Click here to read letter eleven.

Entry 12-Keep Reminding Me Why Don’t You

Dear Marsha,

You’re right.  Everything you said was right.  I understood everything.  Something I don’t know if you understand.  I want a relationship but know that I will be challenged by the work I need to put into it.  I think the conflict I have with others is hard for me.  I truly just hate myself.  It doesn’t matter how well you do or how much you have improved.  Something or someone will remind you that it’s not enough. They’ll make you feel like you can’t be trusted.  And when you make a mistake, you’ll fall hard in front of everybody.  They’ll be there to let you know you’re not ready for great things.  And everything you did well in and all the “good jobs” you received for good things you did are thrown out the window because you slipped. When you have depression and you’re doing everything you can to get better, be careful not to slip because all those opportunities will be lost.  You’ll just be reminded of how broken you are, and no glue or tape is going to fix that.  Just give up.

-Miss Misery

Remember We Are All Broken

Dear Miss Misery,

My last letter was not for you to think bad of yourself or think that it is time for you to give up.  When someone confronts or challenges your behavior, thinking or habits that are not normal, it isn’t to remind you that you are not enough.  Let me help you with this first part, you will never be enough.  I will never be enough, my friends, my husband, even the best of humans will never be enough.  We are imperfect people living in a less than perfect world, each with flaws and shortcomings that will always get in the way.  So that means we will always fall short in one way or another.  My letter, nor your moments with your friends and loved ones, aren’t meant to destroy you, but push you to be better.  When I wrote to you, I was challenging your way of thinking.  We all have thinking that can rob us of what we want the most.  When someone loves you enough to tell you that your way of doing things is not good, it’s because they think you can do better.

In your last letter, you talked about wanting not just a friend that you can laugh with and have inside jokes with but one with who you can fight with without it compromising the friendship.  In other word, a good friend.  Friendships that can endure the occasional fight are strong ones and are very precious.  However, one thing that keeps us from progressing in our relationships with others and that also distracts us from the real issues is taking a situation and making more of it than what it is.  You said that when you fall, you fall in front of everyone.  Are you really falling in front of everyone or is that how your feeling?  It appears that when you are challenged on one area of thought you now add to what is being discussed; new things like shame, fear, insecurity, lack of trust and embarrassment.  So now instead of you just working on the primary issue, secondary things are added to the equation.

Let’s say for example you did something that hurt a friend.  She confronts you about it and explains her hurts and really expresses that for the friendship to grow she needs to know that you will be more sensitive to her feelings in the future. She displayed anger, hurt, and disappointment but never questions your integrity as her friend and is  willing to forgive and move forward if you are.  Your role now is to process her hurt, apologize for your actions and try to be better aware of future offenses.  Instead you focus on how you failed and have allowed your mind to run a mile a minute and think, “How could you have been so dumb?  She said she forgave me but she was angry.”  You notice behavior that may not be there, “She is treating me different now.  I asked her something and her answer was weird.”  Now you find yourself having to work three times as hard emotionally.  Your friend has said her peace and is focused on tomorrow, while you find yourself stuck on yesterday and “what ifs.”  The situations was intended to be about the one issue but your mind has made it into so much more.

I think that your last few sentences were really interesting.  You said that you are just reminded that you are broken with no glue or tape to fix you.  I think everyone forgets that outside of Jesus Christ we are all broken.  We came into the world broken and flawed.  Some people are more broken then others, while others are able to hide their flaws better.  The difference is not that you are broken but that you spend more time looking at what is wrong with you instead of looking at what is right.  What would happen to us all if we would recognized where we fell short, gave it to God and then did whatever it took to stay still for Him to fix us?  We spend so much time using mediocre things to patch ourselves like glue and tape but that’s not a permanent fix. They just hold broken pieces together giving a false appearance of something that is whole.  Whereas God takes the broken pieces and makes you whole and new.

I wish you could see how much God values you.  When you hold on to the confidence that God has made you special and that you are not a failure, you’ll find that the challenges and confrontations in life don’t define you.  You will welcome challenges because you know that they will help better you instead of fear them.

Why do you think it’s hard for yourself and others who struggle with depression to see their value in Christ?

-Marsha

Check out entry fifth where Miss Misery talked about how she feels about how others think about her.

Entry6-It’s a Bad Day

Dear Marsha,

Last month, you asked me to tell you what it is like to have a bad day.  It’s very vulnerable to stay all this but…it is exhausting…exhausting fighting my emotions all the time. The bad thoughts, The bad emotions. Everything feels 10 times more than what the emotions should be. For example, I may be having a bad day at work, but I feel it’s the worst day ever. I feel like nothing good happens to me. I feel extremely stressed. When in actuality, it’s just a normal bad day. But no good thing can cover up the bad day. I truly feel crazy. Like I am losing my mind. I talk to myself in my mind more than I talk to anyone else out loud. It’s pretty pathetic. That’s why I hate myself so much. And this isn’t like having a conversation with God throughout your day. You usually get comfort and wisdom from Him. This is different.

I’m just constantly talking myself out of feeling anything. My regular thoughts consist of me saying

“I wonder if I was supposed to say that?”

“Ugh, she probably hates me now”

“Why can’t I just get a grip?”

“Ms. Misery, pull yourself together, you are being ridiculous”

“See they didn’t invite you; they really don’t like you like that”

“It’s better to just be alone”

“No one can truly enjoy being friends with me”

“I totally suck”

“Stop saying that!”

“You’re going to be fine”

“Nothing you do will get them to want to be around you”

“You’re just there, that’s why they want to talk to you. Not because they really want to”

“This is why you don’t have close friends”

“You messed up again. Good luck with fixing that”

“Why do I keep fighting?”

These are just some thoughts that I constantly fight 24/7. I’m not being dramatic. This is my brain on high amounts of stress. By the end of the day, I’m completely exhausted and want to cry. I feel like such a loser not being able to control my thoughts. I feel crazy… all the time. If you wonder, why people with depression are driven to suicide. It’s really cause they want to turn their mind off permanently. It’s effortless to give into the negative voices cause it’s so much easily to bow to them then fight them. I don’t blame people who commit suicide. I’m only 27. How much longer can I really do this?

Understanding Hate

Dear Miss Misery,

Thank you again for this letter.  Hmmm I think I have had some of those thoughts myself.  Despite what others that know me think, I struggle with my place in other people’s lives, if I am really wanted at a party, why I wasn’t invited to certain events and those kinds of things.  But to have them so often is hard for me to grasp, so your explanation is eye opening.  I don’t think I understand true hate.  I thought I hated my dad for abusing me but I know that if he had turned his life around, I would have loved him.  So I struggle with thinking I truly hated him.  However, there was a girl who I think I came close to hating.  She was a conniving, manipulative, fork tongued liar–that if I saw her being beaten in the street–I would let her enemy give her a few good blows before I even try to whisper ever so slightly, my protest.  So when you say you hate yourself, my quickest thought was to ask myself if you hated yourself the way I hated this girl.  If the answer is yes, I would say the exact same things to her that you say to yourself…

“See they didn’t invite you; they really don’t like you like that”, cause I would never want her to think that she was accepted, all she would do is hurt other people.

