Wasted Help

In a time of pure frustration I sometimes ask myself, “Does God call us to help everyone? Does He call us to ever walk away from those who refuse help?”  In the 20 plus years that I have been in ministry, I have come across a lot of people.  As a pastor my heart has been rewarded to see the many teens, young adults and adults turn away from the lifestyles they used to be in and embrace a new one where God is leading and guiding them.  I have had the pleasure of mentoring those who have taken my advice and gone on to get married, have children, become missionaries, able to walk in their dream and live a fulfilling life.

Sadly, those were not the only results of the lives whose paths I have crossed while serving in ministry.  Along with the proud days I’ve also had those days when I would sit in my office and cry because someone has totally walked away from the idea of God just to embrace the lie that they are worthless.  They were people that I had grown to know and love who found themselves in such a sad place that they committed suicide, got involved in toxic relationships became pregnant outside of marriage and/or suffered with drug abuse.  I have wept over the lives of many, who claimed to want the help, but when faced with truth they chose to instead turn on me.

We have taken the month of February to talk about love.  Love can be painful when you are the one trying to give it unconditionally.  I’d want nothing more than to reassure you that in every encounter you have, that causes you to love a person, will end in happiness but, I can’t.  You know the phrase, “Good things happen to those who wait?”  While in some cases this is true, it is also true that at times the happy ending we are all looking for in our relationships with others may not always come. In some instances we may not be around to witness the good results behind our times of sacrifice.  Let me share one story.

There was a young man I quickly got close to, who battled with pure hatred for his father.  He was so angry because he felt that his dad was verbally abusive to his mother and younger brother.  This side of his father wasn’t seen by anyone but them.  In the public eye the father put on a façade that made him appear loving and caring.  The young man was always talking about what his father did to his brother and mother, but never said anything directly about what his father did to him personally.  The only thing he ever said was, “My dad is supposed to be a Christian, but yet treats us all like garbage.”

Stubborn Bitterness

His mother took ill and this young man’s family was rocked by the amount of treatments she would need to receive to get better.  This unforeseen circumstance caused his father to change his ways and he started to treat his mother much better.  The father, according to the young man, became more attentive and loving to his wife.  In fact, their relationship strengthened.  But the young man still held anger towards his father and refused to entertain the idea of forgiveness.  If anything, he blamed his dad all the more for causing his mother to be ill.

The young man was about 17 by this time and he was so bitter because his father was pretending like nothing from the past ever happened.  In all appearances, his father was making strides to be better.  He stopped drinking, got more involved in his church and really worked hard to be the man God had created him to be, but for his son the damage was already done.

How do you bring a sweet promise to a bitter person?  The young man would meet with me in my office from time to time and each time we met I felt like my words were falling on deaf ears more and more.  Have you ever had someone in your life who made you feel like they just didn’t want to hear you?  You are trying to encourage, but they don’t want to turn from their bitterness? This young man was bent on bitterness.  He never disrespected me, but in the process of his father getting better, he in turn was getting worse.  He soon became the thing he hated as he became the one who did the name calling and cursing at home.  He was breaking his curfew and began doing drugs, drinking and smoking.

How hard is it for you to watch those you love make stupid mistakes?  There were times where I wanted to just grab him and shake him because I knew that he was heading to a place I could not go.  It was hard to witness this change in him because, although he wasn’t the most well behaved young man, he was a good guy.  All I could do was love him through his stubbornness.  One day as we were talking and I was telling him that God forgives, and he just screamed out, “HOW CAN GOD FORGIVE MY DAD FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME?”  I was taken back.  He went on and said, “Not for what he did to my mom or what he did to my brother, but what he did to me!”  I caught that right away.  For the first time I finally heard him spew out all the things he experienced at a young age from his dad.  All the names he was called, the forms of discipline that was given and the rejection he felt for being told that he should never had been born.  Although he was still mad at his father for all these things, he was now angry at God for giving his dad a second chance.

This young man’s story had him going through many twists and turns.  In his eyes there was no silver lining.  Things progressed more when his father had to kick him out of the house because of his actions and behavior.  He was now 19 and nothing penetrated him; my advice, his friends prayers, absolutely nothing.  He became a rebel.  His younger brother, who once looked up to him, had pulled away and his mother, who he was so worried about being hurt by his father, would cry when trying to talk to him.  Somehow, he still had respect for me when we spoke even though I had to tell him about his wrongs.

It’s Not About Me

It was during these rough times where I learned some things about myself as well that I wanted to share to encourage you.

1. It’s not about me:  I had to learn that when this young man was rejecting my advice, he wasn’t rejecting me.  Many who struggle with bitterness don’t want to hear the truth.  You cannot give into the temptation of taking it personal.

2. I need to do my best:  My biggest responsibility is not to make them change but to do my best to obey God and love them the way God has asked me to.  You and I may have the desire to quit on them, be harsh to them, tell them where to go and call an Uber to get them there, but we must put our skepticism to the side and continue doing our best.

3. I can never give up:  As long as they are alive and kicking anything can happen.  We cannot allow the present situation to convince us that there is no hope.  Some people need an anchor during the times when they are going through storms.  If we are the only constant thing they know, that becomes the most important role to lead them back to truth.

No matter how hard I tried to minister to this young man through the years, he would know what he had to do, but never did it.  At one point he did forgive his father, but it didn’t change his heart.  I cared and still care for this young man; however, at some point I ran out of advice.  He would call me to ask what he should do, and I would answer, “Did you do the last thing I told you to do?”

He always gave excuses and eventually responded, “No.”

“Then that’s what you have to do.”

He didn’t see that his poor choices were resulting in bad outcomes.  This went on for two years and each time it was harder and harder for me to see him fall into situations and get worse.  What made it even harder for me was that he did not stop believing in God.  Somehow he used that as his reason to continue to rebel.  He felt that God was doing this to him and so he rebelled even more.  Had it not have been for the love that God gave me to help this young man, I think I would have lost it long ago.

There will be times when those who seek our help, don’t want it in the way we offer it.  They will, at times, know what they need to do to change yet refuse to do so.  We can’t force people to want something better; we can show them the way, help with directions and steps, and even provide opportunities for them.  In the end it must be their choice.  The hardest part for us is if the person we are trying to help is someone we care for.  It can become taxing on us emotionally and even cause us to go too far in trying to help.  We must, as best as possible, leave the door open for them to come back, but at the same time hold our ground with having patience and most of all the love of Christ.

All of us who try to help those who come from walks of life where they have experienced pain must recognize that we might not be able to help everyone.  But where I find some solace is in knowing that when I did try, I planted a seed of hope in each one.  The watering of that seed is now left in someone else’s hands.  In the meantime we are called not just to speak, but to also pray and love those who are hurt and broken.  We ask God to break the stubborn, hardened, stony heart and to reveal Himself each day to the person more and more.

Weekly Challenge:

Read Nehemiah 9:28-31.  God is not ignorant of helping those who are stubborn but look at how he responded to their evil.  I encourage you to place the name of your loved ones before God and check your heart to see some things that you can do differently to exhibit more patience during your stubborn love.

Your Heart Takes Notes

When God calls you to help people, is it possible to be there for others without getting hurt yourself?  When you are in a position where you love people and have chosen to dedicate your life to them, the pain of their wrong choices can be hard to watch.  With all that I know from 20 or so years of serving people with emotional issues, why on earth would we start Through the Winters, a ministry geared to helping the hurting and lost?  For me, I know that I’m just setting myself up for more heartache and disappointment.  However, when your heart beats for God, it also beats for people so you become willing to ignore the pain and go for what gives you life. Helping people gives me life.  It reminds me of why I am here.

Not too long ago, I almost lost that desire.  I felt pushed to the limit and what I loved being for others became more of a burden then a blessing.  There was a moment in my life where I was bitter and had given up on seeking ways to help people.  I was tired of having the best intentions for others just to have them spit back in my face when they didn’t like something I said or did. Those I helped, treated me like garbage while they honored the ones who hurt them.  I wanted out of this calling I had over my life; as I felt my heart hardening to the idea of allowing one more person into my life just for them to turn on me.  I started refusing to sacrifice any more of myself.  Some who I made myself available to thought nothing about my life and time, and they soon became selfish and self-centered—where they cared less about the fact that I had a family and a life outside of the church.

Why does true love believe the best?  I found that out when one young man in particular sent me on a wave of emotions. I met him when he was just 17 years old.  He was the guitarist in the new church that Sam and I had newly moved to.  He was described by some as cocky and sassy—still he and I became fast buddies as the time went on.  I grew to love him so much and his personality didn’t intimidate me.  He reminded me so much of my little brother.  Within a short period of time I began to see that Vincent was made for so much more than even he could imagine.  I knew that God was going to use him to lead worship in front of thousands of people, but there were some things about him that needed to change first.  Patience, for as long as I’ve known him, was never one of his strong suits.  He figured that 3 days was a long enough test for patience and that by day 4 whatever he was waiting for should come.  He battled with being impulsive and arrogant and sadly he would find out about that later.

The Pain of Believing

As I mentored him, he started to believe that he really was going to minister to thousands, but how?  That was his constant burning question.  “How was God going to do it and when?”  I talked to him about the different things he needed to change and the mentality that he needed to have.  He was going to lose what God had for him if he did not let go of his way of getting that dream to come to pass.  Along with his pursuit of his dream, he also soon became driven to find that special someone who would join him on his journey.  If God was not ready to give him his ministry then maybe God was ready to give him the woman that would be his wife.

He figured that he was ready to meet the one who would be his wife but in no time at all, it became an obsession to find her.  He asked me if I thought that God would give him a wife and I knew in my heart that there was someone that God had made just for him.  I knew that there was a woman who was picked to help in his endeavor of leading worship; along with the how and when, there was now just the question of who?  It wasn’t too long after he had returned from his one year trip to Australia to study at Hillsong Church that he and I found ourselves butting heads. We found ourselves arguing bitterly with each other and eventually Vincent admitted that my simple way of believing in God seemed to only work for me and not for others.

I don’t know if there is anyone reading this that may have a love one in who you are trying to help and you just want them to hold on a little more, but what you say to them, even though it’s true, is easier said than done?  There are those we are trying to help and being on the outside looking in, we can see the mistakes they are making to make their situation worse than what it is. Maybe you want to shake common sense in them, maybe you want them to hold on, push on, fight harder, look pass their distraction and hold to the truth that change can come when they do something different.

