Out With the Old…

If you were finally walking in your destiny, would you be forced to address your past?  I have been raised in the church since I was six years old.  The first impression I received from those who taught me was that when we bring Jesus into our lives, we are free from our choices before, everything old is made new, so everything is under the blood.  These beliefs aren’t just said to little children though.   Many new believers are told this as well, and those struggling with their past lives, it is not easy to just shove the old person under the rug.   These struggles cause many who are haunted by their past to feel as if they do not have enough faith, or that they do not believe that they are made new?  

For the last three weeks, One Hot Mess (OHM for short) has been sharing her story of insecurity and promiscuity.   She was a beautiful young woman who was ready for what God had for her.  She went away for four years to a Christian program where she was able to get a stronger hold on God.  While at this program, OHM fell in love with her very first Christian boyfriend who ultimately became her husband.  Was her past of promiscuity, fear, and sin behind her now that she held her credentials and was living happily ever after?   Let One Hot Mess tell the next chapter in her life. 

But Wait, There’s More

My story doesn’t end at my completely different life with an awesome husband and history-making ministry credentials.  As beautiful as my new life was, I didn’t realize that the issues from my past had only been cleaned up on the surface.  I didn’t know that a huge part of my healing wouldn’t begin until way after the honeymoon.  I will continue that part of my story next week. 

When I couldn’t see God in the hurtful circumstances of my life,  I gave up on God prematurely.  I made choices that I thought would make my life better, but they were self-destructive, and I made my life more of a mess.  However, with all of the mistakes I made, God still loved me.  When I decided to put my trust in Him, He honored that, and He gave me a clean slate, a new chance at life.  Sometimes when we can’t see God, we put our trust in things that fail us — ourselves, other people, even money, and success. Those things lead us astray from the things we really want, the things that only God can give us — peace, joy, and love that aren’t dependent on our circumstances or failures. Thankfully, God still loves us and knows and wants what’s best for us. Because Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead to defeat sin and death forever, we have the opportunity to ask God for forgiveness for the mess we make when we try to do things our way, and He is more than happy to rescue us because He always loves us. No matter how messy we are, if we believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead, and if we confess our failures, put our trust in Him, and commit to learning how to do life with Him, Jesus will forgive us and come through for us. I am living proof that God loves you no matter where you have been or what you have done, and He can change your life.

Before I go on, I also want to encourage parents to never stop praying for and talking with your kids. Be honest with them about where you fall short and where your own choices have taken you. I wish my mom had been more open about some of the things she went through at my age so that I could have been more open with her as I went through my hardships and the consequences of my actions. Most of all set a godly example with your own life that will not confuse your children when they go through hard times.

A Blast from the Past

To begin this week’s blog, I have to fill in some gaps from last week. I had always assumed that because I forgave the boys I slept with in high school, I wouldn’t have the pain from those encounters anymore. During one summer break from ministry college, however, I realized I was not only still hurting, I was terrified of running into the guys from my past. I lived and attended church in the same town in which I attended high school. It was a smaller town, and there was only one public high school for residents to attend so the possibility of seeing former classmates post-graduation was extremely high. At the time I had started dating my husband, Jackson. He was my first and only Christian boyfriend, he loved me and my family, and we had committed to honor God with our relationship. He also knew that I had baggage and had heard most of my story, just like everyone else had heard. But one day, my fear of a run-in came true while I was with Jackson, finally came true.

We had stopped at the local supermarket to gather things for a date at my mom’s house.  While walking down one of the aisles, I saw Damon; someone whom I had hooked up with on several occasions in high school.  Damon seemed just as afraid to see me, especially with another man.  He pressed his body into one of the shelves as he passed by us, trying to avoid brushing me as we passed each other.  By God’s grace, I grabbed Jackson’s hand,   smiled warmly towards Damon and said, “Hey, how are you?  Long time no see,” as if we were old pals.  As soon as Jackson and I stepped out of the supermarket and got into the car, my whole body began to violently shake and wouldn’t stop until we got to my mom’s house about 10 minutes later.  I began to cry, and Jackson asked me what was wrong.  I felt like God put it on my heart to share with him how I knew Damon and what I had experienced with him.  I even argued with God in front of Jackson like I was a crazy person, “Really?  Right now, God!  I don’t want to!”  Eventually, I shared the story and everything else I was going through to him.

Last week we talked about the moment in One Hot Mess’ life where she was in a painfully abandoned place (Click to Read).  Her father abandoned her and the boy who got her pregnant, broke up with her when she needed him the most. But we looked at Hagar in the book of Genesis who was also in a place of loneliness and fear, but instead of letting her run from her issues, God sent her right back.  One Hot Mess is going to come face to face with the things she thought she had buried, overcame and conquered but it would come where she least expected it.   

Therapy Fail and The Rebirth of Fear

Why do we fear?  What is the opposite of fear?  The opposite of fear is not bravery or courage because there are brave people who do things afraid (Click to Read Article).  True love cast out fear.  When love is present fear must depart.  OHM did not understand the love of God because she was seeing her new Father as her earthly father.  One who abandoned her and exhibited conditional love.  This baby was born to her as a gift from God to do everything over the way her parents should have done, but when she looked in the eyes of her baby girl, she saw the reflection of her past.  It was in this season her true feelings about God, herself and her past experiences surfaced.  

One Hot Mess had been living a lie her whole life, and now God was not allowing her to build a world with her new family but it wasn’t to help her run from her past but instead help her develop and grow from it.   Join us next week as she shares the truth she embraced.

Weekly challenge:

A World Alone

Have you ever created a world for yourself that is lonely, full of shame and isolation?  In the last two weeks, Click to read week one, Click to read week two we have been reading the testimony of a woman by the name of One Hot Mess (OHM).  Her parents did a great job of creating a world of lies, sprinkled with vague, empty promises.  The image that they tried to develop for OHM was crumbling fast.  So OHM created her own world and sadly it was no different than the one she previously lived.  Let’s continue reading her journey.

Truly Abandoned?

Fast-forwarding to when I was going on 17, for over a year I had been dating a boy from my class whom I loved madly.  He didn’t care about my past, and he loved me for me.  Then I found out I was pregnant.  My mom was extremely disappointed as this was my second pregnancy scare in less than a year, but this time was real.  Because she had experienced some difficult things in her own adolescent years, she was supportive of whatever decision I would choose regarding the baby.  When my dad found out, he was livid.  In his lowest parenting moment, he threatened to have nothing to do with me if I chose to keep it and urged me to have an abortion. I refused — that was the one conviction I wouldn’t break.  My dad refused to speak to me for several months.   During this time, my boyfriend showed his true colors.  He wasn’t ready to be a father, so he broke up with me.

One Hot Mess reminds me of a woman in the Bible.  She was a slave—had no choices for where she was at the time—and was used abused.  Hagar was an Egyptian owned by Abraham and Sarah.  Abraham and Sarah were wealthy Hebrews who received a Word from the Lord that they would have a child.  The problem was that both of them were way too old to have children.  We spoke about Hagar and Sarah in our Mangled Motherhood series. After ten years of waiting on God’s promise Sarah was not yet pregnant and came up with the idea of Hagar being the one to carry Abraham’s baby.  They believed that by having a child with this slave, it would fulfill the promise given by God.  Hagar had no say.  She was not given a chance to say her piece.  Hagar did have a son, but not too long after Sarah became pregnant as well and gave birth to a son as well.  Sarah now became vindictive over Hagar and her child.  She felt that as Abrahams wife her child should be the rightful heir to all Abraham possessed.  Hagar, however, felt that her son was the oldest and should be the heir.  Hagar started having an attitude toward Sarah and soon started attacking her verbally.  Sarah in return mistreated Hagar so severely that it caused her to be sent away.   Like OHM, Hagar was at a place where she had no family and no friends.  Hagar knew the feelings of being abandoned and alone, but Hagar and her baby weren’t truly abandoned.

Though I was abandoned by the men I loved most, God hadn’t abandoned me.  During the weeks after finding out I was pregnant I attend my church youth group faithfully because I realized I needed God.  Needing God is not what made me want to accept Jesus as my Savior.  I just knew that it was what had to be done. The popular song at youth group at the time was “How He Loves” and I heard that song often. The chorus repeats, “He loves us, Oh how He loves us.” Another part of the song says, “If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.” When I sang that song in church I finally understood: the reasons why  I even had the opportunity to ask God for help and ask Him for forgiveness.  After all the things I did and all the mess I got myself into, it did not remove me from His love because before I was even a thought on my parent’s minds — He died on the cross for me so that no sin or mistakes I would make, could keep me from having the opportunity of having a relationship with Him.  He loved me when every other man I loved in my life left me.   Jesus had predetermined to never stop loving me, even when I hurt Him by choosing to live without Him.  He really loved me — unconditionally. It was a no-brainer to let Him love me and commit my life to loving Him back.

