De-Cluttering

Have you ever gotten so fed up of the clutter in your house that you just started throwing things just to find out that you threw out something valuable?  I can’t stand clutter or my space being occupied by meaningless items. In the 21 years that Sam and I have been married, my husband has had a hard time throwing things out. I have had to go through our house and throw out broken, unused items–that were being treasured like the first time it was purchased. One day in my haste to get things more organized, I started throwing away papers, wires, and other meaningless items out of annoyance.  Then a few days later my husband asked for a set of papers that he needed to give into work to cover the spending he had made over the months…(UGGHHHH).  I did not, in any way shape or form want to admit that I actually threw it away.  Sadly I had to go diving into garbage to get his forms.  Sometimes in your haste for better you throw away the things that you really need.

What thoughts are cluttering your mind?  In the last few months we have been talking about things like loss and grief, depression and suicide.  Anxiety and panic attacks is becoming the new normal as fear of holding up to the weight of expectation from everyone around us.   When we live in this world where death is right around the corner for everyone of any age, no one has an identity because it is taken from them, everyone has been abused in some way shape and form, you start to wonder where is God.  Like me, sometimes we want to declutter our minds from anxiety, fear and pain that we throw away our trust in God and everything that he has promised to all of us who truly believe in him.

Trashing My Trust

Does trusting in God make things easier? I remember the one year that I trashed my confidence, my certainty… my TRUST. I thought about how trusting in God was just making life worse for me, so I thought. When you are trusting in God there is no room for anything else. The truth was, I was telling myself I was putting my trust in him but I wasn’t. I was trusting in my money. I was trusting in my husband. I was trusting in my friends. I was trusting in myself. I lied to myself and to others. I claimed that I was trusting in God because that’s what I was suppose to do, but when every thing was stripped away, I was really trusting in these earthly things and then blaming God when everything failed.

I remember the day I realized I had no other choice but to give God everything because I had no real control.  I had the unfortunate experience of living the last 4 years of my teenage years without a father.  My father was abusive and cruel but my pain was not in losing my father but watching my mother live without a husband.  When my father past away there were many nights where my mother would ask my brother and I to just come in the room and keep her company.  She was no use to being away from my father and the void in her room after work was too much for her.  My brother and I would sit with her many nights, and even sleep in the bed with her so she wouldn’t have to be alone.  Many nights I watched her do life with tears in her eyes.  I hated him but she loved him and even though she was alive, she was not living.  It was then that I started fearing falling in love and then losing my husband to death.  Anyone whose experienced this kind of grief and loss would run from it at all cost.

After several years of being with my husband I realized that my fear of losing him was starting to eat me alive.  I was calling him over and over again when he was away from home as well as giving him attitude when he was late.  I would fight and nip at him because my fear was consuming me while he was gone.  God intervened when he gave me a dream that Sam had past away.  The dream was so real to me and to my horror it just kept looped over and over again.  As I was sleeping my pillow was drenched in tears because I was weeping in my sleep as I was stuck in this dream.  Thank God I woke up and my husband was right next to me.  When I felt his body against me I turned around and cried bitterly in his back.  He was unaware of what was going on as I buried my face and held him as tight as I could.  After several minutes he turned around and comforted me but there was no comforting me.  It was then that I realized that God was showing me how my fear was consuming me.  God was trying to get me to trust him but there was so much at risk.

You Want ALL of It God???

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Why is this very scary for someone like me? God wanted ALL my trust. There is no room for me to lean on myself. I couldn’t dare depend on my own understanding of life because I did not know the future.  God was demanding for more than I think I could possibly give him but I knew I needed to give up on depending on myself.  When I finally gave up then God needed me to give him “some” of my ways? NOPE, God wanted ALL my ways to be submitted to him. You know why Christianity is so hard for people? Because God is an ALL in or nothing kind of God. He doesn’t want half of anything and we are so uncomfortable with that demand from him. We have been told, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” but God challenges that way of thinking every single day and it AGGRAVATES US!!!! (UUGGGHH) Why can’t I have a little insurance just in case he doesn’t come through on his end? Well, my dear friend, that’s the meaning of trust, isn’t it? We have to let God be our basket and we put all our hopes and dreams in him.

Anyway, I refused to accept that! I was not going to do that!! Trusting God just meant vulnerability and I was too scared of being hurt.  So you know what happened? My walk was crooked. I was confused, angry, guarded and skeptical of everything. When I finally wore myself out emotionally and physically, I took my trust out of the garbage. I brushed it off and revisited the promises God spoke to me after that dream. I took the time to see where I was disobedient and how it contributed to missing my own mark. I was at fault, guys. My trust in God didn’t fail because I never really trusted him. In my hope to mask my lack of trust, I made it seem as if I did trust.

After I was honest with myself and with God, my confidence in my relationship with husband came back. I admitted my wrong to him and started on that straight and narrow road to God and his promises. It can be the same for you. In this month we are going to de-clutter our mind, but also take those things out of the trash that we thought were useless.

Have you thrown away your trust? Are you where I was in some areas of your life? Are you afraid of losing something or having something taken from you so you rely on your own ways of doing things to keep it?  Well, take the time to see if there are some areas that you aren’t giving to God.

One of my favorite Psalms is Psalms 37:3-7. Here is some of it.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

This verse challenges us in six different ways that goes along with trusting him.

1. Take delight in God.  When we delight in God our desires mirror his and will give us more than we could ever imagine.  We start to want what he wants and before we know it he gives us the desires of our hearts.
2. Commit all your ways to God.  That means that before you make a decision, you go to God and let him show you the path you need to take.
3. Learn to be still and learn patience.  This can be the hardest thing for us.  When we have been our god in our lives, when we rely on our power, resources and knowledge.  But canceling our plans and being still for a moment and waiting as long as we need to for God’s instructions can be a struggle.
4. Keep your eyes on God.  These verses say something that needs to be remembered, do not fret when people succeed in their ways.  Sometimes when we see other people succeeding in doing things their way, we are tempted to do the same but God is calling you to something different.

If you would like to hear more about my testimony read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free!  You can also buy the full book on Amazon!  Please comment below or contact us through email if you need additional help at thruthewinters@gmail.com.

Is God Mad When I Feel Suicidal

What does God think about suicidal thoughts or the very act of suicide?  Who else plays a part in my thoughts of killing myself?   Growing up I was always taught that once you kill yourself that, that’s it you go straight to hell because you didn’t give God a chance to fix your issues.  I also heard that God would be mad at us because if we took our lives in our own hands because they are not truly ours to take. When I started working towards my degree in counseling my heart melted as I began learning about mental health.  Depression, anxiety, panic and PTSD is not something that can be easy to live with and there are some that are plagued with it every day. Can you imagine being bombarded with paralyzing fear, voices, social anxiety, panic and anxiety attacks that mirror a massive heart attack and to top it off sleepless nights that leave you tired and with headaches so bad it feels like someone is squeezing your brain. Those that battle in their mind is not something that can be taken light

I think one of the best messages my pastor preached was on the topic of suicide.  He started with some of these questions and went on to talk about the time he heard it questioned if suicide was the unforgivable sin.  There seems to be certain rules, doctrines and thinking that we have formed about God that is not biblically sound.  In the book of Proverbs it says that a righteous man falls seven times.  This means that even if you love God and try to do things perfectly, there will be times when a righteous man will make a mistake.  So what if that man got news that made them feel like they couldn’t go on anymore and in the moment took their life.  Will God look at them and send them to hell?  It’s hard for my mind to wrap my mind around that.  Now I am going to say this right now, even though no verse in the Bible says suicide equals hell but that does not mean we should make the plans for self-destruction.  I don’t want the take away to be that but to be that God is a forgiving, understanding God that wants to heal and bring hope to all of us.

Hey, God Understands

So let’s start asking ourselves why God understands that suicide is on the rise. 2 Timothy 3:1-7 is one of the perfect answers for these questions.

… But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,  heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,  having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.  For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth.

In these seven verses, you will see that God lets us know that the hearts of men will continue to grow crude, reckless and without judgment. The sad truth is that the ones being affected aren’t just those wild, out of control wicked people but the innocent will have to succumb to their brutality. These people that are being abusive, heartless, slanderous, brutal, reckless, and praying on women, have families, friends, and a community they are doing this to. How does a child handle their parent being heartless and brutal them when they need them the most? How does a wife handle that her husband is abusive, slanderous and praying on another woman? Now I want you to understand that God is not saying some are going to do endure this but the verse is saying that there will be a time of difficulty…he does not specify for who because there is no one that will not be a victim in this era. So depression, anxiety, worrying, and suicidal thoughts would be natural and reasonable for these times.

Lastly, there is another reason for why God is not surprised by many of us struggling for hope. Yes we have people that are causing us a lot of pain, we have had loss, we have been rejected, we are battling with mental issues but there is one more ingredient to our sadness.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…  – John 10:10a

If we believe that there is a God we have to believe that there is an enemy. This verse says a lot. The enemy comes on the scene to do three things, steal that’s obvious but he also comes to kill us and destroy us.  Are there things in your life you feel were taken from you?  It could be a person, it could be your finances.  Could it also be that he has stolen your joy, your feeling of being safe or understood, your sense of acceptance and your peace?  The second thing on his list is to kill something in you.  Not only does he want you to kill yourself but he wants to kill your dreams, hope, and any desire for a better tomorrow. Is there a part of you that you feel is just dead?  Lastly, whatever he can’t steal whatever he can’t kill he comes to destroy.  Do you believe that the circumstances of life has had so much pressure on you, that it made you think your mind was destroyed?  Well let me share one more thing about this verse…it’s not complete.  The remainder of the verse says…

Jesus Changes Everything

…I (Jesus) came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Even though this world is imploding and many are turning against themselves–abusing and hurting each other–hope isn’t gone.  Even though there is an enemy who is trying to kill, steal and destroy everything you possess, Jesus said that he came to give life. So where you may feel like there is no life or anything to live for, Jesus came to revive what may be dead or dying.  He came to bring life back into relationships, your finances, your mind, and your future.  He not only said that he wants to just give it, but he want to do it in abundance; meaning that it is more than what you even need.  He will restore your mind, your joy, and peace.