Vin, later apologized, but his actions changed our friendship.  His “sorry” didn’t change the fact that he was angry at life and soon he felt that it was time to leave our church and go somewhere else.  It was bittersweet as I watched him leave to go to a bigger church that could help him achieve in becoming the man I knew God was calling him to be.  Sadly, he was one of many that became so frustrated with their lives and my relationships with some of them as well, were ruined as I could not give them what they wanted from me.  They were angry at God for the why and their need for answers now.  I found myself in a place of aggravation and that’s when my heart started hardening towards them and anyone else that came along.

1. I knew that my hardening heart had started with Vin because I was angry with him for holding me responsible for God not giving him what he wanted when he wanted it.  My love for Vin was as real as it could get and I knew he loved me too but the hurt that I was having was more than I could take anymore.  I was regretting ever sharing with him what I felt he was going to be.  I thought that maybe I shouldn’t have given him hope to be greater than what he was.  Maybe I should have discouraged his desire for a wife, but my job has always been to see the destiny God has for someone and love them as they got there.I want to be by everyone’s side; however, the truth is, I don’t always get that reward.  Sometimes the impatience and the frustration of life’s challenges leave them resentful and bitter.  I wondered if I would ever see my friend as the man, I knew he could be.Practical Thinking

   1. Hurting people may want things from you that only God can give.  Know your role and don’t fall into their desire to make yourself into God.  They need you to keep pointing them to Jesus and not take the place of Jesus.

   2. Your view of God may not be seen the same to someone in a hard situation.  Be sympathetic and patient if they don’t see your view of God.  Those you are mentoring are trying to get to that next level and you have to let yourself off the hook if they don’t see it.

   3. Don’t move from the place of hope.  If our loved ones has lost hope; keep believing that they will find it.  Don’t give up till they find it.

   
   

Was it Over?

He and I talked and addressed the hurt we both had, but the day God restored us was when I was asked to go to speak at his new church.  I shared my story with the congregation, so the atmosphere was thick with emotion.  Just before the altar call the band came back up onstage and began playing in the background.  Just behind me was the guitarist and it was Vin.  Sometimes you feel like everything you have been saying to your loved ones is falling on deaf ears and nothing is getting through, but as he played, my heart was filled with joy and excitement.  I cried through the altar call, and many thought it was from sharing, but I was battling with where God had brought me from and the magical melody being played by Vincent.  When it was all over and I was meeting people and talking, he pushed past everyone else to give me a hug and whispered, “I’m proud of you.”

My friendship with Vincent was not free of our conflict and disagreements, but now almost 14 years later Vincent is getting a taste of his dream as one of the guitarists at James River Church. He has played in front of thousands and witnessed the hand of God do all that was promised. And even though he has written songs, played in front of thousands and thousands of people, the best thing that God gave him was his brand new wife Kaylee.

Vincent is one of the few who made it out of those dark seasons of doubt and fear to become who God has called him to be.  Yes, I can write about being hurt, being angry and wanting to give up because of the pain of mentoring, but nothing has warmed my heart more than the moment I look in the face of that person who made it out.  They defeated doubt and fear.  They fell but got back up.  They talked themselves into continuing their hope in God.  It makes every tear, every prayer, and every fight worth it.

As we come to a close I would like to encourage you never to give up on those you are praying for.  Yes, it may hurt but sometimes the pain you feel is showing how much you care.  Who said being there for people was not supposed to hurt?  (I’m writing this to myself as well because these thoughts are never completely gone.)

If you are in need of additional assistance, please comment below or email us on the side at thruthtewinters@gmail.com.  We would love to hear from you.

The Crush That Crushed

Have you ever loved someone that didn’t love you back?  I was about twelve years old when I had my first real crush.  I had it bad for the drummer in my church who was about 3 years older than me.  Lame, dorky, pre-teen, were all perfect descriptions of me at that age–when it came to him.  If there was a perfect example of a lovesick teenager I was her.  I found myself sitting closer and closer to the front of the sanctuary, not so that I could get a God experience, but to get a better look at him when he played.  It’s very possible that he couldn’t play for a hill of beans but because I was so “in love”, every beat he hit made me melt into the pew.

I did almost anything to get his attention, but like most 15-year-old boys he was more caught up in himself, he didn’t give me the time of day.  This young man gave as much attention to me as someone would a wilted piece of grass. I can’t forget the day he finally talked to me for the first time.  I don’t remember what he said to me because I think I passed out from shock.  What I also remember though, is the day I saw him kissing a girl from our youth group.  I cried for days.  I had this stupid idea that one day he would see me as someone special enough to pay attention to. All those days of daydreaming about our wedding, our kids, and our future together went out the door.

Even though my eyes saw the kiss and the inappropriate affections of two teenage kids, my heart still hoped that one day he would be with me.  Why would I hope for something like that when it was clear that I was not the one he wanted?  His heart was clearly with some other person.  I felt bad for him because it was obvious that I was more awesome than her but it was his loss…LOL. Eventually, I forgot about my handsome drummer boy with bad judgment and ventured off to something else.

I know that I am not the only one who can relate to placing affection towards someone that doesn’t deserve it.  Can you understand the idea of loving someone that doesn’t love you back? Well God knows that feeling all too well.  Last week we talked about a prophet named Hosea who married a prostitute in obedience to God.  Hosea was a representation of God while Gomer, his wife, was a representation of us.

Undeserved Love

What is it like to really be loved?  Gomer and I have a lot in common because the version of “love” that I was familiar with was one that was abusive, selfish and unforgiving.  Gomer was use to being used and abused like a Kleenex tissue cleaning up an oil spill.  She did not feel comfortable being treated like fine silk.  Hosea tried to heal her through his love but pure love is painful when it just confirms how screwed up you are.  The true love of God is not fuzzy and warm.  The love of God is not as exciting as you think in the beginning.  The painful desire to flee arises when one who is broken and knows nothing of “unfailing love” and it’s pure, relentless, self-less qualities, has a true experience.  Sometimes the shame of our past behavior becomes that more real.

In this heart-wrenching story of Gomer and Hosea, Gomer has run off again.  Due to her need for dysfunction and chaos, she has left her husband and prostituted herself again.  In Hosea chapter 3, Gomer is the victim of–what we now call–human trafficking because she is a slave to the man who captured her.  What does a husband do when he has spent years cleaning up the dirt of his wife, clothed her and loved her as much as he can just for her to seek slavery over safety?

Then God ordered me, “Start all over: Love your wife again,

your wife who’s in bed with her latest boyfriend, your cheating wife.

Love her the way I, God, love the Israelite people,

even as they flirt and party with every god that takes their fancy.”

God is telling Hosea that he wants him to love his wife the way God loves Israel.  So what did Hosea do?  Well, think about what he had to do.  He first needed to come to grips with the idea that his wife is not out buying groceries and must have stopped to get a mani-pedi.  She went to a lover’s house that is not letting her go.  I remember at 12 years old being crushed by seeing my drummer boy making out with his recent love, but Hosea wasn’t a lovesick little girl gazing at a kid who was just getting over his acne.  He was a man that fell in love with his wife even though she did not show that same love back and was not like the other wives.  Not only was she looked at by others as a dishonorable woman, but he was looked at as well by the community. I’m sure many wondered why he did not divorce her or have her stoned to death for her constant addiction and unfaithfulness?

When he found her she was giving herself to her newest boyfriend.  When she was at home with him, Hosea was just looking for her to hold his hand just once as he passed her.  He wanted her to notice him as I wanted my crush to notice me. Look at what he said…

I did it. I paid good money to get her back.

It cost me the price of a slave.

Then I told her, “From now on you’re living with me.

No more whoring, no more sleeping around.

You’re living with me and I’m living with you.”

Can I be honest with you, this is the most uncomfortable love I’ve ever heard about but it’s exactly what God did for you and me.  You see the reason why we struggle with letting God love us is that it reveals our: shortcomings, impatience, dirtiness, filthiness, the basic muck and mire of loving a person who finds it more pleasing to roll around in mud; instead of clothing themselves with the robe of righteousness.  How would you feel putting on a clean, expensive, white robe after you just rolled in the mud and have dirt caked on your skin?

Stay With Me…Please

How did Gomer feel when her husband knocked on the door and she was naked in the bed?  How did she feel when tears started rolling down his face as he saw his wife giving someone else something that belonged to him?  What do you think she felt as her current lover was demanding money before he let her go?  How embarrassed was she when her husband had to scrape together all that he had to buy back his own wife?  I just can’t help but cry because that was the scene when God loved me again.

I’m going to go farther and say that maybe Hosea had clean clothes for her.  He was not the kind of lover to make you walk the streets in your whoring clothes to add to your disgrace.  Maybe he helped her dress and as he did that he lifts her chin and said with tears in his eyes, “From now on you’re living with me.”  She drops her head and starts sobbing and then he says, “No more whoring, no more sleeping around.”  She nods her head seeing that his love is real and never failing.  He lifts her head one last times and makes something clear, “You’re living with me and I’m living with you.”  He was letting her know that he still wanted to be with her.  He wasn’t paying for her to come back with him so that he can make her live in isolation.

Will God do that for us?  I remember when living in the filth of sin and God broke through the atmosphere of death and loved me.  It didn’t make me happy that he came.  It made me feel vulnerable and confirmed how broken I was.  I needed to make the same choice that Gomer needed to; was I going to let my God take me home even though I knew I didn’t deserve it or stay in slavery.  I chose to let God love the dirt off of me.  When I allowed him to clothe me in his righteousness I realized that my dirt wasn’t going to rub off on my new robe.  The longer I wore it the cleaner I became.

Before we can let God love us we have to be willing to leave our old lovers alone.  God is trying to get us to just give him some attention.  We go about our day sometimes and don’t even acknowledge his presence.  How many times have we missed him whisper of our name in the wind?  How many times has he tried to show off by giving you an unexpected rainbow only for us to look the other way?  How busy is our day that we never see him or think to spend time with him?  God crushes on us and like someone who crushes on another His heart skips a beat when he is with us.

Weekly Challenge:

Read 1 John 4:7-19 as we are in the month of shiny hearts and chocolate, look where the true meaning of love lies.  Question if you really understand love.  If you don’t, what about it don’t you understand?  Think about what is most uncomfortable about God’s love.  What old love do you need to let go of to live with God and to allow God to live with you?