“It’s better to just be alone”, so that she doesn’t infect anyone else with her wicked evil ways.

“No one can truly enjoy being friends with you”, because she was only a friend to her wicked ways.

“So and So you totally suck”, because she does.

“Nothing you do will get them to want to be around you”, because you’re such a jerk and you probably deserve every bad thing that could happen to a person.  

You see hate says the meanest, cruelest things to that person because they desire hurt– or death.  As long as you continue to hate yourself in this way, your conversation with each other will always be despicable, nasty, ratchet, and bitter.  How do we change the toxic conversation we have with ourselves?  I would suppose it would be to start loving ourselves more.  I know very well that you are sending me your letters in raw states, or even writing about things that used to be.  

However, for the sake of those reading, we must start where you see yourself.  We cannot have a decent conversation with anyone if there is that hate there.  Why not?  Well, do you see good in someone you hate?  Do you see the good qualities of that person?  Do you encourage that person to have healthy relationships?  Heck, can you even be in the same room with that person without thinking about how you would tell them how you can’t stand them? If you couldn’t do that with a person you dislike, how can you do that with yourself?  

So how do we change the toxic conversation?  We start loving ourselves.  It doesn’t start off right away but when we let go of our hate we start to look and see the qualities that were hidden by detest.  I know very well that this is not something that happens overnight.  I know that what I am saying makes sense on paper but there is more to it.  Can you tell me what are some things that help your dislike to yourself?

Thank you very much again.

Marsha

Check out entry four where Miss Misery talked about the triggers that she was struggling with.

Entry5-Friends? That’s a Joke

Dear Marsha,

In your last letter to me you asked how I think people view me.   Hmmm…No one likes you when you’re dealing with depression or anxiety. Sometimes I don’t even think God likes me. People look at you like they know something is wrong with you. But never ask you if you are ok? The regular greeting “How you are doing?” doesn’t count neither. It’s an easy way for me to say “I’m ok” because I know you really don’t want to know what I’m battling with. I mean, can you blame people? Who wants to be friends with the Negative Nancy or the Debbie Downer? I am constantly lost in thought, always looking exhausted and I’m just weird. Sometimes I wish people would just ask me if I was ok. You know, like people you really want to talk to but you really don’t want to ruin their day by coming out and explaining how you really struggle every day. I feel less guilty about opening my dark mind to them if they ask me. I feel like it’s an invitation. That they truly care about what’s going on with my mind. Even though I go to counseling for this and my counselor is great, I’m paying her to help me. Nothing feels more amazing than some you care about or admire notices your heavy mind and says “Hey are you ok”? Someone who doesn’t mind the tears and snot. Someone who says “Hey, you’ve been on my mind lately. Do you want to hangout or something?”. Who I’m I kidding? This is probably too much to ask for.

I get the thought that I truly deserve to be alone. In the physical, in my soul and in my mind. Maybe I deserve this.

-Miss Misery

Dear Miss Misery,

I think that there are many things that you said is right.  There are times when people, who don’t understand what you are going through, will distance themselves from you or not try hard enough to get to the core of who you are.  If you don’t understand yourself, it is hard for others to understand you.  One of the thing you said in one of the comments last month was,  you are glad you are not alone.  When two depressed people, who are secretly battling with their inner thoughts, get together and want  the same thing as you want, nothing gets achieved.  People are naturally in need of relationship but are naturally selfish. When a relationship is centered around someone else’s ups and downs, and someone else’s unexpected hurt, it can be a challenge for both you and other person.  But this is not a reason to give up on relationships, it’s a time to seek them out.  (This month in our Love Yourself Challenge, there will be articles on relationships.)  Check them out Strangely enough we are attracted to the same hurt we are suffering with.  We tend to relate with others that are hurting like us but then it becomes a viscous cycle.  If you connect only with others that are just as broken as you are, there will be an ongoing cycle of pain; you will hurt them unintentionally and they will do the same to you.  You will need them to be there for you while they are expecting you to be there for them; all because both are struggling with the same thing.  

Depression can feel embarrassing and no one really wants to admit the inner challenges that are faced regularly.  I know this can be hard to do but I think that trying to have a crowd of people to be in your support corner can get chaotic and crowded.  Those, like yourself, that are struggling with depression need two, maybe three people, that can be trusted in this time.  You need someone you can be honest with about your feelings; ask them to help you during this time.  You need to tell them what you are facing and what you need but at the same time don’t count their words out because they “don’t understand.”  These people must be loving, caring and willing to be honest with you.  You must have someone that can tell you your thinking is off.  You need someone that can tell you to get out of your head and point to the moments that are good instead of joining you on your negativity.  

Now listen, what happens when you withdraw from your bank account more than you put in?  You get overdraft fees.  Depression or no depression, you must be willing to put your own thoughts to the side and deposit into those two-three people that you trust in, so that when you are in need of that companionship, they are not drained, or overdrawn.  

Also, realizing that humans are selfish and that we are all going through our challenges–so they will fail your standards.  There is a place that God desires in our lives.  He never wants that place to dictate or control us, but because he knows you better than anyone–even yourself. He never gets tired of us.  He never misunderstands your intentions and has an endless amount of riches in his bank so you can never overdraw from his account. There are times you have mentioned how meaningless it can be to keep going to God over and over again about the same things.  However, when we continue to look only at man to fulfill this side of relationship, we will always come up empty.   

I know this process will take time but I would encourage you to take on my challenge for 2020.

I think that your letter to me about the voices you hear was very interesting.  Would you be able to tell us what it is like on a bad day so some can understand a little better in your next letter?  Thank you again.  I hope I made sense in this response.  

-Marsha

Click here to read letter ten.

Entry 11-No One Will Take A Chance on Me

Dear Marsha,

I think my mental issues keep people away. Like they just pop in to do their friendly “mental health checks”. But if I’m looking for deep relationship, they’re not there. Friendships don’t really progress. Sometimes you try to tell the bad voices to shut up. All they do is blame you for the relationship being that way. So, while blocking the voices, you try to change that. So, you ask your friend what’s going on in their lives. Like truly being considerate. Knowing that true relationships goes both ways. Not one way. But I don’t get a lot from them. And even if you do think you progressed with them or given them advise or help them in their situation or be the friend they vent to…it doesn’t matter. They’ll think of you the same way. How do I know this? Because here I am, sitting in my room, seeing all the glorious friend selfies that I won’t be a part of. Knowing that something so small and insignificant can mean so much to me. Those posts show friendships that I don’t have. It doesn’t matter how shallow social media can be, it still affects me so much.

I believe people rather not take a chance on me knowing my issues. I’m not reliable, I’m inconsistent, I’m a recipe for a disastrous relationship. Who wants to be friends with the depressed girl? If I can just turn it all off, just to get a good close friend… to truly be normal, I would do ANYTHING. To have a friend to just have fun with, cry with, be there for each other, give each other advice, sit next to each other in church, not be afraid to see each other’s ugliness, fight and makeup, have inside jokes, watch movies or shows together or have intentional friend dates…… I’m asking for the impossible, aren’t I? At least impossible for me. At this point, it’s just easier to blame myself. All I’ll be is someone who is checked up on.