I know that when we are at the end of our rope, hearing this is more discouraging than encouraging. You want a quick solution. You are tired of tired and can’t wait any longer. I want push you on to think deeper.

1. It’s time to talk to someone.  Don’t make hints at it but actually, tell someone that you are seriously thinking of killing yourself.  This loved one or friend needs to be someone that can and will be willing to getting you help.  You need it.

2. You need to be willing to see someone professionally.

3. Be patient.  Give your healing twice as much time to go away as it did to come on.  If you’ve been battling with suicidal thoughts for months double that for healing.

Let’s Pray

God right now thank you very much for my friend.  There is so much going on in this world that we feel like we can’t go on any more.  There is no way that we can keep going without you.  Please step into my friend’s situation.  I pray that you would show them the areas that the thief has stolen things from them, show them the things the enemy has tried to kill and show them the areas that the enemy has tried to destroy.  Give them the reassurance that you can restore and renew many things and relationships.  I pray that you will give them the strength to get help and support.  God remind them that they are not alone and bring the right people in their life that to bring them to that place for healing.  I thank you God for all you’ve done and that you are going to do, in Jesus name Amen.

No one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email at thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

Tasting Hope

It was the last day of a six-day teen camp when the teens were assembling for their traditional prayer-walk.  In this prayer-walk the teens were going to go to different parts of the camp to address things like, insecurities, un-forgiveness, sin and much more.  As the teens broke up into different groups, the atmosphere changed, and the air just seemed thicker.  I walked by one of the counselors who was talking to one girl who seemed to be crying bitterly.  The crying was not like a crying I had ever heard before.  What started off as crying turned to weeping and it was echoing all over the 100+ acres of this camp.  I mouthed to the counselor if she could handle what was going on or if she needed me to come in.  She hesitated but felt she could deal with this young girl’s issue.

Several minutes went by and before I knew it, the weeping turned into uncontrollable sobbing. The counselor sought me out and with pain in my heart I longed to see what was devastating this broken child.  Janelle, a beautiful 14 year old, opened up to me after a few minutes about the loss of her father eight years ago.  This father made her feel like a princess, buying her little things to make her feel special and giving her a feeling of safety.  After he passed, her mother left her, her and her siblings were placed in Janelle’s aunt and cousin’s home.  Her older sister ran away from home and Janelle’s cousins started bullying her.

These six days at camp were some of the best moments since her father’s passing.  She didn’t have to worry about being bullied or even the loss of her father but the truth of her having to return to that environment brought her grief and it was worse than what it was before she came to the camp.  After talking to Janelle, I was blunt and asked her when she as planning to kill herself.  Without really blinking, she said she was planning to kill herself when she got home.  I was shocked but tried not to show any disturbance.  I was able to bring her comfort and our talk gave her a little bit more hope.

In the morning my stomach was in knots because I was convinced that this young lady was not done feeling hopeless and that this young lady was still in danger.  Well, I needed to do something but before I tell you what I did, let me go over what some of the signs of suicide are that I shared last week.

Don’t Be Embarrassed

There are two main characteristics of those that struggle with suicide.  One is anger: they have history of violence, rage, they have hurt people physically, verbally or they may have anger, but they suppress it and express it privately by throwing things, breaking things, or journaling angry thoughts.  The second is that they are hopeless and depressed: obsesses over worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, loved ones can’t really reason with them, sporadic crying, get emotional very easily, can’t sleep, and loss of interest in the things that they once enjoyed.

Last week, we also talked about how loss of different things can make it feel like suicide is the best way out of grief and loss.  Some of the losses were losing a loved one, losing relationship with someone—a boyfriend, finance, spouse, or family member—financial loss, and the loss of health.  First, I want to tell you that anyone who experiences these kinds of circumstances would be vulnerable to these debilitating thoughts.  You are not alone.  What you are going through—and the thoughts that follow—are understandable.  I need you to know that before we go on; you do not need to end your life to get relief.  There are some things that you can do to get free so let’s talk about it.  There is one thing I need you not to do, don’t assume you’ve done everything you can.  Can we do that?  Okay, let’s continue on.

This is a very embarrassing time for you, I know.  No one wants to be in this situation and for that reason I know you have kept these thoughts of suicide to yourself as Janelle did.  It’s time to open up to someone you trust.  Talking about suicide does not make you more inclined to do it. It’s when you hide your thoughts and keep them a secret that they eat you up.  Not having someone to call when the thoughts get bad can reaffirm the feeling that no one cares, and no one loves you.  Along with opening up to someone you love, you need to seek counseling.  At the end of every article this month, we will be giving a link to Bedrock Ministries, a biblical therapy ministry that can be there for you in this difficult time.  They can skype the calls which may make it a little easier cause you pick your own setting to speak in as opposed to going into a strange office and talking.  If you have a therapist or counselor in mind, please reach out to them immediately.

You Have to Fight Hopelessness

Janelle opened up to me the night before we left camp and I talked with her, but I didn’t give her real help until the morning.  I woke up, like I said, with knots in my stomach because I knew this girl was serious and I did nothing but listen.  That morning I found the directors of the camp and told them that I believe that Janelle was serious about committing suicide when she goes home. They brought her in to their office with me and within a matter of minutes she started weeping. This 14 year old told them the same thing she told me, but she admitted that months ago she cut her wrist in attempt to kill herself and was admitted to a hospital.  We called her aunt who was so loving and heartbroken as she heard for herself that her niece was making plans to leave this world. Janelle was ashamed and didn’t want to hurt her aunt, but it was important to get Janelle the help she needed.  Before we put Janelle on that bus to go home there was a plan set up for her, mentorship, accountability and therapy.  Therapy is needed in order to really help us get through moments like this.

Now before you start therapy, you need to be willing to do the work.  There is no way hopelessness walks away from you just because you start talking about it.  There is work that needs to be done.  You have to continue to fight. You are a fighter.  I know, I know, you’re thinking, “I am no fighter.”  You are, because there is no way you could still be here if you weren’t fighting.  You will have to do more work.  You may need to remove things that contribute to your sadness.  Also, it may be necessary for you to go to the doctor and see if any medication or chemical imbalances may be contributing to your sadness.

Before you make progress, I think there needs to be some challenging questions that you need to ask yourself.  One of them is, what is your world view on life?  You may be thinking, “What in the world are you talking about Marsha?  What does my worldview have to do with me wanting to escape this life I am living in right now?”  A lot, believe it or not.  Your interpretation of how you came into this world, your purpose on this earth, how valuable your life is, compared to other living creatures, and where you go after life is what may make you feel like you are alone, have no purpose and have no place in this world.  If you have convinced yourself that you are an accident—no one really wanted you here—than you think leaving this world wouldn’t mean anything to anyone.  If you think you’re a mistake, then you won’t see anything you do as meaningful. You won’t think you have a purpose. “How can I have a purpose when all of this garbage is coming my way?”  Well just as much as you have a God that wants you to know you are loved and there is a reason for your life, there is a force that is fighting against you to keep you drunk on your sorrow and grief.  I don’t know your purpose, but I don’t have to; God did not create anything by accident and without purpose including you.

Lastly, your worldview will determine how you see the life you would have after this one.  Do you truly believe there is life after death?  There are many religions that have their interpretation of life after death but Christianity holds strong that there is a Heaven but there is also a hell.  No one truly has a grasp of what either is like.  I do have to say that as a believer of the Bible, I am inclined to trust that if Heaven is real, so is hell and if I leave this world—before God intended me to—I take the chance that I am starting my eternity in a place that makes my earthly suffering look like the best day I could ever spend on Sesame Street.  I am not taking your circumstances lightly, but I am promising you that killing yourself may place you into a life that is worse than what you are experiencing right now.

What Does God Say

What is the remedy for the sorrow and hopelessness we are carrying?  There is a God in Heaven who has sacrificed everything—his Son Jesus—so that he can be there for you during times like these. When we trust in God and his Son Jesus, we have a chance at a life that is better than what we see right now.

 “He trusts in the Lord; let him deliver him; let him rescue him, for he delights in him!”  Yet you are he who took me from the womb; you made me trust you at my mother’s breasts.   On you was I cast from my birth, and from my mother’s womb you have been my God.   Be not far from me, for trouble is near, and there is none to help.    Psalms 22:8-11

This portion of scripture is a good reminder that whether we know it or not, we needed to trust in God from the moment we were born.  His love towards us and his dedication was not determined by our response towards him.  God knows we needed him from birth and hasn’t left us. Now as trouble is chasing you and I, we have a choice to put our hope in God or take things into our own hands.

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.   And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.                                                                                                                             Psalms 9:9-10

This verse is a great reminder to us that God is a stronghold—a place that has been fortified to protect against attack—and we can feel safe in his hands.