We would love to hear from you.  Please feel free to comment on the bottom or message us.

Making the Biggest Mistake of My Life

What is love anyway?  What does life look like without understanding what love is?  It’s going to be Valentine’s Day in a couple of weeks.  Valentine’s Day was never the same for me after meeting Sam.  Almost 22 years ago I thought that I made the biggest mistake of my life with him.  On August 1^st 2020 I will have been married to Sam for 22 years.  I was only 20 years old and he was 21, so the choice to marry young just seemed childish and immature to most.  I have to confess, on the day I married Sam, I thought I just ruined his life.  My brain was filled with all the horrible things that were going to happen from not thinking this through a bit more.  When this picture was taken of us at the altar I remember some of the thoughts that were bombarding me:

“Do you think this is a game?  This is forever!”

“Why in the world did you do this? You can’t turn back now.”

“Not only are you going to ruin your life, but his as well and there will be an audience to witness it too.”

Allow me to take you back to the months leading up to our “special day.”  As I got closer to that precious moment I wanted to run away because my insecurities were surfacing more and more. You could see that Sam was called by God to love me, but I didn’t know if I was called to receive it.  God had prepared him emotionally and mentally to marry a very broken woman, but I wasn’t prepared to be put back together.  Before he and I began to date, all of his previous girlfriends were just like me.  They were severely abused and some were even raped by someone else while being in a relationship with him.  He had a heart for those who had my type of wounds because God was calling him to love the broken.  I would love to tell you that his pure love made me run into his arms for safety and healing, but it was the other way around; I fought my husband in so many ways.  I also refused to trust him or be vulnerable with him.

In our January “Love Yourself Challenge”, we talked about four different relationship styles that many people fall into.  I was a little like the first three, I hated intimacy but yet thrived on insecurity, I was also combative.  I struggled to receive love because it was too vulnerable and kind.  I was use to betrayal, abuse and pain but all Sam gave was patience, kindness and love.

A few years before my relationship with Sam, there was a young man in my life who was not good for me at all.  At the time I didn’t think he was bad for me, instead, I saw him as a friend and confidant since we practically grew up together.  I didn’t see as I do now, but he was abusive, selfish and exactly what I thought I deserved.  He used me, put me down and made me feel like trash.  He violated me verbally, physically and expected loyalty from me which I gave to him.  He was vulgar and vile in his words to me, but I’ll be honest, I felt comfortable with him.

The Familiar Abusive Love

When my relationship with Sam started getting serious I knew I couldn’t have him and the other toxic relationship as well.  The other young man was not happy by the invasion Sam was having in his life when it came to me.  I will never forget the day he took me to the side and asked me if I was really going to throw away everything I had with him for Sam who was a stranger.  Those who have never been battered and bruised may not understand why a person would stay with someone who hurts you, but to the victim, it is all they know.  What other way of life do we know?  My heart was torn because I became familiar with the demons I had to face with this young man.  What I now faced with Sam was strange to me.  I was use to the sexual assault from my friend, I was use to him making me fight for his affections.  I was use to him making me jealous by making me number two to every and any other girl that showed him attention.  I was use to the fights, the arguments, the cold shoulders and isolation I felt because I did not meet his expectations.  I know, this should be a “no brainers” on which way I would sway…right.

It was just that Sam was offering me “strange” love.  I was not used to this powerful sacrificial love that was willing to get into the dirt with me.  It was a love that was willing to wait and be patient.  It was a love that pushed me to be better.  The young man I had in my life was a familiar love but it was harsh, unforgiving, painful, conditional, selfish, and demanding.  I knew what to expect with this love, with Sam, I was uncomfortable and unfamiliar.  I needed to make a decision.  My husband was not oblivious to the truth that I wanted to end my relationship with him just because I thought he was way too good for me.  I didn’t feel like I deserved that kind of love.

That “Strange” Love

There was a woman in the Bible who battled with uncomfortable love. Her husband was called to love her in her constant unfaithful, disgusting, abusive, and selfish mess.  Let’s look at an unconventional marriage of a powerful prophet of God, who was asked by the Lord to take a prostitute as his wife.  In this unusual love story, Hosea is called to love a woman name Gomer – who just couldn’t handle his love.  She kept running from him and put his love to the test.  God helps to show Hosea how to love his wife through her mess and unfaithfulness.  In the following verses, God is using Hosea’s experience to express how he feels about Israel.

“And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her. I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope. She’ll respond like she did as a young girl, those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

And then I’ll marry you for good—forever! I’ll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I’ll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You’ll know me, God, for who I really am.  -Hosea 2:14, 15, 19-20 MSG

How many times are we faced with people who get tired of our nonsense so they just give up on us?  It’s possible that we pushed them to make those choices.  Our fear of abandonment, insecurity and fear of rejection has caused us to bring more chaos in our relationships then necessary. I love how God is willing to start fresh and how He is willing to start over with you and me.  When we are so used to others giving up on us, we think that God is going to do the same.  We are so blessed to have a lover in Him who is willing to start over and over again with us.  Each time God starts over, He doesn’t want the same old love back, but a fresh new love. God wants things to be new and fresh each time.

Look at the scripture from Hosea where God said, He will marry us in love and tenderness.  What is that?  For someone like me, who allowed people to de-value me and treat me in unkind ways, I become convinced that abusive love was the best I would get.  There are others like me who lower their expectations and embrace abusive love as their version of reality.  It is the kind of love they have learned to become comfortable with.

I made the choice—to this day I don’t know what made me do it—to embrace what was uncomfortable for me.  I needed to fall in love with God first and see myself as He saw me.  It was only after that, when I was able to truly able to marry the second love of my life.  Since then, my life has been saturated with a love that continues to be foreign to me.  Some of you reading this might know what I mean.  You know that the love God has given you has been hard to receive even though it is what you need.  Others of you might still be searching, but listen, don’t give up hope.  God knows how to pick up broken pieces and fix them in ways that become new.

I want to encourage you to look and see if maybe there is an abusive love in your life.  Is there a love that isn’t really love at all, one that reminds you of your failures, your mistakes, where you fall short, and insecurities?  We must look for a love that will never give up, one that will be willing to start over and who loves the best in you.

Sometimes I think I am destined to never understand my husband’s dedication and so I will never understand my God, who is my first love.  That couldn’t be far from the truth.  That brings us to the next line where God said that He “Won’t leave us nor let us go.” I don’t know of any other God who never gives up on those who follow Him.

Weekly Challenge:

Read Hosea 2:14-23 and Ezekiel 20:35 and 36. Read it in a version that is easy flowing and see how much God goes above and beyond to show Israel how much he loves them and wants to be with them. I would really like for you to replace Israel with your name. After, write down how he displays that kind of love to you. Think of ways that maybe you are having a hard time receiving his strange love. We would love to hear your thoughts so please feel free to comment below or email us. We have been loving the discussions.

Secure Bromance

Has there ever been a great example of friendship where the both parties involved were secure in themselves and in their relationship with each other?  In his early twenties, David, from the Bible was working in the palace and fighting alongside the man who he would later succeed as king, Saul.  In these emotionally charged years, David became fast friends with Saul’s son Jonathan. Jonathan was much older than David—it was thought that he was maybe as much as 10-15 years older—when taking David under his wing.  Jonathan saw in David both power and fierceness.   Even though he was next in line to be king, it appeared that Jonathan was okay with not inheriting the throne.  In fact, scripture shows that he valued the friendship he and David held more than anything.  The bromance that these two men had for each other was rare, loving and a perfect example of how a true secure relationship between friends could look like. Let’s look and see what this relationship shows us.

For January we have been talking about the importance of loving yourself so that we can have healthy relationships. We talked about the Intimacy Free Relationship where we want a strong relationship but not allow ourselves to be vulnerable or exchange intimate thoughts and feelings. In the Insecure Relationship , one seeks for a connection where they are willing to allow themselves to be defined by any bond that they can have with any other person.  They are afraid of losing the person they attached themselves to and become willing to cling on to the relationship even if it has become one of disrespect and abuse.  In the Chaotic Relationship take both and mesh them together where we get close with someone but there is a lot of drama, fear, and turmoil.  Now, for our last week, I want to talk about the Secure Relationship; this is where David and Jonathan can show us some ways in which we can operate a healthy form of relationship.

In the other three relationships, we explained that sometimes we can be too scared of being vulnerable to share about who we are.  So true intimacy is hard for us and we take what we can get and settle in.  In a secure relationship, we can find it easy and effortless to be ourselves with those who we are close to.  Now, when we battle with intimacy like in the intimacy-free relationship, we hate hearing or seeing our loved ones break down or show emotion. While secure people welcome these feelings with hopes of getting closer with that person during those times.  When we find ourselves in one of the first three categories we spoke of, we may find that being alone can be tormenting and an indication that we were worthless and unworthy to be loved.  However, secure relationships love being with other people and at the same time don’t mind being alone nor sees it as a sign of failure or worthlessness.  We who are in insecure relationships want respect from our loved ones and want them to attend to our needs but if it is not offered, we will accept disrespect and keep our needs and feelings hidden from others. Those in secure relationships want the same as the ones in the insecure relationships.  The difference is in the security they find within themselves.  If the other fails in some way to return the love and respect back, their confidence within themselves doesn’t allow them to settle, but more forward.  Another difference, while those of us in an intimacy free relationship try to avoid intimacy at all cost for fear of getting hurt, those in secure relationships are less afraid to allow intimacy.

Do you relate to any of these characteristics?  What does a secure friendship look like while in hard times?  Of course, every relationship is great when nothing is going on but what happens when trials and tribulation become companions in your friendship journey?  How do you handle it?

Secure In the Storm

In the relationship with David and Jonathan, we see four things we can learn from them.  Jesus said that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves in Matthew 19:19, and Jonathan was the best example of that.

“After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.” – 1 Samuel 18:1

1. Jonathan’s love for this young man was sacrificial and vulnerable. Knowing that he loved David as he loved his own soul, he was not willing to allow his soul, nor his friend, to be without comfort, support or protection. Sometimes just being able to serve, love and protect our friends like we do ourselves, can be a hurdle that we feel is too big to overcome.