-Miss Misery

There Is Someone

Dear Miss. Misery

Hmmm…Wow.  I had to think a moment before writing back.  You have such real thoughts but at the same time, I can see also see how thinking keeps you back from having what you want.  You mentioned a few times that your friends do the friendly check-up.  I totally get it that you feel that the person is only around because you are “that person” that needs to be checked up on, while they do “selfies” on social media with those they really want to be with.  You want people to be around you because they want to, not because they feel like they need to.  You want to feel like you offer so much to the table that they want to be with you, mental issues or not.   It is hard to think they are real friends.

I will tell you, coming from a fellow checker-upper…LOL, you are right in some ways.  Friendship has layers and I know for me I check up on people that I do care for.  There are times people do come in my life that have a lot of needs and I don’t take on that task because it is too much.  Yeah, you are right, the friendships that I do check up on is not like the other relationships.  However, I know for me, I think there is some depth in those relationship where they allow me to go into their dark world.  You have written me 10 other letters and the things that you struggle with are not easy.  For someone to take on the task of checking up on you, means that they want to enter your world as much as you let them.

I would like for you to look at it another way, there are others that are struggling as you, but have no one to check up on them.  They feel like no one loves them enough to even come into this world of pain.  I think it is hard to see the blessing that you have those willing to check in and talk with you.

When it does come to friendship what you are asking for is right at your fingertips. Again, having people willing to come in your world, is very deep and vulnerable for both of you.  I understand you want to feel like you can go into their world and it go both ways, but maybe they are protecting you just as much as you try to protect them.  We all have our ugly sides, our demons, and we are not too willing to show that to just anyone.  I do believe that they are protecting you from seeing that side because if they allowed you to enter their world, would you take their ugliness personal?  Would you make their issue your own?  Would you walk away from the friendship because they say something to you that mirrors how you feel about yourself?  There are many reasons why it may not be able to go both ways at this time and if someone loves you enough to enter, check up on you, but protect you from their world, I think that you have more than you are willing to admit.

I have had relationships as you have talked about, those relationships where I had fun, cried with, gave advise etc.  It is always easy to be with someone that you laugh with and have fun.  But the part that becomes tricky is the friction that comes and the fighting, silent treatments and misunderstandings for a few days before the make-up.  This accomplishment did not come overnight, and it is not as simple as you’d think.  It is A LOT of work and it takes a lot of breaking within yourself before finding that special someone.  In the meantime, I think that God needs you to see those He has given you so you can go deeper with them.

I know you said that you would do anything, I think the first thing you would need to do is be willing to allow the relationships you have to develop at its pace since it is not under the same circumstances.

What do you think about what I said?

Marsha.

Check out entry three where Miss Misery talked about the voices that she was struggling with.

Entry4-So Many Triggers

Dear Marsha,

I thought a lot what you said and I thank you for your response to me.    You mentioned triggers the last time.  Triggers set me off. Triggers are like a ticking time bomb. In a period of time, reminders of being alone can pile up. Reminders of not being good enough pile up. Reminders of not being qualified can pile up. Reminders of knowing that I can’t live the way I know I could pile up. The inability to feel normal in my mind piles up. And by the time it’s all too much for me to handle or control, the simplest incident can set it off. Setting it off means uncontrollable crying till my head hurts, inability to breathe correctly, flashes of thoughts that are hard to keep track and feeling completely hopeless. Darkness takes over my brain….. My thoughts consist of  “I don’t think I can fight anymore?” “Why am I here?” “They’ll be able to live without me, they have each other. They’ll be alright?” “I will never be ok”. Yeah, Christians can have suicidal thoughts too, fight Marsha? I was surprised when I had my first one. But now, it seems like a constant pattern when I have my panic attacks. Ending it all seems really easy instead of constantly fighting, hoping, praying on your knees till they bleed, rebuking and living through constant disappointment, right? Sometimes I think God doesn’t think I deserve happiness. It’s hard to believe he does when you’re constantly battling with your tainted mind over and over and over again. But whatever, being tired is my new normal.

There was a question I had from your last letter.  How do I learn to believe the good voices that I do hear?

-Miss Misery

Dear Miss Misery,

Thank you again for writing me.  Last month’s letter was very enlightening as you talked about the voices and this month’s entry seems to be continuing as you talk about them a little more.  Let me explain to others reading what a trigger is.  When someone has been in a traumatic situation the brain remembers smells, sounds, touches, voices and when that person comes across it again it brings them right back to where there were before through flashbacks and dreams.  So when those smells, those touches, voices or even phrases are experienced again, it’s like a gun that goes off every time.  So when you talk about triggers you are saying that your feelings of not being good enough, not being feeling qualified, and other inner thoughts, bring you back to the younger you.

I remember in letter two you talked about your father and those were all the feelings you were having.  I think that season of your life was so traumatic that when there is any feelings that resemble your encounter with him, that causes a trigger.  You felt you weren’t good enough for him and your feelings of not being good enough in any situation makes you revert back to when you were younger.  It doesn’t have to be a parent that makes you feel like that but when you don’t feel good enough at school, at your job, in a relationship, with friends or even by yourself, it releases the same familiar insecurity and it sets off several triggers, that’s why they are piling up.   

Then the voices that we talked about last week play a part in your triggers.  I have triggers.  I have things that are said to me, songs that are played on the radio, smells that I come in contact with that teleport me to that place where I was the most vulnerable.  This will take time and consistency in order to soften the blow of these encounters.  The first thing you may want to do is be honest with yourself about the situation.  Let me tell you now, there will be many times when you can’t meet the expectation of yourself, others or a task that you’re doing.  Success, victory in all situations is not realistic and unrealistic expectations is an easy way to come face to face with your insecurities.  

You can never be successful in everything you do.  Only Jesus did that.  You have to look at your motive for success as well.  If you are looking to succeed in an area for validation, you will always find yourself here.  You must admit that your self image is what is damage not your abilities.  Even if you did everything right, you would still find something to prove you are not good enough.  

I know you are a Christian so I can say this freely, God has a way of always looking at the underdog and choosing them.  God was always in the habit of finding runts like David, cowards like Saul, the uneducated like the fisherman, the swindlers like Jacob to turn the world upside down and fulfill his plan.  What’s interesting is that we try to be the very thing God doesn’t look for; so whose eyes are you looking through to determine if you are good enough?  You have to remind yourself you are not that young version of you anymore and it would be best to get scriptures that support a healthier thought life.

Yes Christians so have suicidal thoughts, David in the Bible did, Jonah, and Elijah did as well.  In my article,“Suicide: What Does God Think About It” , I wrote about John 10:10 where it talks about how the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy.  Every Christian has to remember that Satan hates our guts and he wants you to hate you too so that you can destroy yourself.  The rest of that verse says that, “But I, (Jesus) have come to give you life.”  The enemy wants to suck the life out of you but Jesus wants to give you life.  I would encourage you to read it.    

Does it makes sense?  