No one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email at thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

**The information in this article can be found in “Caring For People God’s Way.”

Robin Williams: The Fall of a Legend

How could the funniest, most successful, talented man, commit suicide by hanging himself at the age of 63? In 1993 Robin Williams came out with, what some thought, was the funniest movie he had ever done, “Mrs. Doubtfire.” His acting, his humor, and his talent was like none before. He was well known for his role in the show “Mork and Mindy”, as the voice of the Genie in Disney’s “Aladdin”, and for his work in movies like “Patch Adams”, “Good Morning Vietnam”, and much much more. He was voted as one of the funniest men of all time. Despite what we, the public saw, Robin was suffering from depression, Lewy Dementia and early signs of Parkinson’s Disease. Some think it was just his depression that drove him to hang himself, but it was so much more. Robin was losing so much, and according to his wife, he was deteriorating before her eyes. Click to read the article.

I wonder if Robin gave any signs to his loved ones that he didn’t want to be here anymore. You see 75-80% of people who are suicidal will somehow communicate it and give clues but because they don’t feel heard, they confirm that no one cares so they make a suicide attempt. (pg. 335).

Have you gotten to that point yet? Are you dropping clues that no one is picked up? Not being heard can be a very lonely feeling. I’d like to propose to you though that at times it may not be that others don’t care, but that they just don’t recognize the message you are trying to send. Either way, suicide does not solve the issue. I want to go through some things and see if you relate to some of these questions. If you do…do not worry. It’s totally okay. You are continuing to read because you want help. You want to get rid of this hopelessness and this is a step—a big one.

What Are Some Signs the You Have Given Up

Okay, there are a number of attributes that you can find in someone who is struggling with the thoughts of ending their life. I want to list two here and though they are common they are most certainly not the only possibilities.

ANGER: Surprisingly, it is one of the main emotions you can find in someone struggling with suicide.

• Do you have a history of violence?
• Are you impulsive when you get angry?
• Do you hurt people, or get into constant fights (physically or verbally)? (pg.347) 
• Do you suppress your anger because you don’t want people to see that side of you, so you wait until you’re by yourself and let it out? If so, is it by throwing things, breaking things, and/or writing out angry thoughts in a journal?

The list of displays of anger can continue but most causes of one’s anger are founded on hurt. Something has violated or afflicted you causing a feeling of hurt that has led to anger. Now, anger in its self is not a bad thing. It is a rational emotion one feels when wrong is done. However, anger that is held on to for a long period of time and that escalates to erratic behavior that has now become something else entirely.

Depression: Though it takes a different path than anger, depression can also lead one to the thoughts of suicide. In case you are not sure if you have may suffer from depression check out this link to one of our previous articles. (Link)

• Do you obsess over thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness, and feelings of being helpless?
• Do your loved ones have a hard time reasoning with you or feel disconnected?
• Do you cry or get emotional very easily?
• Do you struggle with getting a good night’s sleep often?
• Have you lost interest in the things you use to love? (pg. 348)

Depression can at times be very sneaky. These questions listed above can relate to just about anyone. If you have said yes to 3 or more of them, you could possibly have the makings of suicidal thoughts.

How Did We Get Here

So why does one get to this place of wanting to end their life? Well, there are so many possible reasons and only you can answer your own reason. Let’s look at some things that may have gotten you to this place. Now, remember it’s just you and me so there is no reason to be embarrassed.

Has there been any great loss or death in your life? Check out our article on grief and loss. Click to read the article.  In it we spoke about the loss being anything—and I would ask that you not minimize your loss. It could be a person—spouse, child, a pet, parent, friend, job, the feeling of financial safety; all of these things fall under loss. You could have broken up with a fiancée or best friend. I first want to validate your feelings. You may convince yourself somethings are too dumb to be worried about but these are emotions that erupt that are completely justified.

Financial loss may not be the same as a physical one, but it is a loss just the same. If you were living a life in financial safety or decently comfortable, then it was taken away, this can send anyone into a spiral of fear, anxiety, and worry. Even more, if you have a family and can’t provide for them, that kind of loss can be crippling emotionally and mentally. Men possess a natural instinct to be providers. Losing their job can make them feel like they are lacking something or even failure because of the inability to provide for the family. They can begin to feel inadequate and useless. In my article on loss and grief, I shared the story of a friend who lost his job and lost his confidence as well. Due to his termination, he made a suicide attempt that was almost successful. Financial loss is not just the absence of funds but the presence of fear, anxiety and worry.

The loss of health is huge as we read with Robin Williams. Have you been declining physically and it is wearing on you mentally? One of the hardest things to experience is when you are always in pain, tired, and can’t engage in your normal activities. Maybe you were given a diagnosis that was not too favorable and all you can think about is the future deterioration coming or the medication that will make you less of who you are right now. It is too much to think about.

Many get consumed with the same thoughts that Williams may have had to endure. His success put him in the limelight as an example of achievement and even a role model for actors and comedians and with the world watching his every mood, how could he truly feel comfortable deteriorating before everyone? If critics chewed him up when he was well and at the top of his game, how much more would they destroy him when he was at his weakest point? It’s one thing to battle something like this privately but how painful were the thoughts of having to do this publicly?

Maybe that’s not your issue; it could be the pain of abuse and trauma that continues to haunt you every day. I don’t know when it happened in your life—some experience it as a child, others much older. Some of those who were violated at a younger age may battle with the question of when they will ever get over this. You are tired of the nightmares, the fear, and the social challenges. Sadly, there are also many people who I have met that have gone through abuse of great magnitude. I have learned that just because you “survived” the abuse, doesn’t mean you’re still living.

I remember talking to one beloved lady who passionately said, “I wish my rapist had killed me. Why didn’t he kill me!! I’m dying every day with the memories.” Sometimes surviving trauma is worse than the trauma itself. You are left with the memories of the pain and you aren’t who you use to be. You don’t see life the way it was before and don’t think you can move on like this. For others, sadly, they may have forgotten who they were before and they live life in a state of confusion.

Where is Hope

So, after all is said and done, where do you find your hope? The world lies to us that people, health and finances bring safety, happiness, and comfort. We find ourselves fighting disappointment on a bigger battlefield when we fall into that misconception. There is nothing but temporary happiness that the world has for us. Nothing gives you peace, joy, and hope when life tries to suck the life out of us.

While yet in flower and not cut down, they wither before any other plant. Such are the paths of all who forget God; the hope of the godless shall perish. His confidence is severed, and his trust is a spider’s web. He leans against his house, but it does not stand; he lays hold of it, but it does not endure. He is a lush plant before the sun, and his shoots spread over his garden. His roots entwine the stone heap; he looks upon a house of stones. If he is destroyed from his place, then it will deny him, saying, ‘I have never seen you.’ – Job 8:12-18

This passage of scripture is so accurate; when we forget God, our hope perishes under the weight of life. We have confidence for only a season and the trust we have is like a spider web. What does that mean? It means our web of trust is just a trap. It is something that entangles us into so much more than what we bargained for. The author continues on to say that those who forget God try to hold up everything (their house). But only God can hold up our lives, not us. What’s interesting is the last sentence…when everything we sacrifice for falls apart, it turns around and denies us; disowns us. Then we are left feeling alone, abandoned, without direction and lost.

There is only one place where you can find hope, consistency, and strength when the walls start closing in around us. There is someone who loves you more than you could ever imagine. It’s God. He loves you more than you could ever imagine. There are many religions, but it is only the Christian religion that believes that our God is so personal. He counts the hairs on your head and collects every tear you drop in a bottle. He knows how you got here and how to get out. He knows what the future holds, and he wants you to invite him into your world of pain so he can change it into a world of purpose. I would love to pray with you.

Lord right now I thank you for my friend.  I know that there are different things in life that has cause my friend to feel like there is no hope.  Help them to see that you love them and that you are right by their side and want to get them through some of these hard times.  I ask that you show them hope, show them love, show them you value them.  Touch them and help them.  Thank you in advance for what you are going to do.  In Jesus name, Amen.

No one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email at thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

Face to Face With Hopelessness

Have you ever looked hopelessness in the face?  I will never forget the day I spent half an hour with hopelessness.  As a teenager, my husband ran from the idea of being a pastor.  Sam never wanted the job but the very thing he ran from was the very thing that chased after him.  As a pastor, he accepted his role and looked forward to the first wedding, the first baptism, the first baby dedication but he was not ready for what came first.  Shortly, after being credentialed with the Assemblies of God, he got a call from a member of his church that he won’t soon forget.  The distress and the pain in the voice of this father was overwhelming.  Tragedy had hit this home very hard; it was moving in as an unwanted guest.

As Sam helped this church member handle this tragedy, I decided to go to the hospital the next day just to look hopelessness in the face.  When I walked into the ICU, I was faced with a beautiful 19-year-old girl who was lying on the fence of death and life; after she was found hanging in an attempt to commit suicide.  After she was cut down and rushed to the hospital—the doctors broke the news that she may not survive—she was hanging for way too long; there was no hope.  I sat next to her bed as two of her dearest friends wept bitterly on the other side.  I had never been in such an uncomfortable situation before.  I did not know her personally, but I could not help but cry for her loved ones.

As I sat next to her I expected her to be cold and without life, but I took her hand in mine and felt her warmth and wondered if she was even there or if it was just the machines that were giving her the appearance of life.  With tears in my eyes, I stared at her and prayed to myself.  Sadly, I didn’t have the faith to have hope where there seemed to be no hope.  I could not help but wonder what would make a 19-year-old, who has everything going for her, try to kill herself?   Maybe she had no other friends except the two that I saw and she felt that it wasn’t enough.  Watching these two girls I thought, “Who needs more than two loving friends who wouldn’t leave your side—even when death was clinging to you?”

