makes us think that it is there to make us feel better.  It’s there to serve us but before we know it we are serving our addiction. It could be anything.  Kaylee’s was substance abuse but what’s yours, is it food, acceptance from people, achievement…don’t limit addiction to the dirty stuff.  Don’t limit it to drinking, alcoholism, drugs or pornography.

Let’s go back and see where Kaylee’s “release” brought her…

A Hollow Release

They were messages saying how nice it was to meet me, commenting on how fun the night was, how exciting I was.  The problem was that I couldn’t think of a single memory where I had been with a man.  I stumbled into my friend’s bedroom and asked for a ride home.  I threw up with every step I took for the next 24 hours. When I made it home, I laid on my shower floor and eventually stumbled into my bedroom.  Minutes later, I fell asleep in my bath towel until the next morning.

I have never felt so hollow.  When I look back on these memories, I don’t want to ever remember them because of the way I felt that day.  I had literally diminished my worth to the point of abandoning my own well-being.  I had no control of my body.  I had no recollection of who I appeared to be, what I had done, or who I had been with.  To have complete strangers see you vomiting all over yourself, to hear the profanity spilling from my mouth, to see me offering myself to a man I had never met- I was humiliated.  I wanted nothing more than to be alone.  I wanted to shut myself off from everyone I knew.  I wanted to start over.  I never wanted to feel that way again.

How does someone like Kaylee come out of something like this?  How does God touch her wound and bring her to a place of wholeness?  Well we will see over the next three few weeks as she shares with us the rest of her story.

Weekly Challenge:

Has your need to hide something, (your past, your hurt) cause you to make decisions that led you down a darker path?  Take this week to really think about it.  Journal it and bring it before God.  Let God help you through this time.  If you feel comfortable, comment below or email us on the side for additional help.  Also if you are struggling with deep issues and need professional help, we have a connection to Bedrock Counseling ministries.  Go to our “Contact Us” and at the bottom of the page is a number to call.  They have professional counselors who will help you through these painful times.  Follow us on facebook and instagram @throughthewinters.com.  We love you and appreciate you.