Now about those good voices.  When you think of how you know the difference between good and bad voices says something.   You have to have realized that the reason you know that it’s bad is because the fruit of it has never been good yet the reason a voice is good is because it gives you hope.  I know that you will believe these voices if it is encouraging someone else but at some point when you realize you are worth it, then you adopt that hope for yourself.  If there is any questions, feel free comment below.  

In your next letter can you tell me how do you think people view you? Thank you again

-Marsha

Check out Entry nine to read the previous letter.

Entry 10-Is the Bible Really For Me Too?

Dear Marsha,

I hope I’m not annoying you.  What you write last week did make sense.  Those verses were great—and yes they made sense for that moment but sometimes I feel like I’m in a hamster wheel. My thoughts are on this constant never-ending loop.

“You mess up, you jacked that up good this time”

“Why do you think you can get it right?”

“How is God good and great if he leaves you to rot in your mind?”

Sometimes I think parts of the bible aren’t meant for me. If that was the case, he would have fixed me, when I asked. But I have to remind myself it’s a process, it’s always an ANNOYING process! The fight inside my mind is never ending. It breaks me down. I try so hard every morning to crush my bad thoughts with the Word. To feel like I am progressing and all I do is fall. Have you ever tried to escape your mind? There are moments where I wish there was a return to sender for Minds. I received a defective one. Please take it back. Give me a Mind that functions. Maybe I won’t feel alone. Because knowing you’re the only one out of your group of loved ones that has a mental disorder, makes it so easy to feel alone. And then the loneliness cranks up the hamster wheel again.  I don’t know if that makes sense?

-Miss Misery

You Are Exactly Who God Would Have Picked

Dear Ms. Misery,

No, you are not annoying me because as much as it can be hard to think you are making progress I know it is draining when you wake up to the enemy—bad thoughts—breathing down your throat.  In no way did I experience what you go through regularly but for a period of time I went through depression.  It was never-ending, mind-pounding thoughts.  It never stopped…it never gave me a break unless I was distracted for a moment with something or someone but when life got quiet, then the thoughts were right there to keep me company and tell me everything I didn’t want to hear.  I can’t tell you how bad it got for me, but I can say that I found myself scratching the walls for an out.

I wonder how many people feel the way you do that the Bible isn’t meant for them.  How many people read things and can use scripture for others but not for themselves?  It can be so hard when your mind won’t work or agree with promises God has for you.  It is worse than an arm or leg that won’t work.  You at least use you mind to overcome the obstacles of life.  You can still process the word to compensate for being physically lame but how can you compensate for feeling mentally handicapped?

I think there is one thing that you said that can be the mistake that many make; you make your mental struggle your identity.  You are not depression.  You are not anxiety.  You are not fear.  When you make that your identity you start to isolate yourself first before others do.  I said it before in a letter, what we do to ourselves first will determine what others do to us second.  If you isolate yourself because you think you are not worthy, then everyone’s actions will just solidify your worst nightmare and then before you know it, you are really alone.  I believe that you are struggling with loneliness but because your worst enemy (Satan) not your mind, has set a path for you. 

One time there was a pack of lions that went after a wilderbeast and finally got it separated from the herd.  They proceeded to attack it as they were alone to fend for themselves.  With in a matter of minutes another wilderbeast came in a took on the pack as his friend started limping away.  After the pack got a beating of their life, that’s when both escaped.  You see the enemy wants you to believe you are so tainted that you can’t be around others, so when you finally believe the lie, you are perfect prey for the attack.  Jesus has never designed man to live independently of people and him.  We need each other, and him, so the enemy doesn’t separate us. 

When I was battling in my mind for that season, I told no one.  I shared a little with my husband but I was too embarrassed to tell those that knew me the best.  I was afraid that they would look at me, or worse, change the way they were with me to pamper my struggle.  I suffered for several months with this and it was lonely.  I cried many tears alone and felt broken but never had the guts to tell anyone how defective I felt. 

I know you said a few letters before that there wasn’t anyone that you felt really wanted to deal with you.  Can you explain a little more why you felt that way?   

-Marsha

Check out Entry two where Miss Misery talks about how she struggles with issues of life; all she wanted to do was explode.

Entry 3-Way Too Many Voices

Dear Marsha,

Last time you asked me about the voices I mentioned in my last entry.  There are voices in my head. It’s not diagnosed issue but it feels like I have voices in my head. There is a voice of mine that hates me. Another voice who believes everything will be ok and then there is God’s voice. The voice that hates me is probably the loudest. It shouldn’t be that way, right? I’m a Christian. I believe in God. I’ve stayed on the right path. But the voice that hates me is always the loudest. It controls my emotions, increases doubt and sucks away my self-esteem. Everyday I’m fighting for control. I want the “Good” voice to be in control. The one that talks me out of listening to my “Hateful voice”. The one that reminds me of happiness. My good voice wins some of the battles. It’s not enough. When it comes to God’s voice. It’s hard to hear Him. My good voice sounds like Him but doesn’t bring peace and hopefulness like I know he could. My good voice just fights the hateful voice. My good voice just gives me ways to get over my feelings so I can get on with my day. I believe God’s there, and he can speak to me. But as I constantly battle with the two voices in my mind. I’m become so ashamed. I don’t want to talk to him knowing full well I’m failing. It doesn’t matter how many good things I do for his kingdom. This battle in my mind makes it seem like I’ll never get to the point where I’ll be ok. I don’t like to come to God with the same issues. Sometimes I feel like he is annoyed with me. So, I just have to do this on my own. No reason to drag someone else into my issues. God will get tired of it eventually……..The Voice

Dear Miss Misery,

I think that your answer from last week is quite interesting and honest.  I can’t imagine having to decipher which one is which but sadly I’ve been where you were.  I remember not too long ago I was waking up to thoughts of pure despair and I felt like I was going to go nuts.  No one would believe that I was being bombarded with thoughts of killing myself.  Yes…that’s right killing myself and I am not talking about when I was a teenager either.  It as about 4 years ago.  I felt like the voice was so loud that I could barely recognize God’s voice.  It was so thick that I felt I was breaking in the thoughts not just hearing them.  Months of that left me questioning everything and everyone.  So as you spoke about the voice that hates you sounding loudest made sense to me. As I was reading I realized that there are four voices begging for your attention, the ones that hates you, the good one, God’s and your own.  It’s interesting that the voice that you know hates you has the most control.  What’s interesting is that you want the Good voice to be the one in control…not God’s.  You want the voice that seems to fight for you to be the one that has the most say so.  Everyone of us has a voice that always seems to say the worst about us, our circumstances and our future.  That voice you know is the enemy.  He desires to have you to agree with his words.  He wants you to agree that you are a loser, a failure, no good, unwanted, and anything else you can think about.  He doesn’t care about the good voice and he doesn’t even care about God’s voice because as long as you don’t obey that voice, it doesn’t threaten him.  But what he wants is for you to take over his job by joining him on his hate for you.  When you hate yourself…

What I want to say which I know you know but I will say before is, God’s voice is the one you must hold on to but he will not scream over the voices you choose to agree with.  Nothing grows without it being fed.  So you would have to ask if there is anything you are doing to feed that bad voice.  Yes I experienced that heavy feeling of wanting to kill myself but I did not feed it…(not saying you are thinking this but I have to say) just because I don’t struggle with depression doesn’t mean that my methods for removing the voices doesn’t work.  So I realized that this was the enemy and knowing it was the enemy the Bible says that he is the author of lies.  Meaning he writes lies, he makes them up.  Knowing that he lies, I need to reverse the things he was trying to get me to believe a lie so than what was the opposite.