Jonathan did what he could to help David get to the position God called David to; even if that meant Jonathan himself would lose out. In the verses after this one, Jonathan takes off all his royal garments and placed it on David. How do you know royalty? By their garments and whatever indicated to others that Jonathan was the prince was stripped and given to David. So by the end of this conversation, David looked like Jonathan.

2. The next thing we saw with Jonathan and David was that they were willing to be vulnerable with each other. David told Jonathan about his fear of Saul, Jonathan’s father and the king, was trying to kill him. When you read the story you can see that David had fear and confusion in his voice. After missing a few attempts to kill David, Saul lied to Jonathan and told him that he was not going to kill David.  He made another attempt and it was this attempt that caused David go to Jonathan and say, in 1 Sam 20:1, 2

“What have I done? What is my crime? How have I wronged your father, that he is trying to kill me?”  “Never!” Jonathan replied. “You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn’t do anything, great or small, without letting me know. Why would he hide this from me? It isn’t so!”

What would you do in this situation?  Would you avoid Jonathan?  Would you accuse Jonathan for being apart of the conspiracy to kill you?  Would you say that Jonathan was siding with his father?  Would you be angry with him for not believing you?  Or would you just push Jonathan to leave the friendship because you are expecting it anyway?  Or maybe you would just beat yourself up for actually trusting that he could be believed.

Well, David allowed himself to be angry, confused and afraid without the thought that Jonathan would be offended or would reject him.  At the same time, Jonathan did not agree with him.  He felt that David was wrong and combated him.  A secure relationship is not afraid to have healthy conflict. They don’t think they are going to be abandoned or rejected.

I’ve had a relationship where myself and the other person never had a disagreement.  Now, I know that, that may sound nice, but I don’t trust any relationship that is without disagreements.  You have to have your opinion while I can have mine on something and we can be okay still.  I need us to be upset with each other when we cross a line because it is then where the truth of how we really care for one another comes to the surface.  I see who you really are and see if you are in this for self or for true friendship.  So I was there I was, faced with that moment when my friend and I got into our first fight.  It was an interesting encounter but I knew after that we would have a few more and I was not disappointed. Some things needed to be brought to the surface in our relationship.  We fought, argued and disagreed.  Tempers rose and flared but I can confidently say that with every single disagreement it solidified our bond.  We grew closer and closer to each other because we didn’t allow each other to rob us of who we were and that helped us to strengthen and trust our growing friendship.  Today I know conflict and disagreements won’t shatter us.

Secure Humility

3. Jonathan and David responded to each other’s needs. Sometimes we are so hung up on our needs that, when we take a step back, we can see that the relationship is more about us gratifying ourselves then helping the other person. We want the relationship to fit what we need as opposed to fitting the needs of the other person as well. When we are only seeking for our needs to be met, then we are like the insecure person who will only keep the person in their life for validation of worth.

In the verses above David is an anxious state and even though Jonathan didn’t agree with his thoughts he did take steps to see if David was correct. 1 Samuel 20:4

Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you.”

A secure relationship thrives on humility and loyalty. Jonathan didn’t want to believe David but he humbled himself…remember he is 10-15 years older than him. He submitted himself to David’s emotions.

Secure people are in touch with their feelings, but they work very hard not to live by them or allow themselves to be overwhelmed by it. As angry as David was –as much as Jonathan didn’t want to believe his irate friend–neither of them allowed their emotions to overtake them and blind them to see the truth.

I’ve seen people allow what they feel dictate to them what must be true.  Just because what you feel is real it does not mean what causes that feeling is.  It’s like the kid who believes that there is a monster in their closet.  He may see a shadow or heard something fall.  It causes his mind to respond and his fear that some big scary creature is there, in the room, becomes real.   The emotion is true but it’s cause is not.   David’s words angered or at least bothered Jonathan but he did not allow that to cause him to break the bond that they created.  David could have responded in a way that would have had him question Jonathans loyalty to the friendship.  Both of them knew who they were to each other confidently in their heart and mind.  This allowed them to be confident in their friendship and not allow outside influences affect what they built.

Relationships with others is important.  We are relational beings.  In them we find a place of belonging and comfort.  They allow us to have experiences and opportunities that challenge our limits and goals in life.  In relationships we find direction and ways to seek for purpose.  This is why pursuing relationships is even more important.  If the thoughts we have of our self is weak, any relationship we seek to have now fills the blank areas in us with it’s own limits, it’s own views of how life will be and it’s own standards.  Whereas, like Jonathan and David, if we know and understand who we are, the relationships we pursue enhances who we are, encourages us to grow further in life and raises our standards.

Now I don’t know about you but the only way I have learned to be secure in who I am has only been possible because of my relationship with God.  Who better to define me than the one who created me?  When I submitted my heart, mind, and who I am to be defined by Him, no one else’s opinion mattered.  I still needed relationships, but they were defined by how I already saw myself…a child of God.

As we come to the close of this year’s Love Yourself Challenge, I pray that you will take a moment to evaluate how you are with others and be honest if it mirrors how you may be struggling with yourself.  We love you so much.  Please comment below or email us on the side for additional help.

I Deserve Hell

It was a beautiful school Easter presentation and I was pleased and proud of my four children who participated in some manner.  After the program, everyone was congratulating their child and gave them the encouragement and pats on the back they needed.  Sam and I told our kids the same but one of them, Maria, seemed to be lost in her head a little but was putting on a good face.  At some point in the night my daughter came to me and as we talked she finally admitted that, at the age of 9, she was convinced that she was a horrible person and that she was going to hell.  I asked her how she could believe that and she had no answer.  I watched tears come down her face as she spoke about the lies she repeated to herself, believing that she was too bad for God and that she would never make it into heaven.

I talked with her tenderly because I remember all too well, not that much younger than her, that I was convinced of the same thing.  I told Maria that God knew her heart and that she needed to believe that he can and will help her change.  I later found out that much of her feelings were because of the mean things she had been doing to some girls in her class.  While those same girls were just as savage with their mouth and deeds as she had been, Maria felt that her behavior omitted her from God’s grace.  As the talk with her went on, I encouraged her to do the right thing and make changes in her behavior so that she can be a good friend.

I thought that this was over and that Maria was finally going to turn everything around but I was wrong.  Not that long after, I received a call from her teacher.  Apparently, she got in trouble for writing nasty letters to mean girls giving them a piece of her mind and throwing a girl’s lunch box on the floor.  She was placed on the bench for her behavior and when a teacher wasn’t looking one of the mean girls came over to taunt her and she proceeded to spit in the girl’s face.

UGHHHH!! I want to ring that girl’s neck but something was wrong with my little girl.. I had just spoken to her about how she wanted to change…I know the mean girls played a part, but there was something more.  I sat with Maria and she had listened to different Bible studies and it was clear that God was looking for people to follow him who were loving, caring…basically perfect…so she thought.  She was not perfect and she knew it and the punishment for anything less than perfection was hell.  So instead of Maria aiming for perfection she decided that if hell wanted her she was going to be the best hellraiser she could be.

She felt she was not worthy of close loving relationships so she went to school aiming to get approval from girls who made her feel like garbage.  No matter how much I told her to stay away from the mean girls, she wanted them.  She was drawn to the drama, rejection, disapproval and competition.  It didn’t matter that there were beautiful girls who were loving, caring and wanted friendship from her.  She wanted what was forbidden.

I’m Attracted To Choas

Is she like many of us who struggle with being attracted to unhealthy, toxic, chaotic relationships?  The first week we talked about the Intimacy Free relationship.  Then the second week we talked about the Insecure Relationship and today I would like to talk about the Chaotic Relationship.  In the chaotic relationship, your feelings confuse even you.  The number one reason why you’re feelings confuse you is because you don’t think you are worth comfort, protection or love but at the same time you don’t see others as trustworthy, reliable or accessible.  Now this sounds so much like what I spoke about the first week of our Love Yourself Challenge.  In this case, though, you have a little bit of the intimacy free relationship because you are torn between wanting to be close to someone and wanting to pull away. At the same time you are like the insecure relationship where you are extremely clingy to those you fight, argue or have drama with.

How do you cope with confusing feelings, vulnerabilities and the habit of clinginess?  One of the things I saw in Maria was that when she felt like she was not good enough to even get into heaven, she disconnected from her feelings.  She felt like it was better to be reckless, so to speak, and go after those who would reinforce her feelings of not being good enough.  This is where loving ourselves come into play.

How do we disconnect from ourselves?  Well think about how you disconnect with a person, you war with them, you slowly become careless about their feelings, and you do things that you know they don’t like with no care of how they my feel.  We can do the same things to ourselves where we slowly careless about our own desires and likes.  We fight with our self about why we keep making the same stupid mistake of trusting people, believing that this was going to be different and that someone could or would ever love us.  We are very descriptive in informing our self of our failures, our mess ups and how we’ll never be good enough and no one could ever understand us when we don’t even understand ourselves.

Love Like Christ

Why do we tend to punish ourselves when it comes to the topic of relationship?  In the face of intimacy and closeness we tent to question our self-worth and wonder if we deserve our loneliness, our pain or isolation.  Like Maria, we feel like our mistakes disqualifies us from experiencing love and acceptance.  Those girls in her class reminded her that she was not the smartest person in the room, that she was not the prettiest, most talented or the wealthiest.  She went to school to impress them but when she showed them what she had and was vulnerable, they just did what 4th graders do, they showed her how she still wasn’t enough.

What happens when we believe the lies we have been told?  Well, let me tell you, everyone gets hurt by someone at some point in life.  Very few people, who have lived for any time at all, can say they’ve never felt the sting of someone’s words or the betrayal of someone else’s selfishness.  These moments do cause damage in the soul but our own insecurities elevates them causing us to become hypersensitive to the circumstances of life.  Many can probably relate to times where our insecurities expected betrayal where there was no sign of betrayal and felt abandonment when there was no abandonment.

So how do we get to a place where we can put the chaos, drama and confusing feelings to the side.

John 15:12-15

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

There are a few things that we can learn from these verses that can help us to have a different perspective of relationship.

