HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I am so happy to have you guys as part of the Winters family in 2017. For the month of January, we have a guest blogger, Alejandra Tash!  She has been such a blessing to our ministry and will be joining us in the future. Alejandra is going to be challenging us all on the topic of loving yourself. So let us prepare ourselves for four amazing weeks of searching our hearts towards ourselves.

Let’s Get Real…I Hate Myself

“For if anyone is a hearer of the word, but not a doer, he is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror.” James 1:23

Hey ya’ll, I hope and pray this blog finds you well! I kept being put in situations where I would think of the topic I would be covering – “loving yourself.” On this journey, I discovered and am discovering things about myself that I never knew even existed. I encourage you to take this challenge with me and look in the spiritual mirror.  “Self-esteem,” “self-love,” and “loving me,” is spending time with myself.  These were affirmations and perceptions I knew nothing about and disliked out of fear.

Let me introduce myself, hi my name is Alejandra and I hated myself.

Growing up in a broken and dysfunctional home, where I did not know my father until I was about five years old, I never knew what love was. I am talking about *true* love, the agape love that the Bible speaks about. It was not until I was much older that became aware of self-esteem, self-love and loving me. These thoughts came to me while I was waiting on the Lord’s promise to provide a husband for me. The concept of true love continued even after meeting and marrying my husband, but when I truly began to feel a need for this love was when my husband and I decided it was time to expand our family. In my mind, I thought I was ready to receive this blessing, a baby, right away. But I had to wait. And even though that was hard, I believe God orchestrated it exactly this way and He would not have it any other way. He needed me to understand and feel love so that I would be able to give that love to my children.

You see, what I actually had was “self-loathing.” I know that is a strong description, but I cannot find a better word at this time. What I am about to describe is exactly what it felt like. The dislike I had for myself was so great that I despised looking in the mirror. I thought of myself as too ugly. I would run past mirrors so as not to see my reflection and if I ever caught a glimpse of me, I hated what I saw. This went on until I clearly heard a voice say, “If you don’t confront the image, how could you ever change what you cannot see?”

Un-forgiveness Made Me Ugly

What truth did I need to face in those mirrors? I had hatred for others, unable to forgive myself and those who hurt me. I was envious of all who seemed more successful than me, and I especially hated those “bold” enough to chase after their dreams. I thought, “How dare you chase your dreams?” “How dare you be brave?” And I would ridicule them and find fault in all they did. I remember I had a friend who was getting married at the same time I was. She and I were really good friends, but I saw her life as everything I wanted. I wanted her parents, I wanted her childhood, and I wanted her wedding and I wanted her family. I would compare everything I was doing to what she did and I wanted to do it better! The truth is, all of these resentful thoughts had nothing at all to do with my friend, her family, or her wedding — not one bit of it. It had EVERYTHING to do with me, my family and my past. I came from a difficult past and a less than picture perfect family and I wanted all she had because she reminded me of what I “didn’t” have. Truly it all came down to the definition of the term “love of God” or the lack of it in my case.

We are taught that “love” forgives all; but my heart was so empty of forgiveness, it reigned over my life. I could not forgive my father for going to jail; I could not forgive my parents for not staying together and giving me a picture perfect home. I could not forgive my stepparents for how they treated me; I could not forgive my half-siblings for having it “all.” They had parents who were actually married and raising them the best way they could. It did not stop there; I could not forgive my husband’s family for not loving me.  This lack of the ability to forgive festered into so many areas of my life that I began to manipulate the Word of God in order to continue harboring and imprisoning them in my heart.

I had it all planned out in my head. I had many ways I thought I could escape having to forgive these prisoners of my heart. I would move as far away as possible so that I didn’t have to see them or speak to them. But some of them were family members so I couldn’t really escape. No matter what, family would always be family. And then, something happened. God’s voice began to break through those walls loud and clear. While I was reading His Word one day the words “do not dishonor each other” popped out. I knew God meant I should forgive those people, and also maintain good speech about them or no speech about them at all from my mouth.  I exercised forgiveness when I was intentional in my speech about them.  God wanted me to opt for forgiveness each time!

How Can You Change What You Cannot See?

The lack of forgiveness is a really crazy way of saying, “Well you hurt me, and I will make sure you don’t do it again by keeping you in this box called ‘bad people’ and never letting you back into that vulnerable space again.” I learned the hard way, that it takes a lot of energy to keep those people in the “bad people” box. I had a choice to make just as you have a choice to make.

This past summer was when I had a liberating thought “if you don’t confront the image, how could you ever change what you cannot see?” That mirror was the Word of God. Look at what James chapter one says,

²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

Sometimes we avoid the mirror because we don’t like what we are going to see.  We don’t like what it’s going to show us about ourselves.  We hate seeing the ugliness of our actions and thoughts so we won’t look at it.  How can we change what we won’t confront?

I was prompted to look into the word “love” and what it means for me as a child of God to love like He did. In our next blog, We will speak about what love is and is not. Come on this journey with me. I’m going to be challenging myself as I challenge you.

-Alejandra

Hello, friend, it’s Marsha. I loved the way Alejandra was so open about how she thought of others when they received something she wanted.  How many times do we judge others and put others down because we don’t like ourselves?  I have found that some of the most judgmental people are the ones who dislike where they are in life.

7 Day Challenge

I would love for you to take some time over the next 7 days and write down things about yourself you really don’t love and why. Take the week to meditate on Psalms 139.  Really think about verses 13-16.  Then take some time in your devotion to ask God to help you see yourself the way God sees you.

Do you struggle with forgiveness? Check out some of our past blogs from the month of November. I also wrote a blog about being your own worst enemy – just click here to read.

You can also email us if you need help with something mentioned in this blog. Alejandra may also reply to you personally to give you support.  Follow us on Instagram and Facebook @throughthewinters and on Twitter @thruthewinters.