In the wilderness, Hagar was unclear of where she belonged.  In the deadest time of her life, God spoke to her directly.  Hagar was one of the few women in the Bible that God spoke to directly.  God showed up in the wilderness and said,  “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.”  The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.”

God asked Hagar the same thing he asked One Hot Mess, and he asks us, “Where have you come from?”  I know OHM would say: shame, loneliness, vulnerability, false power, deception, lies, fear, insecurity, and so much more.  Then he asked, “Where are you going?”  If you notice, Hagar had an answer for the first question but not got the second one.  We can always tell God where we came from but can never answer where we are going.  Without God, we have no future.  But look at what God tells her to do, he doesn’t help her to go to a new place and start a whole new life.  He actually commands her to return to the position of shame, abuse and hurt.  Let’s see where God takes OHM.

The Turnaround

God’s love helped me to make big changes in how I saw my own worth. I also had joy and a peace that I hadn’t experienced before, even though my life was a wreck.  To me, loving God back meant choosing to obey Him, so I had every intention of keeping the baby.  I didn’t have a big altar call moment.  One night I prayed in my bedroom, “God I messed up.  Forgive me. Help me to become the best mother I can be.”  I didn’t know that His plan was to allow me to have a miscarriage.  On one of the scariest and most physically painful days of my life, I started to miscarry at school, and my mom had to pick me up early to take me to the ER.  It broke my heart, but I knew that losing my baby was also a second chance at life for me.  Ironically, my boyfriend and I had gotten back together right before I started to miscarry, but I knew we weren’t supposed to be together. Throughout our whole relationship, I had been trying to change him to be what I wanted, but he wasn’t who God wanted for me, and would never be.  Obeying God in my new life took some time, but I finally broke up with my boyfriend after graduation and remained celibate until I was married.

The summer after graduation, I went on to share my testimony at my church and then at a national Christian arts festival. The main speaker at the festival shared her story of being rescued from sex-trafficking and how she was set free by forgiving her abusers.  She challenged us to forgive the people who hurt us.  Her story really resonated with me, and I chose to forgive all of the guys I had slept with in high school.  I honestly believed I was free.

I wanted to share Jesus’ love with everyone, so I decided to go into ministry.  A few years later, I became a licensed pastor and married my true dream guy, my husband, Jackson, a godly man whom I never imagined I would attract or deserve.  We had a child together in God’s perfect timing, breaking the cycle of “children out of wedlock” in both of our families.  Our marriage has already lasted longer than both of our parents’ marriages combined.  I also went on to be the youngest and first female staff pastor in the history of the church I got saved in.  My husband and I still serve in ministry to this day.  All of this continues to flow out of my personal relationship with God.  The life I am living for Him is beyond what I could have ever asked for or imagined.

What Might Have Been

If Jesus didn’t save and change my life, I probably would have ended up as a stripper.  I know that road often leads to abusive relationships, drug addiction, the porn industry… all of which could have easily happened to me the way I was going.  I had dreams of being a professional dancer (before I was called to ministry), but I would have had a baby with my high school boyfriend or another guy I was seeing, so that would have been impossible.  With my age, my sudden financial need, and my low self-worth, I would have seen “exotic dancing” as an okay alternative for a “noble” reason.  If I had gotten married, I would’ve gotten divorced soon after because I had never had any real understanding of how to have a healthy relationship. Before ministry school, I had limited examples of a healthy marriage, and the ones I did observe were from a long distance, or they didn’t openly discuss with me how hard marriage can be for even the best couples. With that said, I know that a huge reason I am where I am today is that my mom made an effort to connect with me and was a praying woman despite (and possibly because of) all she was going through at the time.  I don’t think she would have allowed me to wander that far off, and I don’t take that for granted.  She loved me firmly, empathized with me when I needed her most, never gave up on me, and always believed that my life could turn around.  I later learned I had other Christian family members praying for me, and for that I am grateful — their prayers worked and are continuing to work.

Weekly Challenge

One Hot Mess has set the perfect stage for us to look at our life without God. If you were without Christ what would that look like? I pray that you take time to think about how Jesus turned your life around. In the meant time, watch this video and listen to the words of this song

Follow us on facebook and Instagram @throughthewinters. If you need additional help getting through some hard times, please email us at thruthewinters@gmail.com we would love to help you.

One Hot Messed Up World

What do you do when the world your parent’s tried to create for you crumbles around you?  You discover that everything about this world is a lie.  You thought that you were safe and that the place you were in was sturdy and indestructible; that the people in it were honest and committed.

Last week we met a new member of our writing team that we will call, One Hot Mess or (OHM) for short.  She shared with us part one of her testimony in week one where the world she found comfort and acceptance was now crumbling.  It began when she started going to a church and discovered that her parents had been living in sin her whole life.  They were never married and yet her father was an elder in the church.  Once she confronted them, it wasn’t long before they got married after 14 – 15 years of living together.  Then, not even three months after this long-awaited wedding, they gave up on the marriage and announced their decision to divorce.  It was during this time that OHM saw her world through new eyes and it hurt her dearly.  Her concept and understanding of “love” was based on what she saw before her; the father she thought she knew was not the protector that he presented himself to be.  

Nothing was real, so she went on a journey to find her own truth.  Everything that she thought was good, right and strong was now it’s viewed as evil, wrong and weak.  Let’s have her continue her story.

The Door to Self-Destruction

During this time I was dating a guy who was 17 while I was 14. He was not the kind of guy I wanted to introduce to my parents — he smoked cigarettes and weed and went to the alternative school due to the fact that he would throw chairs at teachers.  I was with him because he thought I was pretty and he made me feel special.  During one steamy make-out session, I stopped him and said, “You have to use protection.”  Sex was not his intention — I had told him I planned to remain a virgin until marriage — but in preparation for that “date” I changed my mind.  I made the decision that if no one could protect me, I would be in control of how I used my body before someone could take advantage of me.  I lost my virginity at 14 years old—8th grade.  Little did I know that that one decision would crack open the door to what would truly be the worst year of my life.

When one physical boundary is crossed, it’s so easy to cross another and another.  My relationship with that 17-year-old didn’t last through the summer, and I had no tears for him.  As a high school freshman, I moved on to a senior named Johnny.  Johnny liked me for more than just my body.  We enjoyed having intellectual conversations with each other.  I really liked him.  So when he started calling me “babe,” I assumed we were a couple.  I did things for Johnny sexually that I had told myself I would never do.  So, I told myself, “It’s okay, he’s my boyfriend.”  I assumed that to justify my actions and cope with the regret I felt, but I wasn’t really sure.  I decided to ask Johnny, “Are we dating?” 

He said, “No, I’m not ready for a relationship.”

I didn’t see that coming.  Because I was a “self-respecting” young woman, I “broke it off” with Johnny.  Since we were just friends, we needed to act like just friends.  Johnny didn’t like that.  To make matters worse, his friends made fun of him for being “dumped” by a freshman. 

In classic teenaged drama fashion, he took out his anger on one of my friends, so I texted him to tell him off.  We argued back and forth until finally, he threatened to tell the whole school the sexual things I did for him.  With a false ego, I said, “Go for it, they’ll probably see me as a Queen.” 

One Hot Mess was leaving the world her parents made of deception and delusion, but she created for herself a world filled with a whole new set of lies and illusions.  She set standards for herself that she would later lay down.  OHM put her standards aside for someone whom she thought would care for her.  She saw herself as a self-respected young woman, but her behavior showed differently.  She broke off a relationship where there was no connection.  

Is she different from us?  I know that humanity tends to create a world for themselves where they believe the lies that seem fitting to their standards.  They tell themselves lies like: “I’m in control”,  “I know what I am doing”,  “I’m doing what is best for me.”  When we lie to ourselves in these ways, we are heading right for danger and don’t know it.  OHM was about to face the unexpected all the while trying to keep her world together.

So the next day, Johnny went around the whole school showing everyone the text message I sent him.  I was officially labeled “Slut Queen” (profanity edited).