I Can’t Remember a Day Without Hopelessness

As I walked to my car, I wondered what her funeral would look like.  Would it be maybe just a handful of people?  Those who we spoke to testified of her chronic sadness and the multiple signs of her wanting to call it quits and leave this world.  As expected, she did not pull through, but to my surprise, the funeral did not look the way I imagined.  The place was so full that everyone wasn’t able to fit in the room.  She was loved by so many people and the room was overflowing with mourners.  There were people of all ages there.  Kids her age from her high school wept bitterly because they didn’t see her suicide coming.  The consistent testimony they all had was that her joy for life and her gift of happiness was what kept them together.  Many of her peers talked about how this beautiful young adult got them out of their sadness and hopelessness.

I was asked by her father if I could say something to the room of teenagers who looked at hopelessness in the face and accepted it.  As I got up and saw their faces—even though their eyes were open and they showed signs of life—these teenagers had the same look of hopelessness.  With tears in my own eyes, I shared the following story.

“I was only 15-years-old and there was nothing I saw worth living for.  My extremely physical and verbally abusive father passed away only a few months before.  His death was bittersweet as I felt the freedom to breathe, but life was still closing in around me.  My mother was experiencing her own depression—as to be expected—and her emotional deterioration was putting a spiritual weight on me.  Even with the weight of life, I laughed with my friends.  Like this young lady, no one knew what was going on in my mind and heart.  I was not faking my joy when I was with my friends, but when I was with them, I felt out from under the hammer of hopelessness.  I felt like life was good for those moments until I had to return home and face the pains, the memories, the reminder of how a hopeless life was and at that moment I felt desperate.

November of that year I went on a trip to Massachusetts with my youth group.  The trip was going great until my friends all broke out into a huge fight.  I couldn’t handle it.  The only group of people that I found joy with were now yelling at each other and it was too much for me.  I screamed and walked off to…find peace.  I walked to the frozen lake a ways away to think.  I thought…and I thought about just ending everything.  I thought about how I couldn’t go one more day like this.  I was trapped in this hell hole and there was no way out.  I didn’t understand why I still felt trapped even though my abuser was gone.  Jumping in that icy pond, in the middle of November, seemed like a better idea than living one more day in my hurt and pain.  I was tired of experiencing some form of happiness just to have it was taken from me.  So, I held on to the handle of that deck—almost white-knuckling it; then my mind battled with itself wondering how I got there.  One part of me was wanting to jump as the other held on to the railing to keep me from jumping.  I was frozen in the position of just looking at the lake mixed with all sorts of emotions.”

If you are someone who can relate to my story and you find yourself on your ledge, sort of speak, let me ask you the questions I asked myself that day.  How did you get here?  What caused you this pain?  Do you remember a time in your life that you didn’t carry these burdens?  Well let’s talk, it’s just you and me right now.  No one needs to know that we are talking.  So, let me tell you some things and see if you can relate to it.  If you do, don’t be ashamed, I did too and maybe we are not alone and there is another person who is reading this and can relate as well.  Right now let’s make this about you though, and no one else.

Hope Where Are You

What is the definition of hopelessness?  Webster’s Dictionary defines it as: having no expectation of good or success, not susceptible to remedy or cure, incapable of redemption or improvement, giving no reason to expect good or success, giving no ground for hope, incapable of solution, management, or accomplishment.  Think about this definition and do you relate to this?  Do you feel that there is no good coming or anything in your life?  Do you think that there isn’t a remedy or cure for the problem that you are constantly facing?  Maybe you have lost something valuable and you feel like you are incapable of redeeming what has been lost, or that you are incapable of managing your emotions and accomplishing that feeling of happiness, peace, and joy.

I can guarantee that even with a definition like this, it is a total understatement of what actually goes on in your head.  Have you shared what you have been going through?  I bet you have—in your own way—but maybe others didn’t pick up on it.  You see 75-80% of people who are suicidal will somehow communicate it in some way and give clues but because they don’t feel heard.  It is in that they feel their confirmation lies.  That no one cares so then, they can make a serious attempt to ending their life(Book 335).

Have you gotten to that point yet?  Did you drop a clue that no one picked up on?  Well, I want you to know that there is someone that cares and has picked up the clues.

“Why are you cast down, O’ my soul?  And why are you disquieted within me?  Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him. For the help of His countenance.  O’ my God, my soul is cast down within me.”  Psalms 45:5, 6

In these verses, David is speaking to his soul because he is sad, broken, hurt and discouraged, yet somehow, he is about to find the strength to keep going.  He found hope in no one else but God. I believe you can as well.  In God, we can find everything we need.

My story with the young people at the funeral continued as follows…

“On the day that I was gripping the deck and contemplating jumping into that icy lake water, I felt like I had not tried everything.  I wanted to believe that there was one more thing out there.  ANYTHING, but this.  That night I went to a service and I didn’t really care what the pastor was saying, I just got up from my seat and went to the altar and cried before God.  I told him that I could not walk this road alone.  If there were more pain and sorrow ahead of me, I was willing to walk it as long as if He was going to walk it with me.  I asked God for a reassurance that He was with me, for a sign to show me that I would never be alone.  In His love, mercy, and grace He sent me the sign I needed and I never thought of killing myself ever again.”

I explained to them about the love of God and of how He loved them all as well.  Now, to you, I say the same.  God loves you and He sees you where you are.  He is there waiting for you to look to Him for strength.  Though things may seem like they don’t have a purpose, know that He has a purpose for you.  In His love, you will find direction, hope, and freedom from the thoughts that weigh your mind down.

Suicide is not the kind of thing that you can put to the side.  If you are struggling with hopelessness, it may be time for help.  It is possible that you need to consider getting help professionally.  Again, you can’t do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction. Also if you would like to hear more about my testimony read my book, “The Threshing: A Weapon Forged by Fire.” Sign up here to read the first three chapters for free!  You can also buy the full book on Amazon!  Please comment below or contact us through email if you need additional help at thruthewinters@gmail.com.

The Danger of Untreated Depression

Can untreated depression lead to more serious issues? Let’s think about it.  For the last few weeks, we have been talking about depression—what it is and why we may experience it. It is not something we can wish away or pray away. I got the answer to the question about what untreated depression does to you in January of 2017.  Raul came to our youth group 15 years ago and he changed our lives from that day forward. He came to us at the age of thirteen/ fourteen, very sad and with a lot of questions about life and this God we were introducing to him. These questions exasperated the many battles he had in his mind but at some point, God gave him peace without the answers, and he gave his heart to God.

While Raul was in our youth group, he confessed a lot of mental challenges he was enduring and his desire to get off of medication. As he continued to come to our church and go to youth group, he changed in such a good way. His anxiety, and other issues started to subside slowly, and it was soon approved by the doctor that he no longer needed his medication. Sam and I got closer to Raul with every passing year. He was always taking the time to talk to us, spent many hours with Sam and was even on our fine arts team.

Before we moved, something changed in him when he went away to college. Raul was never perfect, but he at least had a hold on what was right and wrong and tried to follow it. After coming back from school, he started doing things he shouldn’t have; making him question God and his existence. Sadly, it wasn’t too long after he left to college that Sam and I decided to leave the church; which we think played a large part of him walking away from the church and embracing atheism even more.  Sometimes when you are battling with things it’s just better to believe that there is no God.

It was sad, but not surprising that Raul’s mental issues returned with a vengeance. His anxiety, paranoia and mental struggle, made him unrecognizable. It was so painful to hear about the destructive things he got into; he was searching for something and was not able to find it. January of 2017—ten years later—Raul went on a quest to find God for himself. Raul accepted God’s existence as much as he could with the mental illness that was consuming him; he started going to church and talked briefly to those who were grounded in their faith.

Unfortunately, even though he received God, Raul did not make the necessary decisions to truly get the healing he once received at 15 years old. He was so sad—still sad, so depressed and alone in his mind. He was surrounded by people but felt so alone even though he had a loving mother and friends that cared deeply for him. Shortly after Christmas, he rented a room in a hotel. But before renting the room he purchased a series of chemicals –that he knew was perfectly lethal if combined—put them together and allowed the fumes to fill the room and fell asleep; never to wake up in this world again. What is so painful—which may have solidified his thoughts—is that he was dead for a few days before being found. What was he thinking as he was falling asleep? What could push someone to take their life? In a few weeks, we are going to talk about the painful thoughts of suicide.

It Depletes You

Untreated depression is just as dangerous as any other untreated disease. Has someone totally underestimated the hold, bondage, chain, it has on you? They don’t understand that when someone is drowning in their own thoughts and the heaviness of despair squeezes their brain—so to speak— all they want to do is stop it, even if it is fatal. That’s when the snowball of certain things like drug addiction and alcoholism comes in—it may be your way to self-medicate yourself. A large number of people who struggle with substance abuse have an underlying issue that brings on their depression. Many condemn people for their behavior of substance abuse but what are they doing to find out what they are running from? Do you have voices that you are trying to silence and using other things to medicate?

You know, if you struggle with it, depression is not just sadness, or a feeling—it is a mental disease that has been proven to deplete the person’s health. Someone living like this has a greater chance of getting a stroke, diabetes and the risk for heart attacks go up. How do you keep going on when these feelings never give you a break? You want to enjoy friends, family and the current moment but depression is louder than the joy inside.

So, what steps do you have to take in order to get a better handle of this disease? Well, it has been proven that exercise, anti-depressants and mild to major therapy can greatly decrease the cycle of depression but it’s not the cure. Despite everything, depression is a bondage in the mind. Our thinking and bad choices play a huge part in the directions we take in life and I spoke about that last week.

Can You Have A Victorious Life With Thoughts of Failure?

The number one thing I would want you to know…we cannot live a victorious life when we think we are a failure. What are some faulty thinking that we may have that increases our bondage?