In your next letter can you tell me about your triggers.

Check out entry eight to read the previous letter.

Entry 9-I Can’t Run From This

Dear Marsha,

I understand what you said last time we spoke.  You asked me who in the Bible I related.  When I think about it I can relate to King David. Psalms is the one book of the Bible that truly shows what goes on in my mind. There are times where I’m so good and I feel God right there. I’m praising and thanking him for the gift of life—to not wake up with my eyes swollen from crying. I thank him for reminding me how precious my life is and how I haven’t done anything to harm that; to be able to have positive thoughts—that’s the biggest one—to conquer my thoughts. But then I have times where I’m pleading with God, I’m asking him to snuff me out cause I’m bad or I messed up. I’m asking him “Why must I have to constantly deal with something I can’t run from? Why must I constantly hurt people? Why can’t I just be fine? Why are my enemies constantly surrounding me? Thoughts are my enemies. It’s good to know that God’s beloved had depression and anxiety. Reading through Psalms, he suffered from that. No doubt. But man was he good. Yeah, he had his slip ups, some big slip ups. But God always had his back. Never let him succumb to his enemies. He made sure his kingdom thrived. I hope God sees me as his beloved. Maybe there is some chance I’ll thrive and conquer these things. But I shouldn’t get too hopeful.

God Choses the Broken

Hello Ms. Misery,

I don’t think I could agree with you more about David but first I have to say many of the statements you made are very profound.  When we have good days, we need to be thankful for them.  Other people take for granted that they didn’t cry their eyes out the night before and woke up with a migraine.  Others take for granted that their head doesn’t feel so clouded with thoughts you think you are under water.  Being able to go have a time, whether it is a day or a month without hurting others verbally is a victory.  You letter last week made it clear that at times you are so hurt, that you hurt others.  I think we all need to take a moment and thank God for the little moments when we have peace as oppose to waiting for the complete breakthrough.

Sometimes we have a hard time believing that the ones that God chose, are broken vessels.  It is hard to believe that Elijah and Jonah were suicidal, Moses was a murderer, Abraham was a liar and David battled with depression, John and James had anger issues and Peter was impulsive.  How could we have any hope of being better, if God only chooses perfect people?  David is someone so many relate with, even though his standards were high in some aspects of his life, but some areas of his life had low standards.  He had enemies, fears, good days, bad days, confidence and insecurities.  That is how we know the Bible is true because God allows us to witness all those layers of his life; the good and the bad.  God could have only recorded his victories but he recorded all of it as well as everyone else’s good and bad.  There were so many Psalms that can be encouraging but read Psalms 102:1-17 (this one is not from David but just is labeled A prayer of an afflicted person who has grown weak and pours out a lament before the Lord.

1. Hear my prayer,Lord;                                                                                                                                                                                               let my cry for help come to you.
² Do not hide your face from me
when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
when I call, answer me quickly.

³ For my days vanish like smoke;
my bones burn like glowing embers.
⁴ My heart is blighted and withered like grass;
I forget to eat my food.
⁵ In my distress I groan aloud
and am reduced to skin and bones.
⁶ I am like a desert owl,
like an owl among the ruins.
⁷ I lie awake; I have become
like a bird alone on a roof.
⁸ All day long my enemies taunt me;
those who rail against me use my name as a curse.
⁹ For I eat ashes as my food
and mingle my drink with tears
¹⁰ because of your great wrath,
for you have taken me up and thrown me aside.
¹¹ My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass.

In these verses you can see that this person is in distress and discouraged.  They think that God is mad at them, they face enemies and they think that God is not listening so they have to beg. But look come to themselves. 

¹² But you, Lord, sit enthroned forever;
your renown endures through all generations.
¹³ You will arise and have compassion on Zion,
for it is time to show favor to her;
the appointed time has come.
¹⁴ For her stones are dear to your servants;
her very dust moves them to pity.
¹⁵ The nations will fear the name of the Lord,
all the kings of the earth will revere your glory.
¹⁶ For the Lord will rebuild Zion
and appear in his glory.
¹⁷ He will respond to the prayer of the destitute;
    he will not despise their plea.

I think verse 17 is perfect because the writers reminds us that God does not just listen to the perfect, the encouraged, those that have only good days. But they encourage us by saying, God responds to the prayers of the destitute and will not ignore their pleading.

Does what I say make sense to you?  Do you think that you are making any progress as you read the Bible?

-Marsha

Check out Entry One  to meet Miss Misery and read her first letter to me.

Entry 2-I’m Just a Bottle of Mountain Dew and Mentos

Dear Marsha,

Growing up with a dad that looks down on emotions can really mess a kid up. I wasn’t allowed to feel. My father thought showing your emotions was a sign of weakness. He hated when I cried. He would say “You’re not crying blood. So stop crying” or “I’ll give you something to cry about”. Which usually was followed by some sort of whipping or spanking threat. Yes, I would get whipped with a belt or get a really good spanking for crying. Yes FOR CRYING! Needless to say I never stopped crying. I couldn’t stop myself and I hated myself every time for it. I thought I was weak. I thought there was something wrong with me. Vulnerability became my enemy. Insecurity became a part of me.

As teenager, I started becoming so angry with my father. I would have meltdowns from all the pent up emotions I had toward him. I didn’t know how to let go of my feelings in a healthy way because I was told to not show my emotions. I was like a bottle of Mentos and mountain dew. Shake me up and see me explode. I wasn’t encouraged to talk about my feelings. I would find myself screaming at him or punching the walls next to my bed. But instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, as all good parents should, my Dad handed me some book by Joyce Meyers on how to deal with my emotions. What the heck?! Who does that?!! And what ticked me off the most, my father was allowing himself to have anger issues, screaming fits, slamming doors, whipping me out of anger, blame the whole world for his issues. Yet he was telling me that I had to control my emotions. 24 years of this nonsense was too long. I was a good kid. I was valedictorian in high school, didn’t hang out with bad people, never was drunk, no drugs, no sex, never disrespected authority ALL FOR HIM AND IT STILL WASN’T ENOUGH. I was so done. I had to get away from him. Nothing else mattered at that point. So at 24, I packed my bags and left.

Leaving him physically relieved me of his constant nagging and emotional neglectfulness. But none of my emotional wounds went away. It drives me nuts. It negatively affected my relationships and I unnecessarily built up walls. In church when I felt God pulling on my heart strings, I made a huge effort not to cry since crying is a sign that something is wrong with you. Crying equals weakness. I automatically assumed my close friends had negative thoughts about me because something was wrong with me. As a result, I developed depression and anxiety. I went to counseling and when that wore off, I ended up being clinically diagnosed with depression by my doctor. So now I wake up every morning to a happy pill in the hopes I maintain sanity.

