Have you ever thought that God lost sight of you?  Not just that you lost sight of God but that he lost you?  Sometimes we forget God is control of everything and has never once taken his eye off his creation.  He looks into our world and sees everything and is in the business of taking the ugly parts of our past and making them into beautiful mark of his glory.  Kaylee has been such a blessing as she has shared for the past three weeks.  She has spoken to us about her struggle with addiction, an abusive relationship, a failed suicide attempt, and about physical and mental illness.  After coming face to face with what true hopelessness looked like, Kaylee truly surrendered her heart to Jesus Christ.  She broke up with her boyfriend, left her addictive behavior and sought God for physical and mental healing.  But her story doesn’t end there.

Meeting My Other Half

I am sure you are wondering what happened to me, by now. Today I can confidently say I have been given what I don’t deserve. What do I deserve?  Punishment, I deserved punishment for my actions.  I deserved to go to jail for purchasing and consuming illegal drugs.  I deserved to die when I tried to take my life.  I thought I didn’t deserve a good man.  I didn’t deserve someone who would take care of me when I was sick and I didn’t deserve love.

 One day my life changed when I met a wonderful man name Vincent.  He and I met through James River Church, in Missouri.  We met after prayer service one evening, and that’s where it all began.  We spent many weeks getting to know each other, fasting, and praying about our future together.  We went out one evening to Phelps Grove Park to discuss what life would look like as a couple and decided to take a leap of faith. From that point forward, we spent our time eating lots of pizza, serving in the church, going out with friends, taking walks, and watching movies.

On February 5, 2017 we went on a walk at Phelps Grove, per usual, and I experienced the biggest surprise of my life. Vincent took me to the exact bench where we had our first conversation about becoming a couple. We talked about how far we had come since our first time at the park, all of the memories that had been made, and that was when Vincent said he had a very important question to ask me.  As I tried to catch my breath and prepare myself for the biggest moment of my life, Vincent got on one knee and asked if I would marry him.  Before I knew it, our two close friends, popped out from behind the tree and had captured the entire moment on video.  It was the most perfect day.

I Took Off My Mask

That is the happy, sappy, problem-free story.  Now let’s talk about what made me say “yes”.  One night I had gone to his house after a Bible study.  He was lounging, watching TV, and I asked if I could show him something. At the Bible study, someone had recorded someone prophesying over my life. They talked about the identity I had found in God and how I would be used to reach hurting people through my own pain. It was so powerful I couldn’t help but share it with Vincent. In order to do so, however, I had to let him in on my story – my pain. But that meant that he would run from me once I told him. So I said, “I have to tell you something.” -preparing for the worst. I told him I had been raped, abused, that I struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction, and that I was really sick.

All he knew to do was hold me as he said, “I like you more because of your story.”  He said he felt like God gave him a spiritual gift to love people who had been through abuse. In that moment, I felt safe with a man for the first time.

If you have been a faithful reader you will remember in October we wrote an article called “Stubborn Love.”  In this article we focused on her husband.  These two people went through so much before God brought them together.  Click to read his story.

There is a story that reminds me of Kaylee and it’s found in the book of Ruth 4.   There were many differences but both lost everything.  Ruth was from Moabite who married an Israelite man.  Sadly her father-in-law, brother-in-law and her husband all died after getting sick, leaving her mother in law, Naomi with no one to care for her.  Because of the custom of the day, women could not own property or land.  With no men around Naomi lost everything she had.  Since neither Ruth and her other daughter in law had no children, she encouraged them to go back to their families and remarry.  Even though she could have gone back to her people and begin over again, Ruth decided to stay with Naomi.  She even decided and decided to accept the God of Israel as her one and only God.  In the eyes of everyone else there was nothing left for Ruth and Naomi since they had no men to take care of them.  Ruth trusted in God as Kaylee did.

Because of Ruth’s and Naomi’s hope and faith in God they were placed on a path that provided them with a future.  God took the ashes of Ruth’s burned up, devastated life, and brought her before a man by the name of Boaz.  Boaz was a distant relative of her husband and truly loved Ruth.  Ruth soon fell for him as well and when Boaz married her, she became a restored woman.  Naomi was restored as well.  Maintaining her position as Ruth’s mother in law, with the covering of Boaz, she was able to reclaim the land that once belonged to her husband and sons.

God Our Redeemer

Ruth and Naomi had a lonely death in their future but they were redeemed by one who had the power to restore them and give them worth all over again.  This is how it is with God and us.  In Him we are given new life and worth.  This is what Kaylee found in here walk with God.  Even though death thought it had her, it had to set her free when “God the Redeemer” became a part of her life.

On August 11, 2017 Vincent and I were happily married. I remember hearing him say his vows and being in complete awe that I had a man who would keep his word.  He prays for me. He prays with me. He prepares my weekly medications and reminds me to take them. He carries me when I can’t walk. He holds me when I can’t speak. He feeds me when I can’t feed myself. He serves the Lord and loves the Church. He laughs at me and with me. He hears my concerns and takes time to understand them. He is everything I don’t deserve, but God gave him to me anyway. He is a man beyond worthy of saying “I DO” to.

Vincent saw my anxiety and illnesses firsthand while we were dating, but being married, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is more evident than ever. He sees me shut down when I hear loud noises. He experiences my panic attacks when I sense disapproval. He sees the rage and pain in my eyes when I hear about pornography. All the while, he constantly learns about my illnesses and does everything in his human power to take care of me. To see a man care about my emotional and mental well being—as much as my physical well being—is one of the biggest turn-ons- and indicators that he is my partner for life.

 I have not completely healed from my past, but I am healing. I haven’t arrived, but God is working on me each day. I was victimized but I am not the victim. I am affected by sickness and pain but my identity is not “sick.” I am a child of God and that is the identity I choose to live by.

 As of July 5, 2017 I am one year sober. I have not been drunk and I have not smoked weed almost a year before.  I have been free from debilitating anxiety and the doctors have provided a service dog to help me with daily tasks.  Through my pain and healing, I have found a deep passion and desire to help hurting people. I feel compelled to lead young women by example to help them live a life of success rather than regret. As of November 06, 2017 I am the Project Manager for the Assemblies of God National Youth Ministries. Taking this position has been incredibly humbling. God chose to use the broken, pain-filled, post-addiction, baby Christian to have a voice in the teenagers of the United States. My office is across the street from the Psych Ward.  Right out my office window I can see the exact room where I was admitted for suicide risk. God truly takes what Satan meant to kill us to make us thrive.

I have a life filled with love, joy, and fulfillment. I love my dog, my cat, my husband, and finding peace through yoga. I now use my story to help those suffering with chronic and mental illnesses through my website:
takeyourhealing

Weekly Challenge:

Don’t let your feelings dictate your life. Feelings are not always truth.  Just because you feel worthless that does not mean you are worthless. And just because you feel invisible it doesn’t mean you are invisible.  The only way you can be certain of who you are and what you should do, despite your feelings, is to know God for who He really is and you begin to do that do that by reading His word.

Also if you are struggling with deep issues and need professional help, we have a connection to Bedrock Counseling ministries.  Go to our “Contact Us” and at the bottom of the page is a number to call.  They have professional counselors who will help you through these painful times.  Follow us on facebook and instagram @throughthewinters.com.  We love you and appreciate you.

Take a few minutes to watch this video.