• We magnify situations bigger than they really are. Do you tend to make mountains out of molehills? When you give something more attention than it needs to, it just increases your negativity and makes it hard to see the positive side of the situation. We must see every event in its proper size. Ask yourself if it is really worth losing your peace or if the event just needs us to be flexible.
• Depression increases when we polarize things. That’s when we tend to think in terms of extreme—it has to be black or white. Sadly, the truth sometimes falls in the “gray” area. We hate to think that there is a gray area but that is the reality. We are not always able to see only the good or only the bad—sometimes the answers to our questions are found amongst both. We have to stop having that nasty dirty habit of taking everything so personal.
• Depression can cause us to be so self-centered and self-absorbed. We overestimate the extent to which things are meant for us personally. There are times things happen and we are so convinced that it was against us or it was a reflection of us. We have to learn not to make ourselves the center of everything. If someone behaves badly, it is not always a reflection of us. Let people’s behavior be a statement of who they are and not a mirror of who you are.
• Depression decreases when we stop overgeneralizing everything. We do this when we take one bad experience and use it to predict what will happen in the future. Just because you have a falling out with someone doesn’t mean that if you were in that situation again, it will happen again. Don’t feel trapped to make the same mistakes over again or expect the same rejection, hurt or let down.
• Last but not least, if you struggle with depression you may tend to make your feelings and emotions equal to the truth. Our feelings are just that…feelings. No one can say your feelings are wrong—because those are yours—but your feelings do not equate to the truth. We tend to react to them as if they can always be trusted. It is then we make decisions, ruin relationships, and lose important things because we allow our feelings to dictate everything.

A Breeding Ground For Depression

So, after we look at our thinking the last thing we need to do, in order to reduce depression, is making decisions that will support a healthy lifestyle. There are some behaviors that the world condones that is a breeding ground for depression to fester.

Here are some examples…

God never meant for us to have more than one sexual partner. The mental, emotional, spiritual and physical investment that is needed can rip you apart every time you break up with someone and start it with a new person. I don’t care who you are, every single sexual act that you have with someone who is not your spouse kills you.

Another example is, God never intended children to be raised in a one-parent home. I do not care how many kids experience it today when a child is born, they are not wired to not need one of their two parents but both. When we continue to raise generation after generation to believe that a child can live life without a parent, it is dysfunctional. These children experience so much hurt, loss, and confusion despite how easy the separation may have been. It is like tying the legs of a puppy and demanding them to live like that. The ropes may not hurt, they may figure out a way to walk and run with the rope on, that doesn’t mean that they are going to live the life they were meant to have.

Lastly, another thing is depression feeds off of self-centeredness. The world is all about SELF-help, SELF-esteem, SELF-motivation and more. We push independence and achieving a life without others but God never meant for us to live independently of him and others. We need to drop our pride and admit to needing help, and intentionally seek after it.

I would like to end this series with the truth that even if you get medication, sit in the best therapist chair, you will not find the freedom from depression until you surrender your heart and mind to Jesus. It could be instant or be a process but there is no way for you to experience the life that God calls us to unless this happens. If you would like to finally do this, I would like to pray for you, there is nothing magical in the prayer, it’s the heart of the one that is praying it. We would love to help you through this process after, so feel free to contact us.

So, repeat this prayer:

Lord I come to you admitting that I cannot go one more day like this without you. I ask that you will come into my life and help me walk this walk. I confess that I am a sinner and you died on the cross for my sins and defeated death for me. I pray that you will change me and set me free from the chains I have on. I believe you are capable of doing it. Thank you, Lord, for everything you did. In Jesus name amen.

After doing this it is time to find a church. It is best to look at the different churches in your area and see which one fits you best.

No one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email at thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

*Some of this information is from Lecture Notes: Overcoming Depression by Chris Thurman At Liberty University

When You Just Can’t Understand Depression

What do some say is the number one reason for depression?  Depression has been a subject that has come up a lot with me and I realized there are so many layers to this mental illness. One day I was in the car with a friend and it went from a decent time of light talking to a series of unexpected comments. She started telling me how she interpreted something I had done and her interpretation didn’t make sense to me. She was inadvertently blaming me for something that was out of my control. It just became a snowball of thoughts that made no sense. Now, this was not the first time she and I were in this situation where I was explaining my actions to her because she interpreted them wrong. Many times, she has said she didn’t feel she could trust me, that I didn’t need her, that she was alone…even though I haven’t left her side. This seemed to be a cycle—a pattern of some sort—sadly, I did not have the patience to listen to this any longer. I started to feel the back of my ears getting hot and—because I was driving —it was so important for me to stop the car. When we did stop, I exploded and started yelling at what she was saying to me. She started crying and I know that if she could take back every single word that she had said she would, but it was too late. In mid yell I felt God stop me and tell me that she is battling with depression; and that this was not her speaking. She was telling me her interpretation of my actions through the lenses of this illness.

Even though I felt the desire to eat her face with my words—then throw her out and make her walk the 4 miles to her house—I needed to put my anger to the side and truly explore the idea that something was wrong. As we sat in the car I asked her some questions and I told her, with love and true concern, that she needed to talk to her doctor about the possibility that some changes she was forced to made medically, was causing her a chemical imbalance that was bringing her into a place of depression. With a very heavy heart, she admitted having suicidal thoughts; she felt that if she was gone no one would miss her. It was clear that this was not my friend speaking and that she needed help soon.

She did take my advice—she knew her life was at risk if we had another conversation like that again (joking…not really. She knows I love her). The doctor confirmed that she is going through depression and needed mild anti-depressants. The question is, why do we experience depression so often in this day and age and why does it happen even though we may go to church and love God?

Let’s talk about it.

Why Does Depression Hit So Hard?

It seems like everyone is depressed, or getting over it, or starting to experience it. Mental health counselors see depression as the common cold of the brain. So many people can catch it and it doesn’t go away so easily. What are some things that cause this illness? We are going to talk about that this week and start the conversation on how to overcome and resolve it.

Let’s cover why women face depression almost twice as often as men? Well, there are four main reasons that I want to talk about why we get depressed in general.

First, with menstrual cycles, childbirth, and menopause, women’s hormones easily get thrown out of whack. Unfortunately, it could also be something as simple as the birth control a woman is taking that could cause depression. It is so important that women understand their body and if some thoughts are not normal, we must admit it to our doctor so that our hormones can be checked. Men don’t go through those kinds of changes, but men can face chemical imbalances as well. We also have to consider that maybe any medication that we are taking can be contributing to this mental illness. It can bring so much shame because certain thoughts are not normal and there may be no valuable reason for the sudden hopelessness. However, when we lay our pride down, we can get help and answers to our questions.

Now, what do you do when you come home from the doctor and they say there is no imbalance and your hormones are fine? What do you do when the thoughts become debilitating? Let’s look at the other three reasons we could be going through this.

The second reason some people go through depression is a loss of some kind. Last month I talked about the pain of loss and grief. In week one I talked about how the sudden loss of someone can almost take the wind out of us.  In week two I talked about the different challenges that someone goes through when their loves one passes away after health challenges.  In week three we talked about how loss does not just mean losing a loved one.  When we lose our health, finances and purpose, we go through the same grieving process as if we were to lose a human.  Lastly in week four I talked about how God understood and understands loss because when he was on earth, he experienced the loss of loved ones.  The loss of ANY kind—a parent, friend, job, dog, lifestyle, spouse, child, divorce—can trigger depression. Depression will linger the longer that person does not get help with addressing the loss.

There was a young man that lost his dog and he found himself fighting off feelings of suicide. The loss of a dog is…just a pet to some…but it was his lifeline. One day he found himself under a tree with a knife ready to slit his wrist. When he went through a divorce and had no one at home to greet him, he had this wonderful companion who greeted him and kept him company. This pet went on trips, went on walks, slept with him, and licked his tears. It did not matter what state he was in; this dog was there. His dog’s unexpected death made everything that he was going through heightened. It wasn’t just a dog; this companion was evidence that he was not alone in this world when everyone had abandoned him.

We can’t belittle anyone’s loss and that goes for a child as well. We assume that kids don’t face these things, but suicide is the third leading killer of kids from the ages of 10-14 (Clinton, Hart, & Ohlschlager, 2005). Those that are not familiar and lack empathy with this kind of pain, will say things like, “it was just…”, or “It was over 10 years ago, why are you still upset?”, “just get over it.” These words don’t help, it just pushes that person back into their depression because no one wants out of this mentality more than them. The world we all live in is ours to determine what is important and what is meaningless. The things that make our lives worth living for can vary and when something is ripped away from us it can send us into a spiral that is hard to get over.

The third thing is stress. A huge cause of depression is an unusual amount of stress. A woman that has three young kids that are demanding her attention from the moment she walks in from a 10-hour work shift—with a husband that is checked out—can cause that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. When she is always being pulled in every direction, with no help or time for herself, she can lose sight of who she used to be, leading her to a time of depression. It is no different for a single father that is expected to take care of his family alone—while working 10-14 hours a day—with a wife that is nagging, argumentative and insensitive to his feelings.

The Number One Reason for Depression?

What can some say is the number one reason for depression? Now, yes we can have chemical and hormone issues, loss of some kind that breaks our hearts, and we may experience stress that is greater than we can handle, but the last reason for depression is faulty thinking. It is more toxic than every other issue. Before depression hits its full peak, we bombard our minds with negative thoughts that prove to be very destructive. These thoughts are called, “Self-talk.” What is the conversation that you have with yourself when no-one is around? Do you continue to remind yourself that you are a loser, failure, an outcast, not accepted, hated, rejected, plain, fat, too skinny, poor, unwanted, dirty, damaged, untalented, forgotten, a mistake, overlooked, disqualified, ugly, stupid, foolish, dumb and more? I’m sure I missed something, but these are the ones that overwhelm most of us. It is these thoughts that keep us bound in our thoughts, relationship and work. It keeps us from believing that the promises that God has pertain to us.