1. We have love each other. We can’t just love each other the way we were taught to love.  The love that the world shows each other is conditional, costly, selfish and painful.  We love someone when they love us or we love others or there is no return.  That’s not the love that God gives.  We love God because he first loves us.  Love is a choice and God never waits for us to return love in order to shower it on us.  In return he wants us to choose to love one another.
2. How do we show our love for each other? We need to be willing to lay down our lives for each other.  That is so extreme, right?  I know I can lay my life down for my children, my husband, my mother but my friend?  Don’t friends come and go?  Why am I going to lay my life down for someone who may not even stay that long? God never intended friendship to be something that came and went.  God expected man to find unity, wholeness, and companionship with friends.  Friends were supposed to sometimes be closer to you than family.

“Marsha, friends don’t come like that anymore. Times are different.”  I understand that but God’s word is not different.  Growing up, I had friends come and go, leave me, hurt me, betray me and I was always on the other end of friendship.  One day God said to me, even though there aren’t friends like that with you, I want you to teach true relationship by being the friend I ask you to be.  Sometimes you have to be the person you want others to be instead of searching for them.

When we love ourselves, it changes the trajectory of our relationships.  When we see ourselves worthy of God’s love and we allow him to love us the way we are supposed to be, then we can turn around and love others.  Will there be fights?  Will there be disagreements?  Will there be times when things get heated?  Absolutely but the difference is that we aren’t allowing these relationships to determine our worth and value.

Without intimacy, centered in insecurity and thriving on chaos, relationships just highlights how we don’t love ourselves.  We must see how our lack of love for ourselves drowns us in toxic relationships.  In the next week’s article we will talk about what a secure, strong relationship looks like and ways in which we can start making steps in that direction.  If you have any questions ask or comment below or email us at thruthewinters@gmail.com.

The Disease Of Loneliness

Is there any “relationship security” in insecurity?  Sherrie was a beautiful young teenage girl with everything going for her.  She was a singer, dancer and was acting in plays, with ambitions to do something great with her life since she was raised in a home that was well to do.  Things changed, however, when Sherrie got into a relationship with Jason.  He was another teen in our youth group and in no time at all that she happily handcuffed herself to this relationship.  Jason had his own major issues and after some time I saw the dysfunction in this relationship.  Things went downhill even more after they became sexual involved with each other.    Sherrie’s fear of Jason leaving became such a nightmare that she was willing to ignore all the signs that he didn’t want her anymore.  She did all she could to please him, because abandonment and rejection was not something she could face.

“The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted, uncared for, and deserted by everybody.  The greatest evil is the lack of love.”

-Mother Theresa

How does someone come to grips with the fact that the one they absolutely love, who makes their heart beat and stop, doesn’t want to be with them?  The feeling of being uncared for, abandoned or rejected is like someone you love tying a 500 pound weight on your ankles, handcuffing you and throwing you in the deepest sea.  There is no escaping the power loneliness and the helpless, hopeless emotion that seems to drown us.  Where does someone go when these feelings are confirmed?

Jason’s abusive nature started to surface as he made it clear he was unfaithful and he tried breaking up with her many times.  However, the longer she was without him the more worthless, lonely, unlovable and abandoned she felt.  His words of offense and insult were harsh but it was worth it if she was with him.  She found worth and completion in him and in him alone, despite all his expressions of dislike and need for separation.

I know that Sherrie’s story sounds sad because we think we would never do that.  We would never allow ourselves to drop so low to get love.  Believe it or not, we all relate to people in one of four different ways.  Last week, we talked about those who want relationship but hate the intimacy of it.  Today I want to talk to you about the Insecure Relationship. These are the ones that say “I need and have to please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable.”

No Security In Insecurity

Do you have an insecure relationship with people you love?  Maybe you aren’t as connected to someone like Sherrie and Jason, but this kind of relating goes beyond a romance.  So what does an Insecure Relationship look like?  Well, those who find themselves in this category usually may not have had a good example of relationships.  In some cases, not all, the person has had a caregiver, like a parent, show relationships as a spot to be earned.   They secure their relationships by good works and a need to be perfect.  To have flaws or make mistakes will cause the other person to leave them or withhold love and acceptance from them.  The insecure person can be very demanding and have bouts of anger if the loved one doesn’t cling to them the way that they feel they should be loved.  This in turn leads to constantly going above and beyond to please those they are in a relationship with.

What causes the desire and need in a person to relate in this very tiring, insecure way?   Many psychologist believe that this type of relating is fueled by the need to be rescued from the abundant emotions of loneliness, and feeling empty and worthless.  These three emotions, along with others, can haunt an individual to think that it is a only through the relationship they find with a parent, sibling, friend, boss, pastor, lover, or whomever, that will save them from the false thoughts that flood them.

What is saddest to me, is I have discovered, that those suffering through this are some of the loveliest people you will ever meet.  They are sacrificial, truly loving, very dedicated individuals and many times they truly enjoy laughing and life with their loved ones.  Even though they can’t see it in themselves, they do a very good job of making someone else feel good about who they are.   The insecure person can also lack the confidence to do things on their own and so they look for someone to be there to protect them.  As wonderful and heartwarming that this person can be, it is not love that fuels them to be this way, but it is fear.

When we truly learn to love ourselves, we don’t rely on others to be our fulfillment of joy, or provide our sense of self and purpose.  It is an emotionally dangerous business to put demands and expectations on others to rescue us from such a false mindset that we are battling with.

More Secure in 2020

So how do we start loving ourselves better in 2020 if we struggle with Insecure Relationships?

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.   This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the Day of Judgment:  In this world we are like Jesus.   There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us.     –1 John 4:16-19

This verse gives us four different things we can do in order to take a different perspective of when we are struggling with insecure relationship styles.

1. We must realize that the only kind of love we can rely on is God’s love. Man will fail you and many lump God in the same way people have failed us.  Though He may not do things the way we would always like, we need to learn that His ways are perfect.  It has to be us who may have to look at everything differently.  When we see Him as God, and not man, we will be able to absorb His love for us and in turn affect how we view every relationship we form going forward.
2. True love comes from God.We cannot successfully duplicate real love without God.  Yes, there are those who are not people of faith who love but the knowledge of true love comes with the understanding of the author of love, God.  When we realize that God is the embodiment of love and are serious about encountering this, by accepting Him into your life you make the decisions to live in that love and that love is produced in us as well.
3. Next…there is no fear in love.What does that mean?  Well it means that when true love is present the fears of abandonment and rejection are removed.  Maybe you are thinking, “Marsha, I loved my parents, I loved my friend, I loved so and they still left, abandoned and rejected me.”  Remember what I said in the first point; man will fail, which is why God should never be lumped in with man.  It stinks when those we trust and love hurt us, there is no doubt about that, but they are human and humans are never perfect.  Though human interaction is important and the scriptures teach us that we are to encourage and help develop one another, it also teaches us that our hopes and dreams should not be placed in man but in God.  God’s love never fails.  He will always make a way, provide strength and will be there when others have failed.  We need not fear because His perfect love reassures us in who we are.
4. Love secures your identity.  When you see yourself as God sees you, you begin to understand His love for you and that casts out the fear of abandonment, fear of rejection or fear of loneliness. Does that mean we won’t get rejected, or that every relationship will work out the way you want it to?  No of course not.  Things will still happen and bad days will still come, but you won’t carry with you a desire to buy love or secure a spot in an others heart.  It also means that when you face a moment with someone who wants to terminate their link to you, you won’t feel like your identity has been destroyed

What ever happened with Sherrie and Jason?  Well after close to six maybe seven years, Jason did finally break off the relationship and intentionally got in a relationship with someone else who later became his wife.  Sherrie finally faced the truth and went on her own journey to build back her self-image.  It was not long before she too found someone else, got married and she now has two beautiful children.  She needed to discover her worth and was willing to let go of her fear of abandonment in order to embrace a healthy relationship.

The power of love and being love is far greater than I could ever explain.  Relationship is the air to our lungs so being in a healthy one with a loving God whose love for us is perfect, allows us to live and love others.  We would  love to hear from you.  Please comment below or email us on the side at thruthewinter@gmail.com.  Follow us on instagram and facebook @throughthewinters.com.

Happy New Years from TTW family. Every year we have wanted to start off the year talking about different ways we can love ourselves better. So let’s start off 2020 with our annual LYC2020.

I Hate Relationships

Can our willingness to have intimate relationship promote a healthy self?  She was rough, tough, without emotion, negative, and as skeptical as skeptical could be and the last things she wanted was an intimate relationship with someone.  Connie was about 13 years old when she started coming to my youth group; she fascinated me more and more because of her lack of emotion.  She was a girl that desired a relationship but refused to let anyone in.  Connie was insensitive to many when she would hear her peers talk about what they were going through emotionally.  She found tears and crying a form of pure weakness and a character flaw.

What made this young lady so different than the other girls?  While most kids warmed up to me after a few weeks, Connie was doing a great job of keeping her distance from me even though it seemed like I was wearing her down.  On many occasions, I would sit with her and got connie to open up about her life outside of the church.  In these conversations it became clear as to why Connie was the way she was.  Even more interesting, was that even though what she was experiencing was very harsh moments, Connie refused to express any emotions about it all. To her, this was life and it explained why she looked at everyone else as soft and weak.  What others complained about was nothing compared to Connie’s life.

Connie was a very neglected teenager, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  Her parents were very serious alcoholics and their verbal and physical abuse was heartbreaking; the things that they said to her, the things she saw and the beating she got, the things she was forced to do, gave me a better understanding of why she was so numb to everything.  She hated her parents and if there was anything she wanted more, it was for her parents to truly die in their sins, as Sam and I would preach about, so they could go straight to hell; this was a prayer she prayed to come true for almost  a year.

Connie came regularly to our youth services and watched as the other kids built strong bonds with me and my husband.  She wanted the same thing but Connie was scared to embrace me because she felt I would leave her.  She was used to being left, abused, abandoned and rejected.  As she continued with us, it was not a shock that she hated herself; well if her parents didn’t show her that they loved her why should she love herself?

I Hate Intimacy

In our annual Love Yourself Challenge, I want to start a conversation on our approach to relationships.  Why does our love or hate of relationship reflect how we see ourselves?  Our need for relationship is even more powerful than our need for food.  Just as much as our lung need air, our souls need relationship; it’s not a want but a detrimental part for our survival.  Not being able to love who you are damages the healthy way in which you find positive relationships.  So ask yourself these two questions…

1. Am I worthy of being loved?
2. Am I able to do what is needed to get the love I need?

Your sense of self is either positive or negative based on your answers.  The belief in our self will essentially guide ones behavior in close relationships.  The following is a list of four kinds of thoughts and behaviors that we may have in these encounters with those whom we love.

