Kaylee

What is your definition of pain?  Kaylee has graced us for the last two weeks with her story of emotion pain from childhood, click to read.  The loss of childhood and need for relief led her into the bondage of addiction.  She found herself in a destructive relationship, click to read.  She was willing to give up God for a better version of love.  As her physical world was breaking down, so was her body.  She will explain…

Do You Know Pain Like I know Pain?

I mentioned my pain and insecurity in the previous weeks.  A lot of this pain was emotional, but there was severe physical pain as well.  I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Hypothyroidism, and IBS when I was 18.  I cannot adequately describe what I was feeling in those moments. Can you imagine being a teenager and having the same illnesses as someone approaching the end of their life?  I felt crippled. I felt hopeless.  I felt weak.  I felt angry.  Why do other people get to be healthy and have the common cold as their worst illness? Why do I have to live every day wishing I could just take one step without being in pain? These illnesses cause me great pain.  There are days where I can’t stand for longer than two minutes. There are days when I can’t lift a blanket to cover myself. There are days when I can’t feed myself because my arms are too weak. Some days I can’t walk. Some days I can’t drive. Some days the pain is so bad that I can’t speak. So while I was suffering this pain, my boyfriend betrayed me. He chose healthy women over me. He called me names and said I was crazy. I started to believe the things he said, and my sickness and pain became too much for me to bear.

Kaylee was losing everything.  She was emotionally paralyzed by her abusive relationship with her boyfriend.  She was mentally paralyzed by her addiction to drugs and now her physical body was paralyzed by pain.  How could she move on now that everything was dying around her?  She was losing the little hope she had.

Have you ever been in a place where everything you relied on was failing you?  Has there been a time when you were so paralyzed by life’s blows that you just couldn’t move forward?  When we put our hope on anything but God, it’s like allowing termites into our homes.  Termites eat away at the wood, metal siding, cabinet floors, ceiling and furniture.  They are so small but travel in bunches; causing an infestation that cannot easily be controlled.  Likewise our world cannot deal with an infestation of sin.  One sin we may be able to handle, two of them we can deal with but a life full of it, it will go beyond our control.

Replacing God Exposes Us

Putting something in God’s place exposes every aspect of our lives to the enemy who slowly eats away at the foundation of everything we love, relationships, peace and our joy.  When we realize the damage our decisions have made, it may be too late.  Kaylee, like many of us, is face to face with hopelessness.  She is paralyzed by pain and disappointment.  Where does her world go next?

It was a sunny morning. All of my roommates were in their classes and I had been awake all night crying and hyperventilating from panic attacks. I had no sleep and in a couple hours, I had my fourth doctor’s appointment of the month. I was tired of living life in pain. I was tired of feeling helpless. I felt like I was an inconvenience to everyone. I felt like everyone hated me for being sick. I felt like people would be happy to see me gone. Even if they weren’t, I didn’t want to live another day hurting so I tried to take my life in August of 2014.

An unsuccessful suicide attempt resulted in being admitted to the Psych Ward. During my time there, I spent three days surrounded by murderers, drug addicts, and patients who were clinically insane. I looked at every person around me and noticed they were all missing something: hope. I had hope. I had options. I still had control. And I noticed it. I didn’t need years of therapy to have the will to get better.  Every night I cried over the verse Isaiah 40:31, reminding myself that I was created to soar, and not to be locked up.

When Kaylee was surrounded by those who had no hope, she finally saw the truth—she had hope and love waiting for her.  She realized that true hope wasn’t found in those around her but in God.  He had been calling her, loving her, embracing her even when she was rejecting him.  He refused to give up on her even when she gave up on herself and life.  He showed her what life without him really resembled.   It was exactly what Kaylee needed to make a complete turnaround.

I surrendered my addictions to God that night and within months I was out of the self-destructive relationship I had found myself in for 3 years. I remember the break-up like it was yesterday. He had taken me ring shopping and I went home that night and cried. I was graduating college in two days and all I could focus on was the fear that my boyfriend would propose to me that night. I realized in that moment something that would change everything moving forward: I didn’t have to settle for fear instead of pure joy.

I took him out to breakfast the morning after graduation. I explained to him that I never knew how wrong our relationship was until I feared the day he would propose to me.  I wished him the best.  It was hard. He cried.  He persisted.  I cried.  But this was, for the first time, where I felt like I could make my own choices. For the first time in years, I made a choice that was good for me.  I knew I did something that was pleasing to God, and it was the best high I ever had.  This made me very thankful for my addictive personality, because after experiencing the joy and will of God, I was sold.  I was all in.  I decided to let Him lead my life, and not the people and drugs that were binding me.

Nothing Compares to God’s Love

We need the love of another person but it cannot compare to the unconditional love, commitment and dedication of our God.  Where are you right now?  Maybe you are in a relationship with someone that is bringing you down.  Maybe you have allowed an addiction—of any kind—to control you.  Know this, that God can bring you out of any situation.  John 10:10 says,

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

What the enemy thought he destroyed by invading your life, God sees as an opportunity to show his glory. God can come in and restore what was destroyed.  He can give you back what was stolen and bring to life what was killed within you.  Nothing is impossible when God is allowed to be involved.

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31 says,

Weekly Challenge:

I would love for you to take the time and listen to the words of this song as a form of encouragement if you are going through the same hurt that Kaylee went through.  Also if you are struggling with deep issues and need professional help, we have a connection to Bedrock Counseling ministries.  Go to our “Contact Us” and at the bottom of the page is a number to call.  They have professional counselors who will help you through these painful times.  Follow us on facebook and instagram @throughthewinters.com.  We love you and appreciate you.