A Queen Without Honor

For the next several weeks, I would walk through the hallways at school and guys would shout “Slut Queen” as I passed by without teachers having any idea of what was going on. One guy called me a “female dog” after he followed me home from school because I wouldn’t give him my phone number.  I was depressed and caving in under the weight of these bullies.  So when Johnny approached me with what seemed like a chance to make peace with him, I agreed.  He asked me if I would perform the same sexual act for one of his friends for a certain amount of money.  I said yes.  I thought, “I can team up with him, and this will get him off my back.  This will stop him from totally destroying me.”  However, Johnny played me. 

After I did the deed, I got absolutely nothing.  He had not planned to uphold the terms of my service.  Instead, when I asked him about the money, he laughed at me as he and his friend walked away.  I was more worthless than worthless.  I never spoke to Johnny again, but what I did must have been degrading enough to satisfy his vengeance, so he left me alone.  However, because the “rumors” had spread, he was replaced with ravenous upperclassmen boys who stalked me between classes and at lunch, telling me I was “beautiful” and begging me for my number.  I learned very quickly that they were after one thing… It was a trick I fell into multiple times.  Later, I “befriended” one of Johnny’s friends, Damon, who opened the floodgates of a promiscuous hell for me until I was able to cut ties with him.  That would last through January of freshman year.

After a while, the guys were focused on graduating, and the gossip subsided, but I lost my friends, my dignity, and my grades in the process.  During the second half of freshman year, days before my 15th birthday, my parents divorced.  Around this time my mom, sister and I started going back to church.  That alone gave me an ounce of the hope that I remembered once having as a little girl, and it helped me to cut off the toxic relationships I was in.  I even started going to youth group and got baptized.  However, I was still just being religious, trying to clean myself up and clinging to what I needed in order to get through the war zone at school. 

One Hot Mess’ testimony mirrors many of the lives from the Bible.  Eve was deceived into thinking her one decision to eat the fruit would give her what she wanted.  Moses thought that if he killed the Egyptian, he could help free the Israelites.  David thought that by getting rid of Uriah (Bathsheba’s husband), he could cover up power raping and impregnating her.  Peter even thought that by denying to know Jesus he would be safe from getting persecuted.  The truth, however for all these people, including OHM, is that we never truly achieve what we hope until we learn to surrender our will to God.  The question now is, what would it take for One Hot Mess to get to this place?  Join us next week as we continue her journey.

Weekly Challenge:

Are you making decisions that mirror the lies you are believing?  Are you lying to yourself that you are in control, or maybe you feel like your decisions are only affecting you?  Take out a journal and be honest with God about the areas that you need to confront and give to God.  Honor God in your decisions and see him put your world back together.

If you are struggling with life choices and need help, contact Bedrock Ministries.  Bedrock is a counseling ministry that will help walk you through this painful season.

Meet One Hot Mess

Lies I love finding people and whose stories allow for others to understand that God is in the business of restoring and rebuilding lives.  Sometimes restoration means facing the lies we have created in our crumbling world.  

We are blessed to have our newest blogger.  Due to the depth of her story and the others involved, we will not be able to reveal her identity to protect those closest to her so, for now, we are going to be calling her, “One Hot Mess” or (OHM) for short. For the whole month of July, she will be sharing her mistakes and failures.  OHM will not only be telling the parts of her story that she has testified to before but what she has never spoken of till this month.  Let’s meet her.

Hello, Through the Winters family, my name is One Hot Mess.  My family and I are in full-time ministry and are blessed to be able to call the Winters our mentors.  I am also a survivor of sexual trauma.  When I was in high school, my “friends” literally treated me like a prostitute, but I overcame this time in my life because of Jesus Christ and the people He placed in it.

When Marsha asked me to share my story here on the blog, I was honored!  She is one of the main people who God used to help me to find healing from what I experienced as a teenager.  I’ve confidently shared most of this part many times at different church events, but I left out some of the details because of shame.  I didn’t realize that those parts make my story even more victorious, so today I am sharing some of the many details publicly for the first time.  I am going to share the unexpectedly difficult aftermath of my new life in Christ, how God showed me where I wasn’t fully healed, and how He expedited the healing process from the pain and anxiety of my past.  I hope that my story will help any of you who have gone through similar situations to find your own freedom in Christ through these blogs throughout the month.  

“Perfect” Childhood?

As a child, I thought I had a perfect life.  I was a black girl with two parents who lived together and who had respectable professions.  I was a daddy’s girl and had siblings I adored.  I excelled in school to the point of being accepted into prestigious programs all throughout my elementary and secondary education.  Though I grew up in the “ghetto”, my parents raised us as if we didn’t.  I had no idea that the young men who hung out on the corner were drug dealers, that some of our neighbors were alcoholics, or that my best friend’s brother got into some trouble with the law.  My dad treated homeless people as if they were his buddies so I knew many of them by name.  My friends and I rode our bikes around the block unsupervised and without any fear.  I had been sheltered from the bitterness of the real life that was happening around me.

I realized my family had flaws when I was about ten years old.  My father became the deacon at the church our family started to attend regularly.  I remember sitting in Sunday School, and my children’s pastor taught about the Ten Commandments.  The one that stood out to me was, “Do not commit adultery.”  My pastor explained that in the New Testament, adultery wasn’t just cheating on your spouse but also, if you had lust for another person, had sex outside of marriage, or even separated from your spouse to be with someone else, that counted as adultery.  That’s when I realized my parents had been living in sin!  You see, my parents had never been married.  My dad had separated from his first wife, my brother’s mom, several years before he started a relationship with my mom. But they never married, so my sister and I were born out of wedlock.  When I went home from church that day, I confronted my parents with what I had learned in church, “You committed adultery!” I shouted, pointing my finger at them.  My mother looked shocked. “No,” was all she said in response.  This was the beginning of my confused perspective of Christianity.  However, because I had childlike faith, I held on to the teachings of the Bible, and I had also resolved to remain a virgin until marriage.

One Hot Mess started to see that the life she knew wasn’t as perfect as what her parents were serving up.   They had created a world for themselves full of lies and sin and brought these two girls into it.  But when you are introduced to the truth, Jesus, the very lies you tell yourself start to fall apart (John 14:6, John 14:17).  OHM needed to find out the truth for herself, and that was a journey in which her parents wouldn’t be able to manipulate.

Flaws In My Faith

My faith journey was separate from that of my parents.  I loved church so, naturally, I wanted to become a member… at 11 years old!  Our senior pastor started a junior membership class for students like me.  I also remember going to visit my aunt in Atlanta and going to church there.  The pastor gave an altar call, and I felt compelled to go forward and pray the “sinner’s prayer.”  I was hungry for God, but I didn’t understand what it meant to be a Christian.  My journals at the time were occupied with fear-filled prayers like, “God forgive me for this,” and  “forgive me for that.”   I was very religious, but I didn’t have a relationship with God.

When I was 13, we moved to a new state, and my faith was challenged for the first time.  My dad finalized his divorce from his first wife, and my parents decided to have a surprise courthouse wedding.  I was so proud of them for finally obeying God, but the joy was short-lived.  A few months after the long-awaited wedding, my parents sat my sister and I down and told us that they were separating.  It didn’t make any sense.  “Did you pray about this?” I cried.  My parents had nothing to say to me.  That day, I started to doubt God.

I prayed for my parents to stay together; however, things became worse.  Though they were separated, they still lived together and slept in the same room.  My parents fought more than I had ever seen them fight.  Each of them talked to me about the other in ways that hurt me.  My mom was angry and told me things about my dad I didn’t want to know.  My dad, who also had a new girlfriend at the time, often said things to me like, “I miss your mom,” and, “You know I love her more than I love you.”  In my mind, the fact that he loved her and was with someone else was a gross contradiction.  The fact that he loved her more than me, but he still left her completely broke my heart.  That meant I wasn’t good enough to keep my dad around. He had left me too. 

Have you ever watched an infomercial of a random kitchen appliance or backyard tool that over promises and under delivers?  This period was a season of OHM’s life where there were promises made that were never fulfilled.  Her father advertised love in a way that would allow the enemy into One Hot Mess’ life to deceive, trap and imprison her.  He presented a love that was uncommitted, hurtful and fickle.  Sadly this was love full of lies.  It was full of cheating and abandonment.  