The other part of having faulty thinking or destructive self-talk can stem from sin. The truth is that we place ourselves in situations where we choose our own desires over God’s. The consequences of our sin don’t always get erased because we say we are sorry. When we enter into that sexual relationship and we experience the loss of that relationship, it may bring depression. The failing of a marriage due to our neglect or our infidelity, causes a spiral of thoughts that stem from our actions. The painful reality—that may be hard to hear—is that some of our actions may have dug the pit that we are in right now.

So, if it is our fault does that mean God won’t help us? Whether it is our fault or not, God is able to get us out of our pit, but it is our responsibility not to fall in it again.

Psalms 40:1, 2

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

Psalms 69:15

Let not the flood sweep over me,

or the deep swallow me up,

or the pit close its mouth over me.

In the first set of verses, it says that they waited patiently for the Lord. Sometimes that’s the problem, we lack the patience to allow God to heal us. As much as we are living in a fast world, we do not have a fast God. There may be those that find healing immediately but there will be those that will need this patience. When we give ourselves to him, God answers the prayer in Psalms 69:15 and reassures us during our difficult times.

*Most of this article is taken from “Caring for People God’s Way” by Tim Clinton.

Weekly Challenge:

Read Psalms 88

I would encourage you to read this and take a moment to see if there are any thoughts that mirror your own. Then reflect on Psalms 40:1, 2

No one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email @thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

*Most of this article is taken from “Caring for People God’s Way” by Tim Clinton

What A Cold

What causes America 30 billion dollars a year in disability and medical bills?  What medical illness is considered the common cold of emotional disorders?  Depression plagues more than 19 million adults in America and this painful illness is so much more than feeling sad and blue.

I will never forget the year I almost lost one of my dearest family members.  January 2nd, one day after New Year’s, I found out that one of my cousins was admitted to the hospital.  I had not seen her in a few years so I did not know that she was ill. Unfortunately, she got an infection and did not take care of it right away.  My mother went to the hospital but was not ready for the state in which her niece had been in.  Not only had she not been taking care of her infection, but she had not been eating.  She wasn’t anorexic, she was just not interested in food.  The doctors said that she was so malnourished that she could easily be compared to a child in a third world country.  “How did she get this way?”, was my thought.  How could a vibrant, successful, fun-loving woman find herself in the CCU (critical care unit) for an infection that was so bad it went into her blood?  Her infection was so bad that it turned into other things causing her to go through health complications which made the doctors think she wasn’t going to make it through the night.  She saw what was happening to her, but she didn’t care enough to change.  When I looked at pictures of her from years ago, where she was thick and healthy, she was almost unrecognizable when I laid eyes on her in the hospital.

When I was in the room with her and asked her how this all happened, she couldn’t really explain it to me, but as her time in the hospital lingered and counselors were talking with her, it finally came out that one of her biggest struggles was depression.  You see she was a 9/11 survivor and since the loss of all her co-workers in that tragic terrorist attack, she was never the same.  On September 11, 2001, she was scheduled to work but because she was allowed to work late the night before; she was not due to come in till much later that day. That schedule change saved her life, but took her life as well. Since then, along with other situations, my cousin went through a very dangerous season of depression.  This mental disorder led her to such a dark place that she could no longer function, take care of herself and almost ended up killing her.

The Danger of an Untreated Cold

Why is depression so dangerous?  Sadly, because it is a medical illness in the brain that doesn’t get cured by surgery or wishing it away, many people have to battle with depression, like my cousin did, without a cure.  Those that struggle with this can feel misunderstood, lonely, and isolated because of the borage of thoughts, pain and lack of interest in the things they once loved. Some people assume that one can just snap out of depression, but it doesn’t work like that for everyone.

I wanted to take this month to talk about this illness, give some facts and some practical things that can be done to get someone through this season.  This week I just want to help get a better understanding of what depression is and what it is like to live with it.

What is it like having depression?  There are different forms of this emotional state.  One is the non-clinical form which is characterized by brief mood fluctuations or the feeling of sadness, disappointment, and frustration for a few days.  Sadly, some experience these same emotional challenges at a more intense level for a much longer period of time—weeks, months and even years like my cousin.  Also, there is another form called dysthymic disorder.  The symptoms are not serious enough to meet the criteria for a major depressed mood—they experience a few days of sadness out of the week for a minimum of two years.  That means that 182-200 days out of the year, they fight these feelings and emotions.

“Those that battle with this are over-involved in activities and are overly dependent on others. They are easily hurt, sensitive to rejection and loss of self-esteem, and have a high need for control.  Often, they are not aware of the intense anger they feel and have trouble expressing anger appropriately when necessary.”  (Clinton, Hart & Ohlschlagner, 2005)

I do not know what I would do if I had to wake up and go to sleep with these kinds of emotional challenges.  It is such a lonely feeling because there are so many times when those with depression can be in a room full of people but still feel isolated.  Unfortunately, despite how they feel, they are not alone.  According to statistics, 16-17% of America has major depression while 6-7% of the rest of America goes through some form of depression at some time in their lives; these numbers continue to go up.  Amongst these statistics, only 40% will get any help.

Why are we surprised at the numbers?  Look at the world we are living in where there are terrorist attacks regularly, children are been ripped from their parents due to neglect and abuse, domestic violence and molestation continue to go on the rise and so much more.  It is almost impossible not to meet someone who hasn’t been in some kind of traumatic experience.  It doesn’t matter what world we live in; God never designed our mind to have to endure these kinds of stressors.  God never designed a child to live in a family with only one parent.  It doesn’t matter how great a mom or dad we are, that remaining parent can never satisfy the job of both parents.  Also, God never designed us to be sexually intimate with more than one person. The world makes it seem as if we are supposed to shop around and not settle down until we taste the product and approve it.  Giving ourselves so intimately to mates that don’t stick around, leaves a scar that can only be seen by God.  How do the two go together?  God created us as a social, relational people and when bonds are broken, destroyed or ripped apart, our thinking has to be reprogrammed because our minds are only programmed for healthy, long-lasting, enduring relationships.  Anything outside of that will cause our brain to try and find a new normal.

These are a few things our world tries to make us think are okay, but it has caused a snowball of hurt and dissatisfaction with life.  Maybe you are battling in your mind and it’s not your fault—you didn’t do or experience any of those things.  I want you to know that God does not want you to struggle with this.  He knows exactly what events have played a part in getting you here; that painful moment that makes you think about yourself and your situation with hopelessness.

Symptoms of Depression

So, what’s the first step?  God desires to bring complete healing to your heart, soul, and mind. Before we can experience healing and get through this season, we need to be honest about what the symptoms are and the dangers of not taking this disorder seriously.  What symptoms could you be wrestling with that makes it hard to live life to the fullest?

Here are some possibilities…

• Loss of interest

• Changes in appetite (Overeating and under eating)

• Changes in sleep habits, (Oversleeping and insomnia)

• Anxiety and irritability

• Fatigue (though you sleep you still feel lethargic).

But what are the other symptoms that make it hard living with hope and excitement?  Here are a few symptoms:

• Sadness

• Inability to concentrate

• Thoughts of suicide

• Social avoidance

• Hopelessness and helplessness

• Crying Spells

• Gastric intestinal difficulty and headaches

What is one of the main signs?  Battling with depression causes a lot of sadness that makes it so hard to be social with other people.  My cousin missed a lot of Sundays when she used to go to church.  She would always say she wasn’t feeling well.  My family thought she was just making excuses but there was something so much deeper going on.  I once heard depression described as a feeling of someone pouring molasses in their brain and expected them to function normally.  It is so hard for someone who is fighting this way to feel comfortable around people when their thoughts never get shut off.  When you feel like you’re swimming in your negative views and can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, like I said before, hopelessness and helplessness become two companions that won’t leave you alone no matter how much you try to shake them off.  This feeling goes along with physical pain that doesn’t seem to shake itself off.  When you are always in this cloud, suicide is not that far away from your thoughts (we will be talking about that next month).

I Just Can’t Explain Myself

This season can be so embarrassing when no one can understand what is going on.  How do you explain to your husband who loves you dearly, that you think regularly about killing yourself? How do you tell your best friend that you feel alone even though they are always there for you? How do you explain to your boss that you don’t have the flu, you just can’t get out of your own head?  Or how do you tell your kids that you think about giving them up because you don’t feel like you can take care of them?  The feelings are drowning you and it is so hard to explain. Sometimes, many times, those battling will let down their guard and tell a loved one but sadly, the loved one makes it more about themselves—totally misunderstanding what is being said. That is when the one struggling will stay alone with their demons and allow them to consume them.

So, is there any hope?  Absolutely there is hope my friend.  I said it before, but I want to reiterate this truth that when God shows up on the scene he can change everything.  There is absolutely no way to beat this thing without him.  Yes, you may take medication to mask the problem, but you don’t need a band-aid, you want a cure.  God is capable of healing your mind, it doesn’t matter how deep you are in it.  We spend so much time looking for God to heal the blind man and the lame, but in this day and age, healing someone who has depression, anxiety or panic disorder is almost more of a miracle than the blind seeing and the lame walking.  Nothing is impossible my friend.  Understand, in no way am I suggesting to stop your prescriptions or seeing your doctor.  I am simply stating that your current state does not have to be your final diagnosis.

In the next few weeks, we are going to talk about some steps to curing this disease, but we first need to get to the root.  Depression is the fruit of the root of a struggle and we don’t want to just get rid of the fruit, because they will just grow back.  We need to uproot the problem so we can live a healthy life.

