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Entry 12-Keep Reminding Me Why Don’t You

Dear Marsha,

You’re right.  Everything you said was right.  I understood everything.  Something I don’t know if you understand.  I want a relationship but know that I will be challenged by the work I need to put into it.  I think the conflict I have with others is hard for me.  I truly just hate myself.  It doesn’t matter how well you do or how much you have improved.  Something or someone will remind you that it’s not enough. They’ll make you feel like you can’t be trusted.  And when you make a mistake, you’ll fall hard in front of everybody.  They’ll be there to let you know you’re not ready for great things.  And everything you did well in and all the “good jobs” you received for good things you did are thrown out the window because you slipped. When you have depression and you’re doing everything you can to get better, be careful not to slip because all those opportunities will be lost.  You’ll just be reminded of how broken you are, and no glue or tape is going to fix that.  Just give up.

-Miss Misery

Remember We Are All Broken

Dear Miss Misery,

My last letter was not for you to think bad of yourself or think that it is time for you to give up.  When someone confronts or challenges your behavior, thinking or habits that are not normal, it isn’t to remind you that you are not enough.  Let me help you with this first part, you will never be enough.  I will never be enough, my friends, my husband, even the best of humans will never be enough.  We are imperfect people living in a less than perfect world, each with flaws and shortcomings that will always get in the way.  So that means we will always fall short in one way or another.  My letter, nor your moments with your friends and loved ones, aren’t meant to destroy you, but push you to be better.  When I wrote to you, I was challenging your way of thinking.  We all have thinking that can rob us of what we want the most.  When someone loves you enough to tell you that your way of doing things is not good, it’s because they think you can do better.

In your last letter, you talked about wanting not just a friend that you can laugh with and have inside jokes with but one with who you can fight with without it compromising the friendship.  In other word, a good friend.  Friendships that can endure the occasional fight are strong ones and are very precious.  However, one thing that keeps us from progressing in our relationships with others and that also distracts us from the real issues is taking a situation and making more of it than what it is.  You said that when you fall, you fall in front of everyone.  Are you really falling in front of everyone or is that how your feeling?  It appears that when you are challenged on one area of thought you now add to what is being discussed; new things like shame, fear, insecurity, lack of trust and embarrassment.  So now instead of you just working on the primary issue, secondary things are added to the equation.

Let’s say for example you did something that hurt a friend.  She confronts you about it and explains her hurts and really expresses that for the friendship to grow she needs to know that you will be more sensitive to her feelings in the future. She displayed anger, hurt, and disappointment but never questions your integrity as her friend and is  willing to forgive and move forward if you are.  Your role now is to process her hurt, apologize for your actions and try to be better aware of future offenses.  Instead you focus on how you failed and have allowed your mind to run a mile a minute and think, “How could you have been so dumb?  She said she forgave me but she was angry.”  You notice behavior that may not be there, “She is treating me different now.  I asked her something and her answer was weird.”  Now you find yourself having to work three times as hard emotionally.  Your friend has said her peace and is focused on tomorrow, while you find yourself stuck on yesterday and “what ifs.”  The situations was intended to be about the one issue but your mind has made it into so much more.

I think that your last few sentences were really interesting.  You said that you are just reminded that you are broken with no glue or tape to fix you.  I think everyone forgets that outside of Jesus Christ we are all broken.  We came into the world broken and flawed.  Some people are more broken then others, while others are able to hide their flaws better.  The difference is not that you are broken but that you spend more time looking at what is wrong with you instead of looking at what is right.  What would happen to us all if we would recognized where we fell short, gave it to God and then did whatever it took to stay still for Him to fix us?  We spend so much time using mediocre things to patch ourselves like glue and tape but that’s not a permanent fix. They just hold broken pieces together giving a false appearance of something that is whole.  Whereas God takes the broken pieces and makes you whole and new.

I wish you could see how much God values you.  When you hold on to the confidence that God has made you special and that you are not a failure, you’ll find that the challenges and confrontations in life don’t define you.  You will welcome challenges because you know that they will help better you instead of fear them.

Why do you think it’s hard for yourself and others who struggle with depression to see their value in Christ?

-Marsha