I avoided going home right after school because the painful tension lingered in my house. While hanging out at my sister’s after school program, I faced another test of my faith.  One of the teachers at my sister’s school made inappropriate advances toward me that I thought were completely innocent until he began texting me as “more than a friend” and kissed me in ways no boy ever had.  I was mortified.  When I told my parents, my dad’s reaction was so passive I thought he didn’t care.  I thought fathers were supposed to kill for their daughters, but my mom was the one who cussed and threatened as my dad just talked to the teacher’s supervisor.  That wasn’t enough for me.  From that point, I made up my mind that I had to protect myself.  My dad wouldn’t defend me, and God let it happen, so I decided to take my life into my own hands.

Weekly Challenge:

Based on One Hot Mess’ story, I wonder, what kind of world have we created for our kids?  Are we raising them in the center of lies and hoping that they won’t notice?  It’s like giving birth in a heap of elephant dung and praying for your child doesn’t get any on them.  If you are the parent of a minor, think about the world you have built around them.  Is it honest, is it safe?  Can they thrive or will they only live to survive? Take the time to watch this video by Jimmy Evans. He shares the keys to creating an honest family. After  the video if you need additional help please feel free to email us, also comment below and start a conversation.

My Fault But Your Consequence

What happens when someone else’s sin becomes your consequence?  You put your trust in that person, but their choices leave you in a desperate place.  In these last three weeks, we have been talking about fatherhood.  In Week One we spoke of a generation of men who were not able to attain a better life because all their fathers gave up on God.  Not one father gave up on God, but a whole generation of fathers—numbering into the hundreds of thousands.  

For this reason, the children of these faithless fathers needed to place themselves in a vulnerable situation but they were able to get what God had for them.  This week sounds the same, but it’s not.  This time there was no happy ending.

This story can be found in Joshua 6 and 7 Click to read.

 Achan did all that he could to cover his children and his wife as rocks were being thrown at him and his family by a mob of almost 2 million people.  One rock hit his leg then another hit his face, but those rocks did not hurt as much as the ones hitting his daughters and his sons.  He was wrong but his family—his kids in particular—did not deserve to be stoned.    If he could rewind time, I’m sure that he would do things completely different.

Let’s go back to the time when the children of Israel were living in the wilderness for 40 years.  The Israelites were finally going to trust God and do what was necessary to go into the promised land but not until they faced some of the strongest enemies ever.  With God’s assistance, they were able to overcome their enemies, but God had one request. Joshua 6 

18 But you, keep yourselves from the things devoted to destruction, lest when you have devoted them you take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel a thing for destruction and bring trouble upon it. 19 But all silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord.”

It was commanded that silver and gold, and other vessels obtained in the raid, would only go to God but there was one man that decided to do something different…Achan.   Look at the first verse in chapter 7

1 But the people of Israel broke faith in regard to the devoted things, for Achan the son of Carmi, son of Zabdi, son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, took some of the devoted things. And the anger of the Lord burned against the people of Israel.

Unbeknownst to Joshua, their leader, he sent out the Israelites to fight another set of enemies and Achan’s act of greed and disobedience caused thirty-six men their lives that day.   What Achan took did not belong to him, and he knew it because he hid it; now the Israelites were paying for it.

That’s Not Yours!

Isn’t that still our problem?  We are continually putting our hands on things that don’t belong to us, and other people are paying for it.  From the beginning of time, the first two people on earth were given the whole planet to explore and make their own.  Adam and Eve were allowed to have anything, eat from any of the hundreds—maybe even thousands—of trees; however there was one that they were told not to eat from.  They ate from that tree and proved that humanity would struggle for the rest of their existence with wanting and taking what does not belong to them.  I don’t know how many men there are that would admit that God has given them a woman to live life with, healthy children, a decent paying job but lack the ability to enjoy what they have.  There is that desire to venture out of the borders given, and go after what does not belong to them.

I use to drive for Uber, and one day I picked up a man that I had only heard of.  He was a guy that I heard people speak about but never thought that kind of person existed.  On this Uber pick up, this passenger that was in his mid 50’s a little on the thick side and lacked any attractive qualities.  He was on his way to the international airport. I asked him how he was doing and he said not good.  I didn’t want to press him, but he went on to say that his wife was not happy about the trip he was taking.  We talked about surface things a little more, and then I asked him where he was going on his trip, and he said to Korea to see his fiancée.  (I did everything I could not to look surprised but did he say, fiancée?)  So he went on to say that he met a woman online from Korea and for the last 6 MONTHS…the long distant relationship was terrific; so terrific that he purposed to her.  He stated that this was his second time in Korea meeting this woman.  He had all plans on marrying her and bring her into the states.  

The first trip he went he paid for a birthday party for the woman’s one-year-old child and got to meet her whole family.  At this party, they told him that this woman was only a teenager.  I asked him how his wife is taking all this.  He went on to say to me that he knows his wife is upset but he told her that he was done with her.  I asked what made him say that and he said she got fat.  She used to be thin, but she gained so much weight that he lost interest.  As we continued to talk, he said his wife has to know he is in a relationship with someone else cause this was not the first time he cheated on her.  He felt like his wife was in lala land because when he first met her, he told her he was into Asian women and thin ones.  She saw due to her gaining weight from having their two children; he was going to move on and find someone else to fulfill his desires.   

When You Have Everything

Man (women and men) convince themselves over and over again that even though they have much, there is more out there.  Achan was finally out of the wilderness.  We are not sure how old he was, but it is fair to say that he was either a baby when they started that 40-year journey or that he was born there, but it was definite that his children were born in that place.    So how much more could he ask for to be in a position of promise?  He never took from God in the wilderness when there was a lack of everything but manna and quail.  Now when there was an abundance, he took silver and hid it.  Look what happened after.

 11 Israel has sinned; they have transgressed my covenant that I commanded them; they have taken some of the devoted things; they have stolen and lied and put them among their own belongings.

So look at the consequence of this sin after they found out that it was Achan…

24 Then Joshua and all Israel with him, took Achan the son of Zerah, the silver, the [royal] robe, the bar of gold, [g]his sons, his daughters, his oxen, his donkeys, his sheep, his tent, and everything that he had; and they brought them up to the Valley of Achor (Disaster). 25 Joshua said, “Why have you brought disaster on us? The Lord will bring you disaster this day.” Then all Israel stoned them [to death] with stones; afterward they burned their bodies in the fire. 

So I have to ask, have you ever allowed your greed or envy to bring to surface your inner selfishness?  Sometimes as parents we are making a decision that we think is best for our family and us but it is rooted in something else.  Fathers have the weight to provide and care for the needs of our family, but many selfish acts start off with good intention.  Maybe you have had very good intentions, but the results have yielded you a result that you were not expecting.  It could also be that you have been a victim of a parent’s wrong choice.  Clearly you weren’t stoned or burned by a mob of people, but you could’ve been found faced with a life of pain because of greed, envy or other wrong choices.  

Whatever the case, God is in the business of restoring you.  We are serving a Father who sent his only Son to die on the cross so that we don’t have to receive the punishment—nor our children—that is so deserved to us.  Yes, we experience consequences, but God can use our biggest mistakes, our life full of pain and bring you back to a place of strength and restoration.  The only way that can happen is if we admit to God that we cannot run our lives on our own.  We must confess the things that we have done to get ourselves here and then submit our will and ways to his.  Once we do that we can go step by step in living our life in the land of promise and leave faulty fatherhood behind.

If you need help in any way, contact us through email and let us help you.  You can also start a conversation on the bottom or leave a comment.

When a Father Drops His Pride

What does it look like when a father let’s go of his pride and allows himself to be vulnerable before God to save his child?  I think that one of the most precious things in the world is when a man admits his weakness in any given area and asks for help.  Being a man in this day and age doesn’t give way to vulnerability or weakness.  It has been stated that 75% of children in America are fatherless, why is that?  Not all fathers leave for the same reasons.  I know that sometimes fathers don’t feel they lend anything to their families, so they abandon them.  Many feel like failures, useless and incompetent in their role.   For the last two weeks, we have been talking about the things that we do that damage our children’s chances for a vibrant future like shooting promising things we can’t deliver and not preparing our kids for a healthy relationship with God.  There is one father who was at a very vulnerable time of his life, and he couldn’t allow his manhood and self-image to stand between him and his child’s life.   Jesus meet this father in a desperate state of need.

This story is found in Mark 9 Click to read and because there are some gaps I am going to use creative license to fill in the gaps.