1. The Insecure Relationship: I need and have to please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable.  Their relationship is fueled by fear of abandonment and rejection.
2. The Chaotic Relationship: Chaos and abuse is more familiar than peace and harmony.  You are unfamiliar with intimacy, deep friendships and are drawn to chaos.  You may have the inability to know, understand and manage emotions, along with a compulsion to repeat the past.
3. Secure Relationship: A willingness to love and be loved.  You’re not afraid of emotions and have a willingness to seek and accept comfort.  You can find safety in a relationship and takes responsibility for yourself.
4. The Intimacy Free Relationship:  These are those who run away from relationships or guard themselves because they are afraid of intimacy.

The fourth one is the one I’d like to talk a bit more about today.  It was the kind that Connie had.  The Intimacy Free behavior, believes that others are not reliable, dependable or trustworthy when it comes to his or her needs.  It can be so frustrating to have to be vulnerable to others when all they are going to do is fail you, so you don’t bother with seeking closeness at all.  You also go on to believe that others are not qualified to let in.  In some cases those who feel this way are extremely judgmental and look for any kind of evidence that the other person is only out to hurt them in the long run.

In most cases, those who live by this behavior, they actually want someone to trust, but because of their false sense of value, they believe no-one else would value them as well.  This also explains the lack of sympathy towards others who are in need of affection and love.  The Intimacy free person refuses to be that needy.

Those who run away from intimacy feel that emotions and tears are just a sign of weakness, and a character flaws.  They believe that everyone goes through things and we should just make the best of things because no one can be trusted.  Do you, or someone you know, feel like people should just suck it up and stop their whining and move on?

Harden Hearts to Love

Why are these hearts so hardened to relationships?  Well, let me explain something about Connie, she was never truly taught how to connect with people.  Her parents never made her feel like relationships were safe.  They made her feel as if she could be thrown away at any minute, so Connie learned to stop depending on others.  She was never taught what true love and acceptance was; so she never knew how to give it in return. 1 Cor 12:12-13, 21-23 says,

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ.   For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves^[a] or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit…  

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.”  On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,  and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty,

One of the reasons many struggle with the Christian faith is because the God we serve is relational.  Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam nor Secularism do not need others in order to accomplish their goal of enlightenment.  Christianity demands us to depend on each other and this verse is perfect for that.  To truly understand is God sees all of us as one body.  Think about the different members of your body—like verse 21 says—the eye, nor any other part of your body, can’t look at another part of the body and say it doesn’t need it.  Even if there is weakness, infections or deformities in different parts, you would never say you don’t need it.  You would strengthen the weakness, aim to heal the infection or adjust to the deformity.

Imagine what it would look like if your legs tried to do what your mouth was intended for, or if your hands tried to operate as your lungs.  Every part of you does what it is meant to do for the same goal, to take care of you.  If any operated out of its physical function, it affects you overall physically.   Just as your physical parts do what they do to care for you physically, we need our emotional parts to work right to help take care of ourselves emotionally.

Do you have a lot of do’s and don’ts because your goal in life is making sure that you are living at high performance levels without needing anyone?  “Well of course Marsha doesn’t everyone have high standards?” Or maybe you are asking, “Is it wrong to want to protect myself?  I just see where people are going to mess up, so I am keeping them all at a distance.”

Let me ask you a question.  When you fail, and you know you have and will, who is there for you to lean on for support?  Who helps you get back up and encourages you to continue forward?  We all want to have someone to cry on and to lift us up when we feel weak.  It’s in our DNA. We are built for relationships, but because of whomever hurt us however many times, we now place ourselves distant from what we were designed to do.  No one likes to be vulnerable, and who wants to be hurt by someone they are close with?  The truth is, it is going to happen, but it should never keep us from seeking the right kind of relationships needed to help build ourselves up.   Ezekiel 36:25-26 says,

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you.   And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

A Heart of Flesh

I watched God do this with Connie—who secretly wanted to have a deep relationship with someone.  When God finally got a hold of her stony heart, it was a painful process because she knew that in order to have the love she wanted, she needed to allow herself to be vulnerable, in need and weak.  It was a process that took many months but each and every time she stripped away a layer of herself and left herself in God’s hands.  Yes, she did experience hurt but she knew that loving people and allowing them to love her was better than where she was before.

Are you ready to love yourself by allowing others to love you?  Let’s go through some practical things.

1. Realize the need for others. You may think that your life is better without others but you will soon discover the pain and loneliness that accompanies unhealthy independence.
2. Be willing to drop your pride. Pride and ego keeps us from seeing the truth about life.  We think that we are our own god and we are the only ones we need to rely on but there will come a time when even the idol of self will let you down.
3. Be willing to be vulnerable a little bit at a time.

In the up coming weeks I will be addressing the other relationship styles we wrestle with.  When we have a different approach to others, we truly can love ourselves better.  If you need additional help, please feel free to email us at thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

Enough is Enough

What makes a person feel like there is time for a change?  When we are going in a particular direction, what makes us say we want to take a different path?  Well, there are a few things.  One of them is when we can not move any further in the direction we were going in.  Also, people change when something doesn’t make sense anymore or when they can’t manage a situation or issue on their own.  Have you ever gotten to that point in your life?  Last week I talked about being set free from our habits, hangups or addictions.  When these things overtake us, and it’s obvious we have no control, we get fed up and desire something different. 

So what stops us in our tracks, causing us to feel like things don’t make sense anymore or become so overwhelming that we are at our wits end?  Well, there are a lot of things, but there are three that  I want to cover.

1. One thing that pushes us to pursue a different path is when we want change for ourselves.  Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and is disgusted by what you see?  Maybe you are tired of how you allow people to dictate your joy. Perhaps you are tired of people taking advantage of you.  You could be tired of wanting people’s approval, love and acceptance so bad that you become destructive.  You could be looking at your behavior and hating the results it always yields.

2. You may change because those that love you are complaining and concerned about you.  Sometimes when we wake up one day and realize that we can’t call on anyone for help any longer, becomes a harsh wake-up call.  No one wants to do life alone, and there are times we live life alone because we don’t want to admit we are the problem.

3. Lastly, maybe God is showing up on the scene, causing us to feel like something needs to change.  God presence may expose our most uncomfortable thoughts about Him.  He will show us that we make individual decisions because we think that he was unfair in how he dealt with us.  Or maybe we felt that the one who needs to change is God.  His ways and plans were right for other people, but we may feel we’re a different case.  

Our Journey to Change

What are some things that come in between our wants to change and our move to do it?  Let’s pretend that change is a journey.  It isn’t a place that we arrive at overnight.  We have to pack up the things we need for this journey, but before even going on this trip we must do some things. Well one of them is very practical.  Sometimes our body needs healing.  We cannot go on such a rigorous journey if our body can’t handle it.  For us to change our thinking, change our habits and stop the cycle we keep finding ourselves in our body and mind must be healthy. 

For example, if you are a woman that is going through menopause, much of your thinking is challenged by changes in your body and mind.  This could be the same thing if your menstrual cycle causes a chemical imbalance.   When a woman’s body is going through such a change, she may struggle with moodiness, emotional stability, and sleep issues. 

Other examples are when someone struggles with insomnia or fatigue, your mind is exhausted, and there is a challenge in thinking through situations rationally.  You may be too tired to think straight.  Also if you are struggling with things like anxiety disorder or panic disorder than you may make some decisions that no one understands, even you.  I know you may not have heard this before, but our body needs to be relatively healthy to go on this spiritual journey of change.

Addiction of any kind can cause the journey of change to be harder than it has to be.  See when we bring the chains of addiction on the trip it stays silent for a little while but when we finally reach our destination it will infect that place as well and before we know it, we are right back where we were before.  We have to identify, honestly, what those addictions could be and then make sure that you and I decide to leave them behind.  It won’t be easy, but again, something significant has to happen for us to realize that we need to move in a new direction to get what we want.

We also have to take responsibility for our thoughts about life.  Phil 4:8.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

God put the job of watching what we think and what we focus on, up to us.  The only way we can truly embrace a new path is to stay focused on what is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent and worth praise.  All of that seems easy to do right?  Well, it can be a challenge when the people we hang out with are not honorable, or excellent.  It can challenge our dedication when the relationship we are having with the opposite sex is not pure, and there is nothing lovely about it. Changing this area of life can also be hard when the television shows, movies, and music we love, is anything but excellent, and worthy to be praised.  It’s easy to want to change, and it’s another thing to do what we must to achieve it.

It’s Time to Face the Truth

There is one thing that keeps people from arriving at this place of transformation.  It is the most critical ingredient to being set free and to walking this path successfully.  We cannot be transformed without coming face to face with the truth.  The beginning of verse Phil 4:8 says that whatever is “true” is the very first thing that we need to put our thoughts on.  Sadly, this can be the very thing that discourages us from making the journey.  

What are some truths that we need to face? Maybe we need to face the fact that we are in this horrible place because we won’t confront the things that happened to us in the past.  I know there are some that feel like the past is the past and we shouldn’t let that affect us but if that were the case then why did Jesus have to die on the cross?  He died for something that happened in the past.  He had to face the past so we could have a future and in some cases, we have to do the same thing.  

Another thing we may have to face is that our un-forgiveness has pushed us to make some destructive choices.  If you haven’t forgiven the person that betrayed, rejected, molested, abandoned, abused you, it will keep us in the same useless, destructive cycle.  We did a series on the power of forgiveness.   Click to read how un-forgiveness against yourself or un-forgiveness against God can also turn your world upside down.  We this series we learned to let ourselves and God off the hook.  

Weekly Challenge:

So where do we start the change?  To confront what needs to confronted, forgive who needs forgiving we must change our conversation with God, change our communion and change union with him.  Can you think of ways in which you talk with God that needs to be different?  What are some ways you can have a better communion with God?  Join us next week so that we can get a better view of what that will look like. For this week there are a few verses that you could meditate on to help you put your mind where it needs to be.