If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email @thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

If God Were One Of Us

If God were living amongst us and like us, would he keep his loved ones from death or sickness? If I were God and I had all the power of the whole universe at my fingertips, I would never allow my family members, loved ones—or anyone that meant anything to me—to face pain, sorrow or loss.  God did come down to live amongst us and, unlike what I would do, he did not spare his family from seeing death—and maybe even sickness—while he was on the earth.  That’s right, not everyone around Jesus was healed or raised from the dead.

Not Everyone Was Healed or Rescued

One of the main things we know about Jesus’ time here on earth was how He did great miracles; He healed the sick, cast out evil spirits and raised people from the dead.  But there are at least two people that did not have that testimony.  The very first person, we are not too sure of the events of what took place, was Jesus’ earthly father Joseph.  Yes, we know that Mary was an exceptional woman for being picked as His mother and was a virgin, but what kind of a man was Joseph to be chosen to protect, provide, love and raise Jesus and Mary?  It is not certain exactly what took place, but we know that he protected Jesus from Herod, looked for Him when He was 12 years old and missing, but Joseph was never mentioned again in Jesus’ last three years of ministry.  Not only was he never mentioned during the ministry, but he was not there when Jesus was being tortured and nailed on the cross.  We are certain that he had passed away because in John 19:26-27, Jesus makes arrangements for one of His disciples to take care of His mother after his death.  Jesus lost his earthly father and there is no human answer that I could give, as to why.  How could Jesus heal and raise everyone but not his own father?

Well clearly even though Jesus lost his father he wouldn’t allow his own cousin to be wrongfully murdered even though he was such a dedicated lover of God.  John the Baptist was Jesus’ cousin and he played a part in letting the people know that the long-awaited Messiah (Jesus) was finally here.  Despite the impact that this man’s life made on the community—which was far greater than we could ever imagine—when he was in jail waiting to be beheaded, Jesus did not save him.  He could have caused an earthquake just like He did with Paul and set him free but he decided not to.  It was clear that even John expected Jesus to intervene because while awaiting his execution, John sent a message…

John’s disciples told him about all these things. Calling two of them, he sent them to the Lord to ask, “Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?” When the men came to Jesus, they said, “John the Baptist sent us to you to ask, ‘Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?’”

Why did doubt settle in the man God ordained to prepare the way for the Son of God?  Doubt would settle into me if my cousin claimed to be God and didn’t seem to have any plans of saving my life while facing a wrongful death sentence. Why would Jesus let something like that happen? Well, we can ask the same thing about his father.  Why would Jesus allow his siblings to be fatherless and his mother to be a widow?

You Have The Power So Why Not Use It

Don’t we ask those questions in our own lives?  “If God loves me, why is he letting this happen?”, or “You have the power to stop this, why wouldn’t you?”  We have been given this false idea that God reduces sorrow, pain, and suffering but that is not true.  There are moments when God allows the unthinkable to happen, not because he doesn’t love us, or because he isn’t powerful or that he doesn’t care.  We are serving a perfect God who is Lord over a very, very imperfect world.  We all want to make our own choices and be our own personal lord but when there are two lords, there will be a war.  Sometimes in this war for dominance, there are casualties, destruction, loss, and pain.  Man makes decisions and seeks happiness their way and when it snowballs into consequences that are not favorable, we blame God for not giving us the benefits if we did life his way.

So, is Joseph’s death and John the Baptist being beheading, their own fault?  That’s silly.  There is no way I am saying that.   What I am saying is that Joseph and John’s premature death was the result of this fallen world and there are times that God intervenes but there are times He also allows the unthinkable to happen because there is a war going on and we are experiencing the loss from our (mankind’s) decisions.  No one wants to hear anything like that, sadly it’s the truth. God never wanted or intended to have someone so good, loving and devoted to seeing death at such a young age as Joseph.  And what kind of a thank you was that to John the Baptist for being so faithful?

Could we really feel like Jesus could relate to us if he never understood death and loss?  I know He didn’t do it for that but the human side of Him understands grieving and mourning.  He knows what we go through and what we need to get through those moments in our lives.  I know you may be thinking, unlike us, He had a choice that we don’t have.  You see Jesus was not on earth making choices independent of God the Father.  That is why in the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus was clearly hoping to avoid some moments that were coming so He said,

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” He said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.”  Going a little farther, He fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from Him.  “Abba, Father,” He said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:34-36)

Jesus said something that I know others have said to Him, “everything is possible for you.”  That means there was nothing He couldn’t do.  How many times have we asked God to change His plan because we know He can?  Jesus was not here to fulfill the plans because, even though He was still God, once he wrapped himself in humanity’s flesh, his heart would be divided.  He allowed God the Father to continue to make the choices, so He had to subject Himself to the pains we would go through and forfeit His choice to change things no matter what His preference was.

Let’s look at one more verse…

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.  Isaiah 53:3

We are so blessed to have a Messiah that didn’t just come to save the world, but He wanted to relate with the world before He rescued them.  This verse tells us that He understands suffering and He is familiar with pain.  So today I want to tell you that when you have those moments and can do nothing but cry know that He knows this emotion, the confusion and the grief involved very well. Go to Him, sit in silence, talk, and cry some more.  Allow Him to comfort and love you.

No one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email @thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

I Lost My Purpose

How do I find hope when I have lost substance, relationship and/or health? How do I move forward when I am now battling with so many insecurities and fears and have made hopelessness a dear friend? Can the loss of hope leave someone just as paralyzed as the death of a loved one?

My husband and I will not forget a few years ago when we got a call that one of our friends was being rushed to the hospital because he tried to take his life. Nothing in us could fathom why he felt his life was so bad that killing himself was the only way out. He and his wife lived a very comfortable life with their white picket fence, manicured lawn, huge house, and beautiful kids. Sadly, the economy hit harder than it had in a while and he was let go from his job; he hit depression hard. He was already battling it before, but his job made him feel useful, needed and accomplished—so to speak. Once the job was gone it just sealed his depression. He was not able to keep any of the new jobs he had received, and his family started struggling financially. He convinced himself that he was hopeless and helpless. What he found identity in, was stripped away; and the strain of not having what he needed was now screaming every day. It wasn’t much longer that he had left a notice for his wife and kids that he didn’t think he could keep going. Our friend went to a remote place and slit his wrist.

The cut was very deep but not deep enough to take his life immediately. After he cut himself, he regretted it. He realized that he had made a big mistake, so he called 911 where the ambulance found his location and saved his life.

Are you like my friend? Have you, or are you currently thinking that this life has nothing for you now that you have lost something that gave you significance and purpose? The loss of hope brings on grief, but differently than we have been talking about in week one and week two. When your identity, worth, and value is found in substance—or anything that can be taken away—you find yourself feeling lost and without an anchor in the biggest storm of your life.

Maybe you are not like my friend and you haven’t lost your job or substance but maybe a relationship/friendship has ended terribly. Have you lost a relationship with someone like a best friend, fiancée, boyfriend or spouse? Some people don’t understand why this could cause such a breakdown but when you pour yourself into someone for so many years and interweave them into your present-day—even future—the loss of them can be far greater than anyone expected.  Relationships help keep us going.

God never wanted us to live life alone which is why he gave Adam, Eve; this doesn’t mean that friendships outside of marriage aren’t as important because there isn’t any romance. We need them to keep going.  What are some things you may fear when you feel that there is a void in your life? I know that there are times loneliness can be so consuming that it’s hard to even think. The fear that the void is never going to be filled can send you into an unhealthy state.

Another fear, if it was a romantic relationship, could be that you will never love again and never be truly happy again. These are all things that do consume someone’s mind and heart; as they wonder how they did not see this hurt coming. I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and God knows exactly what you are going through.

God Will Bend You But Not Break You

Lastly, maybe you are not feeling hopeless because of anything like this but find yourself in a place of desperation because there is a loss of health. He was hunched over at almost a complete 45-degree angle from severe scoliosis (a curvature of the spine),and my dear friend Robert was left crippled and unable to stand up straight. Before Parkinson’s and scoliosis turned Robert’s life upside down, he was the Dean of our church’s private school, a teacher, a council member, he led the men’s ministry and taught the adult Sunday school class faithfully. Along with his faithfulness to church he was also one of the funniest men I had ever met in a long time.

A few years after we started to attend our church, Bob was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Parkinson’s is a progressive disease of the nervous system marked by tremors, muscular rigidity, and slow, imprecise movement, chiefly affecting middle-aged and elderly people. When Bob found out that he had this disease, he went through a lot in his heart and mind. I personally watched his spirit diminish as the challenges of this disease started to take an effect. It became obvious that the disease was not going to make life easy for him. He fought, daily, the thought that he was going to be useless. It was hard for him to not see how this disease was not going to strip him of his purpose. I want to tell you that Bob believed in the power of God’s healing and that he recovered and he is with us today serving in all his ministries. Sadly, that is not the case. Robert entered heaven completely healed walking straight and the only shaking he had was when he was overwhelmed by seeing God face to face.

There Is Only One Answer

What does everyone have in common that we can use to get through this time of life? We all have the bad habit of putting our security in things that will never give us hope. As hard as it maybe to accept this truth, hope should never be placed on anything that can be taken away from us. Hope in a person, job, health or lifestyle are all things that can never be depended on. So how do we get out of this pit of grief and loss? There is only one answer. It is the same answer to suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, anger, stress and un-forgiveness… Jesus Christ.

This may be where I lose you because you may not be able to make sense of who God is. You may question if he’s real or if he even loves you. Let’s ask the pressing question, “If God is real why didn’t he intervene? Why did he allow this to happen to me?” That is such a good question and I will not insult the greatness of God by giving a mediocre answer.