Over 2000 years a man who remains nameless has been suffering as he watches his son in pain.  His son was not fighting some disease or was nursing a severe wound.  It was humbling to say, but his child was possessed with a demon since he was a child.  It was possible his son was in his 20’s or older at this time.  This condition was getting worse.  That demon would rear it’s head randomly and when it did, it would growl, causing his son to foam at them the mouth and kept the boy from ever being able to speak.  It had been years since he heard his son’s voice call his name.  His son skin and face was disfigured because on more than one occasion this demon tried to kill the son by throwing him into fires.  As a father, what could he do?  There was no hope for his boy, so he thought.  It was only a matter of time before this demon was successful in destroying his boy.  Had he failed his son?  Was this his fault?  Did this man opened a door for this demon to come in?  None of these questions are answered.  

In his most hopeless state, he may have gotten wind of the story of a gentile woman who came to a man called Jesus for help when her own daughter was possessed with a demon (Mark 7:24-30).  The story goes on to say that Jesus cured her by just saying she was healed.  This Jesus did not leave the party he was at, all he did was say the word.  How was he supposed to believe something so absurd?  Could a mere man just say the word and get rid of the demon sleeping in the room next door?  This man was wrestling with the impossible and the hopelessness that was consuming him.  He knew that the very idea of his son being free of this spirit was impossible, but he had to try.

This man went on a journey to find this Jesus.  He asked everyone and they brought him and his son to Jesus’ disciples.  Where was Jesus?  Apparently, Jesus had gone on a trip with Peter, James, and John for the past 6 days.  The disciples decided to exercise the same faith that they saw Jesus use when issues like this came to his feet.  They prayed and prayed and prayed but nothing changed, and all it did was confirm to him that this condition was going only to end when the demon took his son’s life.  Just as he was going to give up, Jesus appeared. 

Warranted Unbelief

The crowd was irate because of the failed attempt to remove this powerful demon.  Jesus calmed them down and asked what was wrong.  They explained the man’s situation and the disciple’s inability to remove the spirit successfully.  

Vs. 17-18 “Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. 18 And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.”    

How hard is it to take a step of faith and trust in God just for it to yields nothing?  It is hard to put your guard down and believe in the impossible.  Is there something in your life that you know you can’t change unless God steps in?  Maybe you don’t have a son throwing himself into fire or who is gritting his teeth, but perhaps you have an impossible situation that you can’t do on your own.  For many years I had a family member that was battling with her identity.  She was convinced that she was not worthy of anyone’s love and made very destructive decisions.   On several occasions, she cut herself and even tried to commit suicide.  She was battling with her own personal demons, leaving her struggling with anxiety, sleepless nights and deep depression.  As a family, we were so broken because at any time her mom could walk into her room to see her daughter dead.  Her destructive behavior also brought on the fear that she could fall into the hands of a predator.  Her mother prayed to God, but those in the church did nothing for her.  They spent more time picking apart her daughter’s motives instead of scooping her daughter up and loving her through it.  

So what did my family member and this father do?   They bypassed those who could not get the job done and admit their own struggles.  Look at what the man said in vs. 22-23, 

… if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” 23 And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” 

If you can do anything have compassion, help us!!! That is the words of many desperate parents.  We need God to have compassion and give our child some relief.  Just HELP US!! How heartbreaking is it to watch your child/ren in pain and can’t do anything about it?  This man knew that what he was asking from Jesus was impossible, so did Jesus.  He reassured him that ALL things are possible for those who believe.   As a father in an impossible situation, there is one thing that this man needs in order to get his miracle…to have faith.  Faith was the one thing this father did not have, so look at the father’s response.

Help My Unbelief

24 Immediately the father of the child cried out[d] and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

How can you believe but have unbelief?  Well, I know that there are some that believe for others but can’t believe for themselves.  My family member prayed for many others in difficult situations but at times, lost heart when it came to her daughter.  We can turn around and look at our situation and see the impossibilities, so fear surfaces.  You feel so helpless, but it doesn’t have to be that way.  If you need wisdom, love, understanding, or belief to get through your situation, God will give it to you freely.  

“You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” 26 And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, “He is dead.” 27 But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose.

Jesus spoke to that demon, and according to the scriptures, he cried out and convulsed so severely that everyone thought he was dead.  Things may look like they are getting worse before they get better.  My family member continued to believe, and with her belief came resistance from her daughter and a horrible suicide attempt.  It was as if my family member had finally lost her daughter like this father thought his son was dead, but something else was happening.  You have to know that there may be a fight like never before, there may be a shaking in your situation that seems like the worst has taken place, but that is not so.  What other’s define as death is actually the answer to prayer but Jesus will bring life to the situation and hope will arise.  

This boy arose, and so did my family member.  

One memorable day my family member walked into her daughter’s room to find her daughter in the center of God’s love; God had gotten a hold of her.  Her daughter was overcome with so much of God’s presence that she could barely move.  The love of God was so powerful that everything that her daughter was battling with surfaced.  For hours her daughter was weighed down by the love unending, and it was that unexpected moment that set her free from her demons that had kept her bound.  For the first in several months, she was able to sleep; she was able to stop her medication for anxiety and depression.  She was able to see how much God loved her, that day she gave her heart to the Lord and had never looked back. 

Weekly Challenge:

Are you good at believing for others but can’t believe for yourself?   Take some time this week and see if there is an area of your life that you have lost faith.  What do you need God to help you to believe for?

Start a conversation below or email us separately for additional help.  Follow us on Facebook and Instagram @throughthewinters.     

Rejected Warrior

Do we understand the God we are serving?  Do we serve God the way we work for our boss?  Do we serve God the same commitment we have towards our spouse?  Do we serve God the same way we revere our distant earthly father?  There is a father in the Bible that puzzles me even though I have read his story quite a few times.  One has to question what kind of God he thought he was serving because he makes a foolish mistake and it is a mistake that many fathers do as well as mothers.

His story can be found in Judges 11 and 12, but his mistake can be found in 11. Click to read.

Jephthah was a mighty man and was known for being a very powerful warrior for his time.  Before he was seen as a warrior, he was only seen as the son of a prostitute.  It appeared that his father had sex with a prostitute and brought Jephthah home to be raised by his wife.  When Jephthah’s grew up, his half-brothers drove out Jephthah and told him he would not have any part of their father’s inheritance.  He ran from his brothers and found a place to live and train.  This place of exile was the location he found the warrior in himself.  Not too long after, enemies came into the land and started to devour the land, so the Israelites turned to the outcast, Jephthah.  They asked if he could be their leader and after much talk and groveling on the parts of the brothers, Jephthah agreed to lead them and fight for them.

Big Mouth

He defeated the Amorites mercilessly and was successful in keeping the Israelites safe but here is where the foolishness comes in.  Jephthah wanted to obliterate the Ammonites so bad that he made a vow to God.  Look what he said in 11:30-31

 30 And Jephthah made a promise to the Lord and said, “If you give the Ammonites into my hand, 31 then whatever[a] comes out from the doors of my house to meet me when I return in peace from the Ammonites shall be the Lord’s, and I will offer it[b] up for a burnt offering.”   

Did you read that correctly?  This judge, this leader of the chosen people, promised that if God would give him the victory, whatever comes out of the doors of his HOUSE he would BURN for God???  Now from my knowledge, dogs were not accustomed to living in the houses at that time, goats, sheep, cows—all the things that were typically used in burnt offerings—lived on the land in the field, not in someone’s home.  So one has to question what was he expecting to “come out and meet him?”

This is where we all get ourselves in trouble.  When we want something from God, so we spew out these vows that we don’t have any idea what it will honestly cost us.  We want God to fulfill his part but we are not ready to fulfill ours.  The other truth is that we do not fear God, we don’t reverence him enough.  Look at Ecclesiastes 5: 

Don’t shoot off your mouth, or speak before you think.
Don’t be too quick to tell God what you think he wants to hear.
God’s in charge, not you—the less you speak, the better.

3 Overwork makes for restless sleep.
Overtalk shows you up as a fool. (MSG)

When we are in a bind we say things like:

“God if you get me out of this one then…”, Or, “ God if this person comes to church with me then I’ll…”, also, “If you heal me then I promise I’ll never…”  This list goes on and on.  We make vows to God that sound good till you see what it’s going to cost you.  Sadly, we break our word cause the cost is more than you can pay.  

Jephthah would learn this the hard way.  God did his part and delivered the Ammonites into the Israelites hands; they were victorious, and it was time to go home in peace.  

