A World Alone

Have you ever created a world for yourself that is lonely, full of shame and isolation?  In the last two weeks, Click to read week one, Click to read week two we have been reading the testimony of a woman by the name of One Hot Mess (OHM).  Her parents did a great job of creating a world of lies, sprinkled with vague, empty promises.  The image that they tried to develop for OHM was crumbling fast.  So OHM created her own world and sadly it was no different than the one she previously lived.  Let’s continue reading her journey.

Truly Abandoned?

Fast-forwarding to when I was going on 17, for over a year I had been dating a boy from my class whom I loved madly.  He didn’t care about my past, and he loved me for me.  Then I found out I was pregnant.  My mom was extremely disappointed as this was my second pregnancy scare in less than a year, but this time was real.  Because she had experienced some difficult things in her own adolescent years, she was supportive of whatever decision I would choose regarding the baby.  When my dad found out, he was livid.  In his lowest parenting moment, he threatened to have nothing to do with me if I chose to keep it and urged me to have an abortion. I refused — that was the one conviction I wouldn’t break.  My dad refused to speak to me for several months.   During this time, my boyfriend showed his true colors.  He wasn’t ready to be a father, so he broke up with me.

One Hot Mess reminds me of a woman in the Bible.  She was a slave—had no choices for where she was at the time—and was used abused.  Hagar was an Egyptian owned by Abraham and Sarah.  Abraham and Sarah were wealthy Hebrews who received a Word from the Lord that they would have a child.  The problem was that both of them were way too old to have children.  We spoke about Hagar and Sarah in our Mangled Motherhood series. After ten years of waiting on God’s promise Sarah was not yet pregnant and came up with the idea of Hagar being the one to carry Abraham’s baby.  They believed that by having a child with this slave, it would fulfill the promise given by God.  Hagar had no say.  She was not given a chance to say her piece.  Hagar did have a son, but not too long after Sarah became pregnant as well and gave birth to a son as well.  Sarah now became vindictive over Hagar and her child.  She felt that as Abrahams wife her child should be the rightful heir to all Abraham possessed.  Hagar, however, felt that her son was the oldest and should be the heir.  Hagar started having an attitude toward Sarah and soon started attacking her verbally.  Sarah in return mistreated Hagar so severely that it caused her to be sent away.   Like OHM, Hagar was at a place where she had no family and no friends.  Hagar knew the feelings of being abandoned and alone, but Hagar and her baby weren’t truly abandoned.

Though I was abandoned by the men I loved most, God hadn’t abandoned me.  During the weeks after finding out I was pregnant I attend my church youth group faithfully because I realized I needed God.  Needing God is not what made me want to accept Jesus as my Savior.  I just knew that it was what had to be done. The popular song at youth group at the time was “How He Loves” and I heard that song often. The chorus repeats, “He loves us, Oh how He loves us.” Another part of the song says, “If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.” When I sang that song in church I finally understood: the reasons why  I even had the opportunity to ask God for help and ask Him for forgiveness.  After all the things I did and all the mess I got myself into, it did not remove me from His love because before I was even a thought on my parent’s minds — He died on the cross for me so that no sin or mistakes I would make, could keep me from having the opportunity of having a relationship with Him.  He loved me when every other man I loved in my life left me.   Jesus had predetermined to never stop loving me, even when I hurt Him by choosing to live without Him.  He really loved me — unconditionally. It was a no-brainer to let Him love me and commit my life to loving Him back.

In the wilderness, Hagar was unclear of where she belonged.  In the deadest time of her life, God spoke to her directly.  Hagar was one of the few women in the Bible that God spoke to directly.  God showed up in the wilderness and said,  “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.”  The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.”

God asked Hagar the same thing he asked One Hot Mess, and he asks us, “Where have you come from?”  I know OHM would say: shame, loneliness, vulnerability, false power, deception, lies, fear, insecurity, and so much more.  Then he asked, “Where are you going?”  If you notice, Hagar had an answer for the first question but not got the second one.  We can always tell God where we came from but can never answer where we are going.  Without God, we have no future.  But look at what God tells her to do, he doesn’t help her to go to a new place and start a whole new life.  He actually commands her to return to the position of shame, abuse and hurt.  Let’s see where God takes OHM.

The Turnaround

God’s love helped me to make big changes in how I saw my own worth. I also had joy and a peace that I hadn’t experienced before, even though my life was a wreck.  To me, loving God back meant choosing to obey Him, so I had every intention of keeping the baby.  I didn’t have a big altar call moment.  One night I prayed in my bedroom, “God I messed up.  Forgive me. Help me to become the best mother I can be.”  I didn’t know that His plan was to allow me to have a miscarriage.  On one of the scariest and most physically painful days of my life, I started to miscarry at school, and my mom had to pick me up early to take me to the ER.  It broke my heart, but I knew that losing my baby was also a second chance at life for me.  Ironically, my boyfriend and I had gotten back together right before I started to miscarry, but I knew we weren’t supposed to be together. Throughout our whole relationship, I had been trying to change him to be what I wanted, but he wasn’t who God wanted for me, and would never be.  Obeying God in my new life took some time, but I finally broke up with my boyfriend after graduation and remained celibate until I was married.

The summer after graduation, I went on to share my testimony at my church and then at a national Christian arts festival. The main speaker at the festival shared her story of being rescued from sex-trafficking and how she was set free by forgiving her abusers.  She challenged us to forgive the people who hurt us.  Her story really resonated with me, and I chose to forgive all of the guys I had slept with in high school.  I honestly believed I was free.

I wanted to share Jesus’ love with everyone, so I decided to go into ministry.  A few years later, I became a licensed pastor and married my true dream guy, my husband, Jackson, a godly man whom I never imagined I would attract or deserve.  We had a child together in God’s perfect timing, breaking the cycle of “children out of wedlock” in both of our families.  Our marriage has already lasted longer than both of our parents’ marriages combined.  I also went on to be the youngest and first female staff pastor in the history of the church I got saved in.  My husband and I still serve in ministry to this day.  All of this continues to flow out of my personal relationship with God.  The life I am living for Him is beyond what I could have ever asked for or imagined.

What Might Have Been

If Jesus didn’t save and change my life, I probably would have ended up as a stripper.  I know that road often leads to abusive relationships, drug addiction, the porn industry… all of which could have easily happened to me the way I was going.  I had dreams of being a professional dancer (before I was called to ministry), but I would have had a baby with my high school boyfriend or another guy I was seeing, so that would have been impossible.  With my age, my sudden financial need, and my low self-worth, I would have seen “exotic dancing” as an okay alternative for a “noble” reason.  If I had gotten married, I would’ve gotten divorced soon after because I had never had any real understanding of how to have a healthy relationship. Before ministry school, I had limited examples of a healthy marriage, and the ones I did observe were from a long distance, or they didn’t openly discuss with me how hard marriage can be for even the best couples. With that said, I know that a huge reason I am where I am today is that my mom made an effort to connect with me and was a praying woman despite (and possibly because of) all she was going through at the time.  I don’t think she would have allowed me to wander that far off, and I don’t take that for granted.  She loved me firmly, empathized with me when I needed her most, never gave up on me, and always believed that my life could turn around.  I later learned I had other Christian family members praying for me, and for that I am grateful — their prayers worked and are continuing to work.

Weekly Challenge

One Hot Mess has set the perfect stage for us to look at our life without God. If you were without Christ what would that look like? I pray that you take time to think about how Jesus turned your life around. In the meant time, watch this video and listen to the words of this song

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