So Marsha this is what I say to my dad, “Thanks Dad. You made such a strong effort to turn me into you and you succeeded. I’m angry, extremely sad, stressed, ungrateful, insecure in my feelings, my relationships are damaged, my mind is a wreck and I can’t live without hating myself daily. Thanks Dad.”

-Miss Misery

Dear Miss Misery,

I will always thank you for being so transparent because it’s never easy to talk about your hardest secret moments.  Being a parent is hard Miss Misery, and I am in no way making excuses for your dad, but I want to take a moment and have you walk in his shoes for a second before I step into yours.  No one comes into this world with your father’s harsh, brittle, callous way of seeing life.  I can promise you that your father may have been in your shoes once sitting in his room and pounding the wall out of anger because he was showing weakness; then someone made him feel like garbage for it.  It is clear that what you showed your father maybe something he wanted to remove from you cause it reminded him of his own weakness.  Maybe he remembers how his weakness failed him and made him a victim of circumstances.  Sadly, I have been on both sides of the coin.  My father saw things in me he hated cause it reminded him of his own past so he tried to beat it out of me.  However I have also seen myself in my own kids.  I have to say it broke me to see those things in them and I wanted to rip it out of them.  I had to work very hard not to make my issues theirs.

Last week you said that feelings were bad…that’s was your conclusion because feelings basically betrayed you and sent you into a place you couldn’t come back from.  It now makes sense where that came from because your father did not allow you to feel, so to give into it reminds you of being weak.  He did not allow you to process life the only way you knew how to.  Your description of mentos and Mountain Dew is perfect because all he was doing was teaching you how to stuff your emotions until they exploded.  You see Mountain Dew is you and your inability to express your feelings. Your pain from you father–your depression are all wrapped up in that one piece of mentos and then when normal life hits, you get shaken up.  After ow everyone gets shaken up by disappointment, pain and loss but the problem is the explosion, the outburst and anger that seems to over take you.

The first thing I want to say to you, crying is not the signs of weakness–you are anything but weak.  You are much stronger than you have been given credit for.  To be able to resist all those temptations you mentioned shows you have, self-control, resistance, and mastery.   I guess the problem was that you did it for him and not yourself.  You didn’t resist those things only because you felt like they weren’t good for you but because you wanted to please him and prove something.  If you did not get the recognition that you were hoping for, then it will still leave you feeling like you weren’t good enough for your father.  Can you look at who you are right now and what goals you have set for yourself; are you doing any of them for approval or are you doing them for yourself?

So I think as we continue to talk I would want to let you know, you can not change the mentos.  Only God can change that because they represent hurts and pains that have to be dealt with and removed.  It only comes by daily, and I mean daily going to him.  You also can’t change the shaking up because we all will experience ups.  The Bible makes it clear that even those that love Jesus will experience trouble in this world.  Jesus is not our pillow on a turbulent plane ride, he is a parachute on a crashing plane.  So his presence in your life means you will survive in circumstance that you should die in.  These circumstances should kill you and I am sure that you have thought of death but with Jesus you can and will survive.

There is one thing you can control and that is the liquid you define yourself as.  If you were a bottle of water instead of Mountain Dew the mentos could still drop and the shakes can happen but the explosion would change.  As we talk I pray that there will be some changes.  You can freely express yourself and share since it seems to be your outlet.  As we address other issues maybe the water of the word can dilute the life you are in right now.  If you are comfortable enough, could you talk about the self-talk (the talks you have with yourself behind close doors).  The voices that come into your head that no one knows about.  I know there may be others that struggle with the same things.

Over the last four years of writing my articles, I have met several people; had conversations with many hurting people.  It never gets old, when I meet someone who reads my articles and see themselves in something I wrote.  Over time I have posted people’s testimonies of loss, depression, domestic violence, drug addiction and more but there is one person who has challenged me the most.  She has never shared her story because she doesn’t have a happy ending yet.  She doesn’t see what I see yet, she doesn’t have the complete freedom yet.  I don’t know how many of you can agree that you hear all the advice, the encouragement and it just seems so far from you.  Well this young lady, we will call her Miss. Misery, has agreed to write to me in her disappear.  She isn’t going to wait for her breakthrough before sharing what she is and has gone through.  Her upcoming letters will be posted on a separate section of the website called, “Miss. Misery.”  We are going to be tackling depression this month so I thought it would be fitting to introduce to you Miss. Misery.

Entry 1-This is Me

Dear Marsha…

There is something about putting your feelings to paper that makes them too real. As for me, avoiding my feelings is what I choose daily. I see it as my own form of “sanity,” so writing to you  may give me some release. If you are a person like me, feelings are bad.  Feelings only lead down a deep, dark hole and once you realize what is going on, it’s too late. You’ve reached the bottom. You look up at the circular entrance of the hole you talked yourself into. You realize it is a small speck with the least bit of light you can see. You start freaking out. You convince yourself you have to climb out of this hole. You knock your feet into the walls of dirt and dig your fingers so deep in hopes you can’t pull yourself up. “I have to get OUT!”. You’re screaming this to yourself at this point. You finally get out. You take deep breaths and swear you’re never going back in. But it’s all a lie. Cause you will talk yourself into jumping back in again. Regardless of what you went through to climbing out, you will always jump back in.

Depression is a form of torment and anxiety is it’s my friend. Many times you convince yourself “You’re never going to get that bad again”. But it happens again. The idea of God coming to your rescue becomes a fantasy. Now, Marsha, you may think I’m crazy. But hear me out. If God is super big and mighty, how is it that I find myself in the same situation, over and over again? Crying till my eyes are swollen. Not being able to breathe cause something heavy is on my chest. My bad thoughts are in this constant loop in my head, fighting myself, desperate to scream at the top of my lungs “HELP!”…..But He does nothing. He doesn’t heal me from this. He doesn’t magically appear in human form and rock me to sleep telling me everything is ok. I get so mad at Him. Reading his word isn’t comforting. Hearing the pastor preach doesn’t motivate me. Please understand, this is not just a day of hopelessness. These are days of being fully convinced that I am not good enough and nothing else is good enough and that life here, on this earth, is not good enough.

I remember the first time I was told that I have this issue. I thought “Wow, we finally found out why I’ve had emotional problems. Maybe I’ll be better now since I know how I need to handle this.” I was completely fooled by my optimism. I didn’t think about how much WORK I would have to do to stay sane. I wasn’t prepared for this.

-Miss Misery

Hello Miss. Misery,

I want to first tell you that I am so appreciative that you allowed me, and others, to enter your world of fear, anxiety and depression.  It’s not easy and I will never, ever take these entries for granted.  You are in a very raw moment of your life and you are taking a huge chance.  So let me address some things that you said…

Feelings are liars, deceptive, fickle and unpredictable but either way, feelings are real to you.  They may seem bad but they are real.  They are never to be ignored even though they can push you to do things that you will later regret.   In the world that you are living in your feelings are real so I will never devalue any feelings you do express.