Vs. 34 of Judges 11 says

34 Then Jephthah came to his home at Mizpah. And behold, his daughter came out to meet him with tambourines and with dances. She was his only child; besides her he had neither son nor daughter. 35 And as soon as he saw her, he tore his clothes and said, “Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low, and you have become the cause of great trouble to me. For I have opened my mouth to the Lord, and I cannot take back my vow.”

To everyone’s surprise–including Jephthah– his pride and joy, his only daughter came out to greet him.  You see, this did not make sense, what else was he expecting to come out the door but a human?  Our God detests human sacrifice so this vow was not a reflection of what God wanted, but it was a reflection of his lack of relationship with God.  If he indeed knew the God he served, he would know that God would never require or want that.  Now his young, unmarried daughter was going to sacrificed for no reason.  

Jephthah made a mistake in thinking that God was like the pagan gods of his enemies was demanding, unmerciful and lacked compassion. He went ahead and burnt his daughter in a sacrifice even though God did not require it.  

I Don’t Want That Kind of Love

Deut 12:4 God asks that we are to never serve him as the pagans worship their god.  What does that mean? It’s like a woman who was in an abusive relationship relating to her new loving husband as she did to her abuser.  She did things out of fear that he would hit her, or take something away from her or put her down.  His foolishness cost his daughter her life, and she was all he had.   She doesn’t do things for her new husband out of love but out of fear.  When she makes a mistake, she tries to make things better not because she is sorry but because she dreads the consequence.  So God says to us, do not treat me like those other abusive gods.  

This is why if you have a distorted view of your earthly father then you will see God with the same attributes.  If your father abused you, lacked empathy, talked down to you or abandoned you,  you will come to church and do things with your earthly father’s image in the background.    

Also, ask yourself, has your father made foolish mistakes that you ultimately had to pay for?  Are there things that you had to endure because your father didn’t understand the weight of his decision? Can you recover from it?  Absolutely.  I am living proof that even if your parents made the worst mistakes, God could reverse it.  It will not be easy but all God needs is your willingness to undo whatever it takes.  Maybe you are the father making the mistakes.  Jephthah was not purposely trying to harm his daughter; he was just more driven to win that he didn’t realize he was losing.  It is crucial for you to stop and think about the consequences of your success.  

Weekly Challenge:

Do you love God but don’t know how to serve him the way he wants? Take some time this week and look at what areas of your relationship with God need to be fixed or could improve.  Is it possible the some of the areas that you are struggling with is due to your negative experiences with a father figure? Ask for forgiveness and seek to get answers on some things you have to change so that you are not serving God in a way he doesn’t desire.

Also, read Ecclesiastes chapter 5 and admit any habits you have of vowing or promising things you are unable to deliver.

We would also encourage you to purchase the book, “Be a Better Dad Today”, by Gregory Slayton.  There are so many things we don’t know.  It is a very enlightening book.  Just go to our homepage and click the link to go directly to purchase the book.

If you need additional help, email us at thruthewinters@gmail.com or start a conversation below.  Follow us on Facebook and Instagram @throughthewinters

Why do some believers have a problem overcoming some of their biggest hurdles? In this month’s Vlog we share about our new, long-anticipated book “The Threshing: The Making’s of a Soldier.” We talk about the different weapons God gave us to overcome and the obstacles and challenges that we face. We must see this walk as war and that we are in a battle with God as our Commanding Officer.

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Before the Panther Takes the Throne

What do you do when your father sets you up for failure? The movie Black Panther was one of the best superhero stories–with a black man as the lead hero–that I had ever seen. Let me tell you a little bit about it in case you haven’t seen it yet without ruining it for you.  T’Challa (Black Panther) and his father were from the African nation of Wakanda. Sadly, his father died in America after being attacked unexpectedly, so now as the prince of his country, he must now prove he is worthy of becoming the new king. There is one scene that is so powerful for me. According to the Wakanda custom, T’Challa must fight any challenger from the tribes before taking the throne. All decline to challenge but one. After he wins, T’Challa must do a ceremony where he is placed unconscious to face some of his fears and insecurities. In a dream he sees his father and they talk. In this dialogue, T’Challa admits his feelings of weakness and the inability to take his rightful place as the leader of the tribes. He goes on to say that he wished he didn’t have to take on such a roll without his father. The father asks T’Challa a question… “Have I ever failed you?” to which T’Challa answers, “Never. I want to be a good king like you.”

As the movie develops, it is discovered that his father made one wrong decision and this decision would haunt T’Challa for the remainder of the film. His father made one of the worst choices of his life, and now everything that they both worked for was going to be destroyed unnecessarily. The Black Panther is almost brought to his death when his father’s unwise choice comes right to T’Challa’s front door. T’Challa survives the challenge, and in his time of healing, he has another vision with his father. This time the conversation is very different. He asked his father “WHY!!!” He wanted to know why made the secret choices without thinking through the consequence. T’Challa’s father says that his mistake was the truth that he chose to omit. T’Challa could not rest until he corrected the wrong his father had created. He had to make it right. It was many years later after his father’s initial mistake, but T’Challa’s answer to his father’s question changed when the truth was discovered “Have I ever failed you?”, the answer was really, “yes.”

Fathers Who Failed

Most of this week’s study is found in the book of Joshua chapter 5
Has your father ever failed you? Are you failing your children right now? In scripture, there existed a whole nation of T’Challas. They were a generation of fatherless men who were supposed to step into their rightful place of promise but couldn’t because their fathers made a grave mistake that almost cost them their lives. In the books of Exodus-Deuteronomy, we meet a group of men who were enslaved for most of their lives by the Pharaohs of Egypt. For many years they were beaten, battered and abused, until one day God said it was time for them to be set free and brought into a land He had promised their ancestors.

Shortly after God set the nation of Israel free from their Egyptian captors, they turned from helpless, vulnerable, pitiful slaves into murmuring, complaining, unbelieving, disobedient, and ungrateful people.

For this reason look what the Bible says in Joshua 5:6-7
6 For the people of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, until all the nation, the men of war who came out of Egypt, perished, because they did not obey the voice of the Lord; the Lord swore to them that he would not let them see the land that the Lord had sworn to their fathers to give to us, a land flowing with milk and honey. 7 So it was their children, whom he raised up in their place,

Every man (except Joshua and Caleb) that was 21 years and older was forced to stay in the wilderness until they died because God was not going to give unbelieving, disobedient murmurers the new land. For this reason, God gave the land to their children.  Sadly, God has had to do the same thing over and over again. I believe that there are quite a few readers, who have had fathers that couldn’t see past their desires, fears, and insecurities. Maybe it was because of their doubt and disbelief that you never saw them reach for something more. They may have made attempts to claw the walls for more but yet always hit rock bottom. I know this may not be every case, but I’ve seen it many times where people try to go about new adventures and sacrifices, but they do it within their means expecting God to bless their way, but never seeking His approval. So now it’s your turn, what are you going to do?

The Israelite sons were smarter than their fathers. Look at what they told Joshua after he took charge of them after Moses,
16 And they answered Joshua, “All that you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go. 17 Just as we obeyed Moses in all things, so we will obey you. Only may the Lord your God be with you, as he was with Moses! 18 Whoever rebels against your commandment and disobeys your words, whatever you command him, shall be put to death. Only be strong and courageous.” Joshua 1:16-18

So, they were inches away from receiving the reward of freedom and possess a land flowing with milk and honey, when God brought up something. They could not possess the land yet. The children of Israel were descendants of Abraham in the book of Genesis. When God appeared to Abraham he promised Abraham that he would give Abraham so many children that they would be like stars in the sky and the sands of the sea. You can click to read the challenge he faced in our Mangled Motherhood series. One of the ways God wanted every father to add their sons to the covenant—almost like a tattoo—was to circumcise them at eight days old. God asked every father who was a descendant of Abraham to circumcise every son they had. (please don’t ask why that was the symbol and not something like an eyebrow piercing. Personally, I would have done something like that, it’s fancier and you can get different ones to go with your outfit…Okay, I went off track). Without the circumcision of a male, they were not considered a part of God’s plan or promise. God demonstrated the danger of this when he almost killed Moses’ sons shortly after Moses experienced the burning bush, Exodus 4:24-25.

Now the children of Israel are about to attack their enemies and take the land God designed for them, but there was one problem look at Joshua 5 verse 5
5 Though all the people who came out had been circumcised, yet all the people who were born on the way in the wilderness after they had come out of Egypt had not been circumcised.