My husband showed me a book called, “The Shack” by Paul Young—which was later turned into a movie. In this book a man named Mack, was grieving over the loss of his daughter who was kidnapped and murdered in cold blood. He slipped into such depression that he couldn’t move on. God himself sent him an invitation to spend some time with him—Mack accepted the invitation. God did not show up in a way that he was expecting. In this time, Mack expressed his anger, frustration, bitterness and un-forgiveness towards his daughter’s murderer and God himself. Here is one of the quotes from the book

“Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them but will neither fill them nor free them. They are addicted to power, or the illusion of security that that power offers. When a disaster happens, those same people will turn against the false power they trusted. In their disappointment, either they become softened toward me (God) or they become bolder in their independence. If you could only see how all of this ends and what we will achieve without the violation of one human will—then you would understand.” Pg127

What happens when we come into this world broken and confused as to where real security is found? We place our weight on things that the world tells us will give us power, influence and makes us significant so that when those things are taken from us, we feel robbed, naked and exposed. Sadly, due to our own pain and disappointment, we are angry at the thing or person we once relied on—and even God for allowing the pain—we don’t realize our mistakes. God gave us people, finances and even health, but he did not give them for it to be what we rely on or depend on as if it is our only source of hope. God never desires you to put your hopes in anything that can change.

When we look at the first story of my friend who lost his job, his suicide attempt was not the end of the story. He did have a break down, but he invited God into his situation and then gave his heart to Jesus and started surrounding himself with people that would support a healthy life style. My husband and I watched God transform him. While my other friend, Bob, went to be with the Lord in April of 2017, he faithfully led the adult Sunday School for as long as he physically could months before he passed. In that time his health deteriorated drastically but he became a symbol of what it means to not allow hopelessness and helplessness to rob you of what you can do. He came to church faithfully every Sunday and when it was too much for him to sit, he did Sunday School and then went home to rest. After he passed away, we dedicated an area of the sanctuary, where he used to sit, and make it into a café named after him.

Jesus is Just the First Step

Jesus is the answer, yes but he is the first step. The next step is finding a good therapist or counselor that can help you finish out your mourning process and start you on the road to mental wellness again. This may include group sessions of some sort. At the end of this article, I will be giving you a link to Bedrock Ministries where you can skype your therapy sessions with a trained counselor. If you are not financially capable of getting a counselor or therapist, if you don’t have one yet, I would encourage you to join a local church where they can help you until you can afford therapy. You need to talk to someone about this. There is no way you can do this alone. There is no room for pride during this time. We have to do this right in order to bring you back to where you need to be—and not allow pride to keep you from getting the help needed. Allow yourself to be comforted by God. Forgive him for any wrong you think he did to you in this time. Be prepared to let it go.

If you are unable to go to therapy it is really important for you to find someone who you can talk to, a pastor, mentor, or someone that you can trust. This person can help push you when you are low and can help keep you accountable. I know I said it already but allow yourself to be comforted by God. If you are battling with un-forgiveness with God, read this article I wrote about how and why we need to forgive God.

If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email @thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.

This Is What I Need

Does the death of a loved one cause everyone to react the same? I am blessed with the women in our church who don’t allow age to define them and my friend Annette is one of them. Annette is a grandmother, works full-time, is here every time the church doors are open, goes out with her friends, goes to concerts, and plays and has the energy to do anything else her hands feel to do. Annette is going on 82 years young and her energy puts any 30-year-old to shame. Eight years ago the church rallied by her side when her husband of 48 years of companionship, passed away.

Alfred was a wonderful man but for most of their marriage, he was battling with his health.  His struggle was hard for her because the emotional strain of seeing him wither away was heartbreaking for her and the rest of her family.  When he did go to be with the Lord, Annette’s grieving and mourning process seemed shorter than others.  On the day her husband passed away she found herself at the church doors ready for Bible study.  Annette knew that she needed to be around people.  The only way she could get through the loss was to surround herself with people that could encourage her.

Could you have gone to a church function after the loss of your loved one?  Not every loss will have the same reaction.  If you are mourning the loss of a person than let me talk to you. Everyone’s testimony of their loss and recovery is different and it is not fair to compare your reaction to others.  Everyone’s loss is unique, and you have to look at a few things that can help you understand why you may be reacting to your loss differently than others.

Teach Me How To Let Go

Annette’s pain of watching her husband battle with his fatal illness over the years is not easier than what my mother-in-law went through when my father-in-law was murdered during a store robbery.  So, my question for you is how did you lose your loved one? Was it after a long battle with a disease or were they snatched from you overnight?  Some have had loved ones pass after fighting for a long time with their health and others may envy that because they’ve had their loved ones ripped from their lives suddenly.  They may say that “At least they got the chance to ask for forgiveness, mend relationships and say good-bye.”  However, to the ones who lost their loved ones suddenly, may not understand the emotional strain, financial burdens, lack of time, and very little energy that the ones who watched slowly as their loved ones passed may have gone through and in return envy those for whom it was sudden.

The circumstances of death make grief harder and more unbearable and it doesn’t matter how much time you have before they pass.  For example, life becomes challenging when parents have to watch their child lose their battle with cancer.  It isn’t fair for a young newlywed to watch their new spouse go to be with the Lord when they just walked across the threshold.  When the circumstances are this tragic, the grieving process is going to be so different even if you had time to say your good-byes because there is no way to bury someone that wasn’t ready to leave everyone behind.

Sadly, someone who loses a loved one suddenly has no goodbye, no preparation for the absence. Their loved ones are literally ripped from their lives and the shock of their absence can be too overwhelming to fathom.  After the initial shock has subsided then there may be regret from the last conversation, behavior or lack of communication over the years.  Guilt starts to settle in and “unfinished business” starts to eat away at them.

There is another reason why grief may be hard is the state of your relationship with the one who passed.  If the relationship was cut off, or if distance was placed between you and the departed, the process of mourning can be complicated.

My father was a cruel, harsh and abusive parent and for many years after his death, I would have nightmares that he would show up at my door to take away everything that I loved.  I was 28-years-old when I had my last one.  He showed up at my house and I was in shock like every other time.  He continued to haunt me after he died even though his death was my happily ever after.  I knew that I needed to address my unforgiveness and the dysfunction of our past relationship in order to stop the nightmares.  That is something that you may need to do in therapy as I did.

Even though I was happy he was gone, I still mourned because losing my father at 14 years left me with a void.  When I buried him, I buried answers for why he hated me so much.  He died with answers to what I needed to do to get his love.  My chances of having a father I loved walking me down the aisle at my wedding, was gone. I would never understand the love of an earthly father.  Yes, men step into my life as father figures and loved me, but it wasn’t the same. So, I got my happily ever after but lost so much; one would wonder if it just opened a new set of issues.

Don’t Bury Those Emotions

Where were you in your relationship with your loved one?  Were you struggling with questions? Or maybe you were on the other end—maybe you didn’t treat your loved one well and have regret.  There is healing that needs to happen no matter what has happened and no matter where your relationship was on the day that they left your life.  Loss is draining and is a part of life, but you can’t live in this state too long because the longer you are here, it will take twice as long to get out.

Please understand I am not, in any way saying, “Snap out of it” “Get on with your life” “Pull yourself together”, those statements just make things worse.  I am not asking for you to put a mask on and bury your emotions.  When you contain your emotions, it erupts in other ways like anger and rage.  What are some things that you can do to get through this time? I personally do not think that you can successfully get through something like this without God. Psalms 6:6-9 says,

I’m tired of all this—so tired.  My bed has been floating forty days and nights  On the flood of my tears.  My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope. Get out of here, you Devil’s crew: at last God has heard my sobs. My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered.

I know you may not feel like it right now, but God has seen your request for help.  He wants to get you through this but you will need to put your trust in him.

Also, I would encourage you to find a therapist or a counselor that can help you through some additional processes.  For now, let’s just look at two main points today.

1. Face the things about your relationship with the deceased that is making your mourning process hard. Be honest about the dysfunction or the unfinished business that you had with the person. Did you forgive the person for what they did not do for you?  Unforgiveness can keep you in a place of sorrow and regret.  It can and will snowball into other things and you won’t even know they are connected.  Forgiveness is hard when the person has passed away, but it is not impossible.  God tells us throughout the whole New Testament the importance of forgiving others.

When my father passed away, I was stuck with many raw emotions and I knew I needed to forgive.  I remember the day I sat on my bed and I took out paper and started writing my father a letter.  I wrote to him as if he was going to see it.  I spent a few hours writing down every hurt he inflicted on me.  I wrote about how I hated him and that I was happy he was gone.  But after writing all of that I forgave my father.  I listed all the things I forgave him for.

The truth is that forgiveness is not an overnight process. It takes work and support from others so again get someone to help you through this season of life.

2. Do not seclude yourself. Find ways to remain connected with society after such a loss. I know that it may seem like a weird thing to do but when we are in this state of mind, we have less of a desire to be with others.  If you do not have children, like my mother did as we were her motivation to wake up and keep going, the desire to stay confined in yourself will be overwhelming. Reconnecting yourself with your friends and family is important for the healing process.  You aren’t trying to forget those you have lost but you can start a new chapter of life for yourself.  This new chapter, especially if you had bad experiences, can now form your deceased loved one into something positive.  The memory that is left no longer has to be one that has haunted you, but instead, it can be seen as a motivation that has molded you into a better and stronger person.

No one can do this alone.  If you do not have a therapist or a counselor that you can go to, here is a link to Bedrock Ministries Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.  They are a counseling ministry that can at least can advise and begin to point you in the right direction.  We would also love to be there for you.  Please feel free to contact us through our email @thruthewinters@gmail.com or comment below.