I think what is interesting is that the very pit you have found yourself in is a pit you feel your self-talk has dug for you.  When we are alone with ourselves the conversation and dialogue you have, does play a significant part on the path you walk on.  When you call yourself ugly, stupid, dumb, unwanted, hated, failure, loser, or anything negative in that nature–it wounds your soul even more than it already is.  You can’t talk yourself into a pit when you speak positively of yourself.

When we keep finding ourselves in the pit we hate and we blame ourselves, I have to question how you feel about yourself?  I think my heart went out to you because the same place you fight to get out of is the same place you go back to for comfort.  It makes sense because even tough your feelings are real, feelings aren’t truth and someone times facing truth, facing change, facing somethings that bring you pain can make you want to go back in.  The truth is that some thing major needs to happen and if you do not have the necessary support or encouragement, it can cause you to retreat to what you know even though it’s a place of torture.  It is better to fight a demon you know than to face an unknown demon at times. I hope that makes sense.  It doesn’t mean you don’t want change.

When I read that depression was your friend it was something I could understand but it’s more like a companion that refuses to give up on you even though you feel like life has.  Everything else has failed you, in your mind, but depression always delivers what it promises–hopelessness.  Anyone reading my response to you must understand something important, clinical depression needs to be diagnosed by a doctor and–if necessary–medication prescribed.

You asked the questions that many asked over times in their life, “If God is super big and mighty, how is it that I find myself in the same situation, over and over again?”  You should ask that kind of question and other questions because it is valid.  I would love to answer this but I would love to learn more about you.  I would like to hear about your past, your relationship with others and maybe why you are here.  No one gets here overnight.  No one eats dinner with hopelessness and helplessness regularly.  Someone failed you, and I don’t know what is and if you are willing to share that in your next entry that you be awesome.

I would like to ask you, how long have you been serving the Lord and were you always struggling with depression in your walk with God. It seems like you were diagnosed and then it was a relief…to finally get understanding on why you did what you did.  I am looking forward to hearing from you next month.

-Marsha

Come On God, I’m Angry

Could we ever have a real relationship with God and never get angry? Getting together with my younger brother is always a time of pure laughter and a trip down memory lane. One of my brother’s favorite stories he loves to tell is when I “hulked out.” In the late 90’s a landline phone was everything to a teenage girl; it was almost like her new right arm. My mother knew that, but could careless that I was growing attached to my landline due to my growing popularity in church and my relationship with Sam. My mother did things to annoy me like, making a phone call just when she knew I was about to get on the phone or keeping my friends on hold while she talked for hours.

My mother aggravated me more every time; however, one day I lost my temper when I was on the phone with Sam and a call came in for her. I put the person on hold, let her know Sam was on the other line sooooo…instead of telling the person she would call them back, she took the call and then nestled herself on her bed, propped up her feet and then started her ascent into her extremely long conversation. I gave her a minute and then interrupted her to remind her that Sam was on hold. She condescendingly looked at me and said, “Well he is going to have to wait.” She continued talking and then I came back again more furious. “Mom! Sam is on the phone.” She ignored me and then started talking about me to her friend, “You see this girl. She forgets who pays the bills”, then laughed with her friend. She then clicked over to Sam and told him I would call him later. As if I had an out of body experience, I could see myself jumping on the bed slapping her with the phone and screaming at the top of my lungs.

Instead, I went into the room screamed under my breath, and thought of how I could let out the anger that was building up like a volcano that God picked up and was shaking up before it erupted. My younger brother was sitting in the corner trying not to be seen, for fear that I would target him. I could have lifted our 7 story apartment building with my bare hands and thrown it across the highway if I got the chance. Instead, I ripped the grate off the huge heater in our room like it was a sheet of paper and proceeded to bend that grate like it was a long melted tootsie roll. My brother coward even more in the corner as I “hulked out.”

When we mention that story we all laugh, especially my brother and I, while my mother sits a little shocked because she remembered that grate was bent, but had no idea what had happened to the heater. My brother boasted how it took two maintenance guys from the apartment building to try and return it back to shape.

Why Do I Get So Angry

Anger has been the thing that has fueled me for so long. What causes you to get angry? Talking on the phone while my man waits on the other line won’t get me furious today, but other things can flare me up in the same way. Has your anger stirred up when your preferred Politian is being represented wrong or when the corruption of the government is so obvious, and no one does anything? Are you amongst the Christians who are appalled of how liquor stores are considered essential while churches are being closed down? How do you feel about the small number of police officers who devalue the lives of those in the black community? Or, how about the black lives who are demanding their lives to matter in one area, but don’t seem to value other black’s lives in other areas or who see things differently than they do? Does your anger rage in you as the small business around us has to a close because the government won’t help them get through this because of their own personal feuds? How about when you talk with someone who, you thought, had the same mindset as you on certain matters but yet now because they don’t see your side of things they become narrow-minded, crude, raw, rude, unreasonable, and biased? Or maybe your anger is more fueled by personal matters like a backstabbing family member, financial issues, fake friends, or a toxic family past.

First, let’s ask the question, is anger a sin? I have heard preaching’s of how anger is a sin but that goes against a lot of scripture such as when Jesus got angry in the temple? Let’s look at Judges 2:12-14

They forsook the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who had brought them out of Egypt. They followed and worshiped various gods of the peoples around them. They aroused the Lord’s anger because they forsook him and served Baal and the Ashtoreths. In his anger against Israel the Lord gave them into the hands of raiders who plundered them. He sold them into the hands of their enemies all around, whom they were no longer able to resist.

Yes, it’s true, God gets angry. Think about how many times you have to talk to a child over and over again. Do you get angry? Do you have to bring a correction? Well, so does God. We are his children and we are stubborn, self-seeking, self-centered, and prideful. We forget our role and do things our own way. In these verses, you can see that God does have anger. Let’s look at Ephesians 4:25-27

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

These verses are sometimes misunderstood to say that anger is sin, but the emphasis clearly is “IN” your anger… meaning that when you are angry, do not sin. Anger should never rage to such a level that you are out of control and forget who you are. Sometimes, we want to be God and want to do things our way, how we see it, and respond and react when angered that can bring pain to ourselves or worse begin to hurt others. When we become angered, we have to be careful not to allow our mouths to speak in ways that cause us to lose ourselves.

When is Anger Sin?

• When our thoughts go into a place that is violent or abusive.  One of the reasons we get so verbally abusive is when we feel like we are not getting heard. When we are not getting through, we either hit below the belt just to get the person to shut up or because they seem like they are going to swing verbally and even physically. How can we get our voices heard when those in front of us don’t care about listening?
• When we stop talking about the issue and start devaluing others to raise ourselves up. When we can’t get our voices heard we look at those in front of us and we target their flaws—we think are flaws—and proceed to devalue them so that we can feel better about ourselves. We don’t want that feeling of being powerless—or devalued as someone or another situation—as some made us feel, so we need to take back the power and appear stronger than those we are against. If we can lower their value then they are not worth listening to, making peace with, or paying attention to. They are just stupid, losers; that have no idea what they are talking about.
•  When we allow anger to produce stubbornness, envy, fear, unforgiveness which dictates our decisions.  Anger becomes sin when we allow it to cloud our judgment, distort vision of those we love, and act in a way that is outside of our character.  If it isn’t a sin but I do get angry, what am I supposed to do with it? Let’s look at James 1:19-21

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

The Bible says in these moments be …

1. Be quick to listen– Stop thinking of the next thing you are going to say and listen to what is being said to you.

2. Slow to speak– Before you utter a word, take a moment to censor yourself, think of what was said and think about how God would want you to respond. When you are slower to speak, you are less likely to have to apologize for saying something you will regret.