Two Miles Behind the Starting Line

Sometimes when we are in a place of pain and struggle we hold on to hope more. We are so desperate for that dream, but when we realize what it will take for that dream to come true, we lose that hope and become lazy, unmotivated and fickle in our ways. Israel’s problem was that they lacked the commitment needed to live in their dream so they giving up. The problem with a father that quits, is he essentially giving birth to the next generation in a place of defeat. It’s almost like starting your child two miles behind the starting line for a race and demanding them to win.

These men, essentially reared their children behind the starting line because they felt there was no hope of ever getting to the promise land. So what happens when you are raised in a home of hopelessness? When God shows up and wants to give you what he promises, you must do what your father was not able to.

T’Challa thought the day he sat on the throne he was rightfully king and walked as a king. He did not know that his first fight would be to face a mistake his father made years before. It cost him the loss of childhood friendships and the death of those who were loyal to him. He was 2 miles behind the starting line that he was forced to conquer. Some of us are in the same position but there is a God who loves the heart of fighters. We see the challenge and run towards the mark instead of talking about the disadvantages.

Anyone can read this and not understand what was taking place. The WHOLE NATION of fighting men and children are totally incapacitated, not for a few days…but for 2-3 WEEKS!! That meant that if their enemies found out that they were planning to raid their land, the whole Israelite nation could have been whipped out in one quick swoop. Joshua, his friend Caleb and a small number that were too young to fall under the judgment of God, left the original group that could fight. Maybe about 75% of over 600,000 men, needed to right the wrongs of their fickle fathers.

Will righting the wrongs of your family leave you exposed? Maybe you needed to make peace with an angry family member that wants nothing to do with you because of your parent’s behavior. Maybe you need to fight for financial stability because your father raised you in poverty and made unwise financial choices. It could also be that your father battled with some form of addiction—alcoholism, drugs, sex—and you are now doing everything you can to not fall victim to those things. Maybe you are alone because your father’s lack of obedience as removed him from your life. The struggles could be endless.

My favorite quote in the movie is this, “You cannot let your father’s mistakes determine who you are.” You are the one who is left with the choice, do you want to remain in the wilderness and die with your father, or are you willing to right the wrong and be vulnerable in the hands of God? It is easier to just die in the wilderness—that way you are not required to be any more than you already are—but if you right the wrong, you must learn to trust God in a way that you never witnessed before. This is a trust that leaves you exposed, helpless, and paralyzed.

Weekly Challenge:

Take a moment and think about the wrong must you right and make realistic steps to fix it? Leave a message below to start a conversation or email us for additional help.  Follow us on Facebook and Instagram @throughthewinters.

Mommy’s Big Plans

What defines success for you and your children? Is it living comfortably in the Hamptons, living in a mortgage free house making six figures or is it attaining that Doctorate from Princeton?  Is success for your children indicative of them being showered with the approval and acceptance of others?  Do you want them sitting in the seat of power and authority? I know when I was growing up I wanted to be a pediatrician or a cardiologist.  I don’t know why but I desired to go after those things.  My mother wanted that for me, and so she found out that the desires of a ten-year-old changes when they turn 17.  Her plan for my life and even, my plan for my life, was changed when I got a hold of the truth.

We’ve been talking about Mangled Motherhood these last three weeks “Waiting For My Miracle”, “A Mother Who Never Wanted Rescuing”, and “See Our Children For Who They Are”.   This week challenges all of us to look at success and life through God’s eyes.  We have no idea what we are asking for when we chase prestige and acceptance for our little ones.  This last week’s mother urges Jesus to give her something that she would later thank God he never fulfilled. 

They Can Do It

This story is found in Matthew 20:20-28; which tells the story of the mother of two of Jesus’ disciples, James and John; later we find out her name is Salome.  Some people never put together that Salome was her name but look at Matthew 27:56 and Mark 16:1-3.  Mark is the only gospel that mentions her by name.  Salome became a follower of Jesus and, like everyone else, thought that Jesus’ presence on earth was to destroy the Roman Rule and take his rightful place on earth as King.  Her name is more familiar as one of the women at the cross in Mark 15:40 and in Mark 16:1 as one of the women who went to the tomb to anoint Jesus’ body after he died.  She saw the power of this 33-year-old Messiah and knew that he would be more significant than his great, great, great, great, great—maybe a few more greats—grandfather David.  She believed in his power and so she wanted to secure a place for her boys.  In Matthew 20

Vs. 21 she goes to Jesus, and he asks her what she wants as if he did not know.

She gives one of the most audacious answers ever…  

“Say that these two sons of mine are to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your kingdom.”  

Now, she is not having a private conversation; this was earshot of the other disciples.  What made her two sons better than the other disciples?  Wasn’t  Peter the one Jesus said he was going to give him the keys of heaven to so he can bind and loose in heaven and earth Matthew 16?  

Have you ever met a mother like that?  ARE YOU a mother like that?  You feel like your child should be the front ballerina, or the child that should sing the lead in the Christmas play, or should never be benched in a football game?  We are supposed to dream big for our children but at what cost?  

At the age of 16, I started changing my desires for medicine for many reasons—it took way too long, and my emotional state had altered, causing my grades to slip drastically.  As a nurse, my mother was able to introduce me to one of the most successful pediatricians in her practice.  This doctor was one you would see on Grey’s Anatomy or Night Shift.  She was a tall, slender black woman, strong but soft, with long hair in her back with a body that could raise any dead man.  She took time to talk to me at least once a year—she was my pediatrician.  She told me the challenges but the successes of the job, and it made me work hard, but my desires changed even though my mother’s had not.  The idea of having a doctor in the family was something that made my mom’s heart beat.  

What’s The Cost of Success

Salome and my mother had the best in mind, but neither one of them knew the cost of it all.  Look at what Jesus says to her,

Vs. 22- You do not know what you are asking, Are you able to drink the cup that I am to drink?

Vs. 22- Look what happens, THEY said to him,“We are able.” 

She started talking for them and then they decided as a group that they could handle the cost of being on Jesus left and right side.  

They were willing to get the glory, but they had no idea what it would take for that.  But look at Jesus’ answer

Vs. 23- “You will drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those from whom it has been prepared by my Father.”

This mother wanted her sons to have a place of prestige and honor.  She wanted them to be someone, like most mothers.  God started working on my heart; soon the desire to be a doctor was gone.  I had a new one.  When I decided that I wanted to be a pastor instead of a doctor, my mom was so frustrated.  I decided to go to Bible School 4 hours away instead of pursuing my dream of being a pediatrician or cardiologist.  She told me that being a pastor does not put food on the table and going after a career that was centered in theology was a waste.  Not only did she think I was making a mistake but so did other family members.  They encouraged me to continue with my liberal arts degree first and then go to school for theology when everything is done.  But I was not taught to put God first not second.  

Success In an Upside Down World

I don’t know if Salome was as upset as my mother was when her wishes were not granted but she would soon understand the mercy God had on her boys for not granting her request.  You see she thought they could drink the cup Jesus had but not even Jesus himself wanted to drink that cup, look at Luke 22:42. 

Let’s look at Matthew 27 vs. 37

“And over his head they put the charge against him, which read, “This is Jesus, the king of the Jews.” The two robbers were crucified with him, one on the right and one on the left.

You see when those around him saw him as King he was being mocked and tortured.  In Matt 20 vs. 23 Jesus made it sound like there were special people that were given this seat and it wasn’t his choice.  This was not a seat of prestige as the men, and their mommy saw it.  It was a place of shame and embarrassment.  If God had granted her request, her boys would be right alongside him.  You see we need to be very careful what we ask God for concerning our children.  We have no idea what it honestly would take for our children to achieve man’s definition of success.  If Salome had listened to Jesus’ teachings, she would have heard him say in Matthew 19:30

“But many who are first will be last and the last first.”  

We live in a world complete turned upside down in our view of what it means to have arrived.  What are you asking from your children that may cost more than what you can pay?  Are you too bent on them achieving wealth, prestige and security that you are blind to the unnecessary sacrifice being made?  No, I did not become a doctor as one sees a doctor, but for the past 21 years, I have been working with teens in youth ministry.  I have mentored hundreds, and in this mentoring process, I have dealt with the hurts of life, broken hearts from disappointment, abuse, and trauma.  My natural desire was my spiritual calling.  You must be willing to allow God to do as he chooses with your children.   He knows the plans he has for them.  