Psalms 40:1-2

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock

Psalms 31:1-3

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame;
    deliver me in your righteousness.
² Turn your ear to me,
    come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
    a strong fortress to save me.
³ Since you are my rock and my fortress,
    for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Psalms 9:9-10

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
    a stronghold in times of trouble.
¹⁰ Those who know your name trust in you,
    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

If you are in need of additional help, please feel free to contact us through email at thruthewinters@gmail.com where we can give you some additional resources.  Follow us on Facebook and instagram @throughthewinters.com.

What Does A Free Life Look Like

What in the world do I have to do actually to have the life that God has for me?  I am currently writing this article while overseeing my two oldest children and their 13 friends who came to hang out.  They are playing cards, will watch a movie in a little while and are just enjoying each other’s company.  It’s a room full of teenagers, and as I look at them, I know that they have their issues and many of them are here to get away from the pains of being at home.  Despite some of their situations, they continue to believe that things will change for them.  They are young, and know they will not be in their homes forever.   Eventually there will be a time to have families of their own one day.  

I wonder, when does the hope that there is more, end?  Is there a moment in which we stop expecting better for ourselves?  At what point does the year come and go and nothing has changed for us?   Many things can stem from the ruts we find ourselves in when our struggles and pains dominate our lives.  The habits, hang-ups and addictive nature we may have adopted can play a massive part in the cycles we have grown accustomed to.  I don’t care how long you have been saved, each of us has things in our life that have held us imprisoned.  Addiction, low self-esteem, bad habits, or tendencies; call it whatever you want.  Each of us have come to salvation with baggage.  What is interesting is that many can go years in salvation and never learn how to honestly find freedom or discover how to let go of the things that bind them.

What Are The Chains That Bind Us

My husband and I have witnessed so many who were surprised of the changes in their lives once past hurts, struggles and/or sins were dealt; with in a way that helped them to move forward in their salvation.  Chains that they didn’t even know existed were broken off and relief was felt from the weight of what once held them down.   That is true freedom, and it can spark a change in us but it does not come without effort from us.  

In all cases, freedom is always a choice, and spiritual freedom is no different.     There are some things that God won’t give us until we were ready to follow through on necessary changes.   We must choose to seek out what is needed in order to possess what God has for us.  His goal is always to give us a new hope and future.  To live in that promise though, we need to move by His leading.  

Take a look at your life and be honest.  Are there things that you can say you are in bondage to?  You may not have seen them as such before, but looking at them now, if you can say, “Yeah, this issue has hindered me.” to anything then the first question should be, what do I do to be set free?  

The first thing is to recognize that someone sets every trap you fall into.  In Luke 21, Jesus even tells us about it. 

34 “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap. 35 For it will come on all those who live on the face of the whole earth. 36 Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.”

 What we need to recognize is that there are things set up, in this world, that are designed for no other reason but to keep us from what God has for us.  The traps that are the most effective are those with bait.  If you want to catch something in a trap, you make sure to lure them in with enticement, temptation, and fleshly desires.  When you want to catch a rabbit, you don’t lure it in with meat or fish; you put whatever that rabbit eats as bait so that it can be captured.  It’s the same for us.  You may have heard the saying, “This world has nothing to offer you.”  That isn’t true else there wouldn’t be a temptation.  Of course, the world has what we want!  God designed us to enjoy the beauty of His creation.  It is how we handle what is offered that is key.  

Living Free Is Hard

Have you heard about prisoners who enjoyed being locked up?  According to the National Institute of Justice, about 68% of 405,000 prisoners who were released were arrested again for a new crime within three years; 77% were arrested within five years.  Why would so many of them, after being set free, choose to continue a lifestyle that would place them back into prison?  These numbers indicate to me that many who are set free, are still prisoners in their hearts and minds.  They have never found a way to live a life of freedom.  Their body was no longer in bondage; however, their mind still was.   

“Prison becomes their home and for most, the only home they’ve ever had.  Yes, there are some who had comfortable beginnings…I slowly learned that the large majority of them for the first time in their lives, had three meals a day, showers, clean clothes, a bed, books, movies, classes of what they want to study, winter/summer sports equipment and, for most, the first time to ever receive any kind of medical care, including both dentistry and optometry.” Some of us are so comfortable in our prison that we don’t know how to live free.  – Zoe Erler:  “When Prison Becomes Too Comfortable” from the Salt Lake Tribune.

Maybe you’re the person battling with severe depression, and when things get rough, you cut or mutilate yourself. Perhaps you are the one who turns to alcohol–or some substance when things get stressful to help escape from feeling like garbage.  Are you one who uses sex for an escape from feeling hopeless or as a way to feel valued?  Do you use your friendships as a source of approval and acceptance?  It may not even be that deep.  Maybe your addiction is spending, throwing yourself into work, the desire to be a success, or need to find approval.  You could also be addicted to control.  Yes, sometimes the feeling of not having control causes some to have a sense of anxiety, and they feel vulnerable and weak if others don’t see things their way.

Whether in the ways I mentioned above or in the hundreds of other forms that exist, can we ever really live a free life to the fullest as God has laid out for us while held captive by these bondages?  Life will have its frustrations, and unchecked habits and responses will lure us from trusting in God if we aren’t careful.  Even the most harmless solutions, if it is not of Him, it is a trap.

What does it look like to be chained to a habit?  One of the struggles that I had at a young age was sexual addiction.  I was exposed to pornography at a very young age, and it became the thing that I turned to when I was in pain and felt hurt.  Pornography was what I used to escape the world I was living in.  It was always there for me and not in the best way.  My addiction was never far from me no matter how much I ran from it.  It stayed close and called out to me when no one was answering my calls for help.   Sadly, every time I entertained my addiction, I convinced myself that everything would be better, but when the intoxication of it was all over, I felt disgusted, guilty and lower than when I first started. I knew this was bondage because no matter how many times I turned to it for help–hoping it would make me feel better–the results were opposite.   Regardless, I still turned to it whenever I was hurting.  I realized that the pains I felt only caused me to switch to my addiction for comfort that was only temporary and that did nothing to help me with my original problem.  

Only God Can Do It

When I gave my heart to the Lord, it took two years to break the stronghold.  I had to learn a few things, and I want to share them with you,

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me (Jesus),

because he has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to set the oppressed free,”

-Luke 4:18.

As humbling as this may sound, only Jesus has the ability to set you free—you cannot do it on your own—no matter how small you think the stronghold is.  Over two thousand years ago, Jesus died on a cross for every single bondage that could ever ensnare us.  He allowed Himself to endure the same imprisonment we face when we feel trapped, but there is one difference; He has obtained the keys that unlock every spiritual, emotional and mental prison we may be in, and He brings with Him hope.

How do we get this access to these keys?  Well, when we go to God and ask Jesus Christ to live in our hearts and lives, we are not only given a new heart, new hope and new future…we are also given the keys to help set us free from every trap we may fall into.  So why do we still feel trapped at times?  It’s simple, He has provided the keys, but it is up to us to learn how to use them.  Each “lock” that binds us is different.  They require work and effort on our part in order to turn the key the right way.  

Even still some have received the key, they have unlocked the door, but they never walked out of the cage.  There are those who do not find freedom not because they don’t know how, but only because they are too scared to let go of their prison.  It’s all they know and where they feel safe, much like those prisoners Mr. Erler described.  It is up to us to decide how badly we want to be free.  It is on us to seek after the Lord and His ways, to learn how to trust our lives, past – present and future, into His hands.  And it is also on us to walk through the doors of the prisons we are in and find true freedom.  

Weekly Challenge:

I don’t know where you are mentally and emotionally but maybe there is something that is something that is keeping you bound. The New Year is right around the corner.  What do you need to do in order to have a better tomorrow?  You don’t have to do it alone.  Contact us at thruthewinters@gmail.com.  We would love to give you additional resources.  Follow us on instagram@throughthewinters.com.   Also Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones.

Trashing the New

It is possible that we can have such a wasteful mentality that we trash brand new things?  Moving from the Bronx to Long Island over 10 years was such a culture shock but in the best way.  When I first move here the people were, and still are, very generous.  It was overwhelming at times because I didn’t know how to process it.  Being a young mother with four small children, the church made sure that I was never in need.  One day after running errands with my family we walked to our back porch to find 2 HUGE garbage bags of baby clothes for my 2 littlest ones.  Now you may be thinking that these were slightly used items but to my absolute surprise, over 60% of the clothes had never been worn and still had their tags on them.  After sorting everything out, both my little ones, (my son and daughter) had clothes for the next 3 years.  The idea that someone would have so many new items for their baby and never use them was so bizarre to me.  I was grateful, but it was still bizarre. But the truth is that we are a nation that throw away many thing that we never use.  Many new things go in the trash.

This may appear as a weird question, but is there something new that you get all the time that you overlook, or feel is useless; so you waste it?  As we are entering into our New Year, there may still be some things that have to be taken out of our spiritual garbage can–things that we just don’t think we need so we put it in the trash.  Many of us have gotten rid of the “new” spiritual things in our lives and have taken them for granted.    Well, living more than 15,000 days, I have received something every single day.  There were times I used it for what it was meant to be used for and there were times I just threw it in the garbage.  But before I reveal what “it” is, let me tell you of how it changed my life first.

I received this thing every day when I felt like I was lower than dirt.  It kept me from prostituting myself to men, saved me from entering into an abusive marriage and kept me from destroying my children’s lives with my dysfunction.  The power that this thing wielded keeps me from having the expected mental disorders that I should posses as a result of my abuse.

Waking Up To A New Slate

Any guesses on what this could possibly be?  Have you figured out yet?  It’s not strength, willpower or luck.  It’s found in Lamentations 3:22-23,

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;^[b]
    his mercies never come to an end;
²³ they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

 What is your definition of mercy?  The dictionary says that, mercy is when someone shows “compassion, forgiveness toward someone who it is within one’s power to punish or harm.”  So basically, instead of punishing and harming a person who I feel absolutely deserves it, I choose to show compassion and forgiveness.

I understood this scripture better when I had children… oh man, did I understand this (sigh)!!  My two younger ones can be a handful when they are together so I find myself at times scratching the walls to relieve stress. There were quite a few occasions when bedtime would come and at that exact moment my kids wanted to test my patience.  Man, did they regret that!  They would provide a variety of ways to try and provoke my anger. From fighting with each other, to fooling around when it was time to go to sleep–they would try to see how far they could go before I stormed upstairs to lay the fivefold ministries on their blessed assurance… if you know what I mean.  The hard part for me wasn’t the discipline before bed, it was waking up the next morning without holding a grudge.  I did everything I could to make sure that if my kids were ever disciplined the day before, I wouldn’t begin shaming them or reminding them of the wrong they did the following morning.  God spoke to me very early about my parenting and told me, “I give you new mercies every morning, you must show the same amount of mercy to your children.”  My kids grew to enjoy the next morning even if they had a rough yesterday.  Sam and I try to make sure that they feel like the slate is wiped clean when the sun rises.