3. Even slower to be angry– Think about what is making you angry? Is it injustice, behavior that hurts someone else or is it unresolved issues within yourself? Are these issues someone else has caused or is it from the current events? Is your anger rooted in selfishness or righteousness?

4. Get rid of moral filth and evil– Think about how much of your anger is from the behavior of your own that is not right. Get rid of those things that are displeasing to God so that those moments of anger produces something good.

During these times, anger rises in the most unexpected way.  You don’t have to do this alone.  Please reach out to us so that we can help you.  Comment below or contact us at thruthewinters@gmail.com.  You are appreciated.

The Numbing Truth

What do we do when we are faced with the truth and can’t change it?  I love fruit!  I love mangos, cantaloupe, honeydew, and most of all pineapples.  About five years ago, I was eating a fruit salad and I noticed something strange happening; my mouth started feeling weird.  The back of my throat was getting a little itchy and I didn’t understand why.  A few weeks later, I was eating another fruit salad and it was clear that I was having an allergic reaction.  I did not want to believe it even though the allergy got worse as the years went on.  I was able to eat a few pieces of fruit before my mouth started to tingle.  The truth was, though I really could not eat it, I refused to believe it till one fateful day.

Cooking is one of my favorite things to do.  So, one night I made dinner for my family like I always did but this night I wanted to do it differently.  They love it when I make sweet and sour chicken with Spanish rice.  Now, this meal has pineapple in it, one of my favorite fruits. This day, Rachel and I decided to go all out and we served the rice in a hollowed out pineapple.  I was so proud of myself as Rachel tried the meal and with a stuffed mouth, she gave a thumbs up.  I tasted it and it was spectacular if I do say so myself (patting myself on the back).  As the family gathered around to eat, I tasted the food again and for some reason, it didn’t taste the same as it did when Rachel and I had tasted it a few minutes before.  I went back to the kitchen to get more salt, but something was wrong.  It didn’t matter how much salt I put on the rice, I could barely taste it.

I was forced to face the truth, whether I was willing to admit it or not. My mouth became completely numb—which is why I kept adding salt, my throat was slowly closing up.  I felt like I was swallowing sandpaper and felt lumps starting to develop.  What was going on?

Define Truth

Like many of us…I had to face truth whether I agreed with it or not.  What is the definition of truth?  The definition is, “that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.”  I know that this definition seems so simple and obvious but being honest with ourselves, we can’t face truth because it is so painful, and it turns on the lights when we would love to stay in the dark.

Let’s do a Bible study.  In Mark chapter 5 there was a man who was possessed with several demons.  He ran around the town naked, screaming at night and living in the graves of the town.  He was so strong that when others tried to chain him down, he would break the chains and cut himself.  The town dealt with this man for a while until Jesus showed up.  Let’s see what happened.

The herdsmen fled and told it in the city and the country. And people came to see what it was that had happened.  And they came to Jesus and saw the demon-possessed man, the one who had had the legion, sitting there, clothed and in his right mind, and they were afraid.  And those who had seen it described to them what had happened to the demon-possessed man and the pigs.  And they began to beg Jesus to depart from their region.  As he was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed with demons begged him that he might be with him.  And he did not permit him but said to him,

“Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”  And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled.” – Mark 5:14-20

There are two kinds of people who are in this story and there are two kinds of people who read my articles.  First, those seeking truth and second those confronted by the truth but are scared so they push it away; they push away truth like they pushed away Jesus.

Why are we really scared of the truth?  According to verse 15 of what we read above, they were afraid because he was clothed and in his right mind.  It doesn’t say that the people in the town were scared when he was so strong and breaking chains, screaming at night, running around naked, or living in tombs.  What really bothered them was when he was healed and in his right mind.  Does that make sense?  The truth is they got used to the chaos and turmoil.  This dysfunctional town found his behavior normal. Are there chaotic things going on in your life that you have gotten so used to that, it’s become normal to you?  It could be dysfunctional relationships, lukewarm believers, or destructive decisions that lead to regret for days, months, or years to come.

I know that as I am writing to you, you are thinking about some obvious things, but I am NOT talking about the obvious.  I’m talking about the things that are not so clear cut.  It’s the thing that if God were to put his finger on it, you would be upset, afraid, and uncomfortable about it.  Let’s be real, I’m sure that in your mind you feel like, that drink, that smoke, that sexual encounter, that movie, or even that simple conversation doesn’t affect you.  You KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that those things don’t harm you…if anything, you believe that it helps you.

This is where truth comes in.  Jesus says in John 14:6,

“I am the way, TRUTH and the life no man comes to the Father but by me.”

What happens when he shows up on the scene of chaos?  We will either do what the man does; kneel before “truth” and surrender our sins to God, or we will be like the people in the town and ask truth to leave because it is more dangerous than the bondage we are in.  Come on, be real. Doesn’t truth threaten us?  Of course, it does!  It exposes our true motives, evil intention, selfishness, greed, rebellion, self-righteousness, and more.  These are all things we hide, cover-up, and pretend are not there.  We act as if we are just being misunderstood.

Truth Centered Life

What does it mean to live a life centered around truth?

1. Admit truth. What would we have to admit? Well, we have to admit that some of the things that stress us out, cause us anxiety, are due to the decisions we continue to make.
2. Speak truth. There are many times we hide our true feelings about things because we don’t want to hurt other’s feelings. Maybe we need to stick up for ourselves in those dysfunctional relationships.  Or maybe we have to admit that we put the “dys” in dysfunctional.
3. Face truth. We have to face the truth that we cannot do life without Jesus Christ and in certain areas of our lives, we try to do God’s job. To be honest we would have to admit that we do God’s job because we don’t trust him.

What does Jesus do when we don’t want him?  These people in the town spent so much time ignoring what needed to be fixed and when Jesus fixed it, they told him to leave.  If you continue reading you will see that Jesus did not push himself on them or tried to convince them that they needed him.  He knew where he was not welcomed and allowed them to live in their delusion but asked that man to stay there as a memorial of what God was capable of doing.  God does the same for us.  Even though we push away the truth he leaves evidence of his true ability for us to look upon.

On that day when I was eating dinner with my family, I became convinced that I had COVID as my throat felt so scratchy and the taste in my mouth was not returning. However, the truth is I put pineapples and pineapple juice in the sweet and sour sauce after I placed the rice in a hollowed-out pineapple.   I pushed truth away when I decided to act like I wasn’t allergic and that nothing was wrong but was left with evidence that I could not deny.

Is there something that God wants to do in you, but you are in denial? This is the time when we have to face the truth even though it may be hard and uncomfortable. We would also love to be there for you.  During this time please feel free to contact us through our email at thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.