Weekly Challenge:

Is there a prayer God has not answered? For many years. I have said that there is not one woman in the Bible that God did not answer there prayers, till now.  Just because Jesus was in human form, doesn’t mean that Salome’s request wasn’t seen as a prayer.  What would our lives look like if God answered every prayer we made?  What would our children’s lives look like if our prayers were answered?  Are there prayers you are happy God didn’t fulfill? In the meantime, check out our playbuzz and our newest book below.

Also, our newest book is out!!

We have worked really hard to talk about the war that Christians are in. We are meant to win every battle set before us but there are many times we get in our way.  What are some things we need to learn in order to never lose another spiritual battle again?  Buy our Book on Amazon to find out.

Loveless Love

What does it feel like to be in a loveless relationship?  It doesn’t have to be just a marriage, but a friendship where you are giving all, and the other offers nothing.  How about loving a parent and them not reciprocate the love in return.  They leave you when you need them the most; treat you as if your feelings don’t matter.  You do all that you can in these loveless relationships, and you get nothing in return.  In continuing with our series, “Mangled Motherhood,” there was a mother whose story always hits my heart.  She was devalued by everyone around her and the one person she desired love from, did not love her in return.  In hopes of acceptance, she lives vicariously through her children. She unintentionally devalues them by using them to fulfill her need for love from her husband; she desired for him to see her as more than he did.

This week we start off our bible study with a mother who was not only in a loveless marriage; but with a man that hated her.  He openly states that he doesn’t want her and never did.  The only means of affections she received from him was when she was fulfilling his sexually.  In his heart he desired someone else; everyone knows it.  There was a glimmer of hope the day this hurt soul found out that she was pregnant for the first time.  But before we talk about her as a mother, let’s see how she found herself chained to a man that detested her.

I Want That Love

This story can be found in Genesis 29-30 .  I am going to use some creative license to fill in some gaps that the story does not mention but alludes to.

Leah was the oldest of Laban two daughters.  Her younger sister Rachel was beautiful in every way.  She had the looks, the charm and the elegance that no one ever seemed to accuse Leah of having.  It was like any other day when a man by the name of Jacob came to the house with her sister Rachel.  Rachel found him at the community watering hole and assisted her in fetching water for the animals.  He was a much older fellow, but there was something about him that was striking.  Sadly, he only seemed to have eyes for Rachel when she came into the room or walked by.  

Jacob was not going to be leaving anytime soon.  Not too long after he came, he started working for her father tending the sheep.  Jacob’s heart became set on getting her sister even though Leah was gaining her own feelings for him.  To everyone’s surprise, Jacob announced that he wanted Rachel as his wife, but due to the fact he did have any money to give Laban for her—yeah in those days women were considered property—he was willing to work for as long as seven years for Rachel’s hand in marriage.

What was that like for Leah to see her baby sister betroth to marriage before her?  Jacob loved her so much that he was willing to work a whole seven years for her!  For the next seven years, she watched as he wooed her, romanced her, laughed with her, whispered to her, talked with her; while Leah was on the side desiring that kind of love.  She craved the acceptance, the nostalgic feeling of being embraced, comforted and cared for.  Will Leah ever get anything like that?  Could she ever get that?

How does it feel to see love so close but not able to touch it?  What happens when others around you have what you desire?  You ask for it, desire it, pray for it but get none of it.  Well, Leah was heading there.  She is someone that can relate to you!

Rachel and Jacob’s special day was finally here.  Seven years was like nothing for Jacob, but it wasn’t that quick for everyone else. 

Everyone came out to see these two finally get wed and exchange their vows.  There was celebrating, eating and drinking as the two danced and laughed with guests and each other.  As everyone was enjoying the fine wine and the food that was spread out for everyone, Laban was making plans for something unthinkable.

Just One Night of Love

The wedding was beautiful, and finally, after seven years, Rachel and Jacob were going to be together.  Jacob walked into his bedroom to meet Rachel were the lights were off; for the first time, he was able to make love to the woman he worked so hard for.  That night would be a night they would both remember…forever.  

Morning came, and Jacob was intoxicated with the memory of making love to his bride the night before.  He rolled over to see the shape of his new bride under the covers.  When he pulls her close to see his new bride’s face, he is surprised that the one laying in bed with him was not Rachel.  He had been tricked!!  LEAH had taken Rachel’s place in the marriage bed!!  Jacob looked at her, and with pure disbelief and anger, he demanded answers.  Leah explained that Laban made her take Rachel’s place.  

She blamed her father for this deception, but in her heart, she loved being in her sister’s shoes for that one night.  Her secret love for him was acted out that night and for the first time she knew what it was like to be Rachel; loved, wooed, romance and accepted.  He held her and spoke tenderly to her; it felt right but so wrong.  I’m sure that tears streamed down her face knowing that it would all end in the morning.  

Jacob was furious and confused.  She will never forget the look he gave her and the look of disgust when he realized that everything he said to her last night was to another woman.  Her father and Jacob argued for a while.  Was there any recovering from this?  How much value do you think she had at that moment?  Her father used her to trick Jacob and Jacob was disgusted by her.  Her sister was broken because she had sex with her husband before Rachel could?  Even though Rachel said the vows, Leah was technically married to him now.  

Laban explained to Jacob that it is not customary to marry off the younger daughter before the older so if he really wanted to marry Rachel,  he would have to work another seven years for her.  The first seven years would only pay off Leah.  Now he must finish out Leah’s (honeymoon time) so to speak and then he would give him Rachel.  This was not the best way to start a marriage.  Leah was in love with Jacob; she did all that she could to gain his love, but sadly he hated her.  Jacob’s sexual encounter with Leah was definitely less intimate than the first time he had sex with her thinking she was Rachel.

Maybe Now You’ll Love Me

The Bible said in Genesis 29:31,

“When the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.”

God saw her hurt, he saw how rejected she was so he gave her something that Rachel didn’t have.  He gave her a beautiful baby boy.  She held that baby with hopes of—not only being a good mother but with the hopes—Jacob staying connected to her; this was why she named her first son Reuben meaning “Behold a son!”  This declaration was to get Jacob to see that she was able to continue his legacy and name.   Jacob loved her son, but sadly, that was the only one that he loved.  He continued to desire Rachel over her.

Maybe you are not a mother having children to get your husband to love you, or maybe you are.  Some women have children to keep their husband.  But let’s pretend that baby is something else.  How many of us try to achieve what we can to substitute for what we cannot?  We try to get the grades, make money, be the funniest, be the loudest, sacrifice the most, to gain acceptance.  What do you do for approval?

During the time that Rachel could not have children, Leah had another son Simeon and felt his life proved that God was hearing how much she was hated.  Then she had Levi, and the Bible says that she was believing in her heart that this time Jacob would bond with her.  Her fourth son was called Judah, and this child represented that she needed to give God the praise during this painful time of her life.  Poor Leah sought approval from her husband with each child and came up short every single time.  

Eventually, God shut her womb, it could have been for many reasons, but you see that Leah’s desire to have children is not for the main goal of having a big family.  Rachel being barren, offered Jacob her servant in order to bear him a child in her name.  When Leah heard this, she, in turn, offered him her own servant as well.  (This was a sick game that Jacob was perfectly fine in playing.)  Leah’s jealousy continued to grow even though she had four children already.  Leah mirrored her sister’s stupidity by getting her own servant to do the same thing as Rachel’s.  

Leah eventually started having children again, but nothing changed.  You see there was one thing that Leah could not appreciate and that was the love of God.  Leah wanted man’s love but could not enjoy God’s love.  He saw her need for acceptance and gave her what she desired; however, she used His blessings for selfish hopes to bait in her husband.  Her children loved her, yet used them the way Laban used her.  Leah treated those who did love her, the same way she had been treated in the past.

Yes, life is not fair—sucks even—but are we so fixed on what we are not getting that we bypass what we are getting?  You can talk about how unfair life is treating us, but we fail to acknowledge our destructive actions.   

Weekly Challenge:

Even though Leah was not loved by her husband God used her vicarious living to bring about Judah, the great great great great grandfather (maybe be a few more great) of the Messiah.  Greatness came fromher deepest pain.  But I must ask, do you use others to get approval love?  Take a moment to think about relationships you may have used to finally get the love you’ve been looking for.  Take a minute to read Psalms 9.  It is God we must find approval from.  It is with God at the center, we can see our children for who they really are.  Please feel free to respond below or email us on the side for additional help.
Also, our newest book is out!!

We have worked really hard to talk about the war that Christians are in. We are meant to win every battle set before us but there are many times we get in our way.  What are some things we need to learn in order to never lose another spiritual battle again?  Buy our Book on Amazon to find out.