Living in Pain with Mercy

So, how should one understand God’s mercy, as his child?  When I take a look at the natural definition of this word, I feel like God is saying to us every single morning, “I chose to put aside what you did the day before.  Now let’s start brand new today.”

My testimony began at a young age, where I made a conscious decision to reject God and all he had to offer me.  It was clear that I rebelled against him. I disregarded the mercy I was given the day before and did what I wanted with no plans on stopping.  Even though I was a child I treated the mercy he gave me like it was garbage.  I could careless if he forgave me for my sin, I wanted nothing to do with him because I felt like I was already living in his punishment.  Little did I know that even in my deepest hurt and pain I was still living in his mercy.  He was having compassion on me when I deserved absolute punishment and harm because of my choices.

Let’s look at Lamentations 3:22-24 some more,

²² Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

Why does God give us mercies when we deserve punishment?  My Heavenly Father sees my hurt over my behavior.  I spent a small season rejecting God but he knew my rejection was stemmed from my affliction and hurt.  The awesome thing about this verse is that it confirms what we talked about last week concerning suffering increasing our hope.  When we are in emotional pain and our failures come to our mind, we don’t have to give up because we have hope.  To the average person this is the most ridiculous concept.  But like we spoke about last week, suffering causes us to hope in God.  Where suffering and afflictions we face normally should consume us, God’s mercy keeps us from being swept away.  It is because of this mercy that we trust in him.

You may have a hard time admitting this, if this is you, but think about the darkest time of your life… Did you feel that God was gone?  Did you think that God left you?  Did you ask God where he was?  Think of that moment as I tell you this…

…As dark as you think your life was at that time, God’s mercies kept you from experiencing complete darkness.

It is hard to comprehend that our darkest moments in life were still shadowed by God’s mercy every single day during those seasons.  However, this is why we can say “Great is Your faithfulness” when we are at our lowest.  His mercy is not contingent on our behavior, obedience or even our victories.  He gives it because he knows that we can’t survive without it.  It is air to our lungs, the food to our bellies, and the coverage over our nakedness.

If you spat at God’s mercy at any point this past year, if you can admit that you took it for granted and threw it away, I want to encourage you to take your “new” mercy out of the garbage and receive God as your portion.  Embracing it will allow you to move forward and grow closer to him spiritually.

If you need help feel free to contact me.  Also if you would like to hear more about my testimony read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free!
You can also buy the full book on Amazon!  If you need additional help, please feel free to comment below or email us at thruthewinters@gmail.com.  Before you leave please listen to this beautiful reminder of God’s goodness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eQ1oal44wU

What Is Wrong With My Hope?

Is it possible that hope can be just as dangerous as not hoping? Last week on the blog we started a month of self-evaluation for 2019. We are at the end of the year and there are a few things that we have to look at.  This week I’d like to spend some time on the question “Where does our hope lie?” To do that, I would like to do more of a devotional as opposed to me sharing my thoughts.  When you hear the word “hope” what do you think about? The definition of hope is as follows: An expectation, a desire, an ambition for something. What is dangerous about expecting?  My friend and I were talking one day and I started encouraging him to start thinking about somethings they could hope for, for the future and they objected.  With respect they said, “Hope is dangerous.”  I knew that he meant, to hope means that you muster up energy to work towards something better than what you have.  Hoping in something (again) means sacrificing something like, time, energy, money and even reputation. To put some, maybe even all of that again on something that may not work.

Take the time to think of what you were hoping for in 2019. Has there ever been a time that you had great expectations for something and you ended your year empty handed? I know there were times where I began my year hopeful and ended it feeling hopeless.  For several years I was in deep debt because of Realestate fraud that my home was taken from me and soon my car was repossessed.  I trusted in people that had no business getting my trust and I paid for it.  There were times that I was not sure how I was going to give my small children dinner.  Our fridge was regularly empty, our phone was shut off time and time again, our electricity and heat was almost shut off but I was begging them to keep it on in the winter and if I didn’t have a newborn and a two year old, they would have cut it off.  Sam was doing the very best he could to provide for us but we could never get ahead of the game.

Almost every year I was hoping that this was the last year of living in poverty.  I prayed and believed that God would come to my rescue and pay everything off so that I could buy myself a pair of shoes because the ones I had were worn.  I wanted Joey to go in the fridge and have all that he needed.  I didn’t want the kids to always have to wear other’s hand-me-downs in order to have cloths.  That didn’t happen.

One day I was weeping on my bed and I had given up.  I was done.  I just started to give up on my hope for a better life because this was going to be my forever so I thought,  At that very moment a friend called me and said, “I felt like God told me to call you.  He said ‘Do not give up.  Keep hoping in him.'”  There was more of a weight to keep believing then to just give up.   I want us to really chew on scripture today so let’s start. Turn to Romans 5:1-5,

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  …we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

When I came across this verse almost 21 years ago, I was stricken with the words, “Hope does not put us to shame.” How can that be true when I have hoped for much but came to the end of my year and received nothing? I was tired of having great expectations and not receiving what I so wanted. So let’s look at these verses to see where I was going wrong and maybe how you maybe going wrong as well; and keep from making those mistakes. In these verses we find 5 key ingredients to have hope that doesn’t leave us ashamed and embarrassed.

1. Rejoice in our suffering. Marsha you are crazy!! Do you know what I’ve gone through? Do you know where I have been? Do you know what I’ve lost? How can God actually ask me to “rejoice”, be glad, even have joy in my suffering? Marsha I’m tired and you want me to rejoice? My answer is “yes” because guess what…

“This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

My friend, joy is a weapon to be wielded in a season of suffering because when you learn to rejoice, it will give you the strength to endure a season of waiting. Sadly, that’s why people struggle the most in their time of suffering. These articles are not being read by people who are crying about petty, meaningless issues. I am not here to mentor wimpy, whiny babies who feel like it’s unfair that they didn’t get promoted or they’re upset because their kid didn’t get invited to the latest birthday party. I’m talking to people who have faced serious moments when they didn’t think they were going to make it. I’m talking to people who need hope to stay alive one more day and push to the next level. God needs you to find the strength to find joy in Him.

God Keeps His Promises

2. Suffering is the one thing Jesus promised we would have. Did you know that?  (I know this doesn’t sound like it’s getting any better but stay with me.). God never promised perfect health, whole hearts, big bank accounts, the salvation of every single loved one, or even good fortune at every corner. He promised us that we will all suffer at some point of our lives. I am not saying we are to seek suffering or curse a life of pure prosperity either — let’s not get crazy. But I’m saying that when we are in a time of suffering that we did nothing to warrant it, we have to trust God for His provisions through that time.

Every spring I know that summer is coming because when I go to different places in my neighborhood there is a stench of manure dumped on new plants. Plants need soil, water, sunlight, and to really strengthen them the gardener will use… fertilizer, poop. Do you feel like someone pooped on you?   Do you feel like everything around you is poop?  Well you probably have been pooped on because you know that this season stinks. God is going to take that and strengthen you if you’ll put your hope in him. God allows suffering for one reason… suffering produces endurance.

3. Endurance is the stuff that makes a soldier hard to beat. You can be strong, you can be smart, talented, skilled in many things but if you do not have any endurance the enemy can and will wear you down. Look at what 2 Timothy 2:3,

You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. ⁴ No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier.

I have said this before and it’s worth saying again, Through the Winters Ministry is not here to raise more victims. It’s easy to take on the victim mentality but it takes a strong person to go from a victim to a victor. God is calling us to endure the suffering like a good soldier. I think I said it before that I love the recent Captain America Movies. My favorite scene is before Captain America becomes this superhero. I love it when he is just a short, skinny, weak Steve Rogers. Before he becomes a superhero physically, he was a superhero at heart. He fought bullies and refused to run away. He stood up for others and was willing to put himself on the line for his fellow soldiers. He was laughed at, ridiculed and underestimated because of his size, but he endured because he knew he was made for more. My fellow soldier, yes, you may have gone through times of hurt, pain, ridicule, bullying, manipulation… but God is asking you to endure because guess what…

Hope Makes Me The Perfect Soldier

4. This endurance produces character. This character in you, no talent or skill can produce on it’s own. You see, skills and talent may get you to a certain point in life, but it’s your character that will keep you there. When we gave our hearts to God we were broken individuals that learned some really bad ways of getting through. We trusted in ourselves. We picked up so many bad habits that God takes our endurance (which may have started off as stubbornness) as a chance to create some new character in us that voids out behaviors we started off with. We may have started off selfish, but we become more God-centered. We start off self-centered and we become more love-centered. We may come into our season with bitterness but leave with a larger understanding of God’s mercy.

5. Lastly, rejoicing in God keeps us from tapping out.  When we learn to find strength to rejoice in our suffering, we become a stronger soldier who refuses to give up on God. We trust him to make us more in his image by helping us build God centered character which gives us hope…the kind of hope that won’t make us ashamed. We have to take our hope out of the trash and allow God to give us the kind of hope that will never fail us. Not the kind of hope that keeps us depending on things that will fail us. Hope that will show us what kind of amazing God we are serving!

The day that friend called me, I took a deep breath, wiped the tears out of my eyes and knew that I had my eyes on the wrong things. I tightened my belt, and allowed God to show me where my hope needed to be centered in.  God showed me many areas I needed to change in order to get out of the hole I was in.  Today I am not where I was.  My fridge shelves have broken under the weight of the amount of food God has blessed my family with.  It did not happen over night but as I continued to hope in God I saw glimmers of hope every single day.

Have you trashed your hope because you feel it hasn’t gotten you anywhere? Well, take the time to think about where your hope lies. Do you see hope the same way God does? There are only a few weeks left in this year. Take your hope out of the trash, start afresh and a new. If you need any help, please email me at thruthewinters@gmail.com, if you are not comfortable commenting below.  We love hearing from our readers.